February 6 2017

Gateway To My Soul

soulIt is so easy to feel overwhelmed, like the weight of the war is simply going to crush your soul. There are times when I am attacked relentlessly for days at a time. There is no break, except to just throw myself into complete denial. The enemy is very decisive in his plans against me, and uses many ways to try to torment me. Recently I have had a long battle with a physical problem; my eyes. Not my eye sight, but with my eyes becoming swollen, itchy, red, watery and painful. Basically my eyes were showing signs of allergic reaction. The problem is, there was no reason for this to happen.

Last summer my then 8 year old son begged me for a guinea pig for a pet. He had been asking for one for months, and I was really against it. I am a huge animal lover, and we already have 3 small dogs and a cat. I have never had any type of rodent and I felt that a guinea pig would just be noisy and messy. However, his birthday was coming up, and I could see his little heart was just swelling with love to give to one of these little creatures. So my husband and I decided after much discussion that it would be OK.

Of course my then 6 year old very much wanted one as well. We are suckers I guess, because we came home with 2 little guinea pigs and a cage, etc. I had no idea I was going to fall madly in love with this little piggies! Within a few weeks I was adopting my own sweet piggie. So our house was filled with hay and love. I had no issues, but after time eventually noticed getting a little itchy after holding my piggie.

After a few more months I decided to adopt one more piggie. I couldn’t resist. It was like a gift from heaven. My pets bring me so much joy in the midst of so much war. About a month later my eyes begin to get very red and itchy. Then suddenly one morning, they were swollen when I woke up. It was out of nowhere. I prayed and tried to find out what was going on. My first suspicion is always human spirits or witchcraft. I am harassed almost daily by these things.

My eyes soon became worse and worse, until I could barely open them in the morning because they were so swollen. I tried to treat it as an allergy and make sure to not touch hay, and wash my hands if I held the pigs, and to take allergy medication. There was no relief in the symptoms. I began addressing the issue in my inner healing sessions, and asking for healing prayer at church, because I knew it had to have a spiritual root, since the problem didn’t arise for so long. I went deep where God led me, and addressed issues of self hate and more.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

If relief would come one day, it would just swell up again the next. I began to become despondent. I began to cry out to God in anger. Why was I continuing to suffer when I was so willing to go into the deep places to find out where I was not  aligned with the mind of Christ, or where I was holding on to hate or needing to forgive. I began to feel that maybe God was punishing me, or that maybe He had given Satan permission to thresh me like wheat. Depression started to overtake me.

The physical symptoms were torturous for me. I already have many daily battles with attack from several groups that harass me and my family, as well as the attack I get from doing my ministry. It was altogether to much for me to continue to deal with daily. Especially when I knew I was continually submitting to the Most High to allow Him to refine me in His fire. I began to wonder if God was going to just keep using this pain to bring me into inner healing constantly. I was very angry.

I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for discernment and healing for this problem. I have had to go very deep in order to really get to the root of this problem. Yes, the devil has used my vulnerability as a means to attack me, but I had to be willing to see and address some very intense personal pain in order to truly find healing for my eyes. A very traumatic experience led me to agree with so many lies about myself, the world, people, and God, that it wreaked havoc in my soul. Yet I had no idea that all of that was inside of me, until my body finally decided to speak up.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

Psalm 23:1-3

You see, our bodies often communicate with us about deep emotional and spiritual issues that we have never tapped into. Many diseases and illnesses, including mental issues, are rooted in emotional pain or trauma from our past. When painful circumstances happen our lives, especially as children, we learn something from them. Usually what we learn is rooted in a pain identity, that shapes who we are for the rest of our lives.

It does not even have to be something that looks very bad. It could be as simple as having someone embarrass you, or having a parent talk very harshly to you. Every person is different, and what breaks one person may not break the next. Some people are traumatized by a car accident or seeing someone they love get hurt, and that is enough for them to hold on to false beliefs such as God is bad, people will hurt you, love brings pain, and so much more.

You see the world is constantly sending us the message that we are fine, we are independent, and that whatever problem there is, we can handle it on our own. Or maybe with the help from some useful medications. And if we need to rely on God, we are weak. We are worthless. That message is from the devil, who wants nothing more than to kill your soul and steal away your relationship to God. So we don’t look within, because we are too busy trying to be OK.

But we are not. We are not OK. We are broken, we are hurting, we are alone, we are in need. And that is OK! We were created to be whole in an interdependent relationship with Jesus Christ alone. We were created to need Him. We were created to partner with Him. And often times even when we think we are doing good working with God, we are actually only surrendering a small part of our hearts to Him, and keeping the rest for ourselves.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

The bottom line is, we are afraid. If God is so great that He would come down to earth and die for us, then how absolutely horrible must we be? We must be like tiny little ants that are so pathetic that God had to throw us a life line, but really He is just angry at us for everything. Wrong. So wrong. God only came down, giving up His throne and His glory out of pure and complete love. A love that looks at us, our brokenness, and sin, and says “I love you just the way you are.”

