January 28 2017

Inner Healing

I have talked a lot about my journey of inner healing over the past year and a half. I believe inner healing is very important in the life of every person, no matter who you are. This page is a resource to understand more about what inner healing is, and how it works.

Inner healing, or sozo prayer, is a type of healing for our soul. Throughout life we go through many painful events and traumas, which we never recover from. We hold onto these pains deep in our souls, and it affects every aspect of our lives, from emotional to behavioral, and everything in between. The purpose of inner healing is to allow a trained and qualified individual be a facilitator between us and Jesus Christ, to allow Him to bring deep healing into our souls.

Inner healing is like a type of counseling, except that it is completely Holy Spirit led. The facilitator is there to help ensure that the session is led by the Holy Spirit, and goes only where He guides it. The facilitator should be equipped with many types of prayer and tools to help break strongholds, etc. If you are a ritual abuse survivor, you should only see someone who has been trained in that area.

An inner healing session typically lasts for 1.5-2 hours, and will probably go on once every week or two, for as long as necessary. Again, the Holy Spirit needs to be the one to determine all of this. Without the Holy Spirit, we may push ourselves much farther than we are ready to go, causing damage instead of healing.

Inner healing should generally come after an in depth deliverance session. It is very important you allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in every area of healing. The Holy Spirit knows when you need healing, and who you should have help you. Many people have been led astray as they have gone off looking for healing on their own terms. There are wolves out their who will gladly pray for you and help you, but are only leading you deeper into the abyss. A good intercessor or sozo minister will have extensive training, and have undergone their own inner healing.

Our Father is faithful and loving. He wants nothing more than to bring you healing and freedom. You may need to spend time strengthening yourself to get to this place however. Without a firm foundation under your feet, it may be too much for you to go into deep places of healing. God had to bring me to a place of enough strength so that when I went into deep places of pain, I could come out and still have hope and know who God is.

 

 

My journey of inner healing:  Blog   Youtube

False belief systems and how they affect our relationship with God:  Youtube 

What is inner healing?   Youtube

Walking out healing and deliverance:   Youtube 

Healing from sexual abuse:   Blog

More on how abuse affects us:   Blog 

How to deal with pain and anger:   Blog

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October 10 2014

Welcome to the Other Side of Darkness

My name is Beth, and I am here to tell you my story. A story of my journey into a life of darkness, hopelessness and despair; into the very pits of what I call hell, and the amazing force that brought me up out of the darkness, and into the light.

outofdarkness

I have always felt alone and sad. I never felt good enough or loved. As a teen I was raped by my boyfriend and became suicidal. Later I fell into drugs and alcohol, which consumed a large part of my life. In my search for truth and meaning in life, I delved deeply into the occult and witch craft and new age for several years. I was in several abusive relationships and continued to be depressed and lost for many years.

Does any of this resonate with you? Have you ever struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts? Or maybe your struggle was with addiction to drugs or alcohol. Have you been searching, wondering, why you are here? Is there a purpose in life? Have you suffered and been so tired that you just can’t take it anymore? Was there a time in your life you used witch craft or new age practices in your search for the truth?

I am here to tell you I understand completely. I have walked in those shoes as well. I have felt unbearable pain and sought to try any means possible to numb it or take it away. You are not alone. There is hope. There is help and healing for you. I have received unbelievable healing, comfort, joy and lasting hope in life! I have known unconditional love, that surpasses my understanding. And I have found peace in knowing why I am here on this earth, and what my purpose is. You are loved beyond anything you have ever known in your life! And you too can experience this wonderful joy and hope that I have found. It is there even for you!

Please explore my blog and learn more about my life, my experiences and how I found light in a dark world. Learn more about walking in joy and victory! I pray you will be blessed beyond measure as you read this blog. Thank you so much for visiting!

 New Posts Come Out Every Monday (with the exception of holidays)!

To read my testimony of how I went from being a witch who hated God, to a Christian please go to My Testimony.

To read more about my life, and how I lived a life of pain, hopelessness and walked from away from God, please go to My Story.

To read my new posts about recovered memories, where I am beginning to speak of my childhood abuse, please go to Recovering Childhood Memories. (If you are SRA please be advised these posts are full of triggers.)

To read about how I came to a Christian church and found a relationship with Jesus, please go to Into the Light.

