January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.

 

I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

June 6 2016

Surrendering To Pain

painToday I feel like a outpatient that has just gone through major surgery. On the outside I may appear normal (although I am doubtful of that), but on the inside I have just gone under the microscope and had tumors removed from my soul by the hand of Jesus Christ. That may sound like a strange phenomena, but that is exactly what I go through, every week. Some weeks the surgery is fairly easy and I get out with a short recovery time. and little pain. Other weeks I need to be quiet and rest, letting the procedure take hold in the depths of who I am. Recovery takes longer because the pain was more intense.

What is this surgery you ask, and how can it possibly be good for me? Well these weekly procedures are what I like to call “inner healing“. I started my journey into inner healing last spring. It actually started with just a wonderful Biblical prayer counselor, but then that abruptly ended because God had bigger plans for my healing. The Biblical prayer counseling helped me to get an understanding of the anger I had been dealing with for my whole life. What I learned is that anger, as well as anxiety, fear, bitterness, depression, and other related feelings, are a secondary emotion to pain. Pain is the root of all feelings outside of the love and joy God has created us to have.

Pain is a sneaky little thing really. It always seems to hit you out of nowhere, blindsiding you and then leaving a mess in the wake of it. You are left looking around you wondering what happened and how did you end up on the floor? Most of the time when pain comes we are so unprepared we have no idea how to deal with it. It is a very messy and ugly feeling, and makes us feel powerless and ashamed of our weakness. Yet instead of reaching out to Jesus, the conqueror of death and hell, we usually shove that pain right back in where it came from, so we can just try to get back up and move on with life. What we don’t realize is that pain comes for a reason, and no matter how bad it feels, Jesus will still work it for our good, if we just allow Him to do so.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

What really is the point of pain, you might ask. Pain is a place to meet the grace and love of God. It is a place where the enemy works very hard to get you, because he believes it is in that place he can destroy you. That is not the point of view God takes, however. God sees us in the midst of this pain, and He sees a sweet and beloved child who needs Him desperately. Yet when He begins to reach down to lend a hand out of the pit, we ignore it in favor of climbing out on our own. We need to feel self-sufficient and capable because the world tells us that we are worthless otherwise. Only the weak and pathetic sit in pain, the devil tells us. Wrong. It takes immense strength and resilience to sit in the pain and call on the name of Jesus to bring healing to it.

When I first started my inner healing sessions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was surrendering to God’s will, but I had no idea He was about to uncover a mass of memories that had been suppressed for my entire life. He started off small, letting me learn more about who I am in Christ. He also started to reveal places of pain that I was already aware of, yet had tried to suppress. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t that difficult either. Really, I was just dipping my toes into tepid water at that point.

The real difficulty came just a couple of months in. The sessions always start of with prayer, and giving everything over to the will of the Holy Spirit to do what He knows needs to be done. Every person can handle what they can, and God knows what those things are. God had been building me up in strength for a very long time, I just had no idea. I had finally come to this place in time where the healing could begin. The funny thing is, healing never feels like healing. It feels like when you break a bone and it heals incorrectly, then it has to be broken again to heal correctly. Pain upon pain. Then you have the time it takes to wait for the complete healing and restoration of the bone. It takes time, patience and effort on your part to take care of yourself through the healing process. Sounds like a blast right? Of course not. But joy will still abound, when you rest in the faith of Jesus Christ.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

When the memories come, they often come in slowly, one thing at a time. I am in a darkened room. It is a small room, with no windows. It is cold and lifeless and scary, lit by candles. There are three men in black robes, and my grandmother. I am chained to the wall. I am only about 2 years old. I am scared out of my mind. Why would my grandmother bring me to this awful place? At this point, I did not even know where I actually was, which was at the Mormon church. Over time I would be very familiar with this room.

The men are chanting. They are calling upon evil spirits, and channeling them. I am being molested by my own grandmother. It is terrifying to me. Yet it is not the first time she has molested me, I just don’t remember it at that time. The men are calling upon spirits of evil because they want to channel them into me. The sexual stimulation is for the purpose of filling me with fear and pain, so that I will be open to receive what they have to offer. I can see what is happening around me, yet I can hardly comprehend.

