May 30 2016

Happy Memorial Day

42944c2d0218e2c4edeba1e444f0db9bI am not posting this week. Have a wonderful Memorial Day. I will resume my regular posting next Monday, June 6, with a new recovered memory. God bless you all, my dear brothers and sisters.

May 23 2016

Sexual Assault By Television

sexual assaultI have always been an avid fan of television. It goes all the way back to my childhood days when I would spend as many hours in front of the TV as I could. TV was my friend. It was always there, it never yelled at me or got mad at me. I relied on it. I could use it to escape the hell that was my life. And the only fond memories I have spending time with my father were watching TV. That was the only activity we ever did together. So TV was special to me in many ways. I never would have thought it was harming me in any way, and certainly not a sexual assault.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

1 Peter 2:9

I grew up pretty much watching whatever I wanted. My parents were not around very often. They were either at work or in the bedroom. So TV was my only company, as I had very strict rules surrounding me going out to play with friends. As I grew into adolescence we got cable TV. That means I had regular access to MTV and HBO. At that time MTV still played music videos, and music videos were full of sex, drugs and things of that nature. I was young and impressionable and these things intrigued me. I would fawn over the rock stars and plaster their pictures all over my bedroom walls. Can you say idol worship? I absolutely worshiped them all. I also would sneak in time watching soft porn on HBO late at night, when my parents were in their bedroom. I didn’t know it was porn, I just knew it intrigued me.

Family movies and kids movies are not what the same as they were when I was growing up. I recently tried to watch ‘Romancing the Stone’ with one of my older sons because it was the first movie we watched when we got a VCR in my childhood home. I was very excited to watch this with my son, as I had fond memories of watching it as a youth. You can imagine my surprise when the very first scene included a woman being sexually assaulted. Another time we popped on ‘Goonies’ because my husband loved it as a boy. Yet about 15 minutes in there was a scene revolving around a statue of David (he is naked) and the penis gets knocked off the statue and thrown around and glued back on. I was appalled to say the least.

It is very hard to look back on what I grew up with as a child, that seemed perfectly normal and innocent to me then, and realize that it was completely sexualized. They simply don’t show that type of stuff in children’s movies anymore. Or do they? No, I think they have just gotten better at hiding it. It is rare to find a kids movie that doesn’t have a love story in it, or slip in something with sexual undertones. Just take the short scene injected into ‘Frozen’ of the family all sitting together in the sauna. It flashes by so fast that you barely think about it. But it is there and it sends a message to your brain whether you register is consciously or not. It may not seem like a big deal, but it could be alluding to the man in the sauna being the gay partner of the sauna owner. If that is true, then it is subconsciously telling children that it is OK to have a same-sex relationship. I know in this day and age it seems very OK, but that is completely contrary to what God tells us a relationship is.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Another problem with this scene is, it appears that there are 3 young boys and a girl, who are only wearing towels. I don’t know about you, but I don’t hang out with my kids wearing nothing but a towel. We don’t know for certain that they aren’t wearing swimming suits, but after careful examination, I do not see any bathing suit straps on the girls shoulders. Again, subliminally it is sending a sexual message to children, that nudity is natural and a part of every day life. Sure it is when you are alone or with your spouse, but it is certainly not OK during family time. As I have learned more about sexual abuse, I have come to realize that it is much more than being raped or molested. It is not even limited to a physical act. It can also be related to things that are indirectly done to a person, including showing them sexually stimulating materials. So if that is true, then showing something of this nature to a young child becomes a little more serious, doesn’t it?

