August 31 2015

Holy Spirit Power

holy spiritThere is power in the Name of Jesus. I bet you have heard that phrase before. It has been in the lyrics of many songs, written in many books, and talked about for ages. But what does it really mean? For me, I had heard it but never could quite connect with it. Of course Jesus is God and He has all power and authority on this earth. The question is, how does that really affect me? I mean talking about the power of Jesus name sounds awesome, and amazing, but it just never registered with me on a deeper level.

For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:16-17

I have many times when I uttered or cried out the name of Jesus. I was in the midst of deep depression, terrible anger, or horrible sickness. I was full of despair as I called His name, begging for help. Yet it seemed to do no good. God didn’t show up for me in those moments (or so I thought). I was still depressed or angry or sick. So how could calling out Jesus name have power to do anything? After all, it is just another word, isn’t it? I never really thought words had that much power. Yes words can hurt people, but beyond that what can they really do? Well for starters it is using the spoken word that God created the entire world and everything in it. And Jesus is called The Word, and is also the one whom all things were created through. Words hold more than power – they hold the ability to affect great change!

To understand the power of using Jesus name, we need to first examine what power Jesus Himself had as He walked on this earth. While Jesus had His earthly ministry He used His words to heal the sick, cast out demons, raise the dead, and defeat Satan himself. By what power did Jesus do these things? With the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not perform any miracles until after He was baptized and anointed with the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not even face His temptation in the desert until after being anointed by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the power and authority that Jesus wielded during His earthly ministry, and it is the power of the Holy Spirit that has been given to use to use, just as Jesus did.

How can we possibly have the power to do the things Jesus Himself has done? I have thought for a long time that sounded great, but wasn’t something actually achievable. Some people believe it is not even Biblical. As we go through our day-to-day lives it is rare, if ever, that many people see miracles. And when we do see miracles it is not something that comes from our hands, but something that seems to just happen and clearly be an act of God. The thought of someone laying hands on the sick and healing them or casting out demons is something that I thought was done for this day and age. Boy was I wrong!

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. Luke 10:19

The Holy Spirit is our connection to God – He is God living inside of us. The Holy Spirit is a gift from God and a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance from God. Through the Holy Spirit we are given all power and authority to heal the sick, cast our demons and even raise the dead. What!? Yes! As a matter of fact I remember exactly where I was when someone told me of healings going on at a local church. I was in disbelief, but also totally intrigued. Some people believe that this is a sort of show, or even an exploitation of the Holy Spirit. It is really easy to have this mindset when you have not personally experienced the power of the Holy Spirit moving like this in your life.

I am a skeptic by nature. I would have never even believed in demons, and I was a witch in the past. I would have never believed in healing, or any other such things, until I experienced them myself. Even then, I was skeptical. It seems a little crazy, out of the realm of possibility. Yet God clearly tells us that these are things for believers right here and now in His Word. We must try to get out of our comfort zone and get out of our knowledge of who we think the Holy Spirit is, and start making room for the Holy Spirit to move in new and exciting ways around us!

I remember the first time I went to a healing service and watched people lay hands on the sick. The power of the Holy Spirit was moving so strongly in that room that it was absolutely overwhelming. I had never experienced the Holy Spirit in that way ever before and frankly it was a little scary. Now I greatly look forward to seeing what the Holy Spirit will do in my life, as I lay hands on people for healing, or cast out demons. I love to pray for people and help bring Holy Spirit power into their lives! It is amazing to pray for someone and watch them positively glow with the Holy Spirit power!

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth. Acts 1:8

powerIt is by this power and authority of the Holy Spirit inside of us that we will be able to use the name of Jesus Christ. It is with faith that we can exercise this power. His name is like the key that unlocks the power that we hold inside. When we pray in Jesus name we are letting the world (seen and unseen) know that we are commanding the authority He has given us. When you pray for healing you must pray with faith and belief. You must command the sickness to leave and belief that God is using you to heal that person. No, God does not heal every single person every time. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try! God is a loving Father who wants to give us the gift of a whole body in working order.


