When your life is a blur of pain and a hunger for death, not much else matters. When you find someone who can relate to those feelings, it brings a new light into your life. Instead of being miserable alone, I found a companion who was possibly more miserable than I was. We found solace in each others, spending hours talking on the phone about our lives, our pain, our desire to end it all.
He was my first boyfriend’s best friend. I had never met him, but we became fast friends. He didn’t live close enough to me that we could visit each other, but just in the next town over. I felt so very sorry for him. He told me horror stories about the abuse he received from his grandfather. My heart ached for him. I tried my best to comfort him. Maybe in trying to comfort him I found some comfort for myself. Somehow over the course of our friendship we decided to be in a relationship.
There were times we would be on the phone that he would tell me he had a knife and was going to hurt himself. He would often talk about ending it all. We only saw each other once during our relationship, and it was two shy and awkward people who had no idea what to do. I think we just sat and held each other. I think I actually had a little sunshine in the darkness. Until my whole world turned upside down.
Months into this relationship it was revealed to me that this boy I had been bonding my heart too had another girlfriend. A girlfriend he actually saw all the time, and who was now pregnant. The news was mind-blowing. My heart began beating as fast as a little hummingbird flaps it’s wings, and I just felt sick. Lies. All lies. I had no idea what was true during all our conversations. I could not trust him, or anything he had ever said to me. For all I knew he wasn’t even depressed. I stopped talking to him and tried to put him out of my mind forever.
But I will never forget that poor boy. It was about a year later, maybe less, when he began calling me again. I was hesitant to talk to him at all. He begged me to talk to him. He said he was so depressed, that I was the only one who could understand. But I couldn’t believe him, and I told him so. He called me several times, and each time I just told him I could never trust him, never give him my time again.
Little did I know that was a decision I would regret forever. It was not long after that this boy took his own life. Suicide by gun. I was in shock when I got the news. I did not believe it was so. How could a young life really just disappear forever in the blink of an eye? It was just not possible. Except that is was. I was at his funeral in complete disbelief. It was so sad and it just sent my life even further into despair, because now I just knew it was all my fault. If I had just talked to him when he called. Maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have saved his life.
I knew after that there was no God. Because if there was something this tragic could never happen. Never. I became an atheist. You die, you get buried, and you go into the ground to rot forever. The end. Nothing else made sense to me. My dad tried to talk to me about God at that point. That is the first memory I have of him ever talking to me about God. By then I just didn’t care. It was too late, and my mind was made up. The end.
Thinking back on this today I realize that this boy’s life was not in my hands. While it is true that I may have been able to talk to him and help him, I did not hold the decision for his death in my hands. That is far beyond my control. I do not struggle with feelings of suicide any longer, nor do I wrestle with depression. I have been a miraculous gift of healing from this torment in my life.
Many people in our world do still live in a world of hurt though, and you can reach out to them. We were not made to be alone, but to live in community where we can reach out to one another, and help one another. I implore you to always reach out to those around you, whether it be for yourself or to help another. You are not alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, please get help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK.