February 6 2017

Gateway To My Soul

soulIt is so easy to feel overwhelmed, like the weight of the war is simply going to crush your soul. There are times when I am attacked relentlessly for days at a time. There is no break, except to just throw myself into complete denial. The enemy is very decisive in his plans against me, and uses many ways to try to torment me. Recently I have had a long battle with a physical problem; my eyes. Not my eye sight, but with my eyes becoming swollen, itchy, red, watery and painful. Basically my eyes were showing signs of allergic reaction. The problem is, there was no reason for this to happen.

Last summer my then 8 year old son begged me for a guinea pig for a pet. He had been asking for one for months, and I was really against it. I am a huge animal lover, and we already have 3 small dogs and a cat. I have never had any type of rodent and I felt that a guinea pig would just be noisy and messy. However, his birthday was coming up, and I could see his little heart was just swelling with love to give to one of these little creatures. So my husband and I decided after much discussion that it would be OK.

Of course my then 6 year old very much wanted one as well. We are suckers I guess, because we came home with 2 little guinea pigs and a cage, etc. I had no idea I was going to fall madly in love with this little piggies! Within a few weeks I was adopting my own sweet piggie. So our house was filled with hay and love. I had no issues, but after time eventually noticed getting a little itchy after holding my piggie.

After a few more months I decided to adopt one more piggie. I couldn’t resist. It was like a gift from heaven. My pets bring me so much joy in the midst of so much war. About a month later my eyes begin to get very red and itchy. Then suddenly one morning, they were swollen when I woke up. It was out of nowhere. I prayed and tried to find out what was going on. My first suspicion is always human spirits or witchcraft. I am harassed almost daily by these things.

My eyes soon became worse and worse, until I could barely open them in the morning because they were so swollen. I tried to treat it as an allergy and make sure to not touch hay, and wash my hands if I held the pigs, and to take allergy medication. There was no relief in the symptoms. I began addressing the issue in my inner healing sessions, and asking for healing prayer at church, because I knew it had to have a spiritual root, since the problem didn’t arise for so long. I went deep where God led me, and addressed issues of self hate and more.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

If relief would come one day, it would just swell up again the next. I began to become despondent. I began to cry out to God in anger. Why was I continuing to suffer when I was so willing to go into the deep places to find out where I was not  aligned with the mind of Christ, or where I was holding on to hate or needing to forgive. I began to feel that maybe God was punishing me, or that maybe He had given Satan permission to thresh me like wheat. Depression started to overtake me.

The physical symptoms were torturous for me. I already have many daily battles with attack from several groups that harass me and my family, as well as the attack I get from doing my ministry. It was altogether to much for me to continue to deal with daily. Especially when I knew I was continually submitting to the Most High to allow Him to refine me in His fire. I began to wonder if God was going to just keep using this pain to bring me into inner healing constantly. I was very angry.

I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for discernment and healing for this problem. I have had to go very deep in order to really get to the root of this problem. Yes, the devil has used my vulnerability as a means to attack me, but I had to be willing to see and address some very intense personal pain in order to truly find healing for my eyes. A very traumatic experience led me to agree with so many lies about myself, the world, people, and God, that it wreaked havoc in my soul. Yet I had no idea that all of that was inside of me, until my body finally decided to speak up.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

You see, our bodies often communicate with us about deep emotional and spiritual issues that we have never tapped into. Many diseases and illnesses, including mental issues, are rooted in emotional pain or trauma from our past. When painful circumstances happen our lives, especially as children, we learn something from them. Usually what we learn is rooted in a pain identity, that shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.

It does not even have to be something that looks very bad. It could be as simple as having someone embarrass you, or having a parent talk very harshly to you. Every person is different, and what breaks one person may not break the next. Some people are traumatized by a car accident or seeing someone they love get hurt, and that is enough for them to hold on to false beliefs such as God is bad, people will hurt you, love brings pain, and so much more.

You see the world is constantly sending us the message that we are fine, we are independent, and that whatever problem there is, we can handle it on our own. Or maybe with the help from some useful medications. And if we need to rely on God, we are weak. We are worthless. That message is from the devil, who wants nothing more than to kill your soul and steal away your relationship to God. So we don’t look within, because we are too busy trying to be OK.