It was very hard to see this memory, as I had no idea, and I mean no idea, that I had ever experienced anything of this nature in my life. I am in shock as the Holy Spirit recalls it to my memory, piece by piece. Yet it is real. How can it be. How? Yet there is some hope in the memory. Before the man who has channeled the demon can summon it upon me, a strong gust of wind blows through the room. It is an impossible wind, in a room with no windows. Yet it blows so fiercely that the candles go out and the man is knocked to the ground. The demon spirit is chased away by the power of it. It was the Holy Spirit. The men are filled with fear, and my grandmother is enraged. The spirit is gone and will not come back this time, so the ritual must end. For now.

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:6-7

The man scrambles off the floor as another relights the candles. I don’t understand what is happening, but I do know the presence of God when I feel it. I had already been in communication with God; already had talked with Him personally even at this tender young age. For some all this sounds impossible, and improbable. I wish it was. Yet in this world the devil has a foothold so deep that he has convinced us that he does not even exist. I am not alone in these experiences. There are many just like me. Yet they do not remember. They cannot remember. To remember without the Holy Spirit is virtually impossible, and to attempt to do so could send someone to insanity.

It is extremely dangerous to attempt to recover any memories of abuse without the help of God. He has to be the one to reveal them when He knows you are ready. Once He reveals them He shows you how they affected your beliefs and the way you see God and the world. He then removes the impact of what has been done to your soul through the moments He shows you. He brings you healing and begins to redeem what was bad, trading it for something good. This could never be done without God. The part He plays in this is vital and essential.

This was the first ritual I that I become aware of. It is like a horror movie has come true, and I am the star. Yet the fact that I feel it is unreal and a horror movie speaks volumes about what this experience has taught me. It has taught me that the world is evil, nowhere is safe, the devil has control, and more things of that nature. Yet I still hung on to the hope of God in that moment. I still clung to Him desperately. That would change eventually though, as they realized the power of God that was already inside of me.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

child-running-1082102_1920I do not think I am special. I do not think my experiences or abuse is worse than anyone else. Abuse in itself is traumatic and rips apart the fabric of your soul, no matter what the abuse is. It is evil in its nature, and it’s intent is to tear you down, so the devil can build you back up, just as he wants you to be. Weak, afraid, and susceptible to his viewpoints of life. That is why it is imperative to follow Jesus into the pain. The pain wants to control us and hold us down, but God wants to use it to teach us, to empower us, to strengthen us, and to build us in our identity in Christ. I have not wanted to know these bad things that have happened to me. Not once. They only get worse from here, every single time.

Yet I have continued for 9 months, and I have no idea when I’ll be done. Do I consider myself strong? Not by a long shot. But because I have trusted in God, even just a tiny bit, I have been willing to walk through this with Him. His mighty right hand has uplifted me, and strengthened me, just enough to get through each day. I have wanted to die. I have begged God to take me home, because I am done with this life. It has been harsh, cruel, and a living hell. But God says He wants me here, if I can just keep hanging on. He has promised to redeem it all, and give me something beautiful in return. I honestly have no idea how that is possible, but I have heard that nothing is impossible with God. So I chose to remind myself of that promise, even if it is hard to believe. So far He has been faithful and True to His word to me. So I keep fighting the good fight.

And you can too. I know you are not me, but you are here because you know you have pain and you know you are hiding from it. So I just want to give you encouraging words. If I can do this, I am most certain you can, because Jesus can. And if Jesus can, anyone who trusts in Him can. Do you trust Him, even just a tiny bit? Ok. Then my beautiful sweet friend, you can.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

May 9 2016

Don’t Retreat From God’s Will

retreatHave you ever been in a situation that was 100% out of your comfort zone? Where you feel like you just don’t belong and either you aren’t ready or aren’t qualified? It seems that God has me in these types of situations often, as I am willing to keep surrendering my will to His. And no matter how upset I get about the leadings I feel tugging my heart, I still keep surrendering to His will. Upset may not be the right word. Often times I get down right angry about where I feel the Holy Spirit directing me. It seems like pure madness sometimes! Yet I somehow am able to continue to trust in God, even though there are still parts of my relationship with Him that are so broken.

