July 12 2017

Prayers For Ritual Abuse Survivors

Here are prayers I have written, by guidance of the Holy Spirit, that can help ease some of the pain and torment a ritual abuse survivor endures.

 

 

Prayer To Stop Witchcraft Coming From Alters

Lord Jesus, I want to align every part of me with the Spirit of the Most High God right now. I want no part in evil works for the devils kingdom, such as witchcraft, astral rituals, or accepting assignments. I cancel every assignment or form of witchcraft coming from any of my alters right now in the name of Jesus Christ. I ask Jesus to stop all programming right now in Jesus name.

I am asking you right now Lord Jesus, to come inside of me and supersede the free will of every one of my alters that is participating in witchcraft or any works for the kingdom of darkness. I choose the true Lord Jesus Christ as my master and Lord and no other spirit. I choose love and peace and hope and joy. Bring every part of me into hope for freedom and the love of God, which is matchless and pure.

Bring any parts of me that are triggered into a place of rest and healing. Align my body, mind and soul with where you need me to be Lord, right now, because I am your child. All my hope is in you. With all my faith, I believe you are using this for freedom and healing, right now. I pray this in Jesus Name.

 

Removing Access By Human Spirits

Lord Jesus, I give you full access to every part of my being right now. Come inside of me and remove all human spirits from my being. Break every connection I have made with any human spirits and close every door I have opened to give them access. I give you permission to supersede every right I may have given and to remove any points of access into my being. I ask you Lord to remove any weapons, gifts, or any other object I have willingly received from any human spirits. I ask you to bring hope and truth into every part of me that receives human spirits into the body. Align every part of me with your Holy Spirit and break every chain of bondage within me now. I choose Jesus Christ the Worthy Lamb of God to have access to my being and no other spirit.

 

Shelter From Trauma Triggered

Lord Jesus, I give you permission right now to come inside my being and fight for me. I ask you to restore every part of me to how you originally designed me to be. Any parts that have been triggered, I am asking you to bring the into a place of rest and healing. I ask you to bring every part of me into alignment with who you created me to be Lord. I ask you to shelter me from trauma within and instead bring peace and security by Your mighty hand. I ask that you create a safe haven for the parts that have been triggered, and bring them into healing, in Jesus Name.

 

Prayer Before Sleep

Lord Jesus, I give you my life: body, mind and soul. I ask you to align every part of me with who you created me to be. I refuse any partnership, agreement, or participation in witchcraft of any kind. I give you permission to come inside of me tonight to assure that none of my alters can supersede my conscious desire to follow you only. I give you permission to close every door inside of me, stop me from leaving my body, and prevent me from performing or participating in any witchcraft while I’m asleep. In Jesus name.

 

Binding Alters Work

I bind all of my alters from performing their kingdom level duties right now in the name of Jesus Christ.

 

Repentance On Behalf of Alters

On behalf of every one of my alters, I repent for all knowledge and leadership positions I have strived for in order to ascend to the highest levels of second heaven. I ask for commanding angels of the Armies Of The Lord to escort every one of my alters from their seated thrones and imprisoned cells, and return them back to the body, whole and complete, and cleansed by the blood of the Lamb, in Jesus Name.

 

Prayer Against Programming 

In Jesus name, I renounce and reject all programming being sent to me right now. I plead the blood of the Christ, our Lord, over it, making it null and void and of no further affect. I bind every demon, device, and human spirit carried by this program, and command it to flee from me, in Jesus name.

 

Stopping Astral Rituals

On behalf of every one of my alters, I command all astral rituals to cease and desist in the Almighty name of Jesus Christ. I bind every one of my alters from doing any further witchcraft or self-inflicted punishment, and command them to come off all of their jobs right now, in Jesus name.

Category: | Comments Off on Prayers For Ritual Abuse Survivors
October 10 2014

Welcome to the Other Side of Darkness

My name is Beth, and I am here to tell you my story. A story of my journey into a life of darkness, hopelessness and despair; into the very pits of what I call hell, and the amazing force that brought me up out of the darkness, and into the light.

outofdarkness

I have always felt alone and sad. I never felt good enough or loved. As a teen I was raped by my boyfriend and became suicidal. Later I fell into drugs and alcohol, which consumed a large part of my life. In my search for truth and meaning in life, I delved deeply into the occult and witch craft and new age for several years. I was in several abusive relationships and continued to be depressed and lost for many years.