But we are not. We are not OK. We are broken, we are hurting, we are alone, we are in need. And that is OK! We were created to be whole in an interdependent relationship with Jesus Christ alone. We were created to need Him. We were created to partner with Him. And often times even when we think we are doing good working with God, we are actually only surrendering a small part of our hearts to Him, and keeping the rest for ourselves.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

The bottom line is, we are afraid. If God is so great that He would come down to earth and die for us, then how absolutely horrible must we be? We must be like tiny little ants that are so pathetic that God had to throw us a life line, but really He is just angry at us for everything. Wrong. So wrong. God only came down, giving up His throne and His glory out of pure and complete love. A love that looks at us, our brokenness, and sin, and says “I love you just the way you are.”

It’s the devil who has convinced us we are worthless. God does not even see us as worthless at all. He sees the shame we carry, and He feels sorrow for us, because that shame was never ours in the first place. It was given to us through horrible life circumstances that the devil hand picked for us so we could be in bondage to his lies and deceptions. God is not even mad at us for one second. He only wants us to see how intensely He loves us, so we can lay down all this burden before Him and just let Him hold us close.

God’s love for us can never be tainted or broken. It does not matter what we do or where we have been. God has unconditional love and acceptance for us. So until we can begin to turn over all the broken pieces of our hearts to Him, we are going to stay in bondage to our brokenness. It takes courage and faith to look inside of our broken hearts and let God in. We know it’s ugly, but God wants us to understand that He makes beauty from ashes. If God can create an entire universe with His words, He can certainly turn us into the masterpiece we were made to be.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

Psalm 23:5-6

So if you are struggling with anger at God, or physical or mental illness that won’t stop plaguing you, or you know that you are just falling apart at the seams and you can’t stop it anymore, then you know this message is for you. It is time to surrender. You have been running for a very long time, and you know it has led you nowhere. Now it’s time to come home. And home is right here, inside of you, where your Jesus Christ is already waiting for you.

He wants to bring you healing. He wants to bring you joy. It is possible for you. Jesus did not die in vain, but to give you life in abundance, and victory. You just have to be willing to fight to receive the gift that Jesus is freely giving you. The devil has been allowed to make strongholds in your heart, and it’s time to do the work to tear them all down. You can do this, if you are just willing to partner with Jesus.

After being so disheartened, God has revealed to me some important truths. While my eyes are not yet getting better, He is allowing this because I need to understand the depth of this issue. There were many events that took place that have trampled on my soul, and understanding these things is going to bring healing so deep that its going to restore gifts that the enemy tried to steal.

Not every healing is going to come immediately. Sometimes it needs to happen in layers. God does not turn His back on us ever. If you have been praying for a miracle healing and you haven’t seen it yet, it is time to press in and allow the Spirit to move you where He knows you need to go.

No matter what, always remember, we are not flesh and blood, but spirits that are eternal. We are going to cast off this bodies one day, and never remember the pain and suffering we have had to endure. So set your eyes on the eternal truths, and on Jesus Christ Himself.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
 So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

January 23 2017

God’s Promise For The Broken Hearted

god's promiseAs I have been walking through my journey of inner healing  I have had a lot of difficult days. When I have my inner healing session every week, the Holy Spirit always helps me to recall memories that have been blocked out of my conscious mind due to severe trauma. The purpose for this is to continue to break off rights that were given to me through these satanic rituals, which I brought me continued oppression and allowed me to live in false beliefs. These false beliefs have wreaked havoc in my soul for my entire life.

For instance, the beliefs that I am fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and a piece of you know what, were things that have been spoken over me as a child in these rituals. They have been beaten into me. I have internalized them so strongly that I didn’t even realize they were there. I mean, I realized that I constantly beat myself up, telling myself I was fat and ugly and a stupid idiot, but I didn’t think twice about saying those things to myself daily. It just was true. It was my reality.