Three years ago when I became a Christian, we made some pretty major changes. I went from watching anything and everything to watching basically rated G movies and Christian movies. I found some great Christian cartoons for the kids, and we got rid of cable and Netflix as well. I was so sensitized by the Holy Spirit to violence, sex, cussing and things like that, I literally could not watch anything that I used to watch. I tried, believe me. Well, after over 2 years, we have burned through most of the Christian movies and cartoons. Sometimes you just want to zone out on a movie or show to get your mind off of life. For me it is a welcome respite from the healing work and memories that I get on a weekly basis. So slowly we have started to rent movies on our Roku that were PG-13 and yes even a couple of R movies. I have regretted a majority of them. I am not proud that I have fell into this trap, but at the same time I have gained some valuable information from watching them.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been watching a movie, one that does not promote itself to have any sexual content in it, and be suddenly assaulted by a scene of two people passionately making out or having sex. It really seems to come out of nowhere and I usually try to fast forward through it. For example, we were watching a show about a CIA agent. In one scene someone was looking through pictures in a camera they stole from a spy. As they were flipping through the photos they come to a picture of a closeup of a man’s penis. I could not believe it. I mean I was absolutely horrified. And for a survivor of sexual abuse, it was like a flashback into abuse. Do you think that Hollywood doesn’t know what it is doing? It absolutely has cruel intentions with scenes like this one.

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.

1 Thessalonians 4:7

It is completely irrelevant to have a man’s penis in this movie, yet somehow they managed to slip it in. Many, many movies manage to do this. What is the message we are being sent? First of all, no matter what you want to happen, you are being sexually aroused by pornographic images or watching two people simulate sex (even under the covers). God created us to be aroused by sex. It is a perfectly normal and God-given response. That is how a man and a woman are driven to procreate and therefore keep the population growing. We cannot change how God made us, but when we get unexpectedly aroused, we then often become ashamed. And if we don’t feel shame at being suddenly exposed to sexual images, then we let our arousal excite and stimulate us. Either way, when you are suddenly put in a situation where you are exposed to this sexual content, it is sexual assault. You are being forcefully engaged into a sexual act without your consent. Even if you see only seconds worth and then stop it, you are still being engaged during that short time into a sexual act.

The shame or excitement we feel at the sudden arousal of these images is so strong and unexpected that we aren’t quite sure what to do with them. So we either push them away in an attempt to hide them, or we try to normalize them. If a man is aroused by these things, it is “perfectly normal”, because men are nothing but sexual creatures. They are supposed to be “like dogs” and “always horny”. At least that is what society leads us to believe. However, that is not God’s Truth. God has created men to be leaders in the world, spiritual heads of the house, and examples of the love of Christ to those around them. Nowhere does the Bible describe man, who was created in God’s image, as a sexual being. This is another way to try to derail men from who God has made them to be.

We are not sexual beings. We are human beings. Sex is a natural drive within us, but it should not define us. We were not created to have sex, but to love.  Sex is a beautiful expression of love and desire between two people. It can be an example to use of the love God has. Not a sexual love, but the passion and love and pleasure we feel, are all gifts from God to us, because He desires for us to feel them. They are not wrong or shameful feelings. Yet in this world where we are almost daily assaulted by sexual images, we are led to believe that sex something dirty, shameful and to be treated casually. It can be done between anyone, anytime, and in front of anyone, and that is what is normal.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

The question that this leads me too is what is the drive within us to continue to watch shows and movies when we know that we are going to continually be assaulted by sexual imagery and worse. Have we created that much denial that we can really bypass these things as normal? Have we created a new standard for our Christian values which include being a third-party to other’s sexual relations? Have we decided that voyeurism is now something perfectly acceptable as long as we do it in the comfort of our homes or a darkened theater?

sunset-585334_1920It is quite possible to raise the bar of what you expose yourself to for entertainment. There are tons of wonderful Christian movies and shows for children. Pureflix is my favorite streaming channel, and Dove Channel is a close second. Yet I laxed on my vigilance of staying true to what I knew was going to help keep my mind pure and safe. So what was the draw, because I am sure it is not just me that has been lured away from good Christian content by the charms of wordly shows. All it took was letting one inappropriate movie in, and then over time another, then another. Within 6 months we had Netflix again, which is a gateway to all kinds of evils.