It’s the devil who has convinced us we are worthless. God does not even see us as worthless at all. He sees the shame we carry, and He feels sorrow for us, because that shame was never ours in the first place. It was given to us through horrible life circumstances that the devil hand picked for us so we could be in bondage to his lies and deceptions. God is not even mad at us for one second. He only wants us to see how intensely He loves us, so we can lay down all this burden before Him and just let Him hold us close.

God’s love for us can never be tainted or broken. It does not matter what we do or where we have been. God has unconditional love and acceptance for us. So until we can begin to turn over all the broken pieces of our hearts to Him, we are going to stay in bondage to our brokenness. It takes courage and faith to look inside of our broken hearts and let God in. We know it’s ugly, but God wants us to understand that He makes beauty from ashes. If God can create an entire universe with His words, He can certainly turn us into the masterpiece we were made to be.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

Psalm 23:5-6

So if you are struggling with anger at God, or physical or mental illness that won’t stop plaguing you, or you know that you are just falling apart at the seams and you can’t stop it anymore, then you know this message is for you. It is time to surrender. You have been running for a very long time, and you know it has led you nowhere. Now it’s time to come home. And home is right here, inside of you, where your Jesus Christ is already waiting for you.

He wants to bring you healing. He wants to bring you joy. It is possible for you. Jesus did not die in vain, but to give you life in abundance, and victory. You just have to be willing to fight to receive the gift that Jesus is freely giving you. The devil has been allowed to make strongholds in your heart, and it’s time to do the work to tear them all down. You can do this, if you are just willing to partner with Jesus.

After being so disheartened, God has revealed to me some important truths. While my eyes are not yet getting better, He is allowing this because I need to understand the depth of this issue. There were many events that took place that have trampled on my soul, and understanding these things is going to bring healing so deep that its going to restore gifts that the enemy tried to steal.

Not every healing is going to come immediately. Sometimes it needs to happen in layers. God does not turn His back on us ever. If you have been praying for a miracle healing and you haven’t seen it yet, it is time to press in and allow the Spirit to move you where He knows you need to go.

No matter what, always remember, we are not flesh and blood, but spirits that are eternal. We are going to cast off this bodies one day, and never remember the pain and suffering we have had to endure. So set your eyes on the eternal truths, and on Jesus Christ Himself.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
 So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

January 9 2017

2017: A Year of Healing and Restoration

healingAs I write this, it is officially 2017. We have moved into a new year and a new time of anointing on God’s people. Everywhere I look I see confirmation that this new year is going to bring many mighty works of God’s people for His Kingdom, and I am so excited! Last year was quite difficult for me. I got very deeply into my inner healing where I began to learn some terrifying truths of my life. I was actually raised in the occult and was subject to countless satanic rituals and other horrific abuse.

It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this as my reality. My whole life I knew things were bad, but I always got by in telling myself that a lot of people had it worse than I had. When I began feeling suicidal at 13, a feeling that persisted throughout most of my life, I had no idea why I wanted to die so badly. I just knew that there was more pain in my heart than I could bear any longer and I wanted out of this terrible world.

As I began to go through my weekly inner healing sessions, the pieces of my life began to come together. I slowly began to make sense of the fact that I could not remember most of my childhood, or what happened to my favorite teddy bear that suddenly disappeared, or why I couldn’t stop fantasizing about death, and why I was so attracted to darkness and witchcraft. However, I also came into some major revelations about the heart of the Father. And oh how magnificent they are.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 106:1

God has used every bit of my healing to bring me deeper and further into the truth of who He is. He is so good. He is loving, and kind, and patient. I have done terrible things during these satanic rituals. Things I had no choice but to do. I have accepted rights, agreements, gifts, and demons into my very being, time and time again. I felt dirty, ugly, evil, terrible, and more. I knew in my heart I was irredeemable and unforgivable in the eyes of God. I was ashamed and full of self hatred for what I had done. But my Father told me time and time again, I was beautiful, perfect, completely redeemed and forgiven. Beloved.

I have cried a thousand tears as I felt the shame and hatred, and then the love and awe wash over me. How can someone as terrible as me, possibly be loved by God? One by one, God has torn down so many strongholds within me, keeping me in bondage through lies and false belief systems. I truly believed that God too was terrible and evil, mean, cruel, judgmental, hateful. Many places inside my soul that were created for this purpose have been tore asunder and restored into who God designed me to be.