This is not the reality anyone is born with however. When we are created in heaven by our loving Father, we are bestowed with all the love and wonder and beauty of God Himself. We are a glorious treasure in His eyes. He is so proud of us, as He sends us to this earth to be a mighty soldier for His Kingdom. Yet the devil does not want to allow this. So he works tirelessly to take every good thing from God from us. To tear us down into a million pieces, just like he had done to me.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

When a child experiences any level of hate, trauma or abandonment in their lives, no matter how great or small, it causes a ripple effect throughout their entire lives, unless the problems it creates are addressed and healed. The human brain is designed to be relational, and to thrive off other human interactions. We were designed to be in relationship with our parents and family, which is a way to teach us to grow in relationship with the Triune God, and the Body of Christ. When these relationships are abusive and traumatic, it shapes the development of the brain, which leads to change in the normal ways of emotional, behavioral and cognitive functioning.

Many people are very unaware of what abuse actually is. When you grow up in an environment, it is all you know, and that is what it is normal to you. Most people who have been abused have a hard time seeing it, as it has become accepted as a normal part of life to them. Abuse comes not in just being sexually accosted, or violently treated, but it has many levels. God did not intend for any of His children to live in anything other than love, nurture, acceptance and His goodness. Yet as humans we have taken our proclivity for sin and used it to create generation after generation of harm, violence, punishment and hate.

“How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words?”

Job 19:2

Please read this article for more detailed information on the different types of abuse and what it looks like. As I was growing up I was absolutely miserable. I hated myself, my life, and I wanted to die. I believed death was the only solution to my hellish misery that God had allotted me, and I coveted it like a prized possession. Yet as I grew into my teen years and adult years, I began to make excuses for my life.

I continued to tell myself that my life was not that bad. That it could have been worse. That many people had it worse. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to come out of things a better person, not a weak victim.It was so easy for me to tell myself that any abuse I did remember was OK. It allowed me to believe I was healing and forgiving. The only thing it allowed me to do was live in continued denial about the depth of my pain and the effects on my shattered soul.

I truly did not believe that many of the experiences I had in my life were abuse. So once the Holy Spirit began to bring memories back for me, I began to realize that my life was nothing like the picture I had created for myself. I also realized that all the pretenses I had created to comfort myself were not only keeping in bondage, but also keeping me from freely experiencing God’s promise for me.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

We experience the love of God to degree we allow it in. Our perception of God comes through a filter of how we see ourselves, and vice versa. So when the core of us believes we are ugly, or stupid, or worthless, then we have a very hard time believing God could ever love us, or see us as good. So we reject God because we believe that He has allowed pain and terrible things in this world, and a God like that cannot possibly be good.

It has taken me over a year of healing to come to the place where I finally started getting to some deep roots of self hate. I honestly could not believe I had self hate, even though I could see it clear as day. The core of who I am believed the lies the devil had sown into me, and therefore became a part of my internal belief system. God has been reaching out to me my entire life, waiting to comfort me and bring me His peace, yet I had held out my hands to stop myself from receiving it. My core beliefs told me I did not deserve anything good.

The beautiful thing is, that God wastes nothing. Every bad thing the devil does is nothing compared to what God can do. As a matter of fact, God loves to take things of evil against us, things that were meant to harm us, and turn them around into miracles that glorify the true love and goodness of His heart. Just as Satan asked permission to sift Peter like wheat. This even caused Peter to deny Christ, not once, but three times. Yet God took that act and turned it into a display of His love.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:37-39

Peter was not only readily accepted and forgiven for his rebellion, but also used to bring many, many more into God’s Kingdom. That is the awesome love of our Father. He is good. And He will use every bad thing, every pain, every act of evil, even to the smallest degree, to turn it around and bring His goodness and love into your life. All of these things that have brought you pain and frustration are going to be used to bring such a measure of love into this world, that it will bring you to your knees.

We cannot possible fathom the fullness of God’s promise until we begin to surrender all of our inner most recesses to Jesus. It took me thirsty six years to come to the point where I could even begin to surrender my broken soul to Jesus. I had so much pain and hate in my soul, that it was absolutely unbearable to uncover it, even to Jesus, who is the safest haven that there is. Yet slowly, as He brought me healing, I began to see His trustworthiness. I knew that I could keep going deeper, that I could keep revealing the secret things inside of me, and that Jesus would indeed work these things for my good.

