September 25 2017

From Surviving To Thriving

survivingFor most of my life I have been just trying to survive. It’s like hanging on to the back of a speedboat that is cruising through the lake at 50 mph. Surviving is something that takes place of true living. You hunker down and wait for the storm to pass, except that it never really does. So you just keep hanging on as tight as you can, and hope that you make it through to the end.

At some point in time I got tired of surviving. I didn’t want to just survive life anymore. I wanted to be more than a conqueror through Christ. I wanted my reality to be the strength that everyone else saw in me. However, that was just too far away from my understanding of life. Moments of strength are great, but they have been so fleeting, and leave hopelessness in their wake. I needed the kind of strength that was going to allow me to let go of the speedboat, and instead walk on water.

Being a survivor of ritual abuse is a unique experience that is hard to describe. In many ways it is like someone who has been engaged in combat and comes home. You have seen war, death, destruction, and all sorts of evil. You are in a foreign country and away from reality as you have always known it. When you come home, everyone is so happy to see you. They throw a party for you and give you accolades for what you have done. Yet you just want to sit alone in a dark room, because it’s overwhelming to be at a celebration which only reminds you of pain and death.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4

You are overwhelmed because you haven’t seen joy in a long time. You don’t even know what to talk about to people who haven’t been immersed in the circumstances of war like you have. They talk about the weather and politics and school and you just stare at them, trying to focus on what their saying and not on latent memories pushing through. At the end of the party they shoot off fireworks and it’s all you can do is run, because the flashing lights and sounds of explosion send you right back into the combat zone.

No one understands why you ran. No one comprehends the level of pain and suffering you now know so intimately. They want to encourage you, but their words roll off you like water. You feel isolated and alone in the midst of a crowd. How can you explain what you feel, what you have seen, when no one even wants to hear the truth in the first place. Everyone means well, but while you have been in your own personal hell, they have been enjoying the freedom that you fought for them to have.

When you have experienced high levels of trauma for a good portion of your life, you are living in survival mode. You know no other way of being. You are on autopilot, just trying to get through every moment of every day and still breathe. Many people are living this way and have no idea that they are doing so. It becomes normal to them, just as it did for me. Before I ever realized I was a survivor, I was living in survival mode. My whole life was spent surviving, I just had no idea. It wasn’t until I was desperate enough to know the reason why I was a huge mess that I began to learn the reasons behind daily surviving.

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Survival does not equip us to thrive in unhealthy situations, nor does it help us find the truth as to why suffering has followed us wherever we go. Surviving only helps us to get one foot in front of the other. For some, this is how they will have to make it through life, because facing the obvious pain that has been staring at them for so long, is simply more than they can bare. Yet for others, surviving will be a season, not a permanent condition. They will strive to find out the truth in the answers to why things are the way they are. It is through that truth they will find freedom and healing in Jesus Christ.

I have been hanging on for what feels like a lifetime, and Jesus has given me the strength to finally let go. That speedboat has no intention of stopping, so Jesus had to talk me through the steps to let go of it, and allow Him to catch me right where I was. It was extremely hard and painful to even get to that place. Once I was able to let go, the world around me slowed down and I could once again breathe.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

Mark 4:39:41

It’s amazing when you finally come to a place where you are no longer watching your life whiz by you, wondering how to catch up. You can stop and open your eyes without the spray from the boat blinding you. You can focus on taking one step at a time towards Jesus, even though the storm is still raging on around you. The wind and the waves threaten you, and so you learn that sometimes you have to stand perfectly still while you get your bearings, and sometimes you can take that next step, always looking for Jesus.

Here I am, two years into my inner healing therapy and I have finally reached a place where I can breathe. Where I can be at peace with my circumstances and know that Jesus is my Rock and Redeemer. As much hell as I have been through these past two years, it was all worth the fight. There is nothing like the fresh air you breathe when you climb out of the pit. You get used to the stench and the muck of it, and you completely forget who you even are.