I am not saying I am done with healing. As a matter of fact I actually have a long way to go. When you have gone through the extremes that I have, healing is a long process and journey. I am OK with that. Each person has their own path into healing and freedom, and it is going to be different. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, it just matters that you are willing to do the work. If you want to come out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, you have to be willing to do the work.

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Exodus 13:18

When the Israelites came out of Egypt, they were willing to do the initial work to leave, and after that they wanted to continually give up and go back to their oppression. That is where many people get stuck. They are willing to take some initial steps into healing and freedom, but when the journey gets difficult and the road takes turns they weren’t expecting, they abandon the journey altogether and go back to captivity. It is easy to live in captivity, when it is all you have known your whole life.

However, if this is true, then you are not living on the feast of the Word of God. You are living by sight and feelings, which are completely unreliable. The devil has spent years working to twist the truth into something that looks right, but is completely false. Just like he did in the Garden of Eden. If the devil can get you to believe his lies about God, no matter how small they may seem, he has accomplished a great work within you.

The work I have been doing in healing has been incredibly hard. There have been many times I wanted to give up, or run away from it all. Who wants this as their reality? Yet through it all God has given me many promises. He has promised to escalate my healing and bring forth my testimony to the world, and He has done so. He has given me many more promises and insight that I cling to, knowing that my Father never goes back on His word. He has given me divine truths that are sweeter than honey in my mouth. All this has made my journey completely worthwhile.

 

I know there are many people out there asking, what is the next step for me? They feel so lost, so alone, and so scared. I understand, because I have been there, standing on the shore, waiting for hope to come rescue me. However, all I could see was a dark cloud looming over me, keeping me from seeing the light that was stretching beyond the shore and into eternity. It was all I could perceive, and therefore all I believed.

It is time to take a leap of faith my beloveds. It is time to dive deeply into the truth of who God is, and start combating the lies of the enemy that have become so prevalent in your soul. When we have more of us aligned with the truths of the Kingdom of Darkness than God’s Kingdom, then we are not going to be able to see the truth of who God is, or who we are. We are all mighty Kingdom Warriors. We are all anointed for a purpose here on this earth. We are all sons and daughters of the Most High God. This are truths from God’s very Word. We need to begin feasting on these truths, day and night, until we can begin to see a break in the clouds and know that our Redeemer is already here.

It is not easy to leave the land of Egypt. Her ways are seductive and powerful, and we feel helpless to untangle ourselves from this huge mess we blame ourselves or God for. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. He is the maker of the heavens and the earth. He created all people and all things. Through Him, everything was made, for a purpose, and it is good. Yes there is evil in this world, but it did not come from the hand of God. It came from the work of sin and rebellion and witchcraft, that we have each willingly taken part in.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:18

Why would God make a people who would eventually turn on Him, and blame Him for all their mistakes? Love. God is love and I pray everyone has a revelation of even a fraction of His love. God knew exactly what would happen, and He created us anyway. Because His love is so vast, so deep and so long, that He cannot help but love us. No matter what. No matter what you have done. No matter who you are. Jesus loves you.

Jesus is the Light of the World, and He wants to bring that light into your heart. He is patient; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will never leave you nor abandon you. He is with you always, even until the end of time. So He will walk with you through your process. He will bring you to where you need to go. He will stand with you when you face many trials, and He will carry you when you fall, broken.

I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20

Jesus is good. Trust in Him, and trust in His words. Get into the Word of God today and highlight every place where it talks about the patient, loving, kind nature of God. Highlight every place where it says He is with us, protects us, strengthens us, never leaves us, and the many other promises. Meditate on them day and night. Feed your dry and barren soul with these truths. That is your next step. Then let Jesus take care of the rest.

God knows where you are. He knows where you need to go, and when you need to leave. He is going to take you there. Trust in Jesus, not in self. Trust that Jesus is leading the way and then just follow. You can do this, because the strength of God and the Light of Christ reside inside of you. I love you all.

The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

September 12 2016

Redeeming My Life From The Pit

the pitIt has been about a year since I began my journey into inner healing. It has been quite a wild ride for me so far. When I first ventured into inner healing, I had no idea what I was even getting myself into. All I knew is that I was tired of being angry and sick and knew that God had made too many promises for me to live a life on victory to keep walking in pain. Yet I had no idea that when I begged God to help me to be better and to be closer to Him, that it would involve me walking into the deepest and darkest places of my soul. I had to come to grips with things about myself and about my life that many people will never begin to even fathom.

As I journeyed into myself, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was horrified at what I found. Not only was I a child of the occult, who had participated in countless satanic rituals, but I was still connected with darkness in so many ways. On the outside I had fully pledged to give my life to Jesus Christ. I knew God and loved Him. I had seen His face and felt His presence. How could I possibly have any connection with darkness at all? I had renounced everything I had ever done wrong about a zillion times!

