March 28 2016

Easter And Paganism

easterAs I write this, it is Easter 2016. I came into the Easter season with very little excitement this year. Before I was a Christian, I quite enjoyed Easter. I loved to hide plastic eggs filled with candy for my kids in our backyard. We would spend time the night before filling the eggs and hiding them for the kids, so they would believe the Easter bunny brought them. The kids were always so excited to wake up and see their Easter baskets waiting for them, filled with little goodies and candy. We also put out the night before so it would like as if the Easter bunny brought them. Then, later in the morning we would dye eggs and do yet another Easter egg hunt, this time the kids would hide them for each other. We would usually have family over for an early dinner, and then spend a relaxing evening at home, trying to wind the kids down from all the sugar.

There was no church service or talk of Jesus Christ or His resurrection during these years before we became Christian. We could care less about Jesus at that point really. During this time of year I also reflected on the spring festivals and holy days of witches, the Spring Equinox,  which reminded me of the Goddess and Mother Earth. I did not celebrate those things on Easter itself, because they were separate events.  Most of all, Easter has always been a time of family for me. I really enjoy family and spending time together, and that always makes a a holiday special for me.

This year there was nothing particularly special about Easter for me. Two years ago we ditched all of our Easter baskets, plastic eggs, bunny decorations and things of that nature. My husband and I decided that we did not want to teach the kids about the Easter bunny and celebrating with eggs and baskets and things of that nature anymore. The reason behind this is because those things have nothing to do with Jesus and do not glorify Him in any way. They are more about the pagan rituals of fertility and sexuality than Jesus, but we have adopted them and changed them to be cute and fun. I have nothing against these practices, we just don’t see the point in doing them anymore. It was fun for many years, but utterly meaningless. Coming into a relationship with Jesus Christ is what gave real meaning to Easter for us. Thinking about His sacrifice and His resurrection. That in itself was enough to throw out the baskets and eggs for us. Jesus is a far better trade off in my opinion.

Saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!”

Revelation 5:12-13

This year I have really lost all joy in Easter whatsoever. I just do not see Easter the same way anymore. I could try to view it with the same child like innocence that I always have before, but my life and the way I see the world is just not the same anymore. For one, I recently found out about severe abuse in my child hood, perpetrated by my family and the Mormon Church. This has completely rocked my world. A part of this abuse has been satanic rituals, done in the Mormon church. It has opened my eyes to a whole new understanding of our world and the spiritual realm, even greater than I had before. I am also living in a lot of pain on a day to day basis. Some days are not too bad, others are unbearable. I have learned more than I ever thought there was to know about witchcraft, and it’s effects in this world.

There is a pretty big movement of Christians who are completely against Easter. They say it is a pagan holiday and it is wrong for Christians to celebrate it. They say that we are doing something offensive to God and trying to take something wrong and put a Christian spin on it to make it right. I can understand the stance and where it came from, but I cannot agree with this movement at all. The problem is, the devil is having a field day distracting these Christians with the “evils of paganism” and then using them to turn other Christians away from Easter and Christmas. Christians who hate these so called pagan holy days are full of anger and make very negative statements in which they throw Bible verses at others, with their claims of righteousness in abstaining from them. This is not the work of God, who is not the author of confusion, nor division.

I have spent a lot of time going over the facts of what paganism is and what makes a pagan holy day, so I am not going to do that again. If you are interested in those, please read my post on paganism, and also on Christmas and paganism. I think that people have lost the real focus in their fight when they start to throw stones at paganism. Paganism is merely a distraction of the enemy to lead people astray from the real problem prevalent in our society. Witchcraft. Witchcraft is very dangerous and very real. It is seductive and has lasting effects that run deep on those who choose to participate in it. I know, because I am still removing the hooks, over 3 years after I gave my life to Christ. I too have been led down that rabbit trail of paganism, condemning everything that looked pagan to me, and feeling very self righteous in the process. It took me these 3 years to begin to see that paganism is simply a part of our society, ingrained in every part of it in ways we don’t even realize. That does not make paganism evil, nor does it make it inherently wrong either.

