I never wanted to be a dominating wife, but sometimes God leads you down one path in order to teach you along the journey. As a young woman growing up I began to experiment with intimate relationships with other women. I was tired of being “used and abused” by men and I firmly believed that if I was in a relationship with a woman I would never be hurt or abused. A woman would be compassionate and kind, and would never, never use me for sex.
However, it didn’t take me long to discover that I was 100% wrong in that belief. Women did want to use me just for sex and were just as manipulative and hurtful as any man. I was really shocked and blown away by this, and I was ready to just quit relationships and be single for a very long time. That is until I met a sweet young man who allowed me to turn the tables on domination, at least temporarily.
I brought him into my world where I was working the local poetry scene to become a well-known poet, and learning to become a witch. I taught him everything I knew and thereby becoming the leader in the relationship. I don’t think I realized it at the time, but I relished the power it gave me over him. I felt like I had some kind of control and influence finally! I was so used to be dominated and here was a man (a boy really because we were so young) who looked up to me and followed my lead.
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 14:1
Unfortunately, the relationship turned physically violent and was very unhealthy, and after two children and two years of marriage, we were divorced. The end of the relationship was devastating to me as I was left a single mom with two babes 2 and under. I was left in a very vulnerable state and I ended up in yet another extremely dominating relationship where I was very abused and manipulated.
What I didn’t realize about my past was that the problem I had was not in my relationships, but in the extreme domination that comes with being a ritual abuse survivor. As a female, you are taught to be submissive and allow all number of horrors to come upon you without fighting it. The point of this is to then turn around and become to dominator in the rituals. After taking in all of the anger, pain, and abuse you will gladly turn it around and heap it onto someone else.
In the occult, the most dominated person is the most powerful, so ultimately my role would be to dominate my husband and he would worship me. It is completely backward from God’s plan for marriage for the wife to be submissive. Yet when I met my current husband of 14 years we had no idea what the devil had in mind for us. I was fresh out of this extremely abusive relationship when we met and once again ready to be single forever, but we became very close and a romantic relationship seemed natural.
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5
That is until we moved in together and things began to change for the worse. Our relationship became physically violent and we came very close to breaking it off, but God had plans to prevail through it all. I think that the violence caused my husband to turn his emotions inward, so any pain or anger he felt would be directed at himself instead of me. Something changed in the balance of the relationship because of it and I once again became the leader and more dominating person.
My husband is an amazing guy. He is very kind, loving, sweet, hard-working, and very self-sacrificing. He is a huge blessing to me and I don’t know what I would do without him. Yet in those early years of our relationship, we were both unsaved and dissociative, with occult loyal alters leading us to rituals. We were in bondage to the programming set up inside of us to keep this antichrist agenda working in our lives.
I was never happy being the dominant one in the relationship, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be a good wife, but I honestly cared far more about having my way and being in control. For me, being in control meant being safe. I never felt safe, and how could I when we were so deeply entrenched in the occult?
The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Psalm 34:18
It wasn’t until after we were saved that I really started crying out to God to please help me with my anger issues. I thought my anger was the reason I couldn’t stop being cruel to my husband. I didn’t understand the complex needs I had to control and manipulate him were coming from my past abuse, and the even deeper need to follow the programming to dominate him because it kept him in power.
You can’t imagine the countless years of torture that is done to train you into these beliefs so you will carry them out no matter what. I would beg God repeatedly to help me stop being angry, stop yelling, and stop being mean, but I never could. So I just continued to work on breaking down occult ties and bondage within me, hoping that one day Jesus would free me of my anger.
I have had to sort through a great deal of trauma and programming that has kept me in bondage to try to dominate and control my husband, and I am still working through it. Some days I can be a submissive wife and others I can’t stop nasty words from coming out of my mouth. I often have to repent for disrespecting, dishonoring, etc. my husband, but I only recently realized that by continuing this path I am not only disrespecting him, but I am agreeing with the devil’s plan against my husband.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I have been so focused on feeling sorry for myself, that I never considered how my actions against my husband were fuel for the enemy over his life. The devil wants to tear down God’s plan for our lives, starting in the home. He wants women to be the leader/aggressor and men to be the submissive ones, just like in the Garden of Eden when Adam followed Eve into temptation.
The family is the foundation for all of society and has a profound influence on everything we do. God’s design is for men to be the head of the household, under Jesus Christ, and women are to be under their husbands. God’s design is perfect, whether we like it or understand it. Everything God creates is good and has purpose and meaning to it and we are to come into alignment with it otherwise we are in alignment with the occult/antichrist beast system.
Satan plans to reverse the structure of the family so that children are first, then wives, then husbands, each one working to become their own gods. Children are given free rein, and their feelings are the most important thing. Children use their feelings to manipulate the mothers, and the mothers in turn use their emotions about the children to manipulate and control the fathers. It is an ugly, vicious cycle that sweeps you up like a tornado and you never touch down.
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
I do not want to further the plan of the devil in my life, in my home, and certainly not in my children. They are the next generation and they will either be free to walk away from the occult or they will continue the legacy of abuse. When I disrespect my husband, I am teaching my children either that it’s okay for women to be the boss of the home, or that I am not worthy of respect because I treat their father poorly. Either way, I am showing them that I agree with the antichrist, not Jesus Christ.
If we are not willing to look inside ourselves and see where we are agreeing with the plan of the enemy, then we are complicit. We cannot walk around as though we are ignorant when the Bible clearly tells us to clean our hands and purify our hearts. That is an active process that requires our engagement with ourselves and with God. We cannot think that we are exempt from the consequences if we remain ignorant of the part we play. The consequences are generational, and you cannot sweep that under the rug.
I want more than anything to be who God created me to be. I refuse to continue to play the roles the devil assigned me in this life and I will keep fighting against it until I am free. No matter what the world tells me, or how my past affects me, I am not going to dominate my husband. I refuse. I am going to submit to Jesus every single day and keep repenting when I fail. There is no other option for me.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16