Yet there it was, staring me boldly in the face: I was still doing witchcraft and I had no idea. How can this be??? Well to understand why a person who is fully committed to Jesus Christ can do witchcraft and not know it, you will have to understand more about witchcraft itself. Witchcraft (which I have broken down step by step in this video) is not only about doing spells and rituals around an alter. When you get right down to what witchcraft is, it is simply using the power of the demonic inside of you paired with your intent to cause change around you.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4;16

This means all you have to do is think angry thoughts about someone, and if you have any connections with darkness, you have just done witchcraft, because those demons use that intent within you to carry it out against that person. It is really that simple and easy to do. Literally anyone can do witchcraft. The devil has tried very hard to create an image of what witchcraft is that is not the entire truth. Yes, there are people out there who identify as witches and use witchcraft as a lifestyle and religion, but that does not mean that only these witches do witchcraft.

It took me a long time to understand what witchcraft truly was. I had to go through many healing sessions in order to understand why I was still doing it, and how it all started and why I was still connected to darkness. I had to forgive myself for doing it and love myself through it. Through a lot of pain and abuse I was forced to choose witchcraft and I had a lot of hidden places inside of me that I was not consciously aware of still choosing witchcraft over God. Because I was not consciously aware of this, I was not able to disconnect those places from the darkness.

It was not until I was willing to go into theses deep and hidden places within myself that I was able to allow Jesus to show them to me. I could never have gone there on my own. These places are so filled with pain and trauma that it was not possible to even look at them without the help of God Himself. He had to walk with me and protect me in these places, so that He could bring healing to them which would allow me to disconnect from darkness.

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security. 

Jeremiah 33:6

I know for some it sounds very scary and terrifying to even think that this could be reality. Not just the pain and trauma, but walking with darkness and not even knowing it. What Christian (or even non Christian really) wants to think they might be doing witchcraft and not even know it?? None! I know I certainly didn’t! But the truth is, that because I have been willing to know this truth, I have been able to find incredible freedom!!

Going into these dark places has brought me to the lowest of lows; the pit. The pit is a terrible place to be. You feel alone, lost, confused, bewildered, depressed, angry, rejected, hated, and more. When you are in the pit, you cannot see out. You can see daylight, but it’s too far away to matter to you. I am not going to lie; this past year has been like hell for me. There have been times I wanted to die. There have been times I hated God and was ready to walk away from Him. There were times when I scared my husband because he really thought I was going to harm myself and he wasn’t home.

Healing isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty. But sometimes you have to get to the lowest of lows in order to start climbing back to the heights again. I lost my deep sense of connection with God. I lost myself. But how can you not loose everything when your whole world is shaken? The very core of who I thought I was, was torn asunder. I was left with nothing. Nothing but the Rock on which I stand. It is that Rock which has carried me through, even when I didn’t care to hear His name, because the pain was more than I could possibly bear.

He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure.

Psalm 40:2

Every healing journey will be different. Every person’s life and past is different. But there is one thing that is always the same: our human emotions. And they will always threaten to take over and bring us to places we don’t think we can ever handle. But we will, if we have already built a foundation on Jesus Christ. No matter what we go through or walk into, Jesus Christ will redeem us from it. Always.

During the past year as I fell deep into the pit, so did everything around me. My relationships, my house, my body. I gained a lot of weight, my house was always a mess, I could barely cook a decent meal and for a time we basically lived on fast food and frozen meals. I hated myself for it too. It was my job to clean and cook and take care of the house and I couldn’t even do that. Some days all I could do was just keep breathing and stay alive. It really was that difficult.

Yet here I sit today, on a Monday of all days, writing about the immense hope and joy God has given me through this process. I am nowhere near done, but I am so very thankful for where I am. Mondays have been the worst day of every week for several months. I have had the most spiritual attack on Mondays because of my blog, and it has come from several sources that are very powerful. Monday has been a day where I barely make it through the day because I am so overwhelmed by the attack against me. The curse is over my friends, and now I sit rejoicing!

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us

Romans 5:3-5

Last Monday was the third Monday in a row that I felt good. I mean really good. I decided to start on the housework that had been neglected for a very long time. As I was scrubbing my shower that was so moldy it was black around the bottom, I was praising God and rejoicing. I felt amazing that I was cleaning this disgusting mold up, because three weeks prior, I wouldn’t even have been able to even consider cleaning the shower. I would have looked at it and felt shame and self hatred.

