May 15 2017

Hope In The Fiery Trials of Life

hopeWe all go through seasons in life. Some up and some down. Some good and some trying. God is always with us through all of them, no matter what. However, sometimes it really seems like He is much farther away than at other times. Sometimes it seems that He is completely silent when we need Him most. I have had many hard days in my life when I was very sure God was very far away. The circumstances of my life and the suffering I was enduring was a clear indicator that God no longer cared about me.

I think we all go through season in our lives where we believe God does not hear our cries. We look for evidence in our circumstances that God is listening. When we don’t see tangible proof of God moving, we feel abandoned and lose hope. For me, it has been very easy to lose hope. I have been in many hopeless circumstances, and have brought that hopelessness with me into many seasons of my life. What I didn’t know was that even in the most hopeless of circumstances, God is still moving.

I know for many people, they have given up on hope because they feel God is silent. They have been praying and praying and begging God to fix their circumstance or heal their pain, but nothing ever changes. If God is really moving, if God really does answer our prayers and hear our cries, then why do we not see any changes in our lives? Maybe it’s because we don’t know what we are supposed to be looking for.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:18

Recently I went through a bought of severe affliction in my life. I am no stranger to suffering. I have seen my share of suffering, time and again. However I have taken great pains to go through deliverance and healing, and to give myself over to the Holy Spirit for renewal as often as He has asked. So why then, as a Christian who has been promised an abundant life, was I finding myself once again in the midst of suffering?

At first my affliction wasn’t so bad. As the days turned into weeks, my physical pain became greater. As the weeks turned into months, my physical pain turned into emotional anguish. My begging and pleading turned into anger and despair. I was certain God had given up on me once and for all. If He would not spare His servant, who has been so faithful to to Him, from this kind of suffering, then surely He was no longer listening to me. If God did not care for me, then I had no reason for hope at all.

Even in the midst of my despair I continued to seek healing from God. I have inner healing session weekly, and several times I addressed my affliction. I went into deep places of emotional trauma from past events that were directly related to my current suffering. Each time I was sure it was enough and waited for the healing to come. However, instead of healing I would only see temporary relief and then actually get worse.

I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.

Isaiah 48:10

How does a person go into that level of healing and not get better, but get worse!? I could not fathom it. It only drove me deeper into confusion and despair. As upset as I was, I was unwilling to completely give up on God. While part of me was dying inside, another part of me was willing that I should fight for the truth and God’s promises over my life. So I continued to seek God and answers to why my trials would not end.

Finally, when I could take it no longer, the dam burst open and heaven itself poured out over my heart. I had to be willing to look into the darkness in my soul and see things I never wanted to know, but Jesus met me there. It was in that dark place where I was willing to humble myself, that Jesus was able to open His arms wide and let His healing rivers of Living Waters flow. It was not that He could not before, it was that I had to keep fighting to get to the root of the problem. Without getting to the root, the wounds were continuing to fester and swell through out my life in unmanageable ways.

Many times Jesus has shown me where He was in the midst of my afflictions and trials. Even when my physical being could not detect Him, He was there. God is spirit, and He does not move in the ways of man. He moves in the ways that protect our spirit. Our spirit is eternal, and can either be dammed to hell or have everlasting life in heaven with the Father. If we forsake our spirit, then we will find the consequences unbearable. Jesus is not willing to see that happen, and so behind the scenes, He is working in unimaginable ways to protect and provide that for us.

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
    for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
    till the storms of destruction pass by.

Psalm 57:1

We have to understand that the enemy is going to do whatever it takes to convince us that God does not hear us, or has abandoned us. That is why we must live by faith and not by sight. Our emotions are going to deceive us because our hearts are wounded and betrayed by the world. If we continue to live by allowing our souls to lead, we are going to miss out on some of the best moments in the presence of God.

God is in the midst of every trial and tribulation in this life. Jesus never promised us an easy life, He promised an abundant life. What does an abundant life look like? A life led by the Spirit of God, and full of His presence, grace, compassion, mercy, hope and love. A life led with trust in our Father and intimacy through His Spirit. Abundant life means the abundance of His Spirit in our lives, filling it to overflowing with all these good things He provides without measure. Heaped on and poured out endlessly, if only we will open our hearts to receive Him.

I did come to a point of total healing in this particular trial. It taught me one very important lesson, one which I gleaned from the Book of Job. When Satan came into the throne room of God, He didn’t ask for God’s permission to test Job. God Himself pointed Job out to Satan. He said “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

Job 23:10

Why would God point out Job to Satan, when He knew Satan would want to immediately target Job for destruction? The reason God wanted to bring attention to Job was because He was proud of Him. God knew that although Job had some issues with pride and self worth, He was indeed a true lover of the goodness of His Father God. He knew that through some refining in the fire, not only would Job learn to become humble, but that it would build His faith and relationship with God. He knew that even through the fire, Satan could not turn Job from God. It was simply impossible.