It is very hard to have Netflix or even cable TV and not get sucked into sin. The reality is most TV shows have content against what is true, noble or pure. Yet these are the things God has told us to think on. We are to meditate on His word, not medicate on TV. Yet we do. God does not condemn you for watching these shows, but I do believe He wants to give us a wake up call to things we are being exposed to by watching them. Things much deeper than we even consciously realize. God does not warn us because He is an angry God, He warns us because He wants to protect us. Yet we run and hide from Him, because we are embarrassed at our sin, just as Adam and Eve did. The devil means for us to be so swept up in sin that we hide from God, and therefore His loving embrace. If we are too ashamed to face Him and bring our sin to the light, how can He help us conquer it?

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

The fact of the matter is, the devil has his hands everywhere he can get them. Hollywood is one of the most obvious places he rules over. Protecting ourselves doesn’t mean hiding away from everything potentially bad. That would not give us discernment and wisdom about where danger lies. Protecting ourselves starts with resting in Jesus Christ and holding true to what the word of God says. It means asking the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance in everything we do. It means trusting God to protect us and help steer us away from things that can cause us spiritual or emotional harm, even when they are more tempting than the fruit in the Garden of Eden. God loves you. He wants the best for you, and for your family. He wants to bless you and bring you up into the call He has for you in this world. We need to stop letting the lies of the world distract us, and get down to what is important: Jesus Christ.

Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God.

2 Corinthians 7:1

May 16 2016

Mother’s Day Hell

mother's dayYesterday was Mother’s Day. Traditionally Mother’s Day is hell for me, and has been as far back as I would remember. Why? I could never tell you an exact reason, it’s just that everything seems to go wrong, and by the end of the day I end up feeling like a horrible mother who’s children doesn’t love them. Maybe I am not alone in this matter, but it certainly feels like I am. I see so many friends posting pictures of themselves with their mothers on Facebook, or talking about the wonderful day they had with their children. I see the neighbors driveways filled with cars and hear the laughter of their family get together waft through my bedroom window. All this as I lie in a cold stupor of pain and anguish.

Why would Mother’s Day be so terrible for me? Oh Mother’s Day, let me count the reasons in which I hate you. Let’s start with my non existent relationship with my own mother, including my entire family outside of my husband and children. The pain in not talking to my family alone is incredible. Add on the fact of the abuse that I have endured and the coldness I have received over an entire lifetime, and it becomes excruciating. But I digress.

The real problem with Mother’s Day is not just the pain I feel of having no relationship with my family or seeing other families everywhere I go that are happy. The real trauma comes from the pain and abuse of my childhood, and how it is affecting me to this day. I had grand plans for my Mother’s Day this year. I wanted to spend the day on a family outing. Somewhere outdoors and beautiful where we could feel the sunshine and have a picnic. I wanted to end the day taking the kids to a restaurant: a special treat for them. Yet this was not to be on this day. Instead I spent the better part of the day, locked in my room drowning in pain and despair. I was triggered early in the morning and went into a downward of my own private hell. The pain goes much deeper than anyone could ever realize. It goes all the way back to a little girl in a pretty little yellow dress with lace trim.

If my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me up.

Psalm 27:10

I am walking down a hallway that is only dimly lit. I have wandered away from the watchful eye of my grandmother because I want my mommy. I go to the only door in the hallway and quietly push it open. What I see in that room fills my whole being with terror. There is a room, a secret room, and it is filled with men in black robes and lit by candles. Towards the front center of the room is a table and there is a woman strapped down to the table. There is an audience in the room, seated in in the back part of the room. My stomach flips in circles as I watch. The woman is being sexually abused by 3 men. Other men are chanting and calling down the powers of gods. I see this all in a matter of seconds, before someone violently grabs my arm and yanks me away.

My grandmother scolds me severely for walking away from her as she quietly closes the door. My whole body is shaking with fright as I desperately try to push the images I just saw out of my mind. This was my first introduction into the secret world of the occult at the Mormon church. The woman on the table is my mother. This will be a pivotal moment for this poor little 2 year old girl.