August 24 2015

Alcohol Is Not A Sin

alcoholWhen I was about 16 or 17 I started drinking alcohol. My parents don’t really know this, but I waited one night when they were in bed and sneaked into a little cupboard where they kept hard alcohol. My parents did not really drink alcohol at this time anymore and it was probably years old. I reasoned that if I took just a little from every bottle it would be hard to detect any missing from the half empty containers. I combined them all in one cup. I think there was bourbon, scotch, whiskey and vodka, but it’s hard to say considering I knew nothing about alcohol at that time. To be honest with you, I just wanted to get as messed up as possible. You see, I was very depressed. I wanted to escape from reality and alcohol was easy access to an altered reality.

Alcohol was not as easy to get as other drugs, and it was not my most favorite high, so I didn’t drink as often as I partook in other substances. If ever it was available or offered though, I would drink it. Drinking alcohol is getting high and I wanted to get high. Drinking alcohol brings on a flood of joy and positive emotions at first. You feel good, sometimes you even feel great. You get more social and lose your inhibitions. All your problems seem to melt away and it’s all fun and happy. At least at first. That is unless you drink too much and you end up sick. Having a hangover is comparable to sea sickness. It is awful, yet somehow it never stopped me from drinking alcohol again on another occasion.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

I continued to drink alcohol over the years of my life, especially if it was in a social setting. When everyone else was doing it, I felt added pressure to do it. It was a social thing. People get a little weird when they are drinking and having a good time and you aren’t. You don’t want to feel like the odd one. Not that I didn’t want to, but there is just something about that added pressure to keep drinking, even though you know the end results. Once I start drinking alcohol, I don’t stop until I can’t drink anymore. And people love to keep refilling your drink or handing you another beer. It is kind of like an endless trap.

Alcohol is really poisonous to our bodies, especially when taken in for a long period of time in large quantities. I learned that the hard way. I remember going to a bar many years later and having a shot of vodka. I had to choke down the vomit right there on my bar stool. My body did not want that poison in it, but I wanted the effects of it. I wasn’t going to just let an expensive drink come back up. And then I had another shot. Disgusting you say? I agree. I knew I was an alcoholic, and I thought I had gotten a handle on it. Reality proved to be different though, because I could never turn down a drink.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

It wasn’t until I started going to church and learning about Jesus Christ that I started feeling like maybe I should quit drinking. It wasn’t like I was drinking all the time or anything. We would buy a pack of beer and it would sit for weeks before we drank 1 or 2 each. I have always been quite adamant about not drinking alcohol in front of my children. I remember being a child and my parents would have friends over and I have memories of beer bottles and wine glasses littering the living room table in the early hours of the morning when I would wake up. I don’t have a big memory of them actually drinking, yet somehow the knowledge of it has invaded my subconscious.

Getting high has been a huge part of my adult life. It is only about a year ago that I realized why I desired to get high and drunk. We are made to get high. Yes you just read that right. We are made to get high – just not on drugs and alcohol. You see those things are a counterfeit of what we were made to have – a Holy Spirit high. We certainly don’t need to call it a high, but drugs and alcohol are a cheap imitation of the amazing and wonderful experience of being filled up with the Holy Spirit. Being filled with the Holy Spirit brings intense feelings of joy, ecstasy, love and so much more! Your spirit is ecstatic at being so connected to your awesome Creator! It is like finally experiencing wholeness. The evil one wants to keep us away from this intense Holy Spirit filled kind of life, so he slid a counterfeit in to keep us away.

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Ephesians 5:18

Instead of seeking out God, we seek out drugs and alcohol. We convince ourselves that it is just to be social or just for fun. We tell ourselves it is the comfort and escape from our pain we need. When all the while God is right there sorrowfully watching us do damage to our body and mind when we could bring it all to our Father! The Holy Spirit is our ticket to heaven on earth! He has been placed inside of us so that we may be comforted by Him when life has brought us down. He has the joy of the Lord to give us, that would elevate our spirits out of the depths of our despair.