To read more about my life and my latest posts (with the exception of new memories), please go to Living in the Light.

To visit my Youtube Channel where I post videos weekly about Christian life, spiritual gifts, warfare and much more, go to My Channel!

 

 

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September 25 2017

From Surviving To Thriving

survivingFor most of my life I have been just trying to survive. It’s like hanging on to the back of a speedboat that is cruising through the lake at 50 mph. Surviving is something that takes place of true living. You hunker down and wait for the storm to pass, except that it never really does. So you just keep hanging on as tight as you can, and hope that you make it through to the end.

At some point in time I got tired of surviving. I didn’t want to just survive life anymore. I wanted to be more than a conqueror through Christ. I wanted my reality to be the strength that everyone else saw in me. However, that was just too far away from my understanding of life. Moments of strength are great, but they have been so fleeting, and leave hopelessness in their wake. I needed the kind of strength that was going to allow me to let go of the speedboat, and instead walk on water.

Being a survivor of ritual abuse is a unique experience that is hard to describe. In many ways it is like someone who has been engaged in combat and comes home. You have seen war, death, destruction, and all sorts of evil. You are in a foreign country and away from reality as you have always known it. When you come home, everyone is so happy to see you. They throw a party for you and give you accolades for what you have done. Yet you just want to sit alone in a dark room, because it’s overwhelming to be at a celebration which only reminds you of pain and death.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4

You are overwhelmed because you haven’t seen joy in a long time. You don’t even know what to talk about to people who haven’t been immersed in the circumstances of war like you have. They talk about the weather and politics and school and you just stare at them, trying to focus on what their saying and not on latent memories pushing through. At the end of the party they shoot off fireworks and it’s all you can do is run, because the flashing lights and sounds of explosion send you right back into the combat zone.

No one understands why you ran. No one comprehends the level of pain and suffering you now know so intimately. They want to encourage you, but their words roll off you like water. You feel isolated and alone in the midst of a crowd. How can you explain what you feel, what you have seen, when no one even wants to hear the truth in the first place. Everyone means well, but while you have been in your own personal hell, they have been enjoying the freedom that you fought for them to have.

When you have experienced high levels of trauma for a good portion of your life, you are living in survival mode. You know no other way of being. You are on autopilot, just trying to get through every moment of every day and still breathe. Many people are living this way and have no idea that they are doing so. It becomes normal to them, just as it did for me. Before I ever realized I was a survivor, I was living in survival mode. My whole life was spent surviving, I just had no idea. It wasn’t until I was desperate enough to know the reason why I was a huge mess that I began to learn the reasons behind daily surviving.

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Survival does not equip us to thrive in unhealthy situations, nor does it help us find the truth as to why suffering has followed us wherever we go. Surviving only helps us to get one foot in front of the other. For some, this is how they will have to make it through life, because facing the obvious pain that has been staring at them for so long, is simply more than they can bare. Yet for others, surviving will be a season, not a permanent condition. They will strive to find out the truth in the answers to why things are the way they are. It is through that truth they will find freedom and healing in Jesus Christ.

I have been hanging on for what feels like a lifetime, and Jesus has given me the strength to finally let go. That speedboat has no intention of stopping, so Jesus had to talk me through the steps to let go of it, and allow Him to catch me right where I was. It was extremely hard and painful to even get to that place. Once I was able to let go, the world around me slowed down and I could once again breathe.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

Mark 4:39:41

It’s amazing when you finally come to a place where you are no longer watching your life whiz by you, wondering how to catch up. You can stop and open your eyes without the spray from the boat blinding you. You can focus on taking one step at a time towards Jesus, even though the storm is still raging on around you. The wind and the waves threaten you, and so you learn that sometimes you have to stand perfectly still while you get your bearings, and sometimes you can take that next step, always looking for Jesus.

Here I am, two years into my inner healing therapy and I have finally reached a place where I can breathe. Where I can be at peace with my circumstances and know that Jesus is my Rock and Redeemer. As much hell as I have been through these past two years, it was all worth the fight. There is nothing like the fresh air you breathe when you climb out of the pit. You get used to the stench and the muck of it, and you completely forget who you even are.