I have never had a close relationship with my mother. She has always been emotionally distant. I was afraid of my grandmother, and longed only to please both of them. Yet I never seemed to be able too. I was always in trouble, always getting scolded for my behavior. I was never good enough, and I often felt ashamed of myself. As I grew, my self hatred also grew. As a little 2 year old girl I had already been subjected to sexual abuse at the hands of my grandmother. I had no idea what was happening in that room that day, but somehow I knew that was soon to be my fate.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
    your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:15-16


It is extremely difficult to write about these things and publicly print them. But the fact of the matter is this was not an isolated incident. This is a common occurrence, not just in the Mormon church, but in many churches and temples, Christians and non Christian alike. It is a secret society that is run by Satan himself, in order to indoctrinate the masses into holding allegiance for him, even though they have no idea. I was only able to recall this memory by the revelation of the Holy Spirit. I am thankful for this and all the other memories, because without them I would not be able to heal from this horror and abuse.

This was the first memory that was given to me by the Holy Spirit. It was difficult, but because the abuse wasn’t being done to me, I was still in denial that anything had happened to me. The Holy Spirit is always gentle and sensitive to a person and what they can handle. He is never pushy or violent. God is a caring and loving Father who wants nothing more than to heal us and bring us into freedom. For my whole life I have been in bondage to hell, and had no idea. Now I know the truth. And the truth has set me free.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4


May 9 2016

Don’t Retreat From God’s Will

retreatHave you ever been in a situation that was 100% out of your comfort zone? Where you feel like you just don’t belong and either you aren’t ready or aren’t qualified? It seems that God has me in these types of situations often, as I am willing to keep surrendering my will to His. And no matter how upset I get about the leadings I feel tugging my heart, I still keep surrendering to His will. Upset may not be the right word. Often times I get down right angry about where I feel the Holy Spirit directing me. It seems like pure madness sometimes! Yet I somehow am able to continue to trust in God, even though there are still parts of my relationship with Him that are so broken.

This past weekend was another one of those times where I was 100% out of my comfort zone. I went to my church women’s retreat. Now I know to some that may sound odd that I was uncomfortable at a women’s retreat; a place where women are supposed to relax and rejuvenate; but this is not the case for me. First of all, I am a home body. I love to be with my family and sleep in my own bed, where my husband is. Not to mention my adorable puppy who is so sweet to me. Second of all, I am going through a very difficult time. Last summer I began a journey of healing where I began to uncover memories of satanic ritual abuse in my childhood. This has absolutely shaken my world to the core. I am going through healing sessions on a weekly basis. I am recovering new memories pretty often still. It has been rough, to say the least.

It is hard to explain really how hard this has been on me. And when I explain these things, it is without intention for people to feel sorry for me. Quite the opposite. Instead I would prefer that people understand the truth about satanic ritual abuse and how real it is in our world today. On a weekly basis I struggle often to do the basics that a wife and mother should do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I have gone through a period of at least 2 months where I just could not cook. And I previously loved to cook and bake. The house was becoming a disaster and the laundry has been sitting in baskets in the living room. Pretty embarrassing if someone happened to drop by. I expect more of myself obviously, being that it is basically my job.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Thank God for a husband that is so understanding and helpful. He does not complain about a messy house or eating frozen lasagna and things like that for dinner all week-long. Nor does he complain that I stopped making his lunches and healthy snacks for him to take to work. I feel awful of course, but I have finally gotten to the point where I am as OK with it as I am going to be. I mean, rightfully I should be in the corner drooling after learning the things I have about my abuse. It is horrific to say the least, yet here I am, still functioning at all. I guess it is a miracle, really.

So back to the retreat. I really never had the intention of going. Like I said, I am a home body. I would prefer to go away for the weekend with my husband to be honest. My husband is my safe place, and getting away with him would be amazing. But I digress. The retreat had two big things going for it that really drew me in. Worship and food. What women would not enjoy a weekend of no meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking? Lovely! And worship, well that is where my heart is. Right in the hands of God the Father, adoring Him and basking in His presence. I knew the worship leader and knew the worship would be awesome! After much prayer I knew it was God’s will, even though I really, really did not want to go. I actually cried and whined many times leading up to the day. Yes I did.