So a testing and refining from the trials and tribulations of life actually bring us closer to God, and further from ourselves, and the plans that enemy has to destroy us. What could possibly be a better outcome? By the end of my trial I was able to cry out, thank you Lord, that you have deemed me a blameless and upright woman of God, who turns away from evil. Thank you God, that you have brought me through the fire and refined what needed to be purified, so I could be closer to you. Thank you Lord that your love is stronger than any testing of the devil, and that in your strength, I will overcome.

Let this be your prayer and cry today. Your Father is standing with you right now. You need only to believe it.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

 

 

May 1 2017

Making Your Way Out of the Pit

pitWhen you are down in the pit, there is only one way to go: Up. I have been down in the pit for a long time. I’m not sure when I first fell into the pit, but it seems like its been more like a rabbit hole, where I just kept falling and falling, endlessly. It wasn’t until I started doing my inner healing that I finally landed at the bottom of the pit. It was where I had a firm place to land finally, and allow Jesus to bring me into safety.

Free falling for my whole life has been terrifying at best. I have never known what was going to happen next, or if I was every going to be OK. I only knew that everything inside of me was chaos, and everything outside of me was torture. Only Jesus was able to soothe the chaos of my soul so I could stop falling and finally have hope. Hope had been elusive to me my entire life, yet here I am, bringing the hope of Jesus to everyone else. What a miracle He is.

Even though Jesus brought me to a place where I could stop falling, I was still at the bottom of the pit. The pit is just as scary as the endless rabbit hole. It is dark, it is lonely, and your never sure if you will actually make it out. Yet Jesus brought His light into that pit, and that is where hope entered in. Hope said, you are going to make it through this and see that all of this will indeed bring you something good. After a life with little goodness, it was hard to hang on to that thread of hope.

But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Matthew 4:4

It was the firm foundation in the bottom of that pit that allowed me the stability to completely fall apart. That may sound counter intuitive, but it was exactly what I needed. I had tried so hard to keep it all together for so long I didn’t realize I was single-handedly trying to hold each one of the pieces of my broken soul in place. Once I was able to let go, Jesus was able to come in, and His Holy Spirit was able to start doing the job I had been doing all on my own; holding me together.

It was only in that place of brokenness that I was able to start giving Jesus my soul, one piece at a time. Once I began to see that Jesus was indeed safe, I was able to hand over chunks instead of pieces. Two years later I am no longer at the bottom of the pit, but climbing my way back out. It has been a long and intense journey, but I am finally on the upside. I am nowhere near done, but I am no longer drowning in the deep end either.

It can be a scary place, going into a journey of the inner most recesses of your soul. You have no idea what you are going to find there, you only know it’s probably going to be ugly. And worse than having to deal with it yourself, is allowing God to see it as well. Who wants to air all the dirty laundry of the dark places they’ve been hiding to the One who created everything? It seems far to shameful and painful to do.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

Isaiah 61:7

Jesus is not ashamed or afraid of these dark places. He is the light and He brings hope. Without Jesus, those dark places inside our soul are going to flourish instead of diminish. They are like a stagnant pond that mosquitoes breed in and it just keeps growing and growing. If we want to bring healing into our hearts, we need to allow the Son to come upon the darkness and wash it all away; just as though it has never been.

That is exactly what Jesus can and will do, if we would only allow Him. We cannot hide from the King of Kings. He sees and knows all, including our deepest and darkest secrets. There is no hiding from the One who created us, and we shouldn’t have too. Only the lies that we are ugly and terrible keep us from His truths, which will bring us the freedom that we so desperately desire.

I know the pain and shame that come. I know the fear and the denial that they bring. Yet these things are not born of God, nor are they born of His love for us. The love of God will drive out fear, pain, and shame, and bring us into the light. Instead of cultivating a cesspool within ourselves, we grow a beautiful garden. Our garden of trust, and love and truth, that will be a sweet-smelling sacrifice to our Lord.

But now thus says the Lordhe who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. 

Isaiah 43:1-2

Love is what overcomes all evil. There is no evil too great for the power of love. God’s love with break down every barrier, slay every enemy, steal back every victory we lost, and reclaim every promise. Our Father wants to do all of this for us, we just have to be willing to walk with Him. He never promised the walk would be easy. What He did promise was that He would be right there, in the midst of all of it, bringing us out of the pit we have endured for so long. I am living proof of it.