The day my husband and I were baptized we both had all desire to do any drugs or drink alcohol completely removed from us. 100%. That was just over two years ago as I write this, and neither of us has even thought about wanting to drink again since that day. It was an absolute miracle. I can’t really tell you why God took that away from us, because I know many people who struggle with addiction. I just thank and Praise God for what He has done. It took probably a year after that before I had my first real Holy Spirit encounter. That is not to say that it took that long before God gifted me the Holy Spirit, but that was when I first came to experience the presence of the Holy Spirit in a way that was very tangible. At first I was overwhelmed by His presence and even a bit afraid. But really being in the presence of the Holy Spirit is exciting and energizing and just fills you with love. Once I experienced Him I knew without a doubt how the enemy how used drugs and alcohol to deceive me for so many years. And what I had been missing out on! Absolutely a million times better than any high I ever had with mind altering substances.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:8

drunkI really feel that the use of drugs and alcohol can become a block to our experience with God. It has great potential to interfere with our relationship with God. Like many other things, we easily become enslaved to addiction to these substances. Where once we thought we had control over it, we suddenly find that it has become our master. There is only one Master that we should ever allow ourselves to submit ourselves to, and that is Jesus Christ. We must be careful to take our whole selves before Him and ask what His will is for our lives. Jesus only wants the very best for us, and will always guide and direct our paths with love.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 2 Peter 5:8





August 17 2015

In Control

controlI have always had a very independent mindset. And when I say that I mean, I needed to have complete control over my life. It’s just me against the world. If something needs to get done, it’s better to get it done by myself. No sense in asking for help because people are unreliable. Not only that, but it’s a dog eat dog world, and I need to fight for what I have and then hold on tight to it, lest it be ripped away from me. It has always been easy for me to feel self-reliant like this, because the world as I saw it reflected this back to me as truth.

When I first met my husband this was exactly where I was in life. I was not going to let go of control no matter what. I remember a time when I hurt my back, but I refused to rest and was cleaning the shower just to prove that I could do it all! Nothing was going to hold me down. That is until I got pregnant and was practically bed ridden. I could barely function and take care of my two younger sons, or the household duties. Suddenly I could no longer be Mrs. Independent, and had to become very dependent on my husband to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. and work a full-time job. I accepted the loss of total control and relied on him to take care of me and the kids completely. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it brought a softness to my super independent edge.

In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind. Job 12:10

I guess I thought for a long time after that, that I was no longer an independent minded kind of woman. I had myself convinced that I was a working partner with my husband and didn’t see things with a lens that was so harsh and cold. Well as great as that is to believe, it was just not true. It took some deep inner healing and counseling to begin to see that while I believed I was actually still very wounded and had a big wall around my heart. Brick by brick I had built a foundation of resentment, fear, anger and pain that had become an impenetrable wall. But this wall was not just a barrier between myself and other people, it was also a barrier between myself and my God.

At times I have believed I had a great relationship with Jesus. I felt very confident that I was close to Him and knew Him very well. The truth is that no matter how intimate you get with God, there is always a deeper level you can experience with Him. As soon as you are comfortable, that is a sign you need to take it to the next level. There is no end to the depth of God – and the knowledge we can have of Him. I doubt in our human lives we can ever really achieve a full knowledge of Jesus and His infinite self. And oh how amazing that is! To know that in this life we have an incredible opportunity to continue to know Him and learn about God, His character, His love, and who He is! That in itself I count as a miracle!