I decided to put on my big girl panties on and go though, taking a new friend I met in a support group. We hadn’t known each other long, but I was excited for her to experience God that weekend. I was very nervous because not only do I prefer to be at home, but also I really struggle with people lately. Especially church people. To be fair, all of my abuse happened at church. It was a Mormon church, but try explaining to a young child that a Mormon church is not a real church. You can’t. That was my life, and church was Christian to me. It was where God was, and God was who left me to be abused by church people.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

So while I completely recognize that the people at my church are not abusing me, I also understand that there is a little girl inside of me who feels that church people are evil and hurt you. It is a part of my healing journey. So it was hard to feel safe around people, especially when I already feel the other moms my age have rejected me completely. Not to say they are rude to me, but I guess standoffish would be a better word. Certainly never warm and inviting. And for someone like me, who is trying to cope with the thoughts and beliefs that have grown out of abuse, it is particularly hard. I know they can’t understand where I am coming from, yet that little girl is very, very hurt nonetheless.

I have to say, I am a sharer. I have no qualms about being open and sharing my self and my life, especially when it comes to what God has done. So when our cabin had cabin time, I was open and shared some of what I have been going through. It was difficult and painful for me, yet I did it because I knew it was right. Somehow though during that first evening I was triggered and started on a downward spiral that went into the next day.

A trigger according to “is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.” I have these at least a few times a month, and I never know when one is going to pop up, or what might set it off. People cannot understand what it is and why it happens, so I have never attempted to explain it to anyone. I am not even sure what triggered me that night, because there was so much going on, I was really overwhelmed. It could have just been me sharing with a group of strangers and triggering a feeling of being unsafe. Whatever it was, I was in a bad state that went to worse, and by noon the next day I was on the porch of the building I was staying in, rocking like mad in a rocking chair, playing worship music to try to not completely lose it.

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

Psalm 91:4-6

A friend asked me to take a walk and I had to decline. I was shaking and everything inside of me was freaking out. I mean I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Apparently I kept it together pretty well, because no one noticed anything amiss. God is that good. I was able to talk on the phone (another miracle, because the cell service was terrible!) to the person I do inner healing with. She was able to walk me through, with the help of Jesus, into a place where I could heal some trauma and get into a stable place. I was really thinking I was going to have to go home. Yet I actually did not want to. At this place I had really felt the presence of God. Even just sitting out on the rocking chair with the wind blowing, I could feel the Holy Spirit stirring me and speaking clearly to me. I wanted more of that.

It has been a long time since I felt that close to God. Part of my abuse is being told God had abandoned me and Jesus was abusing me. So I have gone through a time of being extremely hurt and angry with God. I am healing that and it’s getting better. So I was relishing it the moments of feeling Him so closely during this retreat. It was absolutely wonderful. We had 5 different worship sessions! I was ecstatic! It was so moving and so wonderful. It was what got me through the weekend.

I did met some very lovely ladies at the retreat. I did have some great learning moments from the speaker as well. Yet by the time I got home I was on overload. Emotionally and spiritually I was at rock bottom. On a spiritual level there was so much witchcraft coming at me I got to the point where I stopped being able to discern it. Witchcraft is a very real part of my life, because as I have been separating myself from it (its from the satanic rituals I was in as a child) I am learning so much more about it. It is everywhere. No place is exempt, least of all Christian places. People do it and they often have no idea. That does not make them bad or evil, it just means they do not know. I am learning to distinguish it and protect myself from it everywhere I go. But that is another story.