Yet there I was, working my butt off and loving it! It felt so good! In the past two weeks I have started working on getting healthier and getting organized. I am starting to loose some weight and exercise and clean and I am feeling so thankful for it. I am not saying I feel great every day, or that I am even back to where I was before I started all of this, because I am not. But the days of the pit are over, and I pray that I will not go back.

Recently I was reading the book ‘School of Prophets’ by Kris Valloton, a really amazing book, and I came to a really important revelation. I want to walk in the call God has for me, and I want to help people. I want to be able to maybe speak to groups of people and pray for them and write a book someday and do so much more with my ministry. I have been very upset that my ministry seems to small and unimportant in the scope of the big picture of things. I have actually been angry and sad about it. In this book there is a “Core Values Assessment Test” and as I read through the questions, it as like a smack in the face. I have so far left to go on my healing journey.

woods-768753_1920I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. If I want to walk in the call God has given me, if I want to reach the full potential that He has created in me, and if I want to do the amazing things He has shown me are possible, then I need to keep doing the work. And even though I have been in the pit, and have been so broken and lost, God has still used me. What an incredible miracle! God has such grace upon His children. Because I have been willing to walk out my healing and surrender to His love, He has been growing my ministry and using me in incredible ways. I am so very thankful for that.

So for today, I am going to focus on today. I am not going to focus on wondering what my future holds, or what my next healing session holds, but instead I will focus on getting better today, loving my family today, and living with Jesus today. I know that healing can seem terrifying and maybe like too much work. But today, I invite you to let go of all of your fears and anxieties and give them to God, your Father. He cares so much for you. He knows the struggles you have and why, and all He wants is to bring you to the person He created you to be.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

This world has molded and shaped you into it’s own liking, and has caused you to fall so far from the glory of God in your life. It’s not just about our sin, but about our willingness to go inside ourselves and see where we need healing and reshaping by the very hands of God. Jesus knows you already, and knows all the dark places inside of you. He does not hate you or look down on you for them. Even if it turns out you are connected with darkness and doing witchcraft. He doesn’t care about that: He cares about your heart and He cares about you. He loves you and He wants the best for you: being who He created you to be.

There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ. There is only love, grace and mercy. That is my testimony. The love of God will set you free, if only you are willing to choose it, and love Him more than yourself. If you refuse to look into those dark places (with His help) and walk into healing with Him, then you are choosing yourself over God. Wanting to stay in denial is not going to help you, but only cause you, and those you love more harm. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Let Him bring you freedom, and life! No it will not be easy. No it will not always feel good. Yes it takes a lot of work and time, but each and every one of us needs to go there.

If you are in the pit today, take heart that there is hope for you! The pit is only a temporary place, no matter what it feels like right now. Jesus Christ is our hope and glory and if you keep giving your life and yourself over to Him, you will be redeemed. He has promised this. If you know there is more for you in this life, yet no matter what you have done it is still just out of arm’s reach; then know that this is a sign for you. It is your turn beloved. It is your time to walk into healing with Jesus Christ.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5

June 6 2016

Surrendering To Pain

painToday I feel like a outpatient that has just gone through major surgery. On the outside I may appear normal (although I am doubtful of that), but on the inside I have just gone under the microscope and had tumors removed from my soul by the hand of Jesus Christ. That may sound like a strange phenomena, but that is exactly what I go through, every week. Some weeks the surgery is fairly easy and I get out with a short recovery time. and little pain. Other weeks I need to be quiet and rest, letting the procedure take hold in the depths of who I am. Recovery takes longer because the pain was more intense.

What is this surgery you ask, and how can it possibly be good for me? Well these weekly procedures are what I like to call “inner healing“. I started my journey into inner healing last spring. It actually started with just a wonderful Biblical prayer counselor, but then that abruptly ended because God had bigger plans for my healing. The Biblical prayer counseling helped me to get an understanding of the anger I had been dealing with for my whole life. What I learned is that anger, as well as anxiety, fear, bitterness, depression, and other related feelings, are a secondary emotion to pain. Pain is the root of all feelings outside of the love and joy God has created us to have.

Pain is a sneaky little thing really. It always seems to hit you out of nowhere, blindsiding you and then leaving a mess in the wake of it. You are left looking around you wondering what happened and how did you end up on the floor? Most of the time when pain comes we are so unprepared we have no idea how to deal with it. It is a very messy and ugly feeling, and makes us feel powerless and ashamed of our weakness. Yet instead of reaching out to Jesus, the conqueror of death and hell, we usually shove that pain right back in where it came from, so we can just try to get back up and move on with life. What we don’t realize is that pain comes for a reason, and no matter how bad it feels, Jesus will still work it for our good, if we just allow Him to do so.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

What really is the point of pain, you might ask. Pain is a place to meet the grace and love of God. It is a place where the enemy works very hard to get you, because he believes it is in that place he can destroy you. That is not the point of view God takes, however. God sees us in the midst of this pain, and He sees a sweet and beloved child who needs Him desperately. Yet when He begins to reach down to lend a hand out of the pit, we ignore it in favor of climbing out on our own. We need to feel self-sufficient and capable because the world tells us that we are worthless otherwise. Only the weak and pathetic sit in pain, the devil tells us. Wrong. It takes immense strength and resilience to sit in the pain and call on the name of Jesus to bring healing to it.