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens above—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths below—what can you know? Job 11:7-8

alt-151434_1280I have come to realize that through my longing for control I have actually been playing God in my life, and in the life of those I hold most dear. It is that need to control everything, that I am clinging closely to myself, not God. I am holding on, as though the bottom was going to fall out from under me, if I did not have complete control. And when I felt I didn’t have control – when things were not going the way I felt they needed to – I myself would lose control. As a Christian this is most disheartening, because what kind of Christian freaks out when things seem to be out of their control? That is not Christ like whatsoever. It is horrifying to see myself snap and start yelling at my kids, or just being very irritated or upset with my husband because things are not being done my way. It is a very ugly side of myself, that I am very tempted to be ashamed of, and to hide from the outside world.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

That is exactly what the enemy would have me do. Hide in shame. But is this what Jesus wants me to do? Absolutely not. He asks for me to come to Him, to see myself in the light of His love. Jesus is the Light of the World, and He will cast His light into the darkness of my inner most self. His light reveals the Truth about me – not that I am this evil horrible person, but that I am a wounded person who has spent years building up that wall to protect myself from further pain. It also reveals the things in my past that have hurt me so deeply that I would want to start a foundation based on pain instead of love. And the bottom line is this – I am a sinner, and that is a great thing! Once I can admit and be OK with the fact that I am indeed a sinner – not perfect, but perfectly flawed – I can begin to love myself for who I am and where I am. When I can begin to love myself then I can began to bring the awesome healing power of God into my life.

Shame leads us to hide away, but the power of love leads to growth and nourishment. What do I gain by trying to control everything in my life? I gain worry, pain, sorrow, fear and failure. Are those things that are of God? Absolutely not. They are of my enemy, the devil. Have no doubt that the enemy is working continuously in your life to cause you strife and pain. It is his job! Our job is to trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and to lean no on our own understanding. We can never understand everything, or control everything, and think of the freedom we gain in letting that part of ourselves go! We have freedom in Christ Jesus, because He is God and He is ultimately in control.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28 

butterflies-843298_1280I am in the process of inner healing, and partnering with Jesus to take down the wall I have built, brick by brick. I would love to say it is an easy process, or a quick one, but it is not. It is painful to revisit hidden memories or pain that I have stuffed down into the depths of my soul. It is not something anyone really wants to do, is it? Yet I long for Jesus Christ and an unhampered intimacy with Him, far more than I desire to keep hiding behind this big ugly wall. It is through my brokenness that I will find Him, and His vast love for me. It is through healing that I will come to know God in ways that I couldn’t even comprehend before. And it is through giving up having all the control over my life that I will give God the opportunity to really guide me and give me the most amazing gift – freedom to just live and love Him, and to have God’s best for my life. I can never match what God’s best is. It far surpasses my wildest imaginings. I invite you to ask yourself if you too have been placing yourself in the position that God should have in your life. If you have, then do not be ashamed or angry, but rejoice! Rejoice because the Kingdom of God has come near, and He is calling to you!

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

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August 10 2015

Witness to a Spiritual Deliverance

amazing-736885_640I have to admit, my husband and I have not always had the best relationship. When we first met, I actually did not like him. At all. In fact, he annoyed me. I actually love to tell this story, because now we are very close and in love. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him! It was a miracle from God that moved my heart toward him in a time when I did not even believe in God or even in love. We started dating when we were just friends and I was far from ready for a relationship. I had just come out of a very abusive 5 year relationship and I wanted nothing more to do with relationships ever again.

My husband was quite determined however, that I would be his. In just a few short months time we were living together due to unforeseen circumstances. Yet still, I did not have deep feelings for him. The deepest feelings I had at that time were of fear and the need to protect myself from being hurt again. My husband had also come out of an abusive relationship, and so we both had a lot of baggage as we entered into a hesitant commitment. There were many times where we would get into explosive arguments and even come to physical blows with each other.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Again, I can only say by a miracle of God we stayed together and within a year were married. It was not that we didn’t love each other, but we were just two broken, messed up people, who had no clue on how to deal with relational problems. My husband had a pretty bad temper when I first met him. And there were some times that he even scared me. Those memories are long gone now, as we have been through immense healing by the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. Yet he still seemed to carry anger with him, even into his walk with Jesus. It bothered me a lot. There were also some other things that he carried over, such as his lack of communication. I often felt that he didn’t listen to me, and there would be many times that I would talk to him and he just wouldn’t even respond. It was a huge point of contention for us, and it caused many, many fights.