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

John 3:17

Can we glorify God through customs that are pagan in their roots? Can we take days that were once holy to the pagans in the ancient days of the Romans and Greeks, and recycle them into something for God? In a short answer, no. We as people cannot do take something as big as this and change it for good; but God can. Nothing is too big or great for God. Can we glorify God through practicing Easter customs of dying eggs and chocolate bunnies? Probably not. But God will be glorified regardless of these things, because He is much greater than the sum of our pagan parts, all mish-mashed together. It may not be through the eggs and bunnies, but it will be through us – His children, and through His Son, Jesus Christ.

I do not think Easter is wrong, nor do I think Christians should abstain from it. I certainly do not think that Easter offends God, nor does God get mad at Christians for celebrating it. I do not think it is wrong to not celebrate it either, if you choose not too. What I believe is wrong about Easter is those who decide that they should not celebrate it, and then use the Bible to condemn those who do. Or these same people who say they are trying to teach others about the truth. The truth is that Easter is not a pagan holiday, and that is a fact. It is a Catholic holiday, adopted by Christians and the U.S at large. It is derived from a pagan holiday and includes some customs that are based on pagan rites and rituals. To make it a pagan holy day, it would have to currently be a day set aside by witches or satanists to be used in observance to their gods and for rituals. This is simply not the case.

There are however, holy days for witches and satanists that are observed in this same season that we celebrate Lent and Easter. This does not make Easter pagan, and the fact that we focus on Easter and paganism is pretty ironic, considering at this very same time of year human lives are being sacrificed to Lucifer. I do not hear one single Christian standing up for the rights of the poor human beings who have their lives taken from them in the name of Lucifer and other gods. There are four different sacrificial rituals in April alone, in which human lives are used. Where is the outcry for these people? Who stands up to rally against satanism and rituals where witchcraft is being sent out everywhere? Who even realizes that the mass witchcraft done in rituals by people all over the world on the same days actually has a huge effect on the rest of us in this world? Not many. No, we are safe in our own little worlds, being distracted by bunnies and eggs, or the hatred of them.

Let me get back to my Easter day today. We slept in, as we decided to go to the late service at church. We picked up my father in law, who my husband is not close too, but lives in an assisted living place. We wanted to give him a nice time regardless of our own feelings. We got to church about 40 minutes before service for the deacons pancake breakfast. We ate and then moved into the worship center to get a seat. The worship service was nice – songs that glorified Jesus Christ and His resurrection on the cross. I always love worship, and love to sing to my Lord and God. Yet this year I could not bring myself to focus on the death and resurrection of Christ. I did not want to spend weeks or even the day reflecting on the work Jesus has done for us on the cross. Why? Because I have already spent a long season of my life doing so, and I believe that for me, it is time to move on.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God,  and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits.

Hebrews 6:1-2

I do not want to take time once a year to think about Jesus and His death and resurrection. I do not believe that it is effective in moving me closer to Jesus. I do believe for some people it is, and I think that is wonderful. I have no issues with that whatsoever. But for me, it is time to move forward. I do not believe life should be a circle that we keep going around and around again. That is actually a pagan idea in itself. The witches wheel of the year, in which they have their holy days they observe. Well we are living much in the same way. We go year in and year out, marking the seasons with holidays to remember and reflect. But I do not want to crucify Christ again, year after year. He is not a man living on earth, being beaten and murdered anymore. He is God in heaven, glorified and seated at the right hand of God the Father. That is how I want to think about Him, every day.

heart-on-doorIt is very important to know about and understand what Jesus has done. It is impossible to know Him and His amazing love for us without knowing about the crucifixion. But I believe in order to grow and to know who we are in Christ and what God has for us here during this time we have on earth, we need to move forward, away from the cross and into God’s plan. You see, I believe God has called each one of us, before the beginning of time. I believe we knew God before we were ever born, and that God gave us His plan for us; a plan that included us doing something amazing for His Kingdom here on earth. We should remember the cross, but that should be something that is a part of our hearts and who we are, not a holiday once a year. We need to stop going back over and over again, marveling at the empty grave, as if it is something new to be rejoiced about. Instead we need to take the work on the cross and let it shape and transform us as we move through this world, bringing His light into it.

I do not want to loose the wonder of who Jesus Christ is in my life, by relegating him to a couple of holidays every year, or even to once a week at church. Jesus Christ has given me something more wonderful than any person could give. It is something so amazing I could never portion it out to a single day or hour of my year. He has given me love. Not just any love, but true love. Unconditional love. Love that heals wounds, changes hearts, brings the dead back to life, and sets the world on fire. I have always wished for a love so pure and so deep that it would complete me. I have finally found it, in my wonderful savior. Are you ready to run after Him with that same passionate love, and see what more there is in your relationship?

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 2:6-7


March 21 2016

Joy Of The Lord

joy of the Lord

Joy of the Lord is something that has been elusive to me as of late. As I have been going through my journey of inner healing, I have been receiving revelation from the Holy Spirit about severe and extreme abuse that I have endured from the hands of those that loved me most: My parents, grandmother and my “family” at the Mormon church I grew up in. This has been a devastating blow to me, because I have suppressed this for most of my life. The abuse was satanic in nature. It was ritualistic. It was pure evil. I have gone on a roller coaster of emotions as I have began to remember these horrifying events. Emotions ranging from betrayal, rage, anger, pain, hate, despair, depression, suicidal, and despondent. Joy was never one of them. Joy was something that I saw as being part of my past. I could look back and remember times where I had so much joy in the Lord, I was literally high, as if on drugs. It just drew me deeper into depression to think about those times, because now they were a far away memory.

How can a person even connect with the joy of the Lord when they believe their entire life has been a lie? How can one even begin to think about joy in the Lord when they have a part of them that believes God is the one who abused them? Or abandoned them to be abused? So I fell further and further into depression, not even connecting with hope. I knew hope was out there for me, but I could not see it at the point. I was so low, my friends began to get worried about me and wondered if this whole inner healing thing was a good idea.

I can imagine how hard it is for those that care about me, to see me so depressed when I have previously been such a passionate warrior for the Lord. It seems cruel even, to think that God would take a joyous woman and tear her down by bringing her into these memories of evil and pain. Yet the truth is, I have lived my entire life in pain. I cannot remember one moment of my life, prior to my walk with God, where I was not filled with pain. You see, the enemy knew what my call in this life was, before I was even born. He could see it in the store house that God has for each one of us. He knew that if I were able to walk in the call God had for me, that I would be a vicious weapon against His kingdom. And he wanted to turn that weapon against him, into a weapon against God. Because how much better would it be, not only to stop me from my call from God, but to turn it around and use it for his purposes instead?

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

I have to admit, it was a bit of a struggle for me to even think that God had called me out for a purpose. I mean me? Little old housewife me? What could I do? Why would God choose me for anything? It really sounded like something to good to be true. Yes, God calls out the weak and builds them up in His strength, but not me. No, I am just a mess, a nobody, a loser and a freak with a horror story past. What can I ever do? Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt completely worthless and helpless to carry out anything of value for the Kingdom of God? Well you are not alone. I guarantee you, many of the people who are reading this have felt the same way, time and time again.

This is the device of the devil. He is your enemy. He hates you. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word. He despises you. He wants to destroy you, but even better, he wants to use you for his work. If he can succeed at using you, a child of God, for his purposes, for his evil; well he has just accomplished a miracle. That is, a miracle in his eyes. Yes, the devil will perform many false signs and wonders to bring the children of God into the kingdom of the Anti-Christ. I actually think it is pretty funny though. I mean, look at me. I am a miracle. I was beaten down and torn away from the very bosom of God the Father and believed He hated me and was evil. Yet here I am, rejoicing in a saving relationship with Jesus Christ! I am testifying to His miracles daily, and spreading the word of hope to all who hear me. How do you like that, devil?