When I first started my inner healing sessions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was surrendering to God’s will, but I had no idea He was about to uncover a mass of memories that had been suppressed for my entire life. He started off small, letting me learn more about who I am in Christ. He also started to reveal places of pain that I was already aware of, yet had tried to suppress. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t that difficult either. Really, I was just dipping my toes into tepid water at that point.

The real difficulty came just a couple of months in. The sessions always start of with prayer, and giving everything over to the will of the Holy Spirit to do what He knows needs to be done. Every person can handle what they can, and God knows what those things are. God had been building me up in strength for a very long time, I just had no idea. I had finally come to this place in time where the healing could begin. The funny thing is, healing never feels like healing. It feels like when you break a bone and it heals incorrectly, then it has to be broken again to heal correctly. Pain upon pain. Then you have the time it takes to wait for the complete healing and restoration of the bone. It takes time, patience and effort on your part to take care of yourself through the healing process. Sounds like a blast right? Of course not. But joy will still abound, when you rest in the faith of Jesus Christ.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

When the memories come, they often come in slowly, one thing at a time. I am in a darkened room. It is a small room, with no windows. It is cold and lifeless and scary, lit by candles. There are three men in black robes, and my grandmother. I am chained to the wall. I am only about 2 years old. I am scared out of my mind. Why would my grandmother bring me to this awful place? At this point, I did not even know where I actually was, which was at the Mormon church. Over time I would be very familiar with this room.

The men are chanting. They are calling upon evil spirits, and channeling them. I am being molested by my own grandmother. It is terrifying to me. Yet it is not the first time she has molested me, I just don’t remember it at that time. The men are calling upon spirits of evil because they want to channel them into me. The sexual stimulation is for the purpose of filling me with fear and pain, so that I will be open to receive what they have to offer. I can see what is happening around me, yet I can hardly comprehend.

It was very hard to see this memory, as I had no idea, and I mean no idea, that I had ever experienced anything of this nature in my life. I am in shock as the Holy Spirit recalls it to my memory, piece by piece. Yet it is real. How can it be. How? Yet there is some hope in the memory. Before the man who has channeled the demon can summon it upon me, a strong gust of wind blows through the room. It is an impossible wind, in a room with no windows. Yet it blows so fiercely that the candles go out and the man is knocked to the ground. The demon spirit is chased away by the power of it. It was the Holy Spirit. The men are filled with fear, and my grandmother is enraged. The spirit is gone and will not come back this time, so the ritual must end. For now.

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:6-7

The man scrambles off the floor as another relights the candles. I don’t understand what is happening, but I do know the presence of God when I feel it. I had already been in communication with God; already had talked with Him personally even at this tender young age. For some all this sounds impossible, and improbable. I wish it was. Yet in this world the devil has a foothold so deep that he has convinced us that he does not even exist. I am not alone in these experiences. There are many just like me. Yet they do not remember. They cannot remember. To remember without the Holy Spirit is virtually impossible, and to attempt to do so could send someone to insanity.

It is extremely dangerous to attempt to recover any memories of abuse without the help of God. He has to be the one to reveal them when He knows you are ready. Once He reveals them He shows you how they affected your beliefs and the way you see God and the world. He then removes the impact of what has been done to your soul through the moments He shows you. He brings you healing and begins to redeem what was bad, trading it for something good. This could never be done without God. The part He plays in this is vital and essential.

This was the first ritual I that I become aware of. It is like a horror movie has come true, and I am the star. Yet the fact that I feel it is unreal and a horror movie speaks volumes about what this experience has taught me. It has taught me that the world is evil, nowhere is safe, the devil has control, and more things of that nature. Yet I still hung on to the hope of God in that moment. I still clung to Him desperately. That would change eventually though, as they realized the power of God that was already inside of me.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

child-running-1082102_1920I do not think I am special. I do not think my experiences or abuse is worse than anyone else. Abuse in itself is traumatic and rips apart the fabric of your soul, no matter what the abuse is. It is evil in its nature, and it’s intent is to tear you down, so the devil can build you back up, just as he wants you to be. Weak, afraid, and susceptible to his viewpoints of life. That is why it is imperative to follow Jesus into the pain. The pain wants to control us and hold us down, but God wants to use it to teach us, to empower us, to strengthen us, and to build us in our identity in Christ. I have not wanted to know these bad things that have happened to me. Not once. They only get worse from here, every single time.

