This past week has been very trying for me as I learn to navigate through extreme trauma triggers. The other day was my birthday, which I expected to be difficult. All ritual abuse survivors have been abused repeatedly on their birthdays, and so even if you have come to a place of freedom from physical rituals, you still have to battle through the spiritual aspect of it.
Not only does the spiritual attack from astral rituals and human spirit harassment come into play, but also dealing with the emotional trauma of abuse that was perpetrated repeatedly. Even if you don’t have any visible trauma happening to you, it can feel as if you are reliving the trauma and it can become quite overwhelming.
That is what happened to me this week. I had been trying to prepare myself to deal with my birthday. I had been praying and surrendering and trusting in Jesus to help me through. I expected some form of attack to come, but I expected it to come most likely from my family. I didn’t expect it to come from a new friend I had just met. I was completely ambushed and it threw me off.
You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.
I had decided to treat the day like any normal day and go about my usual chores to take my mind off things. I thought I might make myself a cake and clean the bathrooms. When this person called I actually felt that maybe they wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I don’t have any friends and I was kind of excited. What they actually called for is to rebuke me for sharing something in our group they didn’t approve of. Funnily enough, it was a Biblical proclamation by Derek Prince.
Unfortunately, I completely lost it. What I mean by that is my emotions were more than I could handle. I didn’t yell or scream or say terrible things, but I was very emotional and didn’t respond in a mature way that I would have liked to. That is how it goes with trauma triggers. They hit you like a ton of bricks and before you know it you can only respond from a place of trauma. You lose control of yourself because trauma becomes so heightened as you are reliving it from the past.
It doesn’t look like you are reliving it. You might be perfectly safe at that moment, but the emotions don’t and can’t match your current reality. I have lived like this for so very long. It used to be much worse because my trauma response was daily, usually all through the day. If my kids didn’t listen to me, or if I felt like the house was too messy, or things felt out of control, or I felt like my husband didn’t care about me, my trauma response took hold. My emotions went from 0 to 600 in seconds and I had no say any longer.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
So in hindsight, I have done much better this week in response to trauma triggers. I didn’t yell or scream at anyone, or completely lose functioning, or curl up into a ball and cry (ok maybe once). But I did get very emotional when talking to people and had some responses out of unrighteous anger towards my kids and husband. I felt very shaky and had a very hard time curbing my very wicked thoughts about the situation.
Here’s how I have learned to cope with the trauma: pour all my heart, fears, and emotions out to Jesus as much as necessary. Journaling about what happened and how I feel is another outlet. Continually repent, repent and renounce for all my thoughts and sins towards others, including any type of witchcraft. Pray, proclaim, and repeat scripture as much as possible. Worship, whether by singing, listening, or just verbally worshipping Him.. And lastly, distract myself. By taking myself out of my situation and briefly focusing on a tv show or Youtube video that is lighthearted or funny, actually helped quite a bit.
Trauma triggers are hard. Scratch that. Trauma triggers are extremely overwhelming and difficult, but they are not insurmountable. They can be overcome and in time, with truth and Biblical counseling, they can be healed. I have come a long way and I do expect to see even more healing as time goes on. But we must have grace for ourselves when this happens. We might need to stop what we are doing and separate ourselves from the situation or people so we can pray, repent, proclaim or contact someone who can pray for us and talk us down.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
There is nothing wrong with you if you have been having these extreme reactions. If you have survived trauma, whether you remember it or not, it affects your brain, your nervous system, your response time, and much more. You are coping with heavy emotions and it affects your body as well as your life. You have to go easy on yourself knowing that there is a root cause to this behavior, and the problem is not you.
We are all sinners, completely broken and in need to grace. If Jesus has enough grace for you, then why do you deny yourself of it? If His grace is not enough for you, to cover your sin and forgive you and bring redemption, then what is the point of the cross?
We have a much bigger God than all of the pain and trauma you experienced, as well as your behaviors and responses. God sees your heart. He knows you better than you know yourself. Put down the whip and hand it to Jesus and allow His healing to come to surround you instead. It is the devil that wants to punish you, so why are you agreeing with him instead of Jesus Christ?
For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
We are all in a journey of healing, and we each go at the pace that God Himself sets. We can’t speed it up or slow it down because He is sovereign over it. He’s sovereign over our brains, our bodies our lives and we need to learn to trust Him in the process of it. And you can. I know you can. I believe in you because you have a God much bigger and far more powerful than anything else.
I love you. You’ve got this. We’re in this together. You’re safe. I pray peace be still in Jesus’ name.
May mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.