Does any of this resonate with you? Have you ever struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts? Or maybe your struggle was with addiction to drugs or alcohol. Have you been searching, wondering, why you are here? Is there a purpose in life? Have you suffered and been so tired that you just can’t take it anymore? Was there a time in your life you used witch craft or new age practices in your search for the truth?

I am here to tell you I understand completely. I have walked in those shoes as well. I have felt unbearable pain and sought to try any means possible to numb it or take it away. You are not alone. There is hope. There is help and healing for you. I have received unbelievable healing, comfort, joy and lasting hope in life! I have known unconditional love, that surpasses my understanding. And I have found peace in knowing why I am here on this earth, and what my purpose is. You are loved beyond anything you have ever known in your life! And you too can experience this wonderful joy and hope that I have found. It is there even for you!

Please explore my blog and learn more about my life, my experiences and how I found light in a dark world. Learn more about walking in joy and victory! I pray you will be blessed beyond measure as you read this blog. Thank you so much for visiting!

 New Posts Come Out Every Monday (with the exception of holidays)!

To read my testimony of how I went from being a witch who hated God, to a Christian please go to My Testimony.

To read more about my life, and how I lived a life of pain, hopelessness and walked from away from God, please go to My Story.

To read my new posts about recovered memories, where I am beginning to speak of my childhood abuse, please go to Recovering Childhood Memories. (If you are SRA please be advised these posts are full of triggers.)

To read about how I came to a Christian church and found a relationship with Jesus, please go to Into the Light.

To read more about my life and my latest posts (with the exception of new memories), please go to Living in the Light.

To visit my Youtube Channel where I post videos weekly about Christian life, spiritual gifts, warfare and much more, go to My Channel!

 

 

Category: | LEAVE A COMMENT
December 5 2016

Breaking Ties To The Occult

 occult tiesWhen I first came into a realization that I was still connected to the occult, I was confounded to say the least. I had come into this amazing relationship with Christ and had renounced witchcraft, and all my involvement with the occult numerous times. Wasn’t that enough? For some it may well be enough, but for me I knew there was something more than what I was experiencing in this life, something so palpable and tangible that I was willing to keep working to pursue it. That something was personally knowing Christ.

I had come to a point where I had seen the face of God, and felt His love envelope me. That was enough to know that what I was experiencing as a Christian was but a taste of what I was created to have. These times of experiencing God like this were mere moments in my life; and those fleeting moments left an impression on me so deep that I would do whatever it took to have more of the Living God.

I was so oppressed at that point in time. I had brain fog, depression, explosive anger, physical pains and much more. All of this was getting in the way of my daily life, let alone coming closer to God. If this oppression was what was getting in the way of my relationship with Jesus, then it had to be healed and removed. The problem was I had already tried everything I could think of to fix it, and nothing helped.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, my God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?

Psalm 42:1-2

As I mentioned before, I openly renounced all of my involvement with witchcraft and the occult many times. I got rid of all my books, tarot cards, crystals, enchanted items, books, and much more. I even got rid of anything that was about witchcraft, such as movies with witchcraft, or fiction books with witchcraft. I was serious about cutting that part of my life off completely. So why was I so oppressed? What had I done to deserve this torment and hell I was living in?

The question was not what had I done, but what had been done to me. The connections to the occult do not always come simply because you chose to participate openly in witchcraft of some sort. As a matter of fact, many people who are attracted to the occult will most likely find they already have hidden connections to the occult within them. That is the reason the attraction is there.

In my last post I talked about being how being indoctrinated into the occult can happen to anyone and they can be completely unaware. I described how blood ties are all that is needed in order to create a connection with the occult into a person. You need not ever openly pursue witchcraft or the occult in order to have been indoctrinated into it’s belief systems. The occult is a way of life, much like Christianity. It prescribes to certain beliefs, thought processes, and mind sets. These beliefs are constantly reinforced through many TV programs, movies, music, and much more.

What I came to learn over this past year is that my connections the occult and witchcraft ran so deep, that even I was unaware of them. Many of my ancestors had been involved in the occult through false religions and worship of false gods and goddesses. Through these false beliefs they were indoctrinated into, they were convinced to give over access to, and the blood rights of, every generation after them. That was all that was needed for the devil to be able to begin his plan over my life.

The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.

2 Thessalonians 2:9

Thankfully God had a plan far before Satan ever did. He had a plan over my life to bring hope and truth into this dark world. He chose me to be a light, shining brightly in the midst of this darkness, and bring many more torch bearers into awareness with me. At first I really couldn’t hear any of this truth. It was hard enough understanding that I was still in the occult. Let alone that I had been tortured into agreeing to allow many more connections to the occult inside of me.