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Matthew 25:21

Yet Jesus has never left my side, not for one minute of my life. He has told me I am His, I am beautiful, I am special. Things I couldn’t believe before now give me hope. Jesus tells me He has never left me and I now know its true. Through every situation I was forced into, and every sin of my own doing, He was there. My proud Papa, who knew the core of my heart, and tells me I am good. I never could have thought I was good before. I believed I was evil, through and through. God knows the truth, about each and every one of us.

The goodness of God cannot be stopped, and His love can never be tainted. No matter what we do, and no matter what happens in this world, the love of God is an unstoppable force that will plow over the enemy every time. The only thing that keeps us from that understanding is believing his lies. If the devil can convince us that God is not who He says He is, then he has his hooks in us for as long as we allow it.

We may have all authority over the evil of this world, but until we recognize where we have allowed it in, we cannot use that authority to expel it. We will always have struggles and suffering as consequences to our choices to deny it. Jesus sees you. He sees your heart. He knows you, and He says ‘You are good.’ Who are you going to choose to believe?

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.

1 Corinthians 9:24-26

January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.

 

I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

September 12 2016

Redeeming My Life From The Pit

the pitIt has been about a year since I began my journey into inner healing. It has been quite a wild ride for me so far. When I first ventured into inner healing, I had no idea what I was even getting myself into. All I knew is that I was tired of being angry and sick and knew that God had made too many promises for me to live a life on victory to keep walking in pain. Yet I had no idea that when I begged God to help me to be better and to be closer to Him, that it would involve me walking into the deepest and darkest places of my soul. I had to come to grips with things about myself and about my life that many people will never begin to even fathom.

As I journeyed into myself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was horrified at what I found. Not only was I a child of the occult, who had participated in countless satanic rituals, but I was still connected with darkness in so many ways. On the outside I had fully pledged to give my life to Jesus Christ. I knew God and loved Him. I had seen His face and felt His presence. How could I possibly have any connection with darkness at all? I had renounced everything I had ever done wrong about a zillion times!

Yet there it was, staring me boldly in the face: I was still doing witchcraft and I had no idea. How can this be??? Well to understand why a person who is fully committed to Jesus Christ can do witchcraft and not know it, you will have to understand more about witchcraft itself. Witchcraft (which I have broken down step by step in this video) is not only about doing spells and rituals around an alter. When you get right down to what witchcraft is, it is simply using the power of the demonic inside of you paired with your intent to cause change around you.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4;16

This means all you have to do is think angry thoughts about someone, and if you have any connections with darkness, you have just done witchcraft, because those demons use that intent within you to carry it out against that person. It is really that simple and easy to do. Literally anyone can do witchcraft. The devil has tried very hard to create an image of what witchcraft is that is not the entire truth. Yes, there are people out there who identify as witches and use witchcraft as a lifestyle and religion, but that does not mean that only these witches do witchcraft.

It took me a long time to understand what witchcraft truly was. I had to go through many healing sessions in order to understand why I was still doing it, and how it all started and why I was still connected to darkness. I had to forgive myself for doing it and love myself through it. Through a lot of pain and abuse I was forced to choose witchcraft and I had a lot of hidden places inside of me that I was not consciously aware of still choosing witchcraft over God. Because I was not consciously aware of this, I was not able to disconnect those places from the darkness.

It was not until I was willing to go into theses deep and hidden places within myself that I was able to allow Jesus to show them to me. I could never have gone there on my own. These places are so filled with pain and trauma that it was not possible to even look at them without the help of God Himself. He had to walk with me and protect me in these places, so that He could bring healing to them which would allow me to disconnect from darkness.

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. 

Jeremiah 33:6

I know for some it sounds very scary and terrifying to even think that this could be reality. Not just the pain and trauma, but walking with darkness and not even knowing it. What Christian (or even non Christian really) wants to think they might be doing witchcraft and not even know it?? None! I know I certainly didn’t! But the truth is, that because I have been willing to know this truth, I have been able to find incredible freedom!!