This past weekend was another one of those times where I was 100% out of my comfort zone. I went to my church women’s retreat. Now I know to some that may sound odd that I was uncomfortable at a women’s retreat; a place where women are supposed to relax and rejuvenate; but this is not the case for me. First of all, I am a home body. I love to be with my family and sleep in my own bed, where my husband is. Not to mention my adorable puppy who is so sweet to me. Second of all, I am going through a very difficult time. Last summer I began a journey of healing where I began to uncover memories of satanic ritual abuse in my childhood. This has absolutely shaken my world to the core. I am going through healing sessions on a weekly basis. I am recovering new memories pretty often still. It has been rough, to say the least.

It is hard to explain really how hard this has been on me. And when I explain these things, it is without intention for people to feel sorry for me. Quite the opposite. Instead I would prefer that people understand the truth about satanic ritual abuse and how real it is in our world today. On a weekly basis I struggle often to do the basics that a wife and mother should do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I have gone through a period of at least 2 months where I just could not cook. And I previously loved to cook and bake. The house was becoming a disaster and the laundry has been sitting in baskets in the living room. Pretty embarrassing if someone happened to drop by. I expect more of myself obviously, being that it is basically my job.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Thank God for a husband that is so understanding and helpful. He does not complain about a messy house or eating frozen lasagna and things like that for dinner all week-long. Nor does he complain that I stopped making his lunches and healthy snacks for him to take to work. I feel awful of course, but I have finally gotten to the point where I am as OK with it as I am going to be. I mean, rightfully I should be in the corner drooling after learning the things I have about my abuse. It is horrific to say the least, yet here I am, still functioning at all. I guess it is a miracle, really.

So back to the retreat. I really never had the intention of going. Like I said, I am a home body. I would prefer to go away for the weekend with my husband to be honest. My husband is my safe place, and getting away with him would be amazing. But I digress. The retreat had two big things going for it that really drew me in. Worship and food. What women would not enjoy a weekend of no meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking? Lovely! And worship, well that is where my heart is. Right in the hands of God the Father, adoring Him and basking in His presence. I knew the worship leader and knew the worship would be awesome! After much prayer I knew it was God’s will, even though I really, really did not want to go. I actually cried and whined many times leading up to the day. Yes I did.

I decided to put on my big girl panties on and go though, taking a new friend I met in a support group. We hadn’t known each other long, but I was excited for her to experience God that weekend. I was very nervous because not only do I prefer to be at home, but also I really struggle with people lately. Especially church people. To be fair, all of my abuse happened at church. It was a Mormon church, but try explaining to a young child that a Mormon church is not a real church. You can’t. That was my life, and church was Christian to me. It was where God was, and God was who left me to be abused by church people.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

So while I completely recognize that the people at my church are not abusing me, I also understand that there is a little girl inside of me who feels that church people are evil and hurt you. It is a part of my healing journey. So it was hard to feel safe around people, especially when I already feel the other moms my age have rejected me completely. Not to say they are rude to me, but I guess standoffish would be a better word. Certainly never warm and inviting. And for someone like me, who is trying to cope with the thoughts and beliefs that have grown out of abuse, it is particularly hard. I know they can’t understand where I am coming from, yet that little girl is very, very hurt nonetheless.

I have to say, I am a sharer. I have no qualms about being open and sharing my self and my life, especially when it comes to what God has done. So when our cabin had cabin time, I was open and shared some of what I have been going through. It was difficult and painful for me, yet I did it because I knew it was right. Somehow though during that first evening I was triggered and started on a downward spiral that went into the next day.

A trigger according to psychcentral.com “is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.” I have these at least a few times a month, and I never know when one is going to pop up, or what might set it off. People cannot understand what it is and why it happens, so I have never attempted to explain it to anyone. I am not even sure what triggered me that night, because there was so much going on, I was really overwhelmed. It could have just been me sharing with a group of strangers and triggering a feeling of being unsafe. Whatever it was, I was in a bad state that went to worse, and by noon the next day I was on the porch of the building I was staying in, rocking like mad in a rocking chair, playing worship music to try to not completely lose it.

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

Psalm 91:4-6

A friend asked me to take a walk and I had to decline. I was shaking and everything inside of me was freaking out. I mean I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Apparently I kept it together pretty well, because no one noticed anything amiss. God is that good. I was able to talk on the phone (another miracle, because the cell service was terrible!) to the person I do inner healing with. She was able to walk me through, with the help of Jesus, into a place where I could heal some trauma and get into a stable place. I was really thinking I was going to have to go home. Yet I actually did not want to. At this place I had really felt the presence of God. Even just sitting out on the rocking chair with the wind blowing, I could feel the Holy Spirit stirring me and speaking clearly to me. I wanted more of that.

It has been a long time since I felt that close to God. Part of my abuse is being told God had abandoned me and Jesus was abusing me. So I have gone through a time of being extremely hurt and angry with God. I am healing that and it’s getting better. So I was relishing it the moments of feeling Him so closely during this retreat. It was absolutely wonderful. We had 5 different worship sessions! I was ecstatic! It was so moving and so wonderful. It was what got me through the weekend.

I did met some very lovely ladies at the retreat. I did have some great learning moments from the speaker as well. Yet by the time I got home I was on overload. Emotionally and spiritually I was at rock bottom. On a spiritual level there was so much witchcraft coming at me I got to the point where I stopped being able to discern it. Witchcraft is a very real part of my life, because as I have been separating myself from it (its from the satanic rituals I was in as a child) I am learning so much more about it. It is everywhere. No place is exempt, least of all Christian places. People do it and they often have no idea. That does not make them bad or evil, it just means they do not know. I am learning to distinguish it and protect myself from it everywhere I go. But that is another story.

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

John 7:24

Coming home was a wonderful relief. I have to say, I was absolutely kicking myself for going though. Part of me did not feel that it was worth it to be on complete overload. The other part of me enjoyed not taking care of the house and kids, and eating great food and worshiping. That brings me back to the will of God. Did God know that the weekend was going to be difficult for me? Yes. Did He know that I was going to be triggered, or be overloaded spiritually? Yes. God knew all these things. Yet He also knew that I would spend two hours worshiping Him through art, or that I would connect with some lovely ladies that made me feel very special. And God uses all things for our good, even bad things. So He was able to use the trigger I had over the weekend to bring me more healing in my session just a few days later. He is a worker of miracles, which all stem from His love. Nothing is too big for our Daddy. He knew what I could handle, and He led me there. I as unsure, but I trusted in Him anyway. It was difficult, but I made it through, and stronger in some ways I am sure.

artretreatAs a matter of fact, this weekend has taught me a lot about setting boundaries. I have realized it is OK to say no to people, or groups, because sometimes saying no is for your own health (emotional, spiritual or otherwise). It is OK to take a break from church related activities, or even church itself, because church does not make you Christian. Following Jesus makes you Christian. And sometimes Jesus leads you to those uncomfortable places that fall far away from what you think your life should look like. As long as you are willing to listen, and to follow, He will get you through it, and bring good out of it too. He is just that good.

My prayer for you is that you would be willing to surrender to God’s will in your life right now. I know He is asking you to do something that is far too hard for you to do. But no matter what it is, He is not going to leave you alone in it. He is going to walk with you through it, and see that it works for your good. You just have to be willing; you don’t have to even be brave. Look at me: I was a total whiner and God did not even mind one bit! Life is a new adventure waiting for you, if you will just surrender it to Jesus Christ. He is the One that will take you to places you never dreamed were possible, and He will use them to train you to help others go there too. Bless you!

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:10

March 13 2016

The Ex Witch And The Occult Connection

  • ex witchWhen I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ, I as an ex witch. I had not, to my knowledge, been actively participating in witchcraft anymore. I did believe in the paganism ideologies of oneness with the universe, higher self realization, many gods and goddesses, and much more however. I acknowledged the witch holy days such as Winter Solstice and Ostara, and I had many idols around the house in tribute to gods and goddesses. I also had books on the occult and new age beliefs I held, that I read still.