And Jesus will work all things for your good to, if you only will allow Him. You do not have to wait to surrender your heart to Christ. If you are struggling, if you are in pain, if you have lost your identity in Christ, your way to God, your desire to live, or your joy and peace, then you know that Jesus is speaking to you. Come to Him. Trust Him. He is good. He loves you. You, Beloved, are His hearts desire. To be with you, to talk to you, to heal you. Freedom is here. Are you willing to step into it? Jesus is here.

So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.

2 Timothy 1:8

January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.


I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

October 3 2016

Seeing God As Father

fatherFor most of my life I have held a view of God as mean, distant, judging and condemning, harsh, cruel and hateful. It is the reason I hated Christianity so much. It was the reason I spent a season as an atheist, and it’s the reason I turned to witchcraft. The way we view God is a filter for how we view everything. If we see God as cruel, then we begin to see the world as a terrible place. If we see God as distant, then we begin to suffer in our relationships with others. If we see God as hateful, then we see ourselves as worthless. Everything we believe about God directly connects to what we believe about who we are, and how we behave.

There was a time when I knew God as a child. I had an intimate relationship with Him. I knew His goodness personally. But through many trials and tribulations, that was stolen from me by the hands of the Father of Lies. Thankfully God never abandons us, no matter how far we turn from Him. He never stops loving us and relentlessly pursuing us. God stood by me for years as I cursed His name and hated Him with every fiber of my soul. Yet my spirit knew. My spirit was connected to the Spirit of the Living God, and it always held hope for the return of that relationship I once had.

When I finally came into a place where I was ready to hear the true Gospel message and learn that God indeed did love me, not hate me, I had to start over again with my relationship with God. Or so I thought. I had no memory of every knowing Him, and so to me it felt as though it was a relationship just starting. That is until I saw my husband and son praying for a sign that God was real and getting answers, and I prayed for a sign and God clearly told me I did not need one. I was reminded of all the times I had been walking alone and yet knew there was someone watching me and protecting me. It was not gods and goddesses from my witchcraft beliefs, but it was God the Father Himself, with me every step of the way.

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32

The more I read the Bible and learned about God, the more I was in awe of Him. He was indeed the Creator of the universe and everything in it. He was a worker of miracles, a healer, and full of goodness. Yet I couldn’t shake the longing to please Him. I was sure that things that were going wrong were because I didn’t pray first and ask God. Everything became centered on doing what God wanted, being in God’s will, and pleasing Him. I started living my life centered around those thoughts and ideas of what would make God happy and how I could do right in His eyes. This is a very common belief for many Christians.

What I did not realize was I was really still operating out of beliefs that God is distant, harsh and condemning. Yes I loved God with all of my heart, but I was not only acting out of love, but out of fear. I was very full of fear, but treating fear as though it was obedience. There is no fear in love, so to obey out of fear is not in alignment with the heart of God. God is not worried about our obedience, He is worried about our relationship with Him, and our hearts.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Everything we do flows out of our hearts. If our hearts believe that we need to obey because if we don’t it will make God mad or unhappy with us, then we are not seeing God for who He is. That makes God angry, not loving. That makes God’s love conditional, and based on our works and deeds. Yet the Bible makes it clear that we are not saved by our works, but saved out of the pure love and goodness of God. Why would God come in person to earth and live a human life and then die a convicted criminal, even though He was innocent, if He was going to turn around and continue to judge us and keep us at arm’s length?

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

Psalm 4:23

What kind of love is that? That is human love, not the agape love that God is. There are not boundaries, no conditions with God’s love. God says, “you are mine, therefore I love you.” It is human love that keeps people at arm’s length, for fear of getting hurt. It is human love that says, you hurt me or disappointed me, now I must punish you.” We don’t know God, so we just start to fashion Him into the makings of what we already know. And what we know has been so tainted by the world, that we cannot possibly fathom the truth of who God is.