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Matthew 25:21

Yet Jesus has never left my side, not for one minute of my life. He has told me I am His, I am beautiful, I am special. Things I couldn’t believe before now give me hope. Jesus tells me He has never left me and I now know its true. Through every situation I was forced into, and every sin of my own doing, He was there. My proud Papa, who knew the core of my heart, and tells me I am good. I never could have thought I was good before. I believed I was evil, through and through. God knows the truth, about each and every one of us.

The goodness of God cannot be stopped, and His love can never be tainted. No matter what we do, and no matter what happens in this world, the love of God is an unstoppable force that will plow over the enemy every time. The only thing that keeps us from that understanding is believing his lies. If the devil can convince us that God is not who He says He is, then he has his hooks in us for as long as we allow it.

We may have all authority over the evil of this world, but until we recognize where we have allowed it in, we cannot use that authority to expel it. We will always have struggles and suffering as consequences to our choices to deny it. Jesus sees you. He sees your heart. He knows you, and He says ‘You are good.’ Who are you going to choose to believe?

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.

1 Corinthians 9:24-26

May 1 2017

Making Your Way Out of the Pit

pitWhen you are down in the pit, there is only one way to go: Up. I have been down in the pit for a long time. I’m not sure when I first fell into the pit, but it seems like its been more like a rabbit hole, where I just kept falling and falling, endlessly. It wasn’t until I started doing my inner healing that I finally landed at the bottom of the pit. It was where I had a firm place to land finally, and allow Jesus to bring me into safety.

Free falling for my whole life has been terrifying at best. I have never known what was going to happen next, or if I was ever going to be OK. I only knew that everything inside of me was chaos, and everything outside of me was torture. Only Jesus was able to soothe the chaos of my soul so I could stop falling and finally have hope. Hope had been elusive to me my entire life, yet here I am, bringing the hope of Jesus to everyone else. What a miracle He is.

Even though Jesus brought me to a place where I could stop falling, I was still at the bottom of the pit. The pit is just as scary as the endless rabbit hole. It is dark, it is lonely, and your never sure if you will actually make it out. Yet Jesus brought His light into that pit, and that is where hope entered in. Hope said, you are going to make it through this and see that all of this will indeed bring you something good. After a life with little goodness, it was hard to hang on to that thread of hope.

But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Matthew 4:4

It was the firm foundation in the bottom of that pit that allowed me the stability to completely fall apart. That may sound counter intuitive, but it was exactly what I needed. I had tried so hard to keep it all together for so long I didn’t realize I was single-handedly trying to hold each one of the pieces of my broken soul in place. Once I was able to let go, Jesus was able to come in, and His Holy Spirit was able to start doing the job I had been doing all on my own; holding me together.

It was only in that place of brokenness that I was able to start giving Jesus my soul, one piece at a time. Once I began to see that Jesus was indeed safe, I was able to hand over chunks instead of pieces. Two years later I am no longer at the bottom of the pit, but climbing my way back out. It has been a long and intense journey, but I am finally on the upside. I am nowhere near done, but I am no longer drowning in the deep end either.

It can be a scary place, going into a journey of the inner most recesses of your soul. You have no idea what you are going to find there, you only know it’s probably going to be ugly. And worse than having to deal with it yourself, is allowing God to see it as well. Who wants to air all the dirty laundry of the dark places they’ve been hiding to the One who created everything? It seems far to shameful and painful to do.

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.

Isaiah 61:7

Jesus is not ashamed or afraid of these dark places. He is the light and He brings hope. Without Jesus, those dark places inside our soul are going to flourish instead of diminish. They are like a stagnant pond that mosquitoes breed in and it just keeps growing and growing. If we want to bring healing into our hearts, we need to allow the Son to come upon the darkness and wash it all away; just as though it has never been.

That is exactly what Jesus can and will do, if we would only allow Him. We cannot hide from the King of Kings. He sees and knows all, including our deepest and darkest secrets. There is no hiding from the One who created us, and we shouldn’t have too. Only the lies that we are ugly and terrible keep us from His truths, which will bring us the freedom that we so desperately desire.

I know the pain and shame that come. I know the fear and the denial that they bring. Yet these things are not born of God, nor are they born of His love for us. The love of God will drive out fear, pain, and shame, and bring us into the light. Instead of cultivating a cesspool within ourselves, we grow a beautiful garden. Our garden of trust, and love and truth, that will be a sweet-smelling sacrifice to our Lord.