I was very willing to repent of all of these things once I gave my life to Christ. I believed with all my heart that God was the One True Living God and Creator of everything. I got rid of the books and idols, etc. as the Holy Spirit moved me too. I started learning more about how the beliefs I held were false, and contradictory to God’s Word. I was willing of absolutely all of it, because I had found true unconditional love  and hope for the first time in my life. That alone was worth far more than all the trash I had in my life.

The Holy Spirit made many, many changes in my life. I had lived a very wordly and sinful life up until that point. He moved me to do a 180 turnaround and was forming me into a new creation. It was a beautiful thing, and I could just feel the Spirit radiating from within me, as I continued to be obedient to His leadings. Yet as I continued to change I noticed that there were things that still plagued me. I had anger issues that were borderline rage. I had health problems that would not be healed no matter what I would do. I had depression that seemed to be healed after a life of it, then would creep back in as suicidal thoughts. I began to learn about demons and spiritual attack. I became desperate to experience true freedom in Christ. Yet it became illusive to me.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12

Every time I would seek out help, prayer and deliverance I would have to tell about my past involvement with witchcraft. Each time I would willingly repent of it, desperate to just be free of it, if that was what was holding on to me. I could literally hear the devil speaking in my head, telling me he would never let me go. I was desperately afraid that this was indeed truth. With everything that plagued me, it seemed very true.

Finally I had a deliverance session that would forever change my life. I gained a lot of information through this deliverance session about generational curses and blood covenants that were made, but I had no idea what that meant. I had no idea the truth about witchcraft and it’s affects on ones life, even though I had been right in the middle of it. In these past few months I have come to learn more about witchcraft and what it does and it has blown my reality away. I thought I knew about magic. I had no idea.

When you are in the occult – practicing any form of witchcraft; you are opening a door to the demonic. This door allows and gives rights to demons (the minions of the devil) to you and your soul. Your soul is your mind, emotions and will. So in essence practicing witchcraft is turning over your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings and your free will to the devil. This usually comes in stages and progresses as it goes. In most cases a person never fully gives themselves over to the devil the first time.

It is very easy to believe that once you have been saved by Jesus Christ and have repented of your sin of witchcraft, that you are free of it. But this is not true. Witchcraft is a very sneaky thing, much like the devil. You see, the devil is not going to waste his time playing around as a child with toys. He is very clever and divisive in his ways. He wants to make sure that when we open a door into his realm, we cannot easily get out. Like a maze. You walk in and think you will quickly find the exit, but find yourself wandering for so long you loose track of time. This is what witchcraft is like. Once you are in, you do not just walk out.

We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

1 John 5:9

When a person does witchcraft (and this includes every form of witchcraft there is, even as “little” as yoga or Ouija boards), they open the door. Then each time they do witchcraft they are inviting in demon spirits. Each spirit brings something in with it to connect them within your person. This could be false beliefs or sickness or addiction, etc. More importantly it causes you to feel that you have tapped in to a power – which you have. The power of the demonic (aka the occult or witchcraft). You feel the power in some way or another. It may be a high, a surge, a force and “awakening” or something similar. This feeling is incredibly satisfying to our senses and fleshly ways and it creates a desire within us to continue to do it. So the person wants to delve deeper into the witchcraft practice, to reach higher levels of this power they have experienced.

What is actually happening is they are granting more and more access to the depths of their soul to the demonic, giving them more and more rights into them. Rights are permissions to use our bodies for their works and feed our soul with their beliefs and demonic spirits. Satan wants us to become portals for his evil work. Once we him access, we are connected to his power, and he sets up things inside of us that can work without our conscious knowledge. So basically, we are actually doing witchcraft and we are not even aware of it. The connection has been made and we have done it on our own free will.

How does this work? It is kind of like running a program on the computer. Say you open the internet and are surfing the web. Then you decide you want to start another project, such as writing an essay or making a poster, etc. You minimize the internet window, but it is still running. Maybe you need it for research later. You open up Word or another program and begin on your new project. You have forgotten you were on the internet. Yet in the background the internet is running. The connection was established. And even if you were to close the window, you can get back onto the internet in seconds, because you have already established the connection, and have the browser readily available.