Many people like myself will have experienced the same type of things, to varying degrees and levels, and have no memory of it either. I only was able to come into the truth of my life because I was willing to pursue Jesus with every ounce of my being. That meant going into the very darkness I had been trying so desperately to hide from. You see, because of the terrible events I was forced to participate in, I believed nothing by horrible things about myself. It was those beliefs; that I was evil, bad, that God hated me, that I was irredeemable; that kept me from every wanting to seek the truth. How could I go to God to find truth when it was the truth that was going to expose how evil I truly was?

Yet week after week I have been willing to walk into the pain, the hell, the terrible memories, and allow Jesus to bring light to all these dark places inside of me. I have been exposed to so much truth and hope and light that it has changed me in ways that are absolutely remarkable. I have gone from oppressed to encouraged; and it is all because of my surrender.

God has a plan for each one of our lives. A plan to bring us into His glory in this world. A plan to partner with us to do amazing things for His Kingdom. This plan was set in place for before the foundation of the world was even laid. Yet many of us have become lost and forsaken in a world that seems to constantly beat us down. God has not given up on you. He hasn’t even begun to show you the miracles He will work inside of you.

 

How can a person who suspects that have been indoctrinated into the occult find freedom? Finding freedom is a process. There is no clear and concise guide on how to do so, but there are definite tools to help a person who is seeking healing and freedom. Each person is going to come to this path in a different way, because each person is unique. Every person has different levels of oppression and also of denial that keep them from knowing more about the hidden truth within them. Yet there is nothing that is impossible with God.

The first step is just to begin to try to connect on a deeper level of intimacy with Christ. Knowing Him more will give us so much strength to continue on a journey that can seem hopeless or impossible. Yet for some, there oppression is so severe that connecting with God is so difficult that it may take great strides to make any progress. Fear not, God will reward you for all your work to connect further with Him.

Deliverance is also another very important step into freedom and healing. It is only one step however. Deliverance was never created to be the completion of the process, but instead, the beginning of it. Deliverance with a trained ministry who knows how to get to the roots of demonic oppression, curses and ancestral blood rights is going to do a great work within you. However, every Christian who has a deliverance needs to do continued work afterwards. This life is a learning process, and a gift not to be taken lightly.

I never recommend self deliverance. We do not have the tools or skill set that allows us to get to the roots of oppression, curses, and blood rights. A true deliverance minister will not only bring us into a new level of freedom, they will also help us to connect to the Holy Spirit in new and amazing ways. They will help us to see miracles happen within us. They will help us to hear the voice of the Living God for ourselves. They are facilitators who allow God to come in and run the show, while maintaining peace and stability.

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.

Isaiah 43:1-5

I recommend that every single Christian have a deliverance, and that they use a ministry that goes to the head demon in charge. For more information on such a ministry, please go to my FAQ page. Many Christians will highly benefit from some sort of inner healing. Inner healing is going to help with healing emotional and spiritual wounds that have been stored up throughout our lives. Every person has some degree of emotional and spiritual trauma within them that has not been addressed, and it will fester inside of us if not healed.

Every person that wants to seek deliverance and inner healing needs to be deeply in prayer over this matter. It is not something to be taken lightly. If a person is not prepared they can be easily led astray by a minister who is actual trained to lead you back into oppression. God will bring the right people into your life at the right time. It took me almost 2 years to find the deliverance ministry that helped me. Two years of fighting and suffering and begging God for help. I had to be ready.

Warfare is a normal part of the Christian walk. The devil is not going to sit idly by while we pursue freedom and the call God has for us here. He is going to do whatever he can to try to trip us up, stop us, or throw us completely off course. Remember, he has already been working against us from day 1. He is not going to stop now.

swordEach Christian needs to begin to learn how to put on the armor God has given them and use the Sword of the Spirit to fight against the devil and his schemes. We need to be able to grow in discernment so we can understand the attack of our enemy. Every good soldier needs to know what they are fighting against and why they are in the battle. Each of us are soldiers in the Mighty Army of God, and as we strengthen ourselves in the Lord, we will grow our discernment and our battle skills.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

                                                                                                                  Hebrews 12:1-2

Having the occult hidden inside of us is not something to fear. The occult is just another device of the devil that he uses to render us useless against him. These devices are not something that are impossible to overcome, but on the contrary; we were created to overcome them. Think of it this way; you have been entrenched into darkness for a reason. That reason being that when you overcome it, you have the power and the strength to help others overcome it as well. The devil does not want you to overcome it, but when you do, you will be a powerful weapon of God against the darkness.