Believe me, I am not more special than you are. I am not more anointed or connected or called out than you are. As a matter of fact, you are very special, and very well loved by the King, God Most High. Take a minute to let that resonate, deep within your soul. “I am a son/daughter of God Most High.” Breathe it in. Feel His presence. Feel His love wrap around you in this very moment. He is love, and He loves you. Let that love envelope you completely, and overwhelm you. It’s OK. He is waiting.

But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
 with those who keep his covenant
    and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103:17-18

In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon recognizes there is a time for everything, a season in which things must happen. A time to mourn, and a time to heal. I have been in the season of mourning and a season of healing. I have not enjoyed it, but it has been necessary. I have had to open up the pit that contained an ocean of pain, and take it head on. Yet I did not take it on alone. I had Jesus by my side, guiding me and healing me, each step of the way. I have had His strength to carry me through to do this job. Because healing is a job, a very hard job. I was willing to face this monumental task, as difficult as it was, and go to places that the devil meant me never to go. In the process I have unleashed the power of God to work miracles in my soul and spirit. I am still in the midst of it, but I do not regret it.

Oh there was a time I regretted it sincerely. Who wants to be in the middle of a painful healing process? Yet when has healing every been pain free? If you have ever been injured or had a surgery, you know what I mean. Healing hurts. Sometimes things in life hurt in order to get to the best part. Look at Jesus. He had to go through pain, suffering, torture, and hell, in order to spare us from it ourselves. Yes, we may still have pain and suffering in our lives, but we will never have to go to hell for it. We have the free gift of salvation, and eternity with Christ, because He was willing to go through the pain on our behalf. Do you think you can endure even a tiny fraction of that, in order to heal? Well you don’t have too. Because if you choose to step out in faith onto the healing path, Jesus is going to be right there with you, enduring the brunt of it all in your place. How amazing is that?

towerI do not want to see the devil win in your life anymore. As a matter of fact, I am excited at the prospect of war. What?! Excited? Yes! I am truly excited for you. Why? Because God has called you out, by name, to kick the devil in the butt! Yes you! Oh I hear your sighs of “I can’t do it” my Gideon-like friends. That is why I am here, to be your cheerleader! God’s love for you is too strong, and it will not be overcome by the devil. Ever. He is your safe place, your home, your mighty Rock and Fortress, you Strong Tower. Come to this safe haven He has set aside, just for you and He, and just relax in the safety of His presence. Just for this moment right now.

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

They feast on the abundance of your house;

you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light.

Psalm 36:7-9

The devil will not win, nor prosper over your life, but you have to make a choice. A choice to choose life, and choose freedom. You have walked this path for a long time, and have forgotten you had a choice. You have been in this place of longing and fear for many years now, but it is not a place God has chosen for you. You came there because it felt safe, but in reality it was just another trap the enemy set for you. This is not your home. You are here on assignment, but you have forgotten your call. That is OK, because God will happily remind you of it, if you only ask. Do not fear, beloved. He is near, forever and always. Do not let the devil whisper in your ear anymore, but realize now, the time has come to fight. Remember, mighty warrior, God has called you out.

March 13 2016

The Ex Witch And The Occult Connection

  • ex witchWhen I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ, I as an ex witch. I had not, to my knowledge, been actively participating in witchcraft anymore. I did believe in the paganism ideologies of oneness with the universe, higher self realization, many gods and goddesses, and much more however. I acknowledged the witch holy days such as Winter Solstice and Ostara, and I had many idols around the house in tribute to gods and goddesses. I also had books on the occult and new age beliefs I held, that I read still.

I was very willing to repent of all of these things once I gave my life to Christ. I believed with all my heart that God was the One True Living God and Creator of everything. I got rid of the books and idols, etc. as the Holy Spirit moved me too. I started learning more about how the beliefs I held were false, and contradictory to God’s Word. I was willing of absolutely all of it, because I had found true unconditional love  and hope for the first time in my life. That alone was worth far more than all the trash I had in my life.

