January 28 2017

Inner Healing

I have talked a lot about my journey of inner healing over the past year and a half. I believe inner healing is very important in the life of every person, no matter who you are. This page is a resource to understand more about what inner healing is, and how it works.

Inner healing, or sozo prayer, is a type of healing for our soul. Throughout life we go through many painful events and traumas, which we never recover from. We hold onto these pains deep in our souls, and it affects every aspect of our lives, from emotional to behavioral, and everything in between. The purpose of inner healing is to allow a trained and qualified individual be a facilitator between us and Jesus Christ, to allow Him to bring deep healing into our souls.

Inner healing is like a type of counseling, except that it is completely Holy Spirit led. The facilitator is there to help ensure that the session is led by the Holy Spirit, and goes only where He guides it. The facilitator should be equipped with many types of prayer and tools to help break strongholds, etc. If you are a ritual abuse survivor, you should only see someone who has been trained in that area.

An inner healing session typically lasts for 1.5-2 hours, and will probably go on once every week or two, for as long as necessary. Again, the Holy Spirit needs to be the one to determine all of this. Without the Holy Spirit, we may push ourselves much farther than we are ready to go, causing damage instead of healing.

Inner healing should generally come after an in depth deliverance session. It is very important you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in every area of healing. The Holy Spirit knows when you need healing, and who you should have help you. Many people have been led astray as they have gone off looking for healing on their own terms. There are wolves out their who will gladly pray for you and help you, but are only leading you deeper into the abyss. A good intercessor or sozo minister will have extensive training, and have undergone their own inner healing.

Our Father is faithful and loving. He wants nothing more than to bring you healing and freedom. You may need to spend time strengthening yourself to get to this place however. Without a firm foundation under your feet, it may be too much for you to go into deep places of healing. God had to bring me to a place of enough strength so that when I went into deep places of pain, I could come out and still have hope and know who God is.



My journey of inner healing:  Blog   Youtube

False belief systems and how they affect our relationship with God:  Youtube 

What is inner healing?   Youtube

Walking out healing and deliverance:   Youtube 

Healing from sexual abuse:   Blog

More on how abuse affects us:   Blog 

How to deal with pain and anger:   Blog

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May 1 2017

Making Your Way Out of the Pit

pitWhen you are down in the pit, there is only one way to go: Up. I have been down in the pit for a long time. I’m not sure when I first fell into the pit, but it seems like its been more like a rabbit hole, where I just kept falling and falling, endlessly. It wasn’t until I started doing my inner healing that I finally landed at the bottom of the pit. It was where I had a firm place to land finally, and allow Jesus to bring me into safety.

Free falling for my whole life has been terrifying at best. I have never known what was going to happen next, or if I was ever going to be OK. I only knew that everything inside of me was chaos, and everything outside of me was torture. Only Jesus was able to soothe the chaos of my soul so I could stop falling and finally have hope. Hope had been elusive to me my entire life, yet here I am, bringing the hope of Jesus to everyone else. What a miracle He is.

Even though Jesus brought me to a place where I could stop falling, I was still at the bottom of the pit. The pit is just as scary as the endless rabbit hole. It is dark, it is lonely, and your never sure if you will actually make it out. Yet Jesus brought His light into that pit, and that is where hope entered in. Hope said, you are going to make it through this and see that all of this will indeed bring you something good. After a life with little goodness, it was hard to hang on to that thread of hope.

But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Matthew 4:4

It was the firm foundation in the bottom of that pit that allowed me the stability to completely fall apart. That may sound counter intuitive, but it was exactly what I needed. I had tried so hard to keep it all together for so long I didn’t realize I was single-handedly trying to hold each one of the pieces of my broken soul in place. Once I was able to let go, Jesus was able to come in, and His Holy Spirit was able to start doing the job I had been doing all on my own; holding me together.

It was only in that place of brokenness that I was able to start giving Jesus my soul, one piece at a time. Once I began to see that Jesus was indeed safe, I was able to hand over chunks instead of pieces. Two years later I am no longer at the bottom of the pit, but climbing my way back out. It has been a long and intense journey, but I am finally on the upside. I am nowhere near done, but I am no longer drowning in the deep end either.

It can be a scary place, going into a journey of the inner most recesses of your soul. You have no idea what you are going to find there, you only know it’s probably going to be ugly. And worse than having to deal with it yourself, is allowing God to see it as well. Who wants to air all the dirty laundry of the dark places they’ve been hiding to the One who created everything? It seems far to shameful and painful to do.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

Isaiah 61:7

Jesus is not ashamed or afraid of these dark places. He is the light and He brings hope. Without Jesus, those dark places inside our soul are going to flourish instead of diminish. They are like a stagnant pond that mosquitoes breed in and it just keeps growing and growing. If we want to bring healing into our hearts, we need to allow the Son to come upon the darkness and wash it all away; just as though it has never been.