So today, look out to the promised land and know that the God who led Abraham into His destiny, is the same God that will lead you into yours. The same God that stopped the sun and the moon in the sky, and brought the Midianites to their knees with jars and trumpets, is the same God who is going to protect you and fight for you. You are not alone, no matter how badly it feels. You are not going to stay in the pit forever, no matter how hopeless you feel. You are a son/daughter of the King, and He is right there with, you right now.

Believe in the hope and glory He has promised you, and fight for it. Never give up fighting to hear His voice, trust Him, believe in His promises, and seek His face. No matter how hard it is. You are worth the price He paid, every drop of it.

On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
    a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
    of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
And he will swallow up on this mountain
    the covering that is cast over all peoples,
    the veil that is spread over all nations.
   He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
    for the Lord has spoken.
 It will be said on that day,
    “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
    This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
    let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”

Isaiah 25:6-9

February 6 2017

Gateway To My Soul

soulIt is so easy to feel overwhelmed, like the weight of the war is simply going to crush your soul. There are times when I am attacked relentlessly for days at a time. There is no break, except to just throw myself into complete denial. The enemy is very decisive in his plans against me, and uses many ways to try to torment me. Recently I have had a long battle with a physical problem; my eyes. Not my eye sight, but with my eyes becoming swollen, itchy, red, watery and painful. Basically my eyes were showing signs of allergic reaction. The problem is, there was no reason for this to happen.

Last summer my then 8 year old son begged me for a guinea pig for a pet. He had been asking for one for months, and I was really against it. I am a huge animal lover, and we already have 3 small dogs and a cat. I have never had any type of rodent and I felt that a guinea pig would just be noisy and messy. However, his birthday was coming up, and I could see his little heart was just swelling with love to give to one of these little creatures. So my husband and I decided after much discussion that it would be OK.

Of course my then 6 year old very much wanted one as well. We are suckers I guess, because we came home with 2 little guinea pigs and a cage, etc. I had no idea I was going to fall madly in love with this little piggies! Within a few weeks I was adopting my own sweet piggie. So our house was filled with hay and love. I had no issues, but after time eventually noticed getting a little itchy after holding my piggie.

After a few more months I decided to adopt one more piggie. I couldn’t resist. It was like a gift from heaven. My pets bring me so much joy in the midst of so much war. About a month later my eyes begin to get very red and itchy. Then suddenly one morning, they were swollen when I woke up. It was out of nowhere. I prayed and tried to find out what was going on. My first suspicion is always human spirits or witchcraft. I am harassed almost daily by these things.

My eyes soon became worse and worse, until I could barely open them in the morning because they were so swollen. I tried to treat it as an allergy and make sure to not touch hay, and wash my hands if I held the pigs, and to take allergy medication. There was no relief in the symptoms. I began addressing the issue in my inner healing sessions, and asking for healing prayer at church, because I knew it had to have a spiritual root, since the problem didn’t arise for so long. I went deep where God led me, and addressed issues of self hate and more.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

If relief would come one day, it would just swell up again the next. I began to become despondent. I began to cry out to God in anger. Why was I continuing to suffer when I was so willing to go into the deep places to find out where I was not  aligned with the mind of Christ, or where I was holding on to hate or needing to forgive. I began to feel that maybe God was punishing me, or that maybe He had given Satan permission to thresh me like wheat. Depression started to overtake me.

The physical symptoms were torturous for me. I already have many daily battles with attack from several groups that harass me and my family, as well as the attack I get from doing my ministry. It was altogether to much for me to continue to deal with daily. Especially when I knew I was continually submitting to the Most High to allow Him to refine me in His fire. I began to wonder if God was going to just keep using this pain to bring me into inner healing constantly. I was very angry.

I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for discernment and healing for this problem. I have had to go very deep in order to really get to the root of this problem. Yes, the devil has used my vulnerability as a means to attack me, but I had to be willing to see and address some very intense personal pain in order to truly find healing for my eyes. A very traumatic experience led me to agree with so many lies about myself, the world, people, and God, that it wreaked havoc in my soul. Yet I had no idea that all of that was inside of me, until my body finally decided to speak up.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

You see, our bodies often communicate with us about deep emotional and spiritual issues that we have never tapped into. Many diseases and illnesses, including mental issues, are rooted in emotional pain or trauma from our past. When painful circumstances happen our lives, especially as children, we learn something from them. Usually what we learn is rooted in a pain identity, that shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.