That is exactly what keeps me going. There are many days when it becomes so difficult I truly want to give up. I want to go back to a simple life of baking and taking care of my family and leave this blog far behind. God always is so kind and loving though, as He gently reminds me that even if I was to quit, the war would still continue. I was made for this, and so were you. Together, we can partner with Jesus Christ, to become an unstoppable force to spread the glory and goodness of God.

You don’t have to be ready, you just have to be willing. Trust in Jesus. Be with Him. Tell Him your fears. He already knows them all. Believe that He is going to redeem every bit of hell you have experienced in this world and absolutely turn it around for your good. He loves you. You were worth the highest price to Him. He paid it willingly, for you. No matter how bad you may think you are, how useless or worthless. To Jesus Christ, you were worth it all. And that is a fact that nothing can change.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Luke 4:18-19

September 19 2016

Satanic Ritual Abuse In The Church

ritual abuse churchWhat is satanic ritual abuse? Satanic ritual abuse is when an innocent victim is forced to take part in a satanic ritual. These victims can be any age, race or gender. Usually during the satanic  rituals the victim goes under some sort of physical, emotional or sexual trauma. There are many in this world who would believe that this sort of thing never happens. Then there are others who would believe this only happens in “satanic churches” or other such evil places. All would most definitely assume that it would never happen right in their own neighborhood, by people they know, who are Christian. That is how the devil deceives the masses daily.

A couple of years ago I would have been with the majority in thinking that satanic rituals were not something that happens, and most certainly doesn’t happen to “normal” people or “good upstanding” people. I was in huge denial. Denial can be a very good thing. When our core beliefs are not aligned with the Truths of God, it is hard to know the reality of the world or our lives. So while I loved God and followed Him, there were still hidden parts of me that believed that taking part in satanic rituals made a person evil and the world evil and unsafe. So denial kept me safe until Jesus was able to bring the Truth into my heart. I am not evil, and the world is not evil. That was really hard for me to hear.

After being abused for so long I really believe that church was evil, the world was unsafe, people are evil, God is evil, and that I was evil and tainted beyond hope. I walked around in my daily life with these as core beliefs. So even though consciously I wasn’t really registering these as my truth, when I dug deep and asked myself hard questions, I came to realize that really was how I saw things. So step by step, I had to start to see that Jesus was here to bring me healing from my past and freedom from the occult, and show me that none of my past made me or the world evil.

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

I know that the devil has really worked hard to portray satanism as evil. So evil in fact, that it needs to just be tucked away and out of sight so we do not have to see it or deal with it. Now, I am not saying that satanism is not evil. What I am saying is that there are many, many people out there who are involved in satanism who are absolutely not evil. Yet because of the choices they are making, we will always see them as the thing they do, and not as the people they are. Satan has worked very hard to get us to identify with our actions, so that the work Jesus did on the cross would become null and void.

Evil is evil, and you cannot change that, but God is so much bigger than evil that in His presence, evil becomes as small as a knat. It is ineffectual and powerless in the face of God Almighty. So Satan has to try very hard to make us believe that evil is indeed much more powerful than it appears, and even more powerful than God. This way we will fear evil and turn away from it. The problem with this is, we have turned our faces away from evil to the point where we have absolutely no discernment for it whatsoever. The Bible tells us to turn away from evil and do good, but it never once says to pretend it doesn’t exist. It says to have discernment for the work of the devil in our lives so we can protect ourselves instead.

Yet we have come to this point in our world where we have such little discernment for the spiritual nature of every single thing, that we are completely blind to the very evil in our own homes, let alone our churches. That is how satanic ritual abuse continues to exist to this very day, and will not stop. Innocent victims are being tortured daily in our world due to the fact that we refuse to believe it can be real. It is generational. One person comes into this abuse, and it spreads into every generation after them. It is like a curse and a disease. Yet there is a cure. There is always a cure.

But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Hebrews 5:14

The fact of the matter is, satanism happens wherever it is allowed. That means, it can happen in church, just like it did to me. Now I know some will say Mormonism is a cult (I agree) and that it’s not Christian, therefore it’s not a real church. According to dictionary.com, the definition of church is:

1. a building for public Christian worship.

2. public worship of God or a religious service in such a building

 the whole body of Christian believers;Christendom.