Going into these dark places has brought me to the lowest of lows; the pit. The pit is a terrible place to be. You feel alone, lost, confused, bewildered, depressed, angry, rejected, hated, and more. When you are in the pit, you cannot see out. You can see daylight, but it’s too far away to matter to you. I am not going to lie; this past year has been like hell for me. There have been times I wanted to die. There have been times I hated God and was ready to walk away from Him. There were times when I scared my husband because he really thought I was going to harm myself and he wasn’t home.

Healing isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty. But sometimes you have to get to the lowest of lows in order to start climbing back to the heights again. I lost my deep sense of connection with God. I lost myself. But how can you not loose everything when your whole world is shaken? The very core of who I thought I was, was torn asunder. I was left with nothing. Nothing but the Rock on which I stand. It is that Rock which has carried me through, even when I didn’t care to hear His name, because the pain was more than I could possibly bear.

He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure.

Psalm 40:2

Every healing journey will be different. Every person’s life and past is different. But there is one thing that is always the same: our human emotions. And they will always threaten to take over and bring us to places we don’t think we can ever handle. But we will, if we have already built a foundation on Jesus Christ. No matter what we go through or walk into, Jesus Christ will redeem us from it. Always.

During the past year as I fell deep into the pit, so did everything around me. My relationships, my house, my body. I gained a lot of weight, my house was always a mess, I could barely cook a decent meal and for a time we basically lived on fast food and frozen meals. I hated myself for it too. It was my job to clean and cook and take care of the house and I couldn’t even do that. Some days all I could do was just keep breathing and stay alive. It really was that difficult.

Yet here I sit today, on a Monday of all days, writing about the immense hope and joy God has given me through this process. I am nowhere near done, but I am so very thankful for where I am. Mondays have been the worst day of every week for several months. I have had the most spiritual attack on Mondays because of my blog, and it has come from several sources that are very powerful. Monday has been a day where I barely make it through the day because I am so overwhelmed by the attack against me. The curse is over my friends, and now I sit rejoicing!

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us

Romans 5:3-5

Last Monday was the third Monday in a row that I felt good. I mean really good. I decided to start on the housework that had been neglected for a very long time. As I was scrubbing my shower that was so moldy it was black around the bottom, I was praising God and rejoicing. I felt amazing that I was cleaning this disgusting mold up, because three weeks prior, I wouldn’t even have been able to even consider cleaning the shower. I would have looked at it and felt shame and self hatred.

Yet there I was, working my butt off and loving it! It felt so good! In the past two weeks I have started working on getting healthier and getting organized. I am starting to loose some weight and exercise and clean and I am feeling so thankful for it. I am not saying I feel great every day, or that I am even back to where I was before I started all of this, because I am not. But the days of the pit are over, and I pray that I will not go back.

Recently I was reading the book ‘School of Prophets’ by Kris Valloton, a really amazing book, and I came to a really important revelation. I want to walk in the call God has for me, and I want to help people. I want to be able to maybe speak to groups of people and pray for them and write a book someday and do so much more with my ministry. I have been very upset that my ministry seems to small and unimportant in the scope of the big picture of things. I have actually been angry and sad about it. In this book there is a “Core Values Assessment Test” and as I read through the questions, it as like a smack in the face. I have so far left to go on my healing journey.

woods-768753_1920I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. If I want to walk in the call God has given me, if I want to reach the full potential that He has created in me, and if I want to do the amazing things He has shown me are possible, then I need to keep doing the work. And even though I have been in the pit, and have been so broken and lost, God has still used me. What an incredible miracle! God has such grace upon His children. Because I have been willing to walk out my healing and surrender to His love, He has been growing my ministry and using me in incredible ways. I am so very thankful for that.

So for today, I am going to focus on today. I am not going to focus on wondering what my future holds, or what my next healing session holds, but instead I will focus on getting better today, loving my family today, and living with Jesus today. I know that healing can seem terrifying and maybe like too much work. But today, I invite you to let go of all of your fears and anxieties and give them to God, your Father. He cares so much for you. He knows the struggles you have and why, and all He wants is to bring you to the person He created you to be.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

This world has molded and shaped you into it’s own liking, and has caused you to fall so far from the glory of God in your life. It’s not just about our sin, but about our willingness to go inside ourselves and see where we need healing and reshaping by the very hands of God. Jesus knows you already, and knows all the dark places inside of you. He does not hate you or look down on you for them. Even if it turns out you are connected with darkness and doing witchcraft. He doesn’t care about that: He cares about your heart and He cares about you. He loves you and He wants the best for you: being who He created you to be.