That is exactly what Jesus can and will do, if we would only allow Him. We cannot hide from the King of Kings. He sees and knows all, including our deepest and darkest secrets. There is no hiding from the One who created us, and we shouldn’t have too. Only the lies that we are ugly and terrible keep us from His truths, which will bring us the freedom that we so desperately desire.

I know the pain and shame that come. I know the fear and the denial that they bring. Yet these things are not born of God, nor are they born of His love for us. The love of God will drive out fear, pain, and shame, and bring us into the light. Instead of cultivating a cesspool within ourselves, we grow a beautiful garden. Our garden of trust, and love and truth, that will be a sweet-smelling sacrifice to our Lord.

But now thus says the Lordhe who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. 

Isaiah 43:1-2

Love is what overcomes all evil. There is no evil too great for the power of love. God’s love with break down every barrier, slay every enemy, steal back every victory we lost, and reclaim every promise. Our Father wants to do all of this for us, we just have to be willing to walk with Him. He never promised the walk would be easy. What He did promise was that He would be right there, in the midst of all of it, bringing us out of the pit we have endured for so long. I am living proof of it.

So today, look out to the promised land and know that the God who led Abraham into His destiny, is the same God that will lead you into yours. The same God that stopped the sun and the moon in the sky, and brought the Midianites to their knees with jars and trumpets, is the same God who is going to protect you and fight for you. You are not alone, no matter how badly it feels. You are not going to stay in the pit forever, no matter how hopeless you feel. You are a son/daughter of the King, and He is right there with you, right now.

Believe in the hope and glory He has promised you, and fight for it. Never give up fighting to hear His voice, trust Him, believe in His promises, and seek His face. No matter how hard it is. You are worth the price He paid, every drop of it.

On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
    a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
    of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
And he will swallow up on this mountain
    the covering that is cast over all peoples,
    the veil that is spread over all nations.
   He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
    for the Lord has spoken.
 It will be said on that day,
    “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
    This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
    let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”

Isaiah 25:6-9

January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.


I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

June 6 2016

Surrendering To Pain

painToday I feel like a outpatient that has just gone through major surgery. On the outside I may appear normal (although I am doubtful of that), but on the inside I have just gone under the microscope and had tumors removed from my soul by the hand of Jesus Christ. That may sound like a strange phenomena, but that is exactly what I go through, every week. Some weeks the surgery is fairly easy and I get out with a short recovery time. and little pain. Other weeks I need to be quiet and rest, letting the procedure take hold in the depths of who I am. Recovery takes longer because the pain was more intense.

What is this surgery you ask, and how can it possibly be good for me? Well these weekly procedures are what I like to call “inner healing“. I started my journey into inner healing last spring. It actually started with just a wonderful Biblical prayer counselor, but then that abruptly ended because God had bigger plans for my healing. The Biblical prayer counseling helped me to get an understanding of the anger I had been dealing with for my whole life. What I learned is that anger, as well as anxiety, fear, bitterness, depression, and other related feelings, are a secondary emotion to pain. Pain is the root of all feelings outside of the love and joy God has created us to have.

Pain is a sneaky little thing really. It always seems to hit you out of nowhere, blindsiding you and then leaving a mess in the wake of it. You are left looking around you wondering what happened and how did you end up on the floor? Most of the time when pain comes we are so unprepared we have no idea how to deal with it. It is a very messy and ugly feeling, and makes us feel powerless and ashamed of our weakness. Yet instead of reaching out to Jesus, the conqueror of death and hell, we usually shove that pain right back in where it came from, so we can just try to get back up and move on with life. What we don’t realize is that pain comes for a reason, and no matter how bad it feels, Jesus will still work it for our good, if we just allow Him to do so.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

What really is the point of pain, you might ask. Pain is a place to meet the grace and love of God. It is a place where the enemy works very hard to get you, because he believes it is in that place he can destroy you. That is not the point of view God takes, however. God sees us in the midst of this pain, and He sees a sweet and beloved child who needs Him desperately. Yet when He begins to reach down to lend a hand out of the pit, we ignore it in favor of climbing out on our own. We need to feel self-sufficient and capable because the world tells us that we are worthless otherwise. Only the weak and pathetic sit in pain, the devil tells us. Wrong. It takes immense strength and resilience to sit in the pain and call on the name of Jesus to bring healing to it.