The Holy Spirit made many, many changes in my life. I had lived a very wordly and sinful life up until that point. He moved me to do a 180 turnaround and was forming me into a new creation. It was a beautiful thing, and I could just feel the Spirit radiating from within me, as I continued to be obedient to His leadings. Yet as I continued to change I noticed that there were things that still plagued me. I had anger issues that were borderline rage. I had health problems that would not be healed no matter what I would do. I had depression that seemed to be healed after a life of it, then would creep back in as suicidal thoughts. I began to learn about demons and spiritual attack. I became desperate to experience true freedom in Christ. Yet it became illusive to me.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

Every time I would seek out help, prayer and deliverance I would have to tell about my past involvement with witchcraft. Each time I would willingly repent of it, desperate to just be free of it, if that was what was holding on to me. I could literally hear the devil speaking in my head, telling me he would never let me go. I was desperately afraid that this was indeed truth. With everything that plagued me, it seemed very true.

Finally I had a deliverance session that would forever change my life. I gained a lot of information through this deliverance session about generational curses and blood covenants that were made, but I had no idea what that meant. I had no idea the truth about witchcraft and it’s affects on ones life, even though I had been right in the middle of it. In these past few months I have come to learn more about witchcraft and what it does and it has blown my reality away. I thought I knew about magic. I had no idea.

When you are in the occult – practicing any form of witchcraft; you are opening a door to the demonic. This door allows and gives rights to demons (the minions of the devil) to you and your soul. Your soul is your mind, emotions and will. So in essence practicing witchcraft is turning over your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings and your free will to the devil. This usually comes in stages and progresses as it goes. In most cases a person never fully gives themselves over to the devil the first time.

It is very easy to believe that once you have been saved by Jesus Christ and have repented of your sin of witchcraft, that you are free of it. But this is not true. Witchcraft is a very sneaky thing, much like the devil. You see, the devil is not going to waste his time playing around as a child with toys. He is very clever and divisive in his ways. He wants to make sure that when we open a door into his realm, we cannot easily get out. Like a maze. You walk in and think you will quickly find the exit, but find yourself wandering for so long you loose track of time. This is what witchcraft is like. Once you are in, you do not just walk out.

We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

1 John 5:9

When a person does witchcraft (and this includes every form of witchcraft there is, even as “little” as yoga or Ouija boards), they open the door. Then each time they do witchcraft they are inviting in demon spirits. Each spirit brings something in with it to connect them within your person. This could be false beliefs or sickness or addiction, etc. More importantly it causes you to feel that you have tapped in to a power – which you have. The power of the demonic (aka the occult or witchcraft). You feel the power in some way or another. It may be a high, a surge, a force and “awakening” or something similar. This feeling is incredibly satisfying to our senses and fleshly ways and it creates a desire within us to continue to do it. So the person wants to delve deeper into the witchcraft practice, to reach higher levels of this power they have experienced.

What is actually happening is they are granting more and more access to the depths of their soul to the demonic, giving them more and more rights into them. Rights are permissions to use our bodies for their works and feed our soul with their beliefs and demonic spirits. Satan wants us to become portals for his evil work. Once we him access, we are connected to his power, and he sets up things inside of us that can work without our conscious knowledge. So basically, we are actually doing witchcraft and we are not even aware of it. The connection has been made and we have done it on our own free will.

How does this work? It is kind of like running a program on the computer. Say you open the internet and are surfing the web. Then you decide you want to start another project, such as writing an essay or making a poster, etc. You minimize the internet window, but it is still running. Maybe you need it for research later. You open up Word or another program and begin on your new project. You have forgotten you were on the internet. Yet in the background the internet is running. The connection was established. And even if you were to close the window, you can get back onto the internet in seconds, because you have already established the connection, and have the browser readily available.