It does not even have to be something that looks very bad. It could be as simple as having someone embarrass you, or having a parent talk very harshly to you. Every person is different, and what breaks one person may not break the next. Some people are traumatized by a car accident or seeing someone they love get hurt, and that is enough for them to hold on to false beliefs such as God is bad, people will hurt you, love brings pain, and so much more.

You see the world is constantly sending us the message that we are fine, we are independent, and that whatever problem there is, we can handle it on our own. Or maybe with the help from some useful medications. And if we need to rely on God, we are weak. We are worthless. That message is from the devil, who wants nothing more than to kill your soul and steal away your relationship to God. So we don’t look within, because we are too busy trying to be OK.

But we are not. We are not OK. We are broken, we are hurting, we are alone, we are in need. And that is OK! We were created to be whole in an interdependent relationship with Jesus Christ alone. We were created to need Him. We were created to partner with Him. And often times even when we think we are doing good working with God, we are actually only surrendering a small part of our hearts to Him, and keeping the rest for ourselves.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

The bottom line is, we are afraid. If God is so great that He would come down to earth and die for us, then how absolutely horrible must we be? We must be like tiny little ants that are so pathetic that God had to throw us a life line, but really He is just angry at us for everything. Wrong. So wrong. God only came down, giving up His throne and His glory out of pure and complete love. A love that looks at us, our brokenness, and sin, and says “I love you just the way you are.”

It’s the devil who has convinced us we are worthless. God does not even see us as worthless at all. He sees the shame we carry, and He feels sorrow for us, because that shame was never ours in the first place. It was given to us through horrible life circumstances that the devil hand picked for us so we could be in bondage to his lies and deceptions. God is not even mad at us for one second. He only wants us to see how intensely He loves us, so we can lay down all this burden before Him and just let Him hold us close.

God’s love for us can never be tainted or broken. It does not matter what we do or where we have been. God has unconditional love and acceptance for us. So until we can begin to turn over all the broken pieces of our hearts to Him, we are going to stay in bondage to our brokenness. It takes courage and faith to look inside of our broken hearts and let God in. We know it’s ugly, but God wants us to understand that He makes beauty from ashes. If God can create an entire universe with His words, He can certainly turn us into the masterpiece we were made to be.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

Psalm 23:5-6

So if you are struggling with anger at God, or physical or mental illness that won’t stop plaguing you, or you know that you are just falling apart at the seams and you can’t stop it anymore, then you know this message is for you. It is time to surrender. You have been running for a very long time, and you know it has led you nowhere. Now it’s time to come home. And home is right here, inside of you, where your Jesus Christ is already waiting for you.

He wants to bring you healing. He wants to bring you joy. It is possible for you. Jesus did not die in vain, but to give you life in abundance, and victory. You just have to be willing to fight to receive the gift that Jesus is freely giving you. The devil has been allowed to make strongholds in your heart, and it’s time to do the work to tear them all down. You can do this, if you are just willing to partner with Jesus.

After being so disheartened, God has revealed to me some important truths. While my eyes are not yet getting better, He is allowing this because I need to understand the depth of this issue. There were many events that took place that have trampled on my soul, and understanding these things is going to bring healing so deep that its going to restore gifts that the enemy tried to steal.

Not every healing is going to come immediately. Sometimes it needs to happen in layers. God does not turn His back on us ever. If you have been praying for a miracle healing and you haven’t seen it yet, it is time to press in and allow the Spirit to move you where He knows you need to go.

No matter what, always remember, we are not flesh and blood, but spirits that are eternal. We are going to cast off this bodies one day, and never remember the pain and suffering we have had to endure. So set your eyes on the eternal truths, and on Jesus Christ Himself.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
 So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

January 23 2017

God’s Promise For The Broken Hearted

god's promiseAs I have been walking through my journey of inner healing  I have had a lot of difficult days. When I have my inner healing session every week, the Holy Spirit always helps me to recall memories that have been blocked out of my conscious mind due to severe trauma. The purpose for this is to continue to break off rights that were given to me through these satanic rituals, which I brought me continued oppression and allowed me to live in false beliefs. These false beliefs have wreaked havoc in my soul for my entire life.

For instance, the beliefs that I am fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and a piece of you know what, were things that have been spoken over me as a child in these rituals. They have been beaten into me. I have internalized them so strongly that I didn’t even realize they were there. I mean, I realized that I constantly beat myself up, telling myself I was fat and ugly and a stupid idiot, but I didn’t think twice about saying those things to myself daily. It just was true. It was my reality.