There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. There is only love, grace and mercy. That is my testimony. The love of God will set you free, if only you are willing to choose it, and love Him more than yourself. If you refuse to look into those dark places (with His help) and walk into healing with Him, then you are choosing yourself over God. Wanting to stay in denial is not going to help you, but only cause you, and those you love more harm. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Let Him bring you freedom, and life! No it will not be easy. No it will not always feel good. Yes it takes a lot of work and time, but each and every one of us needs to go there.

If you are in the pit today, take heart that there is hope for you! The pit is only a temporary place, no matter what it feels like right now. Jesus Christ is our hope and glory and if you keep giving your life and yourself over to Him, you will be redeemed. He has promised this. If you know there is more for you in this life, yet no matter what you have done it is still just out of arm’s reach; then know that this is a sign for you. It is your turn beloved. It is your time to walk into healing with Jesus Christ.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5

August 15 2016

A Day In The Life Of An Occult Survivor

occult survivor

It is Monday morning. The kids are out of school for the summer, so I do not have an alarm set. I open my eyes and it’s already after 8. I can barely see as I am so exhausted and don’t feel like I can pull myself out of bed. I have already slept 8 hours, but instead of feeling rested I feel like I have been beat up all night long. I close my eyes for just a moment and when I open them again it’s after 9. I jump out of bed, consumed with guilt because my two youngest sons will already be up. I drag myself down stairs to find them watching a show on the Roku.

They are not the least bit upset I slept in. For them it means more TV time. I grab my usual quart of water and sit on the couch with them. I stare mindlessly at the television. I hate every single show they opt to watch, because I can see how the occult leaks in to everything. It drives me crazy. Yet I know I can’t hide them from it, and frankly, I am already feeling like hell. I have no alternative to offer my children at this moment. I try not to spend time telling myself what a terrible mother I am and focus on surviving the day.

Monday is the day my new blog posts come out. By revelation of the Lord, I know the extreme attack that is coming at me as I walk in the call God has placed on my life. There are many groups of people that want me to stop this blog. I have astral rituals and witchcraft coming at me all day long. The fact that I was born into the occult does not help the attack, because it leaves me more susceptible to feeling it’s affects than others. You cannot just walk away from the occult and be free from it. They never stop coming after you, and because I know all their secrets, I am dangerous.

After I have my coffee I am still not feeling any better. My head feels like it is in a fog. I can’t think straight and my emotions are like a roller coaster. I sway from sad to angry to unhinged. Today I am feeling the effects of processing my reality. The reality that I grew up in the occult and was terribly abused, but was unable to remember until Jesus Christ showed me is a haunting fact. It is painful. It is unreal at times. It is horrifying. It is my life.

Many people cannot fully comprehend what an occult survivor goes through on a daily basis. They cannot fathom the spiritual aspects of the life that a survivor has to live through. Especially when your family is the one that brought you in to the occult, which is what happens in most cases. It can be extremely lonely. People are always well meaning, but the fact is the damage that runs through a soul broken by this level of abuse is incomprehensible. Even to me.

I remind myself I need to pray against witchcraft and try to connect with God. It is difficult because my brain feels like it’s been lost at sea. I am trying to navigate through a storm without a map or compass. I pray and pray and try to fend off the attack I was vulnerable too in the night, and try to find a center on God. On this particular day, it is nearly impossible. I love God with all my heart, but the enormity of the attack, combined with the overwhelming pain of my life, is more than I can bear at all. It’s like torment on my soul.

I am determined to make the best of my day though. I eat breakfast and get dressed so I can take the kids to an indoor playground. There is a cafe there, so I bring a coloring book with me. Doing things that can help engage my left brain are supposed to bring me out of a place of emotional trauma. There are many things in my life that are what are called trauma triggers. That is, something that reminds a person of the trauma from their past and causes an upheaval of emotional pain and torment.

