Growing up I made countless vows to myself to never be like my parents, specifically like my mother. I grew up in such an atmosphere of hate and shame, feeling so worthless and unloved, so when I gave birth to my first son, I vowed I would be different. And I was in many ways. Unlike my parents, I held my children as much as possible, and even utilized baby carriers when I could. I co-slept, breastfed, and stayed at home, giving my time and attention to my children.
I wanted to be the very best mom, but I knew I was failing in many ways. Even though I vowed to be different, there were some ways in which I could not break the cycle. My first marriage was abusive, both physically and emotionally, and we were both drug addicts and alcoholics. I wanted to quit, and I made efforts to keep these addictions away from my children, but they were my only solace on many days.
I have always harbored deep regrets about specific moments in my life, especially moments where I feel I failed my sons. These are regrets that have so shamed me that I have carried them quietly with me, fearful of what it meant about me as a person. So when I came to Christ and I was finally to make more lasting and permanent changes, being a better mom was at the top of my list.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:19
Being a good mom is always something to strive for, but oftentimes we have to understand that failure is going to be a normal part of our lives. We are going to fail ourselves and those we love, and that is a beautiful thing if we allow Jesus to pick up where we fall short. However, during my journey, I have had a very difficult time understanding that the failures of my life do not define me, nor do they make me a terrible human being.
I have felt so sure I have ruined my children’s lives or done irreparable damage to them, and I have used that as a weapon to punish myself over the years. For me, failing to truly meet all of my children’s needs has been a sign that I was no better than my parents at all. Instead, I was a horrible, abusive monster who was altogether evil underneath the Christian facade. What I couldn’t understand was that I was not at all a failure, because I had done the most important thing any parent could do for their child – surrender my life to Jesus Christ.
It has taken a massive shaking up in my home for me to finally come to terms with some deep truths about my life:
I am not a horrible mother, but a woman who raised her children to the best of her ability while dealing with abusive relationships and all its repercussions.
I am not a failure because I hurt my children, I am a human who fails and like everyone else hurts those I love sometimes.
My children are not ruined because of me, on the contrary, they will be blessed because I have chosen to rise up from the abusive circumstances of my life and follow Jesus into healing and freedom.
Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.
Part of understanding these truths was understanding the same things about my own parents. While my parents did fail me in many ways and were very abusive, they were actually doing the best they could. They too were abused and we have all been living under a legacy of abuse that was handed down the generational line to keep us connected to the occult gods. That does not make them evil, it makes them human, just like me, and because of Jesus Christ they could not ruin my life, but teach me instead to persevere through great adversity.
I thought I had forgiven my parents for so many things, but I was actually holding on to some of the abuse as a weapon against them from ever hurting me again. By holding on to this weapon I was only hurting myself and giving my own children a case against me for my mistakes. This is a common theme you will find in many families, as the spirits of their ancestors use this unforgiveness as a power to hold over the generations after them.
In my family, there were Satanic rituals that were binding me to the abuse, shame, and hatred of my ancestors who dedicated their lives to fallen angels. Not only the rituals of these ancestors who spilled their blood for occult power, but also the rituals I was forced into as a child. Even before I had children of my own, I was forced to bend a knee to Molech to dedicate my future generations to him, giving him the right to use each one of us indefinitely.
I myself will set my face against that man and will cut him off from among his people, because he has given one of his children to Molech, to make my sanctuary unclean and to profane my holy name. And if the people of the land do at all close their eyes to that man when he gives one of his children to Molech, and do not put him to death, then I will set my face against that man and against his clan and will cut them off from among their people, him and all who follow him in whoring after Molech.
When fallen angels become the gods over generational lines they automatically get a way to extend their power and authority in this world. Each generation marries into other families, connecting that fallen angel with new territories, and new family lines. The fallen angel’s power grows and multiplies, and after thousands of years, we cannot even imagine the hold they have over our lives.
Fallen angels command armies of demons, Nephilim, and the human spirits of the family lines they rule over. These spirits are all used in accordance with the ultimate plan, which is to follow Satan to God’s throne, overthrowing him for all time. Of course, we know that Satan can never take power over the One True Living God.; it is not even a remote possibility. That does not stop the antichrist agenda Satan has, for we know that these are all things that must come to pass before we see Jesus return.
Yet for me, I have decided to make a stand. I have spent these past four years in inner healing, disconnecting from the hidden antichrist agenda set up inside me, which harbors the connections to these false gods, and leads me to a place of self worship, despair, and powerlessness as I have tried desperately to cling to the old way of life which has been modeled to me by my family ancestors. I am working diligently to stop the cycle of abuse and bondage over my family line, and as the famous idiom states “the buck stops here”.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
I refuse to continue to worship the gods of my ancestors and allow them to use my family for their power and control. I refuse to keep continuing a lineage of abuse and heritage of secret Satanism going for my future generations. I have had to come into the revelation of a great many horrible and revolting things in my life, but the knowledge of these things will not scare me into keeping quiet. Just the opposite: the truth is going to set me free so I can spread it to others who are like me.
I will not be dissuaded from my goal; to keep fighting to set the captives free, starting with my own family. Until then, I will keep worshiping the King of Kings, knowing that all my trials in this world are for a greater purpose: to see the light of the glory of God be spread through all of the earth until the name of Jesus Christ is lifted up for all to see. We are not fighting in vain, but waiting until we see the day when Jesus Christ will come on the clouds for our ultimate victory.
Satan has not won, nor are we in a battle of good against evil. Evil does not ever win, and God always uses Satan’s plans for His good. God’s plan for this world is good, and our redemption is coming. We must continue to press on and believe in the truth that God is willing that none should perish, and we are a part of that good plan. If ever there was proof that Satan never had a chance to win in this world, I know my life and my dedication to this cause should be enough.
I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time—he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.
1 Timothy 6:13-16