Yet I have continued for 9 months, and I have no idea when I’ll be done. Do I consider myself strong? Not by a long shot. But because I have trusted in God, even just a tiny bit, I have been willing to walk through this with Him. His mighty right hand has uplifted me, and strengthened me, just enough to get through each day. I have wanted to die. I have begged God to take me home, because I am done with this life. It has been harsh, cruel, and a living hell. But God says He wants me here, if I can just keep hanging on. He has promised to redeem it all, and give me something beautiful in return. I honestly have no idea how that is possible, but I have heard that nothing is impossible with God. So I chose to remind myself of that promise, even if it is hard to believe. So far He has been faithful and True to His word to me. So I keep fighting the good fight.

And you can too. I know you are not me, but you are here because you know you have pain and you know you are hiding from it. So I just want to give you encouraging words. If I can do this, I am most certain you can, because Jesus can. And if Jesus can, anyone who trusts in Him can. Do you trust Him, even just a tiny bit? Ok. Then my beautiful sweet friend, you can.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

May 9 2016

Don’t Retreat From God’s Will

retreatHave you ever been in a situation that was 100% out of your comfort zone? Where you feel like you just don’t belong and either you aren’t ready or aren’t qualified? It seems that God has me in these types of situations often, as I am willing to keep surrendering my will to His. And no matter how upset I get about the leadings I feel tugging my heart, I still keep surrendering to His will. Upset may not be the right word. Often times I get down right angry about where I feel the Holy Spirit directing me. It seems like pure madness sometimes! Yet I somehow am able to continue to trust in God, even though there are still parts of my relationship with Him that are so broken.

This past weekend was another one of those times where I was 100% out of my comfort zone. I went to my church women’s retreat. Now I know to some that may sound odd that I was uncomfortable at a women’s retreat; a place where women are supposed to relax and rejuvenate; but this is not the case for me. First of all, I am a home body. I love to be with my family and sleep in my own bed, where my husband is. Not to mention my adorable puppy who is so sweet to me. Second of all, I am going through a very difficult time. Last summer I began a journey of healing where I began to uncover memories of satanic ritual abuse in my childhood. This has absolutely shaken my world to the core. I am going through healing sessions on a weekly basis. I am recovering new memories pretty often still. It has been rough, to say the least.

It is hard to explain really how hard this has been on me. And when I explain these things, it is without intention for people to feel sorry for me. Quite the opposite. Instead I would prefer that people understand the truth about satanic ritual abuse and how real it is in our world today. On a weekly basis I struggle often to do the basics that a wife and mother should do. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I have gone through a period of at least 2 months where I just could not cook. And I previously loved to cook and bake. The house was becoming a disaster and the laundry has been sitting in baskets in the living room. Pretty embarrassing if someone happened to drop by. I expect more of myself obviously, being that it is basically my job.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Thank God for a husband that is so understanding and helpful. He does not complain about a messy house or eating frozen lasagna and things like that for dinner all week-long. Nor does he complain that I stopped making his lunches and healthy snacks for him to take to work. I feel awful of course, but I have finally gotten to the point where I am as OK with it as I am going to be. I mean, rightfully I should be in the corner drooling after learning the things I have about my abuse. It is horrific to say the least, yet here I am, still functioning at all. I guess it is a miracle, really.

So back to the retreat. I really never had the intention of going. Like I said, I am a home body. I would prefer to go away for the weekend with my husband to be honest. My husband is my safe place, and getting away with him would be amazing. But I digress. The retreat had two big things going for it that really drew me in. Worship and food. What women would not enjoy a weekend of no meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking? Lovely! And worship, well that is where my heart is. Right in the hands of God the Father, adoring Him and basking in His presence. I knew the worship leader and knew the worship would be awesome! After much prayer I knew it was God’s will, even though I really, really did not want to go. I actually cried and whined many times leading up to the day. Yes I did.

I decided to put on my big girl panties on and go though, taking a new friend I met in a support group. We hadn’t known each other long, but I was excited for her to experience God that weekend. I was very nervous because not only do I prefer to be at home, but also I really struggle with people lately. Especially church people. To be fair, all of my abuse happened at church. It was a Mormon church, but try explaining to a young child that a Mormon church is not a real church. You can’t. That was my life, and church was Christian to me. It was where God was, and God was who left me to be abused by church people.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

So while I completely recognize that the people at my church are not abusing me, I also understand that there is a little girl inside of me who feels that church people are evil and hurt you. It is a part of my healing journey. So it was hard to feel safe around people, especially when I already feel the other moms my age have rejected me completely. Not to say they are rude to me, but I guess standoffish would be a better word. Certainly never warm and inviting. And for someone like me, who is trying to cope with the thoughts and beliefs that have grown out of abuse, it is particularly hard. I know they can’t understand where I am coming from, yet that little girl is very, very hurt nonetheless.

