Confronting My Self-Hatred

self-hatredI have come to realize recently that a lot of my suffering has been because I am actually doing witchcraft on myself. I have been experiencing numerous physical, emotional, and spiritual ailments because of this, and it’s about time that I confront this situation.

It all started with an allergy attack a few weeks ago. I woke up with my sinuses congested and running simultaneously, which is a miserable combination. I knew from experience that an allergy attack for me is actually a witchcraft attack, usually by human spirits. However, no amount of prayer could stop this attack and that is when I knew it must be coming from me.

In my experience anytime I am feeling the effects of some sort of spiritual attack that cannot be prayed off it is always because it is coming from me, or I am agreeing with it if it is coming from another source. I have cursed myself with sores on my eyes, extreme bloating, allergy attacks, stomach pain, nausea, and more, and the only cure is to get to the root.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Genesis 1:27

The root is usually some deeply ingrained belief that was started in my childhood and reinforced throughout my life, and almost always involves self-hate. Self-hate has been a powerful motivator for my dissociative alters to attack me from the inside out, however, I am absolutely agreeing with that agenda with my conscious mind.

For instance, I have struggled with my weight for years. When I was pregnant with my last two sons (over ten years ago) I gained a lot of weight. I am naturally a petite framed person, but I ended up being over 220 pounds at my heaviest. I was very uncomfortable in my body and it was all the more reason to hate myself. However, I eventually lost some of the weight and went down to 175. I was not happy with this weight, but I accepted it because I was trapped in a body I wanted no part of.

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:3

When I got saved a few years later, I wanted my outer appearance to reflect the Holy Spirit’s work within me, so I went on an extreme diet and exercise program to lose weight. I told myself it was to please God, but it was really another way to abuse my poor body. I couldn’t admit how much I hated myself because then I would have to look deeper into the reasons why I would hate myself.

I ended up losing a ton of weight and got down to 124 pounds, but it wasn’t enough. My self-hatred agreed with the occult’s internal agenda to kill myself, so I continued to do high levels of witchcraft on my own body. This led to extreme bloating (and when I say extreme I mean I looked 6-9 months pregnant at its worst) and so I thought I was still fat. I insisted I needed to keep losing weight to achieve the body I thought I should have, but I couldn’t keep up the abusive diet I had bound myself to.

I gave up trying to lose weight in hopes that I could just be healthy and maintain my weight, but when you are in complete denial that you hate yourself because you have no control over your life and the fact that you are in the highest levels of the Illuminati and going to Satanic rituals, then it’s almost impossible to keep up a facade of being healthy. I hated myself for the things I had to endure and I believed it was all my fault.

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

Hosea 6:6

It has taken my years of struggling to come to terms with my body just as it is, especially since I gained all the weight I lost back and then some. I continually tried to lose weight and failed, and only recently came to a place where I could actually love my body. Not just say I love my body and then find twenty things wrong with it, but to look at myself and say hey – you are beautiful! What a long road I had to go on to get to that point only to find myself right back where I was in the first place – self-hate!

When I came to a place of loving my body, I started to eat healthily, and without even trying I began to lose weight. However, once I realized I was losing weight the drive to lose more weight kicked into high gear and I became obsessed with it. So it turns out that although I had come to love my body as is, I still actually really hate myself.

So what is this internal drive towards self-hatred that has me breaking out in sores and being incapacitated by allergy attacks? Add to that stomach pain and bloating so I am unable to eat a full meal. It is the need to drive myself as far away from God as possible. It is the deep-down belief that I am just a whore of Satan and therefore defiled and despicable to God.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

I cannot tell you how many times I have worked on this very core issue, yet here it is, still as fresh as it was the very first time. When you are used in Satanic ritual abuse as a sexual object and abused to the most depraved levels, you do believe you are a whore. You believe you are filthy, rotten, no good, and disgusting. Nothing in this world can ever change or alter that belief because it comes from a supernatural place.

Even though it starts with physical abuse, it is the spiritual abuse that affects us the most. The generational curses, the connections with fallen ones, and the spiritual beings that we are harnessed to make us believe our spirits are so defiled that we can never be near God the Father. This is by design by Satan himself so that we will believe we are tarnished and corrupted like he is, and stop trying forever to connect with our true identities in Jesus Christ.

My true identity in Christ that was given to me before time began was to be a messenger of hope in this dark world. I was asked to go into the highest levels of the Illuminati so that I could come out to the other side of darkness and share the truth that God’s love is more powerful than whatever the enemy can do. Whatever length he goes to shatter you, God our Father in heaven will pick up the pieces and make your brand new.

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Deuteronomy 31:8

Yet  I have lived in fear of this exact call. I have agreed with the plan of Satan against my life to never speak up for the truth, but instead, shut up. He wants me to believe I am a vile whore because if that’s true I have no right to ever talk about the redemptive love of Christ. Instead, if I ever try I will fail because I will be incapacitated by my own self-hate and witchcraft.

We are all going through this struggle, this push and pull between God’s love and our own self-hate. We desperately want to believe in His love and see His miraculous intervention, but always for someone else and never for ourselves. Well, it’s time to stand up for ourselves and say no more. We must resist the devil so he will flee but first, we need to understand that even that act in itself is possibly going to be the hardest thing we ever do.

I have had my fair share of resisting the devil’s attacks when they come. I have prayed and recited scripture and told myself the truth and every other thing I could think of when I felt I was being crushed under a billion-pound weight. Yet I was so weak that when the attack came immediately again I just gave up. I couldn’t do it because I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face the truth inside that I believe I’m evil and why. I wanted to get on my phone and watch youtube or play a game!

How precious also are Your thoughts for me, God! How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139:17

Should I beat myself up for this or should I ask God to extend His grace to me so I can actually love and accept myself right where I am? I am in the fight of my life to leave the Illuminati. I am facing hard truths about the role I have had to play for them, and the effect it has had on me and my family. It is very ugly looking at these things and I really want to run and hide. I don’t want to see it or know it, but I have to unless I want to relegate my children to the same fate.

So I can’t do much right now and I’m overweight – in the grand scheme of God’s plan, I am breaking captives free by being brave enough to face the things Satan has hidden inside of me. While it is important to take actual care of myself (and not pretend to while abusing my body) it is more important to free my soul enough that I can connect to the Most High God and follow His plan for me daily. That’s no simple job.

So for today, maybe it is enough to recognize that I have been doing massive amounts of witchcraft on myself, but that I don’t actually need to. Doing witchcraft to keep me in denial and align me with Satan’s plan does not help me and it is not who God created me to be. He created me to be a fighter and an overcomer and if that is who God says I am, then today, I chose to believe it. I chose to believe I am forgiven, loved, bought with a price, chosen and redeemed, and invited here in this time to walk out the call that God gave me before time began, and I hope you too will do the same.

I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Isaiah 44:22