Trauma triggers can happen anywhere and anytime. It can be as simple as seeing a cartoon  of Paul the Apostle chained in a dungeon. Before I know it I feel upset and unstable at a little innocent cartoon that should have nothing to do with causing me pain. But it does. Because at one time, that was me. It can also be something like almost running over a cat that ran out in the road. It should be a little upsetting at best, but for me it causes  me hyperventilate. Because for me, seeing death come to innocent life is very real.

At the playground the kids are having a blast. I am so thankful for the peace I have while coloring, even in a place filled with the noise of playing children. I am still not together though. I have been stumbling through the day and have made one mistake after another. Things like forgetting to pick up my son from his math tutor (I was only 15 minutes late thankfully!) or throwing away the cap to the creamer. It may seem like little things, but they happen all day long. A sign that my brain is not able to engage.

The microwave in the cafe frequently beeps in a surprisingly loud tone that startles me every time. I am so on edge already that the noise causes me to want to rise up and scream ‘shut up!’, but I am able to contain myself. The grace of God saves me in a lot of instances, but not always. Sometimes I am living in a place of emotional trauma, even though there is none obvious before me. And because of this I take it out of my loved ones. The part of me that is living in trauma cannot separate the past reality of abuse from my current reality, and I react to little things like my children talking back by screaming at them. It’s a survival instinct at that point.

When you spend years of your life with no control over what is being done to you, you begin to have control issues. Add in the fact that what is being done to you in heinous torture that I would not describe her, and you have the making of crazy really. I should be in a psychiatric hospital knowing what I know, but God is so good. He is helping me to live even in the midst of all this pain and helping me to find purpose in the trauma. I could be dealing with horrible flashbacks that send me into a corner crying, but God in His mercy protects me in so many ways.

After a few hours the kids are finally ready to leave. My 8 year old is very upset by some things that have happened, and I am able to calmly talk to him about it. I am not sure how much it actually helps him, but I feel the grace of God around me. I feel like it’s one small victory in a day full of failures. I feel so ashamed of the kind of mother I am, but I feel helpless to be the kind of mother I imagine I should be. It is actually a miracle that I even had children, because of the abuse that was done to me should have stripped that possibility from my life.

When we get home I know that either I talk to the person who helps me with my inner healing, or I completely loose my sanity and potentially hurt someone. I am so far emotionally gone that it scares me. Over the phone we talk and pray and I talk to the Lord about what is going on and what has caused such intense trauma in me. It turns out there has been a vicious spiritual attack reaming me since the night before. I do the work to release myself from the torment and immediately feel the pressure ease up. I take some ibuprofen for my pounding head and within an hour feel half way decent.

Spiritual attack is indeed the norm for most Christians, but when you have lived a life in the occult, you come to understand attack on a whole new level. The devil will always have his schemes, but for someone who has been inducted into darkness, the attack rarely lets up. It’s not just attack because you naturally have an enemy: it’s also attack because the devil has already had you in his camp and isn’t ready to just let you go. He wants you to believe you can never get away.

The devil is a liar, but there is also some truth to this threat. He is not going to stop coming after me just because I am gaining freedom from what he has done to me. He wants to stop me from doing exactly what I am doing: writing the simple truth about my life. Because through my life Jesus Christ has worked a miracle to bring me freedom. Where there was no hope, Jesus saw otherwise. The devil did a good job holding me captive for a long time. But I am an adult now, and can choose freely for myself.

Being an occult survivor means control. You have never had any control over your life. Others have had control over you, and have made sure to scar you to the point where you are to afraid to try to take much control for yourself. Instead you live out of what you know: and what you know is the occult and the trauma that is have bound you too. Yet Jesus sees past all that. He sees past someone fighting with witchcraft and hate and gives you the choice. Love. Love is something I have never really known until I met Jesus Christ. He is my salvation.