That is what witchcraft is like. It is an open connection, already established and ready to be used at any time. All you have to do is tap into it. Except in this case, we don’t ever actually close it, like that window, so it is always running, even when we are unaware. That is the deception of witchcraft. It comes in disguise as light, but in reality it is the most dangerous thing you can ever do. You are like a loaded weapon walking around, and the devil can use you anytime he pleases, without any future consent. You have already given over so many rights to yourself, that you don’t need to give any more permission.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

There is a lot of work that goes in to disconnecting yourself from darkness. The amount of work depends on the depth you have gotten into witchcraft. If you only ever dabbled in Ouija boards as a teen, there will be less work to do then if you were a full blown witch casting circles and doing spells. Of course most people who dabble in witchcraft, tend to dive deeper than they even realize. Magic is so deceptive and disguises itself in so many forms, that often times we are practicing witchcraft without even realizing what it is.

The first start to becoming disconnected with witchcraft is an in-depth deliverance session. I have talked to many people who have had past involvement in the occult, but are still plagued by various problems. Some are just physical illness and others are having supernatural experiences of one kind or another. They have all gone through the steps to repent, renounce, pray for release, etc. Yet they are all plagued. The devil wants us to think that we have walked away from the occult, so he can continue to use us for his purposes and damage our relationship with God.

There are many types of deliverance possible, and I have tried a lot! I have tried all kinds of healing prayer and having demons cast out for over a year before I found a ministry that really made an impact. This deliverance ministry goes right to the head demon inside. Demons have a hierarchy, just like the army, ranging from high ranking to low level. The head demon inside of a person is going to be a higher ranking demon, but still be under another more powerful demon than itself. It is going to have assignments in how it works to stop the call God has on your life and hinder your relationship with God, as well as working witchcraft around you.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

way outYou can cast out as many demons as you want, spirits of infirmity, despair, rage, addiction, etc. But if you don’t get right to the head of them all, the head will just call more lower level demons in to serve him. Remember, you have already opened up the connection, and they need no further permission. If you go straight to the head demon and break all of his rights and kick him out, all his underlings will have to go to. It is a wonderful way to make a clean break and start your road to freedom.

Deliverance is just the beginning step to healing from being involved in the occult. You may have to go into a deeper, inner healing type of journey, to begin to find out where you have made other connections willingly with the devil, and then have Jesus help you break them. Every person is different, and you need to be completely led by the Holy Spirit in every step of a deliverance and healing. After a deliverance you should see major fruit of the freedom that you have gained from it. If you go through a deliverance and still have spiritual oppression or signs of supernatural activity in your life, you may have not gone through a proper deliverance.

If you have been involved in the occult in any way, and are wondering why you aren’t experiencing true freedom, then it is time to take this to God. He has a huge call over your life, and believe me, the enemy will stop at nothing to keep you from it! You have a choice to make: either stay comfortable in the life you have now, or take a step out in faith to ask for help and begin this most important journey. It is not an easy step. And if you have hesitation or anger about the idea of deliverance, it is because the demons inside of you do not want to lose their foothold! God has not brought you this far so you can just stay connected to darkness. You did not know you were involved with the devil when you were in the occult, because the devil had you fooled. Now you have new insight from the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, and it’s time to break every chain! Hallelujah!

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

Judges 6:12





March 7 2016

How To Deal With Pain And Anger

pain and angerI have been going through hell lately. It’s been over half of a year now since I began a journey into discovering why I have had a life filled with intense pain. I had gotten to the point where I felt much better than I ever had, because Jesus unconditional love and saving grace had brought me transformation. Yet I discovered that as time went on, I wasn’t doing as well as I thought I was. After the initial transformation (which was huge) I started to decline. Don’t get me wrong – all the changes the Holy Spirit inspired me to make, and all the growth I achieved were still there. Yet I came to a place where I was finally at the end of my rope. I had tried everything to get better with prayer and healing and deliverance. Yet somehow I could barely make it through a day and take care of myself, let alone homeschool my kids and make dinner. I was drowning in pain and anger.

I knew there was something deeper going on, and so I decided to explore options for counseling. Once I began to dive into the emotional and spiritual depths of my soul, I found the answers I had been seeking. I was horribly abused as a child, by the people who loved me and were supposed to be taking care of me. This was a shocking blow to me, because the abuse was so severe that I actually completely blocked it out. I mean I had no memories whatsoever of any of it. Yet the information I began to receive as revelations from the Holy Spirit, finally started to put my life together like a puzzle that had lost the corner pieces.

I have always been drowning in deep pain. Pain deeper than I think one person should ever have to bear the burden of. Yet somehow I did bear it, and continue with life. I think not knowing the source of that pain (aka denial) was very helpful until I could get to a point where the Holy Spirit could begin to heal me. If I had attempted to recover these memories any sooner, I am pretty sure I would have gone completely mad. These are things that no person should have to live through, and I am not even sure how I did. Well, I am sure actually – It was by the protection of God. Yes, even though I suffered severe abuse, God was there protecting me in ways I could not know and got me through to where I am now. Hallelujah! Now THAT is a miracle! I would not even be a lover of Jesus Christ, if the devil were to have succeeded in his plan. Praise the Lord, the Almighty God, that I am where I am right now.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

This journey has been a very difficult road, and it is not over. I have had some days where functioning was not even on my list of things to do that day. I just did what I could to make it through and tried not to have a complete breakdown in front of my kids. I have felt so awful as I have had to face the root of all my pain. I have been depressed, angry, scared, hopeless and worse – suicidal. Yet it has all been worth it because I see the healing Jesus is bringing. Things are improving. Because of this pain I have had to drop out of most of my social groups. At one point I was in 6, yes 6, Bible studies at a time. I was doing well at all of them and enjoying them. I also had a moms group and a life group. I have had to drop out of all of them, except my life group. Which honestly is only because that is the one group the Lord has moved to me stay in.

I haven’t been good company or a good friend. I haven’t been able to pray for people the way I used to or reach out to people in need the way I have wanted too. I have just shut myself in and tried to just do what I could each day. I would often start crying in public (like at some of my groups or at church) because I would be reminded of my great and deep pain. I have felt isolated and very alone. How can you share something like this with anyone else? First of all, it is more than I can bear, so I cannot expect others to bear it as well. Second of all, this is not your every day abuse that you just talk about. Not to say people talk about abuse easily. Yet most types of abuse have at least a support group of some kind or there are other people who have been there you can connect with. No, this abuse is so ugly and horrifying that is has to be kept secret. At least that is how I have lived for months.

I have to say the worst part is, as I have tried to explain to those I know in my life just a little bit, so they could understand why I am looking so depressed or started crying randomly or dropped out of my groups, I have not gotten a positive response. I try not to give details really, because it is personal, and as I said, very hard for people to deal with. I have gotten the brush off, or some kind comments then a change of subject, or some words that were supposed to be comforting but were hurtful instead. I have sat there in church crying, while people I know were a few feet away talking and laughing, oblivious to my pain. It has been very hard for me, especially coming from a place of wanting to push people away, because it seems safer than risking getting hurt again.

He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds. 

Psalm 147:3

I have known suffering personally. I have been in the trenches with it, and longed to climb up out and into the light. Yet I felt so hopeless that I could not even reach up to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe. Even that small of a task seemed impossible in those moments. I know not everyone has experienced that depth of pain like I have, but I do know everyone at some point has reached a point of pain that for them, seemed unbearable. Everyone has had those moments when they feel utterly alone and lost in this life, unsure of what to do to get help with where they are at. And that is why it is my prayer that if I ever, ever see someone suffering, that I would never just turn a blind eye, or walk away from that person without reaching out first. There is nothing like being in the depths of pain and sorrow, and knowing that the very Christians who are supposed to uplift and support you, can easily turn their backs on you in an instant.

I hope I do not sound angry or resentful, because for the most part, I am not. I have learned much from these experiences, about pain, and about people. What I have come to realize is that people hate pain and do not want to deal with it. I know that sounds pretty obvious, but actually it is not. We as people go to great lengths to avoid pain or dealing with the pain we already have. We take prescription drugs, get numbed to give birth, do drugs, drink alcohol, watch TV, and so much more. I know that sounds simple, but really the process by which we go to avoid pain becomes incredibly complicated. We created elaborate stories in our minds to have reason behind what we do to escape pain. We are very convincing to ourselves, but the outside world, and God, are not so fooled by our denial.