During the past two years as our walk in the Christian faith, I have spent a lot of time seeking our spiritual deliverance. Within the first year I began to learn about spiritual attack and the reality of demons in my life. These were things that I would not have even believed in before, yet my life was being turned upside down by many physical and emotional ailments. My husband too had other problems outside of his anger and communication, such as bad back and neck pain that would not ever go away, and just falling asleep at Bible studies. I really wanted him to also seek out spiritual deliverance, but he just didn’t seem to think he was worth the healing of spiritual deliverance. I tried pushing him into seeking it out, as I was, but he would not. Finally I let it go, and continued on my own path to spiritual deliverance.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Finally after many prayer and healing sessions I had a huge turn in my spiritual healing! I met with a spiritual deliverance ministry that went toe to toe with the head demon living inside of me. I learned so much about why I had continued physical and emotional ailments that I just could not be healed of, not matter what I did. And at the end of this amazing prayer session when the spiritual deliverance ministers asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me, there was a clear message directed to my husband. The message of the Holy Spirit was that it was now my husband’s turn to experience true spiritual deliverance and healing! I was beyond excited, and so began to process of getting my husband ready for his own spiritual deliverance appointment!

The spiritual deliverance ministry requires a short questionnaire to be filled out before the appointment is made. This in itself posed a problem, because I knew it would be very difficult to get my husband to sit down and fill it out. It took about two weeks for him to answer the questions, but as soon as he did I emailed it in and we set an appointment for just a few days later. My husband was nervous after seeing my spiritual deliverance. The reality that he probably had demons living inside of him was intimidating to say the least. I can’t tell you the obstacles we had to overcome to make it to that appointment. But with faithfulness and obedience to the Lord, we made it.

“And call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” Psalm 50:15

I have to admit I was quite excited to be on the other end of the spiritual deliverance this time. This ministry was quite experienced and capable, and I was eager to see my husband experience new-found freedom. I was also interested to see what ways the enemy has tried to oppress him from his Godly calling in life. The ministry team began by having my husband read a prayer that helped him to repent for past sins and any right he had given over to demons unknowingly through that sin. They then went right into interrogating the head demon in charge. The way this works is they command the demon to become subject to them by the power and authority of Jesus. This way the demon has to answer and do so truthfully.

I watched and listened for over two hours as they questioned this head demon. It was a very straightforward process and we found out answers to many things that had seemed to hinder my husband for so many years. For instance, his anger. It came from a blood sacrifice done over him by his father in a Masonic ceremony. My husbands grandfather was a Mason, and it went up for many generations . The Masons are a polytheistic religion that incorporates many pagan rituals into it. This rituals are often done for power, fame, and wealth. Children are often dedicated to one of their many gods to gain these great benefits. These rituals can include blood-letting, homosexual acts, and child sacrifice. This masonry opens you up to a spirit of anger, rage, hate, chaos and violence.

This head demon also gave specific information on a relationship curse that was over my husband, that caused the breakdown of all relationships. This curse hindered my husband from communicating with people he loved. Wow. That was huge for me, because for so many years I held anger and resentment for time times I felt that my husband was refusing to talk to me or listen to me. This demon also admitted to times when he and his minions tried to kill my husband. Such as causing him to fall asleep while cooking, which led to his stove catching on fire. Or causing him to drive drunk so he would get into an accident.

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Luke 10:19

I know many people do not believe in demons, or the fact that they can indeed reside inside of a Christian. However this is another lie of the enemy. You can indeed have the Holy Spirit indwelling in your own spirit, and still have a demon inside of you as well. If you have the Holy Spirit inside of you, demons cannot go into your human spirit. They can however come into your physical being and once we give them rights or permission unknowingly, they are allowed to stay. Some may say this is crazy or impossible, but I tell you the truth. There is absolutely nowhere in scripture that says a Christian cannot have demons inside of them. Christians cannot be possessed – that is when a demon can be in your very spirit – there is a difference.

spiritual deliveraceSince this amazing spiritual deliverance my husband is indeed a new man with a new-found freedom. Before where he felt unable to read the Bible, he now is reading it every single day. This demon made it clear that he wanted to keep my husband from the Word and the Truth! That the Truth of God’s Word is power! My husband has been released from all back and neck pain as well – which the demon admitted was 100% demonic. My husband was walking around in demonic oppression, suffering for so many years but was completely unaware. And so are many other people in this world. We are living in the enemies domain and he hates us more than anything. His passion in life is to destroy people, because we are made in God’s image. Do not be fooled by the lies of Satan – he is a prowling lion waiting to devour you.

That evening they brought to him many who were oppressed by demons, and he cast out the spirits with a word and healed all who were sick. Matthew 8:16

If you are reading this and you are full of disbelief or even disgust at such notions, I completely understand. There was a season in my life (ok more like most of my life) where I did not even believe in Satan or demons! And that was while I was a practicing witch! It was only through my seeking God with all of my heart, mind and soul, and asking for truth and asking for healing, that He began to reveal the truth of demonic oppression in this world. For me it was a slow journey, because it took some time for me to really believe that demons were in my life and wanting to torment me. I often asked myself if I was crazy, because this is not normal every day stuff in the US today. However, if you were to research other countries, the presence of demons is common knowledge and widely accepted.

Does this mean we should fear what the devil is doing to us at this very moment? Absolutely not! We should stand up and fight! We have been equipped with knowledge, power and authority to trample on the serpent! We have the Armor of God to protect us, and many accounts of Jesus Himself casting our demons from His people. Even the powers and principalities of darkness must bow at the name of Jesus! Be thankful for this wonderful things that God has given us, because He has created you for such a time as this! To rise up, as a mighty warrior for His Kingdom! To proclaim freedom from oppression, to release the captives from bondage and to walk in a partnership with the Holy Spirit.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Luke 4:18-19

I am so thankful for all the healing work God has done during this spiritual deliverance. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love with all of my heart. He is an amazing father and I thank God for Him every day. I also thank him for allowing me to share his testimony from my point of view for the purpose of advancing the Kingdom of God.

August 3 2015

Identity Crisis

identityMy whole life I have been asking the question “Who am I?”. Even from the earliest years in my life, I have struggled to find an answer to this question. I think many of us spend a good portion of our lives trying to find our identities. As children we don’t worry as much about where are identity lies, because we find it in being a son or daughter. Yet as we enter in to our teen years that question of identity begins to loom over us, to take a stand about who we are.

As I look back now I see so much of my life was spent searching. I was so unsure of who I was. I tried to find identity wherever I could. As a teen I found my identity in being a “rocker” (someone who listens to rock music). I dressed for the part and my life revolved around the music I listened to. It was as simple as that as I let rock music shape who I was. As I got older I could no longer be defined by a simple genre of music. I was more complicated than that. So again I was searching, trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in this big wide world. Or if I even really fit in at all.

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. 1 John 2:16

Then when I became involved in the occult and witch craft, I found my identity in being a witch. I fully embraced being a witch and loved it. It was exciting, dark, mystical, romantic, sensual, fun and much more. I was proud to be a witch for many years, until I suddenly found myself pregnant. I have to admit I was in denial for a bit about the fact that I was going to have a baby. I wasn’t ready. I had been playing and having fun and I wasn’t prepared to grow up and be responsible for another human life. But once I gave birth to my son, my life radically shifted, and so did my views on life. I was still very much into witch craft and the occult, but now my son came first.

So once again my identity made a huge shift as I began to see myself primarily as a mother. I was responsible for a tiny little baby and had very little help. My husband at the time worked two jobs and we had no family that was willing to help us out. My whole life revolved around him. How could my identity not solely rest in being a mother? Soon I was eager to get pregnant and have another baby. I adored my son and loved being a mother. I was willing to do anything for him. But when my relationship dissolved a few months into my next pregnancy, my whole world collapsed.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lordthe fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3

I had no stability in my life now. The only thing that was constant were my children and their need for me. It was the only thing that kept me going at all – taking care of them. So it further solidified my identity in motherhood. What more was there to life than just being there for my children, raising them and trying to provide a good life for them? For me, there was nothing. As I got remarried and had more children I also began to home school. So not only did my identity lie in being a mom, but now my identity became a home school mom.