When I first started my inner healing sessions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was surrendering to God’s will, but I had no idea He was about to uncover a mass of memories that had been suppressed for my entire life. He started off small, letting me learn more about who I am in Christ. He also started to reveal places of pain that I was already aware of, yet had tried to suppress. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t that difficult either. Really, I was just dipping my toes into tepid water at that point.

The real difficulty came just a couple of months in. The sessions always start of with prayer, and giving everything over to the will of the Holy Spirit to do what He knows needs to be done. Every person can handle what they can, and God knows what those things are. God had been building me up in strength for a very long time, I just had no idea. I had finally come to this place in time where the healing could begin. The funny thing is, healing never feels like healing. It feels like when you break a bone and it heals incorrectly, then it has to be broken again to heal correctly. Pain upon pain. Then you have the time it takes to wait for the complete healing and restoration of the bone. It takes time, patience and effort on your part to take care of yourself through the healing process. Sounds like a blast right? Of course not. But joy will still abound, when you rest in the faith of Jesus Christ.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

When the memories come, they often come in slowly, one thing at a time. I am in a darkened room. It is a small room, with no windows. It is cold and lifeless and scary, lit by candles. There are three men in black robes, and my grandmother. I am chained to the wall. I am only about 2 years old. I am scared out of my mind. Why would my grandmother bring me to this awful place? At this point, I did not even know where I actually was, which was at the Mormon church. Over time I would be very familiar with this room.

The men are chanting. They are calling upon evil spirits, and channeling them. I am being molested by my own grandmother. It is terrifying to me. Yet it is not the first time she has molested me, I just don’t remember it at that time. The men are calling upon spirits of evil because they want to channel them into me. The sexual stimulation is for the purpose of filling me with fear and pain, so that I will be open to receive what they have to offer. I can see what is happening around me, yet I can hardly comprehend.

It was very hard to see this memory, as I had no idea, and I mean no idea, that I had ever experienced anything of this nature in my life. I am in shock as the Holy Spirit recalls it to my memory, piece by piece. Yet it is real. How can it be. How? Yet there is some hope in the memory. Before the man who has channeled the demon can summon it upon me, a strong gust of wind blows through the room. It is an impossible wind, in a room with no windows. Yet it blows so fiercely that the candles go out and the man is knocked to the ground. The demon spirit is chased away by the power of it. It was the Holy Spirit. The men are filled with fear, and my grandmother is enraged. The spirit is gone and will not come back this time, so the ritual must end. For now.

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:6-7

The man scrambles off the floor as another relights the candles. I don’t understand what is happening, but I do know the presence of God when I feel it. I had already been in communication with God; already had talked with Him personally even at this tender young age. For some all this sounds impossible, and improbable. I wish it was. Yet in this world the devil has a foothold so deep that he has convinced us that he does not even exist. I am not alone in these experiences. There are many just like me. Yet they do not remember. They cannot remember. To remember without the Holy Spirit is virtually impossible, and to attempt to do so could send someone to insanity.

It is extremely dangerous to attempt to recover any memories of abuse without the help of God. He has to be the one to reveal them when He knows you are ready. Once He reveals them He shows you how they affected your beliefs and the way you see God and the world. He then removes the impact of what has been done to your soul through the moments He shows you. He brings you healing and begins to redeem what was bad, trading it for something good. This could never be done without God. The part He plays in this is vital and essential.

This was the first ritual I that I become aware of. It is like a horror movie has come true, and I am the star. Yet the fact that I feel it is unreal and a horror movie speaks volumes about what this experience has taught me. It has taught me that the world is evil, nowhere is safe, the devil has control, and more things of that nature. Yet I still hung on to the hope of God in that moment. I still clung to Him desperately. That would change eventually though, as they realized the power of God that was already inside of me.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

child-running-1082102_1920I do not think I am special. I do not think my experiences or abuse is worse than anyone else. Abuse in itself is traumatic and rips apart the fabric of your soul, no matter what the abuse is. It is evil in its nature, and it’s intent is to tear you down, so the devil can build you back up, just as he wants you to be. Weak, afraid, and susceptible to his viewpoints of life. That is why it is imperative to follow Jesus into the pain. The pain wants to control us and hold us down, but God wants to use it to teach us, to empower us, to strengthen us, and to build us in our identity in Christ. I have not wanted to know these bad things that have happened to me. Not once. They only get worse from here, every single time.