But now thus says the Lordhe who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. 

Isaiah 43:1-2

Love is what overcomes all evil. There is no evil too great for the power of love. God’s love with break down every barrier, slay every enemy, steal back every victory we lost, and reclaim every promise. Our Father wants to do all of this for us, we just have to be willing to walk with Him. He never promised the walk would be easy. What He did promise was that He would be right there, in the midst of all of it, bringing us out of the pit we have endured for so long. I am living proof of it.

So today, look out to the promised land and know that the God who led Abraham into His destiny, is the same God that will lead you into yours. The same God that stopped the sun and the moon in the sky, and brought the Midianites to their knees with jars and trumpets, is the same God who is going to protect you and fight for you. You are not alone, no matter how badly it feels. You are not going to stay in the pit forever, no matter how hopeless you feel. You are a son/daughter of the King, and He is right there with you, right now.

Believe in the hope and glory He has promised you, and fight for it. Never give up fighting to hear His voice, trust Him, believe in His promises, and seek His face. No matter how hard it is. You are worth the price He paid, every drop of it.

On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
    a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
    of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
And he will swallow up on this mountain
    the covering that is cast over all peoples,
    the veil that is spread over all nations.
   He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
    for the Lord has spoken.
 It will be said on that day,
    “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
    This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
    let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”

Isaiah 25:6-9

February 6 2017

Gateway To My Soul

soulIt is so easy to feel overwhelmed, like the weight of the war is simply going to crush your soul. There are times when I am attacked relentlessly for days at a time. There is no break, except to just throw myself into complete denial. The enemy is very decisive in his plans against me, and uses many ways to try to torment me. Recently I have had a long battle with a physical problem; my eyes. Not my eye sight, but with my eyes becoming swollen, itchy, red, watery and painful. Basically my eyes were showing signs of allergic reaction. The problem is, there was no reason for this to happen.

Last summer my then 8 year old son begged me for a guinea pig for a pet. He had been asking for one for months, and I was really against it. I am a huge animal lover, and we already have 3 small dogs and a cat. I have never had any type of rodent and I felt that a guinea pig would just be noisy and messy. However, his birthday was coming up, and I could see his little heart was just swelling with love to give to one of these little creatures. So my husband and I decided after much discussion that it would be OK.

Of course my then 6 year old very much wanted one as well. We are suckers I guess, because we came home with 2 little guinea pigs and a cage, etc. I had no idea I was going to fall madly in love with this little piggies! Within a few weeks I was adopting my own sweet piggie. So our house was filled with hay and love. I had no issues, but after time eventually noticed getting a little itchy after holding my piggie.

After a few more months I decided to adopt one more piggie. I couldn’t resist. It was like a gift from heaven. My pets bring me so much joy in the midst of so much war. About a month later my eyes begin to get very red and itchy. Then suddenly one morning, they were swollen when I woke up. It was out of nowhere. I prayed and tried to find out what was going on. My first suspicion is always human spirits or witchcraft. I am harassed almost daily by these things.

My eyes soon became worse and worse, until I could barely open them in the morning because they were so swollen. I tried to treat it as an allergy and make sure to not touch hay, and wash my hands if I held the pigs, and to take allergy medication. There was no relief in the symptoms. I began addressing the issue in my inner healing sessions, and asking for healing prayer at church, because I knew it had to have a spiritual root, since the problem didn’t arise for so long. I went deep where God led me, and addressed issues of self hate and more.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

If relief would come one day, it would just swell up again the next. I began to become despondent. I began to cry out to God in anger. Why was I continuing to suffer when I was so willing to go into the deep places to find out where I was not  aligned with the mind of Christ, or where I was holding on to hate or needing to forgive. I began to feel that maybe God was punishing me, or that maybe He had given Satan permission to thresh me like wheat. Depression started to overtake me.

The physical symptoms were torturous for me. I already have many daily battles with attack from several groups that harass me and my family, as well as the attack I get from doing my ministry. It was altogether to much for me to continue to deal with daily. Especially when I knew I was continually submitting to the Most High to allow Him to refine me in His fire. I began to wonder if God was going to just keep using this pain to bring me into inner healing constantly. I was very angry.