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

John 7:24

Coming home was a wonderful relief. I have to say, I was absolutely kicking myself for going though. Part of me did not feel that it was worth it to be on complete overload. The other part of me enjoyed not taking care of the house and kids, and eating great food and worshiping. That brings me back to the will of God. Did God know that the weekend was going to be difficult for me? Yes. Did He know that I was going to be triggered, or be overloaded spiritually? Yes. God knew all these things. Yet He also knew that I would spend two hours worshiping Him through art, or that I would connect with some lovely ladies that made me feel very special. And God uses all things for our good, even bad things. So He was able to use the trigger I had over the weekend to bring me more healing in my session just a few days later. He is a worker of miracles, which all stem from His love. Nothing is too big for our Daddy. He knew what I could handle, and He led me there. I as unsure, but I trusted in Him anyway. It was difficult, but I made it through, and stronger in some ways I am sure.

artretreatAs a matter of fact, this weekend has taught me a lot about setting boundaries. I have realized it is OK to say no to people, or groups, because sometimes saying no is for your own health (emotional, spiritual or otherwise). It is OK to take a break from church related activities, or even church itself, because church does not make you Christian. Following Jesus makes you Christian. And sometimes Jesus leads you to those uncomfortable places that fall far away from what you think your life should look like. As long as you are willing to listen, and to follow, He will get you through it, and bring good out of it too. He is just that good.

My prayer for you is that you would be willing to surrender to God’s will in your life right now. I know He is asking you to do something that is far too hard for you to do. But no matter what it is, He is not going to leave you alone in it. He is going to walk with you through it, and see that it works for your good. You just have to be willing; you don’t have to even be brave. Look at me: I was a total whiner and God did not even mind one bit! Life is a new adventure waiting for you, if you will just surrender it to Jesus Christ. He is the One that will take you to places you never dreamed were possible, and He will use them to train you to help others go there too. Bless you!

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:10

May 2 2016

Talking To God

jesus-with-childI have never been cool or popular. I have never had a lot of friends, or been the kind of girl that is the life of the party. I have always been shy and insecure. I have had body image problems: i.e. I think I am fat and ugly. I have been more afraid of people than not, and desperate to connect even in the midst of the fear. I have longed for real intimacy with another human being, not physical, but emotional. I have struggled endlessly to find myself in a world that constantly seems to tell me I’m nobody and not good enough. I have been in hiding, even when out in public, because I am terrified of being hurt, or worse, of being known. If I were to truly be known, then the depth of the pain inside me would come seeping out. And that surely would bring complete rejection upon me.

For those that know me, or follow me, these things may come as a surprise. I probably appear confident and put together. In some ways I am. I have come a long way. That girl that was hurt and scared is still here, but through the love of Christ I have come to find who I was created to be. Or at least, I am beginning to find that person. I actually think I am pretty now. Well, most of the time. Yet I still struggle with feeling fat. I am able to smile at people and look them in the eyes, whereas before that would have been impossible. But most of all, I am able to start to open up my heart a little to others. And it all started with God.

When I was very young, I could see the angels and talk to God. The angels would sing beautiful songs about the Lord to me. I talked to God on a regular basis, because I knew Him. I trusted Him. He was mine. I hadn’t been taught it was wrong; it was just normal to me. For a time anyway. When I was two I would regularly get spanked with a belt for disobedience. Once when I tried to tell my father I talked to God, he became extremely angry with me. Of course he didn’t believe me, and thought there was something wrong with me. If you have been taught that something is wrong or impossible, then you tend to believe it, and carry that belief with you. Well my father grew up in the Catholic church, and of course he believed that I could not talk to God. That was how he was raised.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

Yet I was just a little girl. All I knew was my experience, and that I loved my father and desperately wanted to make him happy. It’s a very small world through the eyes of a child. My father had also been raised being punished for insolence, which is what he considered this whole “talking to God” thing. So I was punished and reprimanded for it. That was the first time I began to doubt my gift and also to doubt God. Yet I did not stop. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite ways to pass the time was to sing. As a small child my song base was rather small, but I did know the songs of the angels. I would sing them to the Lord, in a soft and sweet little voice. It gave me comfort and joy, and helped me worship God, even then.