Every day is a struggle for me to balance who I am with who I was told I will always be. Between God’s truth and the devils lies that were planted in me. And every day I do my best to choose God, because I know He is the only one that has been there with me, through all the hard and painful times of my life. Whether I knew He was there or not, He was always there. Some days I am swallowed up in pain from the reality of my life, and some days I am able to find strength and joy in the midst of it.

Not matter what I will continue to walk down this healing path. Because with out it I have nothing. I can’t go back to what I had before: a life of pain and suffering for no apparent reason. Before I knew Jesus Christ, and before I started inner healing, my life was the same: I felt like hell, I had a hard time functioning, and I flew of the handle easily. I took it for granted that this was just normal life for so many years that it wasn’t until I met Jesus Christ that I realized this was definitely not normal.

hopeIf I stop now I can never expect to move forward in my life. I would be stuck in limbo: halfway into healing and never progressing. I want more of Jesus Christ in me and in my life. It is a constant battle, accepting the reality of my life, and trying my best to fight for my freedom daily. To believe that Jesus is near when I feel like I’m drowning, and to pursuing healing even though it opens up deep wounds.

Some people will never understand why I am doing inner healing, and some people will never understand the depths of the struggle my life is. No matter the cost I have found one thing to be true: Jesus Christ is worth it all. I am not whining or complaining about my life, but inviting you in with one simple goal; to bring you hope. If I can face my past, my fears, my pain, my trauma, and come out on the other side as the victor, than so can you.

My life is not exactly like yours, but it’s not quite so different either. The devil has a vendetta against us all. And we can continue to walk through life with our heads bowed down and make the best of what we have, or we can take the chance to look up and see the One who loves us more than we can ever dare to imagine. It is through that love that we will truly find our lives. Not the lives we think we have been handed or the lives we believe we have made; but the lives God has died and for for us to have.

Every life is worth living, no matter the struggle or the battle. It just comes down to one thing; will you love your life unto death, so that Jesus can bring you resurrection from it? It is a choice with great consequences, but even far greater rewards.

 

March 21 2016

Joy Of The Lord

joy of the Lord

Joy of the Lord is something that has been elusive to me as of late. As I have been going through my journey of inner healing, I have been receiving revelation from the Holy Spirit about severe and extreme abuse that I have endured from the hands of those that loved me most: My parents, grandmother and my “family” at the Mormon church I grew up in. This has been a devastating blow to me, because I have suppressed this for most of my life. The abuse was satanic in nature. It was ritualistic. It was pure evil. I have gone on a roller coaster of emotions as I have began to remember these horrifying events. Emotions ranging from betrayal, rage, anger, pain, hate, despair, depression, suicidal, and despondent. Joy was never one of them. Joy was something that I saw as being part of my past. I could look back and remember times where I had so much joy in the Lord, I was literally high, as if on drugs. It just drew me deeper into depression to think about those times, because now they were a far away memory.

How can a person even connect with the joy of the Lord when they believe their entire life has been a lie? How can one even begin to think about joy in the Lord when they have a part of them that believes God is the one who abused them? Or abandoned them to be abused? So I fell further and further into depression, not even connecting with hope. I knew hope was out there for me, but I could not see it at the point. I was so low, my friends began to get worried about me and wondered if this whole inner healing thing was a good idea.

I can imagine how hard it is for those that care about me, to see me so depressed when I have previously been such a passionate warrior for the Lord. It seems cruel even, to think that God would take a joyous woman and tear her down by bringing her into these memories of evil and pain. Yet the truth is, I have lived my entire life in pain. I cannot remember one moment of my life, prior to my walk with God, where I was not filled with pain. You see, the enemy knew what my call in this life was, before I was even born. He could see it in the store house that God has for each one of us. He knew that if I were able to walk in the call God had for me, that I would be a vicious weapon against His kingdom. And he wanted to turn that weapon against him, into a weapon against God. Because how much better would it be, not only to stop me from my call from God, but to turn it around and use it for his purposes instead?