I have to say, I am a sharer. I have no qualms about being open and sharing my self and my life, especially when it comes to what God has done. So when our cabin had cabin time, I was open and shared some of what I have been going through. It was difficult and painful for me, yet I did it because I knew it was right. Somehow though during that first evening I was triggered and started on a downward spiral that went into the next day.

A trigger according to psychcentral.com “is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.” I have these at least a few times a month, and I never know when one is going to pop up, or what might set it off. People cannot understand what it is and why it happens, so I have never attempted to explain it to anyone. I am not even sure what triggered me that night, because there was so much going on, I was really overwhelmed. It could have just been me sharing with a group of strangers and triggering a feeling of being unsafe. Whatever it was, I was in a bad state that went to worse, and by noon the next day I was on the porch of the building I was staying in, rocking like mad in a rocking chair, playing worship music to try to not completely lose it.

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

Psalm 91:4-6

A friend asked me to take a walk and I had to decline. I was shaking and everything inside of me was freaking out. I mean I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Apparently I kept it together pretty well, because no one noticed anything amiss. God is that good. I was able to talk on the phone (another miracle, because the cell service was terrible!) to the person I do inner healing with. She was able to walk me through, with the help of Jesus, into a place where I could heal some trauma and get into a stable place. I was really thinking I was going to have to go home. Yet I actually did not want to. At this place I had really felt the presence of God. Even just sitting out on the rocking chair with the wind blowing, I could feel the Holy Spirit stirring me and speaking clearly to me. I wanted more of that.

It has been a long time since I felt that close to God. Part of my abuse is being told God had abandoned me and Jesus was abusing me. So I have gone through a time of being extremely hurt and angry with God. I am healing that and it’s getting better. So I was relishing it the moments of feeling Him so closely during this retreat. It was absolutely wonderful. We had 5 different worship sessions! I was ecstatic! It was so moving and so wonderful. It was what got me through the weekend.

I did met some very lovely ladies at the retreat. I did have some great learning moments from the speaker as well. Yet by the time I got home I was on overload. Emotionally and spiritually I was at rock bottom. On a spiritual level there was so much witchcraft coming at me I got to the point where I stopped being able to discern it. Witchcraft is a very real part of my life, because as I have been separating myself from it (its from the satanic rituals I was in as a child) I am learning so much more about it. It is everywhere. No place is exempt, least of all Christian places. People do it and they often have no idea. That does not make them bad or evil, it just means they do not know. I am learning to distinguish it and protect myself from it everywhere I go. But that is another story.

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

John 7:24

Coming home was a wonderful relief. I have to say, I was absolutely kicking myself for going though. Part of me did not feel that it was worth it to be on complete overload. The other part of me enjoyed not taking care of the house and kids, and eating great food and worshiping. That brings me back to the will of God. Did God know that the weekend was going to be difficult for me? Yes. Did He know that I was going to be triggered, or be overloaded spiritually? Yes. God knew all these things. Yet He also knew that I would spend two hours worshiping Him through art, or that I would connect with some lovely ladies that made me feel very special. And God uses all things for our good, even bad things. So He was able to use the trigger I had over the weekend to bring me more healing in my session just a few days later. He is a worker of miracles, which all stem from His love. Nothing is too big for our Daddy. He knew what I could handle, and He led me there. I as unsure, but I trusted in Him anyway. It was difficult, but I made it through, and stronger in some ways I am sure.

artretreatAs a matter of fact, this weekend has taught me a lot about setting boundaries. I have realized it is OK to say no to people, or groups, because sometimes saying no is for your own health (emotional, spiritual or otherwise). It is OK to take a break from church related activities, or even church itself, because church does not make you Christian. Following Jesus makes you Christian. And sometimes Jesus leads you to those uncomfortable places that fall far away from what you think your life should look like. As long as you are willing to listen, and to follow, He will get you through it, and bring good out of it too. He is just that good.

My prayer for you is that you would be willing to surrender to God’s will in your life right now. I know He is asking you to do something that is far too hard for you to do. But no matter what it is, He is not going to leave you alone in it. He is going to walk with you through it, and see that it works for your good. You just have to be willing; you don’t have to even be brave. Look at me: I was a total whiner and God did not even mind one bit! Life is a new adventure waiting for you, if you will just surrender it to Jesus Christ. He is the One that will take you to places you never dreamed were possible, and He will use them to train you to help others go there too. Bless you!

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

James 4:10