I know many moms get caught up in the identity of being a mom. It often can trump all other roles we play in our lives – wife, daughter, co-worker, friend. For me being a home school mom elevated me to a new level of pride and self-righteousness. I loathe to admit this now, but God has really spoken to me about this in the past few weeks. I have began to believe many lies, such as public school is an evil place where my children will be taught everything immoral and end up doing drugs and having sex. Therefore I also believed that homeschooling is superior to any other form of schooling. That parents that home school care more about their children and that home school children are smarter. I know these are really awful things and it pains me to even type them out.

As a home school mom I was also a bit of an elitist. It was hard to hang out with other moms because they tend to have an attitude of awe towards me, which I never have deserved. I am completely flawed and broken like everyone else. I am not special because I home school, and I will continue to declare that any parent can home school, if they let God led them through it. Homeschooling is for the weak and under educated, because only then can we realize our great need for a Savior to help us through the process. As a home school mom I felt so much pressure to “get it right” because my kids education was on the line. Yet in my heart I knew homeschooling was right. And if parents didn’t feel awe towards my ability to home school, they would scoff at me, because they would never even want to do such a thing. They want a break every day from their children. I guess this just made it easier to feel set apart and different from the majority and that elitist attitude only grew.

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:3

It is very dangerous to find your identity in any thing or any person. We were not made to find ourselves this way. We were made to find our identity in God. We were made to seek Him with all of our hearts and find ourselves through Jesus. When we start to try to find our identity in things or people we get very lost. We often find ourselves dissatisfied, unhappy and even feeling alone. I know this is true for me. It was not until recently, when my husband and I begin to discuss sending our kids to school, did the light begin to shine into the depths of my home school mom identity. Cracks starting to show in the facade that I had so skillfully hid behind for so many years. Yet the light was a wonderful thing, bringing truth and love into a place that was lying in darkness.

Jesus has spoken so sweetly and so lovingly to me these past few weeks. I am not to find my identity in being a mom, or even a home school mom. I have been walking a path that has taken me away from God, in that area of my life, even though I strived so hard to give it to Him. It was my beliefs that have been hindering me, and these beliefs took root many years ago, long before I began to home school. I am not the only one who loves my children, and who cares for them and watches over them. My Father God loves them so much more than I am even capable of. And He has promised me time and time again that He will never leave them or forsake them. That He will watch over them and uplift them with His righteous right hand, and that He has plans for them that will prosper them. Yet all this time I was so busy trying to do His job, thinking that all the weight of how my children will turn out is completely dependent on me, and the choices I make for them.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Romans 8:15-16

Yet Jesus is so much bigger than that. He is so much bigger than what type of education my kids get, or what mistakes I may make, or how well I manage my house, or what kind of mom I am. Not that those things are not important, but that I need to realize what amazing freedom I live in as a daughter of the One True King! I do not have to do it all alone. I need to soak in His Truths. I was not made to be a mom, nor a wife, but a daughter of The Almighty! And that is where I need to rest my head, and my identity. That is where I need to seek the answers to “who am I?” and why am I here? I am here to love God, to love others, and to glorify Him with my life. I am not here to raise children and then what? My life is over when they move out? I gave every good thing to them and now I am left with nothing? No! I am to give every good thing I have to Jesus, and let Him take care of the rest.

christ_as_kingWhat a wonderful freedom I have in Christ. What joy soars in my heart at the thought of being able to begin to let go of my children and the fate of their lives. It is not up to me how they will turn out, or if they will even become followers of Jesus. It is up to me to love Jesus with all my heart, soul and mind, and let that glorify Him. Through that I will be able to accomplish more than I can ever imagine, in His strength. I no longer need to be in slavery to my identity. I can just rest and be a truly loved daughter of the King of Kings. Hallelujah!

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12


Category: Christian Life, My Salvation | Comments Off on Identity Crisis