That is what witchcraft is like. It is an open connection, already established and ready to be used at any time. All you have to do is tap into it. Except in this case, we don’t ever actually close it, like that window, so it is always running, even when we are unaware. That is the deception of witchcraft. It comes in disguise as light, but in reality it is the most dangerous thing you can ever do. You are like a loaded weapon walking around, and the devil can use you anytime he pleases, without any future consent. You have already given over so many rights to yourself, that you don’t need to give any more permission.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

There is a lot of work that goes in to disconnecting yourself from darkness. The amount of work depends on the depth you have gotten into witchcraft. If you only ever dabbled in Ouija boards as a teen, there will be less work to do then if you were a full blown witch casting circles and doing spells. Of course most people who dabble in witchcraft, tend to dive deeper than they even realize. Magic is so deceptive and disguises itself in so many forms, that often times we are practicing witchcraft without even realizing what it is.

The first start to becoming disconnected with witchcraft is an in-depth deliverance session. I have talked to many people who have had past involvement in the occult, but are still plagued by various problems. Some are just physical illness and others are having supernatural experiences of one kind or another. They have all gone through the steps to repent, renounce, pray for release, etc. Yet they are all plagued. The devil wants us to think that we have walked away from the occult, so he can continue to use us for his purposes and damage our relationship with God.

There are many types of deliverance possible, and I have tried a lot! I have tried all kinds of healing prayer and having demons cast out for over a year before I found a ministry that really made an impact. This deliverance ministry goes right to the head demon inside. Demons have a hierarchy, just like the army, ranging from high ranking to low level. The head demon inside of a person is going to be a higher ranking demon, but still be under another more powerful demon than itself. It is going to have assignments in how it works to stop the call God has on your life and hinder your relationship with God, as well as working witchcraft around you.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

way outYou can cast out as many demons as you want, spirits of infirmity, despair, rage, addiction, etc. But if you don’t get right to the head of them all, the head will just call more lower level demons in to serve him. Remember, you have already opened up the connection, and they need no further permission. If you go straight to the head demon and break all of his rights and kick him out, all his underlings will have to go to. It is a wonderful way to make a clean break and start your road to freedom.

Deliverance is just the beginning step to healing from being involved in the occult. You may have to go into a deeper, inner healing type of journey, to begin to find out where you have made other connections willingly with the devil, and then have Jesus help you break them. Every person is different, and you need to be completely led by the Holy Spirit in every step of a deliverance and healing. After a deliverance you should see major fruit of the freedom that you have gained from it. If you go through a deliverance and still have spiritual oppression or signs of supernatural activity in your life, you may have not gone through a proper deliverance.

If you have been involved in the occult in any way, and are wondering why you aren’t experiencing true freedom, then it is time to take this to God. He has a huge call over your life, and believe me, the enemy will stop at nothing to keep you from it! You have a choice to make: either stay comfortable in the life you have now, or take a step out in faith to ask for help and begin this most important journey. It is not an easy step. And if you have hesitation or anger about the idea of deliverance, it is because the demons inside of you do not want to lose their foothold! God has not brought you this far so you can just stay connected to darkness. You did not know you were involved with the devil when you were in the occult, because the devil had you fooled. Now you have new insight from the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, and it’s time to break every chain! Hallelujah!

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

Judges 6:12

 

 

 

 

January 11 2016

Your Sin Does Not Offend God

sinWhen I first came to Christ, I was a big time sinner. Who isn’t right? It seems like I probably have committed most of the sins there are  – drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex, sexual immorality, witchcraft, divorce, adultery, lying, stealing, swearing, taking the Lord’s name as a swear word, blasphemy, hate and violence. Wow! Is there anything else left outside of murder? I’m not really sure. All I know is it was an absolute miracle that I came to God at all. It all started with walking into a Presbyterian church one Sunday morning, after never really have been to a Christian church in my entire life. I am often asked how I came to God, and the only answer that I can come up with is God. It was God Himself who brought my family into that church that morning. No person led us there, and it was completely out of left field that we even considered going to a Christian church. I was steeped in sin and loving it.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:13

The Holy Spirit did a good work on me once He got me into church. We began going to church every week and started to read the Bible, leading up to a baptism for my husband, one of my sons and myself. I believe this is when the real changes began to occur in my life. I lost all desire to drink or do drugs, to cuss, take the Lord’s name in vain, and much more. It only progressed into changing my dress to be more modest, not watching violence on TV (or sex and drugs, etc.) and more. The Holy Spirit was cleansing my soul in a way that was absolutely refreshing! I felt close to Jesus and was in love with Him. My relationship grew and grew until I came to this great place where I thought I had “made it” so to speak. Wow! Being a Christian was amazing, and the best experience of my life! Being with God was beyond anything I had every known that was supposed to be fun or exciting. He filled my heart and soul and brought me to completion. Could it get any better?