It is so easy to read the Bible and get it completely misconstrued. God is punishing and cruel, but Jesus is loving and kind. No. The Bible is a whole story, not two separate stories. The Bible is not just any story, it’s a love story. A story of the lengths that God was willing to go through to show us just how deeply He loves us. Yes, in the Old Testament God had to show us what sin is and how dangerous it is. He had to make examples of some people. Not because they were bad or He didn’t love them, but as a way to show us that sin leads to death, not to life.

We cling to sin as though it is our life boat and rescuer. We don’t even know any better. We walk through this world as though we are on a life boat all by ourselves, and we just keep trying to survive day by day. Yet God shows us with the Bible that as long as we keep doing that, we are going to suffer. So He came down personally from His throne in heaven and became a man, nothing special to anyone on this earth, just to show us that we were the most important thing to Him. Period. There is nothing more important to a Father than His children. Nothing.

“On the day when I act,” says the LORD Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him.

Malachi 3:17

It was not until I began doing inner healing that I began to know God in ways that I didn’t even know were possible. He began to slowly strip away everything I every believed about God. He began to show me that what I did believe was just based on my experiences with pain and rejection, and not based on my relationship with Him. It wasn’t until I began to heal the dark places inside of me, and allow Him in to bring His truth and light, that I was even able to hear anything God had to say about who He is. Everything was absolutely tainted by a filter of  pain and trauma.

I am no exception. Pain and trauma are par for the course for every human that ever exists. This world is filled with trials and tribulations, and no one is exempt from them. Even Jesus Himself had to walk through extreme pain and rejection. He knows what pain is, and has walked with each of us through it. Yet because we continue to try to float this life boat out here all alone, we cannot allow God in to bring His truth. We are so busy with surviving we don’t even realize we are doing it.

God as fatherRecently I have grown to new levels of intimacy and understand of God, I really starting a conversation with Him about what to call Him. God is such an impersonal name. It can be used for so many things. God is not a thing, He is a being, and a spirit, just as we are. He is our Father, and He is so full of love and compassion for us. We are just so stuck in our own pain and belief systems that we can’t even see that we are loved. We are too full of self contempt and fear to realize that the truth is that God loves us beyond comprehension. He sees us as valuable and worthy. He sees us as absolutely beautiful and precious.

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Isaiah 43:4

I wasn’t sure what else I could call God, yet I wasn’t exactly ready to call Him Father either. Father was such a foreign concept to me, especially being that I never had a close relationship with my own father. Dad or Daddy sounded even harder to come to grips with, because that is very intimate and really I felt vulnerable just thinking about it. How could I see myself as a little girl and God as a big strong Daddy? I have never even known that. I love my dad, but just like me, he is doing the best he can as a broken soul torn down by this world.

It has taken time and healing, but now I can easily call God Father. As a matter of fact, I refer to Him as Father more often than God. I have started to not see Him as “God” so much, which is so impersonal and distant really, and more as a father. As a father, He created me, He has protected me, provided for me, guided me, nurtured me, taught me, loved me. Those are all things fathers are designed to do. Fatherhood was invented by the first Father ever, our God. When other people call Him God, I think in my head, Father. It is beginning to get harder and harder to relegate Him to just God.

I am in no way taking away from the fact that God is God. He is, but are we really just keeping Him at arms length by calling Him God? It is so much safer to keep the Father at a distance, so we don’t get hurt. If we keep our relationship at just being obedient and doing right, we don’t have to do the work to get to know Him. And if we don’t have to do the work to have the intimacy, then we will never have to do the work on ourselves; healing those dark places that remain hidden within us.

I was very afraid to go to the dark places within me. I was ashamed and sure that God would hate me or be angry at me. Yet God knew of those places the entire time. He knew why they were there, and how deeply they were skewing the entire core of who He created me to be. He never looked down on me, no matter how bad things looked to me. He never was mad, not even for a second. Jesus Christ came in the flesh to become sin; our sin, so we no longer have to. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you no longer have to stay afloat in the life boat all alone. If you take a chance to look up, you will see your loving Father has been with you all along.

“The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

September 12 2016

Redeeming My Life From The Pit

the pitIt has been about a year since I began my journey into inner healing. It has been quite a wild ride for me so far. When I first ventured into inner healing, I had no idea what I was even getting myself into. All I knew is that I was tired of being angry and sick and knew that God had made too many promises for me to live a life on victory to keep walking in pain. Yet I had no idea that when I begged God to help me to be better and to be closer to Him, that it would involve me walking into the deepest and darkest places of my soul. I had to come to grips with things about myself and about my life that many people will never begin to even fathom.

As I journeyed into myself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was horrified at what I found. Not only was I a child of the occult, who had participated in countless satanic rituals, but I was still connected with darkness in so many ways. On the outside I had fully pledged to give my life to Jesus Christ. I knew God and loved Him. I had seen His face and felt His presence. How could I possibly have any connection with darkness at all? I had renounced everything I had ever done wrong about a zillion times!

Yet there it was, staring me boldly in the face: I was still doing witchcraft and I had no idea. How can this be??? Well to understand why a person who is fully committed to Jesus Christ can do witchcraft and not know it, you will have to understand more about witchcraft itself. Witchcraft (which I have broken down step by step in this video) is not only about doing spells and rituals around an alter. When you get right down to what witchcraft is, it is simply using the power of the demonic inside of you paired with your intent to cause change around you.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4;16

This means all you have to do is think angry thoughts about someone, and if you have any connections with darkness, you have just done witchcraft, because those demons use that intent within you to carry it out against that person. It is really that simple and easy to do. Literally anyone can do witchcraft. The devil has tried very hard to create an image of what witchcraft is that is not the entire truth. Yes, there are people out there who identify as witches and use witchcraft as a lifestyle and religion, but that does not mean that only these witches do witchcraft.

It took me a long time to understand what witchcraft truly was. I had to go through many healing sessions in order to understand why I was still doing it, and how it all started and why I was still connected to darkness. I had to forgive myself for doing it and love myself through it. Through a lot of pain and abuse I was forced to choose witchcraft and I had a lot of hidden places inside of me that I was not consciously aware of still choosing witchcraft over God. Because I was not consciously aware of this, I was not able to disconnect those places from the darkness.

It was not until I was willing to go into theses deep and hidden places within myself that I was able to allow Jesus to show them to me. I could never have gone there on my own. These places are so filled with pain and trauma that it was not possible to even look at them without the help of God Himself. He had to walk with me and protect me in these places, so that He could bring healing to them which would allow me to disconnect from darkness.

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. 

Jeremiah 33:6

I know for some it sounds very scary and terrifying to even think that this could be reality. Not just the pain and trauma, but walking with darkness and not even knowing it. What Christian (or even non Christian really) wants to think they might be doing witchcraft and not even know it?? None! I know I certainly didn’t! But the truth is, that because I have been willing to know this truth, I have been able to find incredible freedom!!

Going into these dark places has brought me to the lowest of lows; the pit. The pit is a terrible place to be. You feel alone, lost, confused, bewildered, depressed, angry, rejected, hated, and more. When you are in the pit, you cannot see out. You can see daylight, but it’s too far away to matter to you. I am not going to lie; this past year has been like hell for me. There have been times I wanted to die. There have been times I hated God and was ready to walk away from Him. There were times when I scared my husband because he really thought I was going to harm myself and he wasn’t home.

Healing isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty. But sometimes you have to get to the lowest of lows in order to start climbing back to the heights again. I lost my deep sense of connection with God. I lost myself. But how can you not loose everything when your whole world is shaken? The very core of who I thought I was, was torn asunder. I was left with nothing. Nothing but the Rock on which I stand. It is that Rock which has carried me through, even when I didn’t care to hear His name, because the pain was more than I could possibly bear.

He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure.

Psalm 40:2

Every healing journey will be different. Every person’s life and past is different. But there is one thing that is always the same: our human emotions. And they will always threaten to take over and bring us to places we don’t think we can ever handle. But we will, if we have already built a foundation on Jesus Christ. No matter what we go through or walk into, Jesus Christ will redeem us from it. Always.