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

I have to admit, it was a bit of a struggle for me to even think that God had called me out for a purpose. I mean me? Little old housewife me? What could I do? Why would God choose me for anything? It really sounded like something to good to be true. Yes, God calls out the weak and builds them up in His strength, but not me. No, I am just a mess, a nobody, a loser and a freak with a horror story past. What can I ever do? Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt completely worthless and helpless to carry out anything of value for the Kingdom of God? Well you are not alone. I guarantee you, many of the people who are reading this have felt the same way, time and time again.

This is the device of the devil. He is your enemy. He hates you. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word. He despises you. He wants to destroy you, but even better, he wants to use you for his work. If he can succeed at using you, a child of God, for his purposes, for his evil; well he has just accomplished a miracle. That is, a miracle in his eyes. Yes, the devil will perform many false signs and wonders to bring the children of God into the kingdom of the Anti-Christ. I actually think it is pretty funny though. I mean, look at me. I am a miracle. I was beaten down and torn away from the very bosom of God the Father and believed He hated me and was evil. Yet here I am, rejoicing in a saving relationship with Jesus Christ! I am testifying to His miracles daily, and spreading the word of hope to all who hear me. How do you like that, devil?

Believe me, I am not more special than you are. I am not more anointed or connected or called out than you are. As a matter of fact, you are very special, and very well loved by the King, God Most High. Take a minute to let that resonate, deep within your soul. “I am a son/daughter of God Most High.” Breathe it in. Feel His presence. Feel His love wrap around you in this very moment. He is love, and He loves you. Let that love envelope you completely, and overwhelm you. It’s OK. He is waiting.

But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
 with those who keep his covenant
    and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103:17-18

In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon recognizes there is a time for everything, a season in which things must happen. A time to mourn, and a time to heal. I have been in the season of mourning and a season of healing. I have not enjoyed it, but it has been necessary. I have had to open up the pit that contained an ocean of pain, and take it head on. Yet I did not take it on alone. I had Jesus by my side, guiding me and healing me, each step of the way. I have had His strength to carry me through to do this job. Because healing is a job, a very hard job. I was willing to face this monumental task, as difficult as it was, and go to places that the devil meant me never to go. In the process I have unleashed the power of God to work miracles in my soul and spirit. I am still in the midst of it, but I do not regret it.

Oh there was a time I regretted it sincerely. Who wants to be in the middle of a painful healing process? Yet when has healing every been pain free? If you have ever been injured or had a surgery, you know what I mean. Healing hurts. Sometimes things in life hurt in order to get to the best part. Look at Jesus. He had to go through pain, suffering, torture, and hell, in order to spare us from it ourselves. Yes, we may still have pain and suffering in our lives, but we will never have to go to hell for it. We have the free gift of salvation, and eternity with Christ, because He was willing to go through the pain on our behalf. Do you think you can endure even a tiny fraction of that, in order to heal? Well you don’t have too. Because if you choose to step out in faith onto the healing path, Jesus is going to be right there with you, enduring the brunt of it all in your place. How amazing is that?

towerI do not want to see the devil win in your life anymore. As a matter of fact, I am excited at the prospect of war. What?! Excited? Yes! I am truly excited for you. Why? Because God has called you out, by name, to kick the devil in the butt! Yes you! Oh I hear your sighs of “I can’t do it” my Gideon-like friends. That is why I am here, to be your cheerleader! God’s love for you is too strong, and it will not be overcome by the devil. Ever. He is your safe place, your home, your mighty Rock and Fortress, you Strong Tower. Come to this safe haven He has set aside, just for you and He, and just relax in the safety of His presence. Just for this moment right now.

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

They feast on the abundance of your house;

you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light.

Psalm 36:7-9

The devil will not win, nor prosper over your life, but you have to make a choice. A choice to choose life, and choose freedom. You have walked this path for a long time, and have forgotten you had a choice. You have been in this place of longing and fear for many years now, but it is not a place God has chosen for you. You came there because it felt safe, but in reality it was just another trap the enemy set for you. This is not your home. You are here on assignment, but you have forgotten your call. That is OK, because God will happily remind you of it, if you only ask. Do not fear, beloved. He is near, forever and always. Do not let the devil whisper in your ear anymore, but realize now, the time has come to fight. Remember, mighty warrior, God has called you out.