4.  any division of this body professing the same creed and acknowledging the same ecclesiastical authority; Christian denomination:

Therefore, any building where a group of people who come to worship their god and all have same beliefs, are a church. Which means Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventist and many other religions that people look at as a cult, are meeting in a church. And to the people that attend, it is a church.  A sacred place where they worship. That is all that it takes to make a church. And if it can happen in a Mormon church, it can happen in a Christian church, a Catholic church, or any other place where Satan has been given entrance and power through human rights.

How in the world can a Christian have anything to do with Satan? Isn’t that impossible? If you have followed any of my other blog posts or Youtube videos, then you know that it is very possible for even Christians to have a connection with darkness and the occult. Being a Christian does not mean you have broken evil out of your life, it means you accepted God’s free gift of salvation for eternity. Everything else is a work in progress for everyone.

Let’s use me as an example. So I was initiated into the occult basically at birth. I was taught how to do witchcraft, astral travel, worship false gods and accepted demons into my being. Yet because of the intense trauma I sustained I was unable to remember any of the actual events. Yet I still was in the occult, whether I knew it or not. My soul had taken part and accepted these things, and they were still a part of me. Years later I come to understand that Jesus loves me and wants to help me, so I accept Him as my Savior. That does not change or take away my past.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Which leads me back to the world view I had: everything is evil. With that so deeply rooted within me, I took a lot of time and work to even come to a place where I was able to hear that I even believed these things. These beliefs kept me impotent to finding out the truth about my past. So although I was living a Christian life, I was still connected to darkness and unable to come to terms with that as a fact. It is only through submitting every part of you to God, even the dark parts we want to belief don’t exist, that we can get freedom from the darkness.

If I were to never have started inner healing and the truth, I could easily have found a way to have power in a church and brought satanism into that church. Satanism was still inside of me, and all I would have needed was 2 or 3 more who had the same type of agreements with the devil to work with me to start this at a church. Satan would have loved that! This is just an example, as it would take time and establishment and power within a church to actually start satanism within it, and I didn’t really have that on my side.

Most churches that are a party to satanism are already well established and have leaders who have great power and influence within them. These church leaders most likely have themselves been raised in satanic ritual abuse, and like me have no recollection of it whatsoever. They can do satanic rituals in church and not even realize they have done it. They gather together others within the church who have also been also raised with satanic ritual abuse and together they basically have a church within a church. Outsiders never even know it exists.

To understand this, you need to understand more about what happens to a person when they are traumatized to this severity. Extreme trauma causes dissociation. Dissociation basically means disconnecting from yourself, which is what a human has to do in traumatic circumstances to survive and not lose their mind. It is a coping mechanism that God has gifted us with so that we can continue to function and live through things that the devil has created to steal, kill, and destroy us. Here is a good article with more information on dissociation, but as it does not come from a perspective of God and how He views us and the world, please be advised to take any questions or thoughts on it directly to the Father. It is very important you do so.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

The object of much of the trauma is to create this dissociation within a person so that they have what are called alters. Basically what that means is that the brain splits to create different parts within the same person to create ways to handle the trauma. These alters or parts carry the memories and pain of the trauma, so that the conscious self does not have to. Again, this is a gift from God and has saved many people from death or insanity. Having these alters is actually quite common, as many people have experienced great trauma in their lives. Many would think a person like this would like like someone with split personalities, but they often do not. They usually look completely normal, and you would never have any idea.

That is how a Christian can also be a satanist. They have already been inducted into the occult through satanic ritual abuse as a child, and they have alters who carry the knowledge of the rituals. The alter comes forward and takes over to do rituals, and then goes dormant again while your conscious self takes over. The dissociation keeps you from consciously remembering that you just did a satanic ritual, just like it did to me as a child. People have to dissociate during these rituals, because no person will ever willing decide to partake in evil like that. Not unless it was already done to them for so long it forces them to become evil themselves.

I know that this may sound very scary for some people. It may sound like something that is too terrible to deal with. I completely understand that. The point I want to bring, is that God is so much bigger than whatever Satan has done. The power of God is so much stronger than whatever schemes the devil has put in place. God is the Redeemer and Healer. He has been healing my life, so I can start to speak the truth into this world so that others like me can find freedom too.

grFear is our enemy. We were not made with a spirit of fear, but with power, love and a sound mind. The devil wants to destroy that within each one of us by holding us captive to fear. If we keep living in fear of the devil or the unknown, we will never be able to move forward into healing and freedom. We cannot keep walking in this world and take everything at face value. We are spirits and everything in this world is based in the spiritual first, because God is spirit. It is because God is spirit that He is able to be everywhere all the time. That means that no matter what you have done or where you have been in life, God has always been there. Just like He was there for me during my ritual abuse.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

There were many times when I was so angry at God for allowing these things to happen. Yet He was there with me, protecting my spirit from harm during these events. If He had not protected my spirit, I would have been corrupted and be going to hell instead of heaven. That is what the devil intended for me. But God did not allow that to happen. And in the big scope of this life, my days on this earth are only a blip on the radar. I will spend the rest of eternity rejoicing with Jesus!! I will never remember any of this pain or anguish here.