This is not the reality anyone is born with however. When we are created in heaven by our loving Father, we are bestowed with all the love and wonder and beauty of God Himself. We are a glorious treasure in His eyes. He is so proud of us, as He sends us to this earth to be a mighty soldier for His Kingdom. Yet the devil does not want to allow this. So he works tirelessly to take every good thing from God from us. To tear us down into a million pieces, just like he had done to me.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

When a child experiences any level of hate, trauma or abandonment in their lives, no matter how great or small, it causes a ripple effect throughout their entire lives, unless the problems it creates are addressed and healed. The human brain is designed to be relational, and to thrive off other human interactions. We were designed to be in relationship with our parents and family, which is a way to teach us to grow in relationship with the Triune God, and the Body of Christ. When these relationships are abusive and traumatic, it shapes the development of the brain, which leads to change in the normal ways of emotional, behavioral and cognitive functioning.

Many people are very unaware of what abuse actually is. When you grow up in an environment, it is all you know, and that is what it is normal to you. Most people who have been abused have a hard time seeing it, as it has become accepted as a normal part of life to them. Abuse comes not in just being sexually accosted, or violently treated, but it has many levels. God did not intend for any of His children to live in anything other than love, nurture, acceptance and His goodness. Yet as humans we have taken our proclivity for sin and used it to create generation after generation of harm, violence, punishment and hate.

“How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words?”

Job 19:2

Please read this article for more detailed information on the different types of abuse and what it looks like. As I was growing up I was absolutely miserable. I hated myself, my life, and I wanted to die. I believed death was the only solution to my hellish misery that God had allotted me, and I coveted it like a prized possession. Yet as I grew into my teen years and adult years, I began to make excuses for my life.

I continued to tell myself that my life was not that bad. That it could have been worse. That many people had it worse. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to come out of things a better person, not a weak victim.It was so easy for me to tell myself that any abuse I did remember was OK. It allowed me to believe I was healing and forgiving. The only thing it allowed me to do was live in continued denial about the depth of my pain and the effects on my shattered soul.

I truly did not believe that many of the experiences I had in my life were abuse. So once the Holy Spirit began to bring memories back for me, I began to realize that my life was nothing like the picture I had created for myself. I also realized that all the pretenses I had created to comfort myself were not only keeping in bondage, but also keeping me from freely experiencing God’s promise for me.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

We experience the love of God to degree we allow it in. Our perception of God comes through a filter of how we see ourselves, and vice versa. So when the core of us believes we are ugly, or stupid, or worthless, then we have a very hard time believing God could ever love us, or see us as good. So we reject God because we believe that He has allowed pain and terrible things in this world, and a God like that cannot possibly be good.

It has taken me over a year of healing to come to the place where I finally started getting to some deep roots of self hate. I honestly could not believe I had self hate, even though I could see it clear as day. The core of who I am believed the lies the devil had sown into me, and therefore became a part of my internal belief system. God has been reaching out to me my entire life, waiting to comfort me and bring me His peace, yet I had held out my hands to stop myself from receiving it. My core beliefs told me I did not deserve anything good.

The beautiful thing is, that God wastes nothing. Every bad thing the devil does is nothing compared to what God can do. As a matter of fact, God loves to take things of evil against us, things that were meant to harm us, and turn them around into miracles that glorify the true love and goodness of His heart. Just as Satan asked permission to sift Peter like wheat. This even caused Peter to deny Christ, not once, but three times. Yet God took that act and turned it into a display of His love.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39

Peter was not only readily accepted and forgiven for his rebellion, but also used to bring many, many more into God’s Kingdom. That is the awesome love of our Father. He is good. And He will use every bad thing, every pain, every act of evil, even to the smallest degree, to turn it around and bring His goodness and love into your life. All of these things that have brought you pain and frustration are going to be used to bring such a measure of love into this world, that it will bring you to your knees.

We cannot possible fathom the fullness of God’s promise until we begin to surrender all of our inner most recesses to Jesus. It took me thirsty six years to come to the point where I could even begin to surrender my broken soul to Jesus. I had so much pain and hate in my soul, that it was absolutely unbearable to uncover it, even to Jesus, who is the safest haven that there is. Yet slowly, as He brought me healing, I began to see His trustworthiness. I knew that I could keep going deeper, that I could keep revealing the secret things inside of me, and that Jesus would indeed work these things for my good.

And Jesus will work all things for your good to, if you only will allow Him. You do not have to wait to surrender your heart to Christ. If you are struggling, if you are in pain, if you have lost your identity in Christ, your way to God, your desire to live, or your joy and peace, then you know that Jesus is speaking to you. Come to Him. Trust Him. He is good. He loves you. You, Beloved, are His hearts desire. To be with you, to talk to you, to heal you. Freedom is here. Are you willing to step into it? Jesus is here.

So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.

2 Timothy 1:8

January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.

 

I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17