During the past year as I fell deep into the pit, so did everything around me. My relationships, my house, my body. I gained a lot of weight, my house was always a mess, I could barely cook a decent meal and for a time we basically lived on fast food and frozen meals. I hated myself for it too. It was my job to clean and cook and take care of the house and I couldn’t even do that. Some days all I could do was just keep breathing and stay alive. It really was that difficult.

Yet here I sit today, on a Monday of all days, writing about the immense hope and joy God has given me through this process. I am nowhere near done, but I am so very thankful for where I am. Mondays have been the worst day of every week for several months. I have had the most spiritual attack on Mondays because of my blog, and it has come from several sources that are very powerful. Monday has been a day where I barely make it through the day because I am so overwhelmed by the attack against me. The curse is over my friends, and now I sit rejoicing!

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us

Romans 5:3-5

Last Monday was the third Monday in a row that I felt good. I mean really good. I decided to start on the housework that had been neglected for a very long time. As I was scrubbing my shower that was so moldy it was black around the bottom, I was praising God and rejoicing. I felt amazing that I was cleaning this disgusting mold up, because three weeks prior, I wouldn’t even have been able to even consider cleaning the shower. I would have looked at it and felt shame and self hatred.

Yet there I was, working my butt off and loving it! It felt so good! In the past two weeks I have started working on getting healthier and getting organized. I am starting to loose some weight and exercise and clean and I am feeling so thankful for it. I am not saying I feel great every day, or that I am even back to where I was before I started all of this, because I am not. But the days of the pit are over, and I pray that I will not go back.

Recently I was reading the book ‘School of Prophets’ by Kris Valloton, a really amazing book, and I came to a really important revelation. I want to walk in the call God has for me, and I want to help people. I want to be able to maybe speak to groups of people and pray for them and write a book someday and do so much more with my ministry. I have been very upset that my ministry seems to small and unimportant in the scope of the big picture of things. I have actually been angry and sad about it. In this book there is a “Core Values Assessment Test” and as I read through the questions, it as like a smack in the face. I have so far left to go on my healing journey.

woods-768753_1920I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. If I want to walk in the call God has given me, if I want to reach the full potential that He has created in me, and if I want to do the amazing things He has shown me are possible, then I need to keep doing the work. And even though I have been in the pit, and have been so broken and lost, God has still used me. What an incredible miracle! God has such grace upon His children. Because I have been willing to walk out my healing and surrender to His love, He has been growing my ministry and using me in incredible ways. I am so very thankful for that.

So for today, I am going to focus on today. I am not going to focus on wondering what my future holds, or what my next healing session holds, but instead I will focus on getting better today, loving my family today, and living with Jesus today. I know that healing can seem terrifying and maybe like too much work. But today, I invite you to let go of all of your fears and anxieties and give them to God, your Father. He cares so much for you. He knows the struggles you have and why, and all He wants is to bring you to the person He created you to be.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

This world has molded and shaped you into it’s own liking, and has caused you to fall so far from the glory of God in your life. It’s not just about our sin, but about our willingness to go inside ourselves and see where we need healing and reshaping by the very hands of God. Jesus knows you already, and knows all the dark places inside of you. He does not hate you or look down on you for them. Even if it turns out you are connected with darkness and doing witchcraft. He doesn’t care about that: He cares about your heart and He cares about you. He loves you and He wants the best for you: being who He created you to be.

There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. There is only love, grace and mercy. That is my testimony. The love of God will set you free, if only you are willing to choose it, and love Him more than yourself. If you refuse to look into those dark places (with His help) and walk into healing with Him, then you are choosing yourself over God. Wanting to stay in denial is not going to help you, but only cause you, and those you love more harm. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Let Him bring you freedom, and life! No it will not be easy. No it will not always feel good. Yes it takes a lot of work and time, but each and every one of us needs to go there.

If you are in the pit today, take heart that there is hope for you! The pit is only a temporary place, no matter what it feels like right now. Jesus Christ is our hope and glory and if you keep giving your life and yourself over to Him, you will be redeemed. He has promised this. If you know there is more for you in this life, yet no matter what you have done it is still just out of arm’s reach; then know that this is a sign for you. It is your turn beloved. It is your time to walk into healing with Jesus Christ.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5