Yet I have continued for 9 months, and I have no idea when I’ll be done. Do I consider myself strong? Not by a long shot. But because I have trusted in God, even just a tiny bit, I have been willing to walk through this with Him. His mighty right hand has uplifted me, and strengthened me, just enough to get through each day. I have wanted to die. I have begged God to take me home, because I am done with this life. It has been harsh, cruel, and a living hell. But God says He wants me here, if I can just keep hanging on. He has promised to redeem it all, and give me something beautiful in return. I honestly have no idea how that is possible, but I have heard that nothing is impossible with God. So I chose to remind myself of that promise, even if it is hard to believe. So far He has been faithful and True to His word to me. So I keep fighting the good fight.

And you can too. I know you are not me, but you are here because you know you have pain and you know you are hiding from it. So I just want to give you encouraging words. If I can do this, I am most certain you can, because Jesus can. And if Jesus can, anyone who trusts in Him can. Do you trust Him, even just a tiny bit? Ok. Then my beautiful sweet friend, you can.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

May 9 2016

Don’t Retreat From God’s Will

retreatHave you ever been in a situation that was 100% out of your comfort zone? Where you feel like you just don’t belong and either you aren’t ready or aren’t qualified? It seems that God has me in these types of situations often, as I am willing to keep surrendering my will to His. And no matter how upset I get about the leadings I feel tugging my heart, I still keep surrendering to His will. Upset may not be the right word. Often times I get down right angry about where I feel the Holy Spirit directing me. It seems like pure madness sometimes! Yet I somehow am able to continue to trust in God, even though there are still parts of my relationship with Him that are so broken.

This past weekend was another one of those times where I was 100% out of my comfort zone. I went to my church women’s retreat. Now I know to some that may sound odd that I was uncomfortable at a women’s retreat; a place where women are supposed to relax and rejuvenate; but this is not the case for me. First of all, I am a home body. I love to be with my family and sleep in my own bed, where my husband is. Not to mention my adorable puppy who is so sweet to me. Second of all, I am going through a very difficult time. Last summer I began a journey of healing where I began to uncover memories of satanic ritual abuse in my childhood. This has absolutely shaken my world to the core. I am going through healing sessions on a weekly basis. I am recovering new memories pretty often still. It has been rough, to say the least.

It is hard to explain really how hard this has been on me. And when I explain these things, it is without intention for people to feel sorry for me. Quite the opposite. Instead I would prefer that people understand the truth about satanic ritual abuse and how real it is in our world today. On a weekly basis I struggle often to do the basics that a wife and mother should do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I have gone through a period of at least 2 months where I just could not cook. And I previously loved to cook and bake. The house was becoming a disaster and the laundry has been sitting in baskets in the living room. Pretty embarrassing if someone happened to drop by. I expect more of myself obviously, being that it is basically my job.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Thank God for a husband that is so understanding and helpful. He does not complain about a messy house or eating frozen lasagna and things like that for dinner all week-long. Nor does he complain that I stopped making his lunches and healthy snacks for him to take to work. I feel awful of course, but I have finally gotten to the point where I am as OK with it as I am going to be. I mean, rightfully I should be in the corner drooling after learning the things I have about my abuse. It is horrific to say the least, yet here I am, still functioning at all. I guess it is a miracle, really.

So back to the retreat. I really never had the intention of going. Like I said, I am a home body. I would prefer to go away for the weekend with my husband to be honest. My husband is my safe place, and getting away with him would be amazing. But I digress. The retreat had two big things going for it that really drew me in. Worship and food. What women would not enjoy a weekend of no meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking? Lovely! And worship, well that is where my heart is. Right in the hands of God the Father, adoring Him and basking in His presence. I knew the worship leader and knew the worship would be awesome! After much prayer I knew it was God’s will, even though I really, really did not want to go. I actually cried and whined many times leading up to the day. Yes I did.

I decided to put on my big girl panties on and go though, taking a new friend I met in a support group. We hadn’t known each other long, but I was excited for her to experience God that weekend. I was very nervous because not only do I prefer to be at home, but also I really struggle with people lately. Especially church people. To be fair, all of my abuse happened at church. It was a Mormon church, but try explaining to a young child that a Mormon church is not a real church. You can’t. That was my life, and church was Christian to me. It was where God was, and God was who left me to be abused by church people.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

So while I completely recognize that the people at my church are not abusing me, I also understand that there is a little girl inside of me who feels that church people are evil and hurt you. It is a part of my healing journey. So it was hard to feel safe around people, especially when I already feel the other moms my age have rejected me completely. Not to say they are rude to me, but I guess standoffish would be a better word. Certainly never warm and inviting. And for someone like me, who is trying to cope with the thoughts and beliefs that have grown out of abuse, it is particularly hard. I know they can’t understand where I am coming from, yet that little girl is very, very hurt nonetheless.