And yet it did! My relationship with Jesus continued to grow as He poured out His spiritual gifts and blessings onto me. It was amazing! Yet there were other problems I had. Problems with anger, and problems with my health. They were plaguing me and causing me suffering. Soon my relationship with Jesus took the back seat as I tried to just function every day. My health problems consumed my entire life. I was miserable and soon began to believe God had abandoned me. Finally I had a deliverance session that cleared up my brain fog and left me able to breathe again, enough to begin to restore my relationship with Jesus (at least on my side, because He really never left me). But my anger was still there. So I decided to try getting help, because I wanted to claim the victorious life that I knew Jesus had for me.

for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

1 John 1:4

I began a journey of inner healing which would completely change my life. For the worse (OK it just seemed that way). Many of the bad behaviors, the sin that I had thought I left behind, came creeping back in to my life. Swearing, hate, anger, revenge, lying, and more popped up on a daily basis. I was in shock – shouldn’t inner healing cause healing?! I was absolutely regressing! How could this be? I was also moving farther away in my relationship with God, as I lived in almost constant pain and anger. I was unable to see outside of it for very long and my favorite thing in the world – worship, was something that was lost to me.

I know this sounds bad, but it is actually very good. How can regressing into so much sin possibly be good? Well, it is a part of the healing process. You see I thought God had healed those things in me and cleansed me of my sin. The problem is, that long list of sins I wrote out, were not simply because I was a sinner. Yes, we are all born sinners, and the Bible makes that clear, but we behave this way for more reasons than just being sinners. Many of these sins, these behaviors so offensive to God, are done out of pain and trauma. As a young child I had experienced extreme abuse and it caused me so much pain and anger that as a young adult I blamed God for all of it, and tried to cover it up with drugs, alcohol and sex. I also had severe demonic oppression that led me into witchcraft, the occult and new age. Demons are able to gain access into our bodies through the false beliefs that come with pain and trauma. Sin is not always as black and white as it seems.

It is so easy to judge those around us who we see sinning. Maybe they are alcoholics, drug addicts, addicted to porn, promiscuous, dress provocatively, gamble and so on. We see this and we get angry and want to judge them. How could they call themselves Christian and behave this way? Don’t they know how wrong this sin is, how offensive to God this is? Or maybe they are not a Christian and are just lost in the world. We look at them and feel sorry for them, because we know they just need Jesus. And it’s true! We all need Jesus. But guess what? God is not offended by their behavior. Shocking isn’t it? Isn’t that what we are taught, God hates sin? You’re right, He absolutely does. But you are forgetting one very important thing – Jesus died to cleanse us all from sin before the eyes of God the Father. Therefore no one is seen before the eyes of our Holy God as sinners, but as His beautiful children. Jesus did not die and suffer so only some of us sinners could be saved, but to clear the name of every person on this earth, and free them from their sentence of capital punishment. Every body. The Bible makes it clear that Jesus died for all. Does this mean every person will be saved? No it does not. But every person’s name has been cleared until the time of their judgement. If God saw us all as sinners, He would have to turn His back on each of us until we repented and accepted Jesus. That is not the God of the Bible, that is a God of condemnation and judgement, who forsakes us. We are the most broken and in need before we come to Christ. God does not turn His back on sinners, looking down on them as they continue to sin, He loves them. That is why Jesus came into the world – because of the intense love of our God, our Father. God can’t help but love us.