Take me for instance. I have tried to cover up my own pain with anger and rage and hate. If you knew me personally you would probably be surprised to hear that, because I try to keep that hidden from outsiders. It is my family that has seen my ugly secret, and has been on the receiving end of most of it. Yet anger has been so much easier for me to deal with. Safer. When I am angry, no one can touch me; no one can hurt me again. I have control, unlike when I was abused I had no control. I can keep those I love at arm’s length, instead of trusting them and being betrayed. I can pretend that I am angry about all kinds of things – things people do or say, or something that happened at church or whatever. That way I don’t have to acknowledge that I am really angry because I was betrayed and hurt and abused. I can just wash those things away with the anger. The funny thing is, anger is what brought me initially to my journey of inner healing. I was tired of being so angry all.the.time. Now I understand why I am angry and can begin to let go of the anger to start tapping into the pain.

My shield is God Most High,
    who saves the upright in heart.

Psalm 7:10

I know that it is hard to think about tapping into your pain. After all, pain is painful. We are told constantly to avoid pain at all costs – not just by our own human nature, but by the world around us. Pain is the enemy, and we must fight it at all costs. Yet we know that the truths of the world are always the opposite of the Truth of God. Jesus tells us that pain is to be expected in this life, no avoided. So when did we buy into the lie that we need to run from pain? When we face the ugliness of our pain, we have to face the ugliness of sin. It is sin that causes pain; our sin and the sins of others against us. The story of Adam and Eve is a perfect example. They sinned against God by believing the lies of the devil, and next thing they knew they had unraveled the foundation of what God had created for them.

Adam blamed Eve and God for his own sin and Eve blamed the devil. Neither one of them could face up to the pain of their sin against God. God did not cause them to sin, Satan did. Satan is the originator of all sin, and will continue to slither into our lives and use anything he can to convince us of his truths. His biggest “truth” is, that we must hide from the pain of sin and blame God for what we have experienced. He absolutely loves that he can turn people away from God, and towards him. Because when we turn to sin, we are turning to Satan himself. Sin begets sin. When we are sinned against it creates sin within us. The sin of the abuse that I endured, caused me to in turn, lash out with sin towards God and others for my whole life. Was I doing it knowingly? No. Did I have good reasons to be angry and lash out in pain. Yes. God does not hold any of that against me, or anyone else for that matter. That was finished at the Cross.

hopeSo we have a choice in this matter of pain. We can accept that we have great pain that we have ignored and that it has caused us to sin, or we can continue to live the lie that the devil has perpetuated for thousands of years. Your pain is too ugly to bear and you need to hide from all of it. It is OK that you are hurting. It is OK that you are angry. It is OK even if you blame God for your pain and anger. What is not OK is that you continue to deny your pain and continue to use it as an excuse to sin. If someone hurt you, or if you have seen horrible injustice to those you love, or worse than that; none of those things are OK. There is nothing that will ever justify that sin against you or anyone else, ever. God is not OK with it, and He will get justice for it in His perfect way. He is the Righteous Judge over all creation, and one day every knee will bow before Him in judgement. Hell is very real, and there will be people there. Only God gets to decide who goes there though. We do not.

I have grown very wear over a lifetime of hiding from my pain. I was unable to deal with my pain fully when I was unable to understand the reasons for my pain. Many times we need to go deep into our souls and our lives to find out the root causes of where our pain comes from. Does that mean you have gone through something as horrific as I have? Maybe not. Everyone has their own story, and each person needs to take that leap of faith to walk with Jesus Christ to come to a place where they can receive His healing. There is a place for you, where you will find amazing freedom in your life and be prepared to fulfill the calling God has anointed you with. Are you ready to walk into that place? Are you ready to earn your crown of glory? He is waiting for you beloved. You are not alone.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

Ephesians 4:1