I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for discernment and healing for this problem. I have had to go very deep in order to really get to the root of this problem. Yes, the devil has used my vulnerability as a means to attack me, but I had to be willing to see and address some very intense personal pain in order to truly find healing for my eyes. A very traumatic experience led me to agree with so many lies about myself, the world, people, and God, that it wreaked havoc in my soul. Yet I had no idea that all of that was inside of me, until my body finally decided to speak up.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

You see, our bodies often communicate with us about deep emotional and spiritual issues that we have never tapped into. Many diseases and illnesses, including mental issues, are rooted in emotional pain or trauma from our past. When painful circumstances happen our lives, especially as children, we learn something from them. Usually what we learn is rooted in a pain identity, that shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.

It does not even have to be something that looks very bad. It could be as simple as having someone embarrass you, or having a parent talk very harshly to you. Every person is different, and what breaks one person may not break the next. Some people are traumatized by a car accident or seeing someone they love get hurt, and that is enough for them to hold on to false beliefs such as God is bad, people will hurt you, love brings pain, and so much more.

You see the world is constantly sending us the message that we are fine, we are independent, and that whatever problem there is, we can handle it on our own. Or maybe with the help from some useful medications. And if we need to rely on God, we are weak. We are worthless. That message is from the devil, who wants nothing more than to kill your soul and steal away your relationship to God. So we don’t look within, because we are too busy trying to be OK.

But we are not. We are not OK. We are broken, we are hurting, we are alone, we are in need. And that is OK! We were created to be whole in an interdependent relationship with Jesus Christ alone. We were created to need Him. We were created to partner with Him. And often times even when we think we are doing good working with God, we are actually only surrendering a small part of our hearts to Him, and keeping the rest for ourselves.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

The bottom line is, we are afraid. If God is so great that He would come down to earth and die for us, then how absolutely horrible must we be? We must be like tiny little ants that are so pathetic that God had to throw us a life line, but really He is just angry at us for everything. Wrong. So wrong. God only came down, giving up His throne and His glory out of pure and complete love. A love that looks at us, our brokenness, and sin, and says “I love you just the way you are.”

It’s the devil who has convinced us we are worthless. God does not even see us as worthless at all. He sees the shame we carry, and He feels sorrow for us, because that shame was never ours in the first place. It was given to us through horrible life circumstances that the devil hand picked for us so we could be in bondage to his lies and deceptions. God is not even mad at us for one second. He only wants us to see how intensely He loves us, so we can lay down all this burden before Him and just let Him hold us close.

God’s love for us can never be tainted or broken. It does not matter what we do or where we have been. God has unconditional love and acceptance for us. So until we can begin to turn over all the broken pieces of our hearts to Him, we are going to stay in bondage to our brokenness. It takes courage and faith to look inside of our broken hearts and let God in. We know it’s ugly, but God wants us to understand that He makes beauty from ashes. If God can create an entire universe with His words, He can certainly turn us into the masterpiece we were made to be.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

Psalm 23:5-6

So if you are struggling with anger at God, or physical or mental illness that won’t stop plaguing you, or you know that you are just falling apart at the seams and you can’t stop it anymore, then you know this message is for you. It is time to surrender. You have been running for a very long time, and you know it has led you nowhere. Now it’s time to come home. And home is right here, inside of you, where your Jesus Christ is already waiting for you.

He wants to bring you healing. He wants to bring you joy. It is possible for you. Jesus did not die in vain, but to give you life in abundance, and victory. You just have to be willing to fight to receive the gift that Jesus is freely giving you. The devil has been allowed to make strongholds in your heart, and it’s time to do the work to tear them all down. You can do this, if you are just willing to partner with Jesus.

After being so disheartened, God has revealed to me some important truths. While my eyes are not yet getting better, He is allowing this because I need to understand the depth of this issue. There were many events that took place that have trampled on my soul, and understanding these things is going to bring healing so deep that its going to restore gifts that the enemy tried to steal.

Not every healing is going to come immediately. Sometimes it needs to happen in layers. God does not turn His back on us ever. If you have been praying for a miracle healing and you haven’t seen it yet, it is time to press in and allow the Spirit to move you where He knows you need to go.

No matter what, always remember, we are not flesh and blood, but spirits that are eternal. We are going to cast off this bodies one day, and never remember the pain and suffering we have had to endure. So set your eyes on the eternal truths, and on Jesus Christ Himself.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
 So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4