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

2 Corinthians 5:15

We are born into a world full of evil. It is the devil’s domain, and he is proud of it. He strives daily to take every single person away from God; to cause them to hate Jesus, turn on Him, and believe God hates them as well. With the help of our natural tendencies to sin, the devil is very successful at his job many times. At least for a season. God is willing that none should perish, and moves heaven and earth to reconcile with each one of His children. Yet because of the prevalent evil and sin in the world, many people suffer and experience, abuse, trauma, pain, disease, death, violence and more. It tears them apart, breaks them down, and causes them to become unable to function the way God designed us to. Many of us are walking around so broken that we can’t help but rely on drugs or sex or lying or other sins to get through our lives. We are so full of pain and despair we don’t even have any idea how deep it runs; like a river that threatens to rise above the shore. That pain is always just below the surface, and because of it, more often than not, we choose to sin in many ways. Does this pain make our sin excusable? No, but it makes it understandable. God knows our hearts and minds, and what we have been through. He has been through it all, with each one of us. He knows how hard it has been, and to what extent we can cope with the things that go wrong in our lives. He sees the sin we commit, but He does not see us as the sin we commit. Instead He sees the pain and brokenness in each of us, and knows why we make the choices we do.

God wants nothing more than to abolish our pain and heal our broken lives. He wants nothing more than to bring us closer to Him, to live in a restored and loving relationship with Him. I have heard many people who view God as a God who is always judging us and make us follow a set of rules to act right and be a certain way. You have to follow all the rules of the Old Testament, you can’t do this and you can’t do that or you are offending God and making Him mad. You need to believe this and not believe that are you are going to hell. I completely understand that, because when I first started reading the Bible, I felt the same way. I was offended by sin, I was offended by sinners and I was convinced that God couldn’t favor those who kept on sinning. That is because I had still yet to come into a deeper understanding of how God loves. God’s love has no conditions on it, ever. You do not need to act a certain way or do a certain thing to receive His love. That is what religion tells us, not Jesus.

Condemnation is not of God but of the devil. He is the Father of Lies and wants only to destroy our souls. So when we are looking down on other sinners of the world and thinking how bad they are, we are not in line with the mind of Christ. Underneath that sinner is a lost soul and a broken heart, crying out for love and desperate for healing. Just like you. They may seem like they have it all together, or they may just seem mean and nasty, but inside their hearts are fractured and crushed into a million pieces. Only Jesus can save us and heal that broken mess inside of us. It is our job to love all those around us, sinners or not. To stop looking at them as a bunch of lowly sinners, and start looking at them as fragile jars of clay that need a little TLC. While it may not be our job to fix the mess, it is certainly our job to love them right in the middle of their mess. Even when we are in the middle of our own mess. We need to take a good look around and realize that the person standing right next to you is crying out for help and hurting just as much as we are. Let each of us reach out and share our burdens’ with the next person, so we can comfort each other and help each other find the heart of Jesus.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

handcuffsI know many Christians who are living in shame because they are struggling with a particular sin. If you are struggling with a sin that you can’t get rid of, that does not mean God is mad at you, or looks down on you. You have the grace and mercy of Christ! The mercy of Jesus triumphs over judgement. If you are struggling it is seriously time to take a deeper look at the root of where this sin is coming from. You have moved past just being a sinner in need of Jesus to having a deep root of pain or trauma that has led to this sin. And the devil is using this pain to push you further into sin, so you will believe you are not good enough for God. You are enough for God! You are worthy! He wants you, all of you and your sinful self! Jesus is the only way to freedom from this world, and all it’s pain and evil. He is the only way to life in abundance. But you must come unhindered by the weight of sin and shame. There is no place for shame at the foot of Christ.

I also know many non-Christians who won’t even look twice at the cross of Christ because they don’t want to be condemned by being told they are full of sin. They have already been condemned by Christians, telling them they are going to hell. That is not the message of the cross! Jesus came to give us freedom from sin, to give us eternal life, and His amazing love. No one can receive this wonderful gifts when they are being condemned to hell without having a chance to experience the love of God. Not once did Jesus meet people and tell them they were sinners going to hell. He saw right through the pain and brokenness and reached out to them right where they were. How can we hope to heal ourselves or reach the lost if we continue to view sin as a one way ticket to hell. We are not going to hell because we keep sinning, we are going to hell if we don’t accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. His love and atonement covers our sins, every single one of them!

What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means!

Romans 6:15