I have to say, I am a sharer. I have no qualms about being open and sharing my self and my life, especially when it comes to what God has done. So when our cabin had cabin time, I was open and shared some of what I have been going through. It was difficult and painful for me, yet I did it because I knew it was right. Somehow though during that first evening I was triggered and started on a downward spiral that went into the next day.

A trigger according to psychcentral.com “is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.” I have these at least a few times a month, and I never know when one is going to pop up, or what might set it off. People cannot understand what it is and why it happens, so I have never attempted to explain it to anyone. I am not even sure what triggered me that night, because there was so much going on, I was really overwhelmed. It could have just been me sharing with a group of strangers and triggering a feeling of being unsafe. Whatever it was, I was in a bad state that went to worse, and by noon the next day I was on the porch of the building I was staying in, rocking like mad in a rocking chair, playing worship music to try to not completely lose it.

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

Psalm 91:4-6

A friend asked me to take a walk and I had to decline. I was shaking and everything inside of me was freaking out. I mean I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Apparently I kept it together pretty well, because no one noticed anything amiss. God is that good. I was able to talk on the phone (another miracle, because the cell service was terrible!) to the person I do inner healing with. She was able to walk me through, with the help of Jesus, into a place where I could heal some trauma and get into a stable place. I was really thinking I was going to have to go home. Yet I actually did not want to. At this place I had really felt the presence of God. Even just sitting out on the rocking chair with the wind blowing, I could feel the Holy Spirit stirring me and speaking clearly to me. I wanted more of that.

It has been a long time since I felt that close to God. Part of my abuse is being told God had abandoned me and Jesus was abusing me. So I have gone through a time of being extremely hurt and angry with God. I am healing that and it’s getting better. So I was relishing it the moments of feeling Him so closely during this retreat. It was absolutely wonderful. We had 5 different worship sessions! I was ecstatic! It was so moving and so wonderful. It was what got me through the weekend.

I did met some very lovely ladies at the retreat. I did have some great learning moments from the speaker as well. Yet by the time I got home I was on overload. Emotionally and spiritually I was at rock bottom. On a spiritual level there was so much witchcraft coming at me I got to the point where I stopped being able to discern it. Witchcraft is a very real part of my life, because as I have been separating myself from it (its from the satanic rituals I was in as a child) I am learning so much more about it. It is everywhere. No place is exempt, least of all Christian places. People do it and they often have no idea. That does not make them bad or evil, it just means they do not know. I am learning to distinguish it and protect myself from it everywhere I go. But that is another story.

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

John 7:24

Coming home was a wonderful relief. I have to say, I was absolutely kicking myself for going though. Part of me did not feel that it was worth it to be on complete overload. The other part of me enjoyed not taking care of the house and kids, and eating great food and worshiping. That brings me back to the will of God. Did God know that the weekend was going to be difficult for me? Yes. Did He know that I was going to be triggered, or be overloaded spiritually? Yes. God knew all these things. Yet He also knew that I would spend two hours worshiping Him through art, or that I would connect with some lovely ladies that made me feel very special. And God uses all things for our good, even bad things. So He was able to use the trigger I had over the weekend to bring me more healing in my session just a few days later. He is a worker of miracles, which all stem from His love. Nothing is too big for our Daddy. He knew what I could handle, and He led me there. I as unsure, but I trusted in Him anyway. It was difficult, but I made it through, and stronger in some ways I am sure.

artretreatAs a matter of fact, this weekend has taught me a lot about setting boundaries. I have realized it is OK to say no to people, or groups, because sometimes saying no is for your own health (emotional, spiritual or otherwise). It is OK to take a break from church related activities, or even church itself, because church does not make you Christian. Following Jesus makes you Christian. And sometimes Jesus leads you to those uncomfortable places that fall far away from what you think your life should look like. As long as you are willing to listen, and to follow, He will get you through it, and bring good out of it too. He is just that good.

My prayer for you is that you would be willing to surrender to God’s will in your life right now. I know He is asking you to do something that is far too hard for you to do. But no matter what it is, He is not going to leave you alone in it. He is going to walk with you through it, and see that it works for your good. You just have to be willing; you don’t have to even be brave. Look at me: I was a total whiner and God did not even mind one bit! Life is a new adventure waiting for you, if you will just surrender it to Jesus Christ. He is the One that will take you to places you never dreamed were possible, and He will use them to train you to help others go there too. Bless you!

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:10