It was at a very tender young age of two that I also became indoctrinated into my first satanic ritual at the hands of those who I trusted most; my family. That was only the beginning. Once the elders at the Mormon church realized my gift to hear God, they immediately began to punish me for it. They absolutely could not have me talking to God, because this was not the one True God, as I believed. No. They would need to teach me about what was true and what was right, because I was very far away from that. Once my grandmother heard me singing one of the angel songs while I was playing at her house, and she flew into a fit of rage. She grabbed me by the arm and took me straight to the Mormon church so she could tell the elders.

If my father thought it insolent to talk to God, imagine how worshipers of Lucifer felt when one of their disciples was actually singing and worshiping God. It was beyond an outrage. I was given a chance to do the right thing. Bow down and worship the true god, Lucifer, god of light. I was filled with fear, but I had faith in God. He had always been there for me, at least so far. So I did kneel down, and bow, but to the God I knew; the Living God. The elders went mad with rage and beat me until I finally complied with their demands. It was not OK for me to sing these precious songs, because to them I was a traitor. To a little girl it made absolutely no sense. It was just a song.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3-4

These are just some of the memories I began to receive through the revelation of the Holy Spirit when I first began my inner healing.  These are not memories I could have recovered on my own, because they were so painful they had to be buried deep in the recesses of my mind. These memories were pivotal moments in the breaking down of my relationship with God, as well as the gift of discernment He had bestowed upon me. This gift is a very hated gift in the eyes of Lucifer. Anything that can be used to get closer to God and His love is disgusting and must be banished or ruined as far as possible. The gift of discernment is far too revealing to the natural world. It reveals the spiritual world in which God resides as well as the devil without his many disguises.

Many have asked why I would want these memories to ever be retrieved. Why bring up more pain and relive the past abuse. That is a very valid question. The reason is exactly what I wrote in the first two paragraphs of this post. The painfully shy girl who was desperate for love and acceptance but scared to death to actually get it, was a byproduct of this abuse. I was taken from an innocent little girl who loved God and knew Him, to a girl who was contaminated by pure evil for the purpose of being stolen away from God. And that is how I have lived the past 37 years of my life. It is not how I was created to live; not who I was created to be.

So I had a choice: continue to live as a shell of who I should be, or take a dangerous step into the unknown, and into pain, to find a miraculous healing at the end of it. It is not for the faint of heart I suppose, but I honestly don’t consider myself to be a special person to take this task on. I’m not particularly strong or courageous, but then again neither was Abraham. He was willing to leave everything he knew to go only God knew where out of trust. He was also willing to take his beloved son to be a sacrificial lamb without question when asked. Yet he was completely weak and full of faults. I think that is the beauty of it. It is not about being something special in order to walk into your pain and greatest fear. It’s about believing the promises God has given us in the Bible, that there is something much more that we were created for. Then it’s about being desperate enough to want it.

God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:9

guardianangelsI know that everyone has their skeleton in the closet so to speak. My skeleton may be different than yours, but it is not better or worse. Every person has their burdens they must bear over the course of their life. Some are too excruciating to ever let out, and some we are able to tame enough so that we can believe they are not quite that bad. Whatever it is, it has still been left undealt with. And the longer you leave it hidden, the longer you leave it to fester and rot away in the inner most core of who you are. Like a sore that has never healed, it becomes more like a disease, that spreads throughout the entire being, corrupting as it goes. That is how I lived my life. And now I am done. I am on a journey to find freedom and healing, as long as it takes. Because Jesus is worth it. I do this for Him. Because knowing Him, all of Him (at least as much as humanly possible) and being with Him, far outweigh all the bad that I have ever had to deal with.

If you find yourself struggling internally; knowing there is something bubbling up inside and begging to be let out, or if you even only think there is that something but you aren’t quite sure; you are not alone. God, your Father, is right here with you. He has never left you alone, and He isn’t about to start right now. He wants to walk with you through this, just as He has from day 1 of your life. He has amazing plans in store for you. The question is not what, but when. When are you going to take that leap of faith and trust Him enough to surrender your heart and life and accept the healing and freedom He has for you? Today sounds like it may be a good day for that. 🙂

For you are God, O Sovereign Lord. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.

Samuel 7:28