It is only because I have been willing to see my past and how it connected me with darkness that I am able to sit here and write this. And because I write this, God is going to move and bring healing and freedom into the lives of others who were caught in a life of misery and suffering just as I was, but had no idea why. There is always hope, there is always a cure. That cure is Jesus Christ. He loves us so much that He will never look down on us for anything we have ever done. No matter how bad. If He did, Saul would have never become the Apostle Paul, but would have stayed just a murderer.

If God can bring hope and healing into my life, He can do it for anyone and everyone. All it takes is a step of faith and trust. Those are some of the cornerstones of Christianity. We cannot always see things clearly, but if we trust that in giving all of ourselves to God He can help us, then we can take the journey that He created us for. A journey into finding out who we are in Christ, and who He made us to be.

Dearly beloveds, I know that you are struggling and feel hopeless and afraid. Take the hand of the Father and let Him love you. Let Him show you how He sees you. You are not evil, you are not alone, you are not lost. God has got you! He has never let you go, not for one minute. Stop letting the devil deceive you into believing his lies and let God bring healing and hope into your heart, right now. Believe in Him. He is good.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!

Psalm 31:9

August 15 2016

A Day In The Life Of An Occult Survivor

occult survivor

It is Monday morning. The kids are out of school for the summer, so I do not have an alarm set. I open my eyes and it’s already after 8. I can barely see as I am so exhausted and don’t feel like I can pull myself out of bed. I have already slept 8 hours, but instead of feeling rested I feel like I have been beat up all night long. I close my eyes for just a moment and when I open them again it’s after 9. I jump out of bed, consumed with guilt because my two youngest sons will already be up. I drag myself down stairs to find them watching a show on the Roku.

They are not the least bit upset I slept in. For them it means more TV time. I grab my usual quart of water and sit on the couch with them. I stare mindlessly at the television. I hate every single show they opt to watch, because I can see how the occult leaks in to everything. It drives me crazy. Yet I know I can’t hide them from it, and frankly, I am already feeling like hell. I have no alternative to offer my children at this moment. I try not to spend time telling myself what a terrible mother I am and focus on surviving the day.

Monday is the day my new blog posts come out. By revelation of the Lord, I know the extreme attack that is coming at me as I walk in the call God has placed on my life. There are many groups of people that want me to stop this blog. I have astral rituals and witchcraft coming at me all day long. The fact that I was born into the occult does not help the attack, because it leaves me more susceptible to feeling it’s affects than others. You cannot just walk away from the occult and be free from it. They never stop coming after you, and because I know all their secrets, I am dangerous.

After I have my coffee I am still not feeling any better. My head feels like it is in a fog. I can’t think straight and my emotions are like a roller coaster. I sway from sad to angry to unhinged. Today I am feeling the effects of processing my reality. The reality that I grew up in the occult and was terribly abused, but was unable to remember until Jesus Christ showed me is a haunting fact. It is painful. It is unreal at times. It is horrifying. It is my life.

Many people cannot fully comprehend what an occult survivor goes through on a daily basis. They cannot fathom the spiritual aspects of the life that a survivor has to live through. Especially when your family is the one that brought you in to the occult, which is what happens in most cases. It can be extremely lonely. People are always well meaning, but the fact is the damage that runs through a soul broken by this level of abuse is incomprehensible. Even to me.

I remind myself I need to pray against witchcraft and try to connect with God. It is difficult because my brain feels like it’s been lost at sea. I am trying to navigate through a storm without a map or compass. I pray and pray and try to fend off the attack I was vulnerable too in the night, and try to find a center on God. On this particular day, it is nearly impossible. I love God with all my heart, but the enormity of the attack, combined with the overwhelming pain of my life, is more than I can bear at all. It’s like torment on my soul.

I am determined to make the best of my day though. I eat breakfast and get dressed so I can take the kids to an indoor playground. There is a cafe there, so I bring a coloring book with me. Doing things that can help engage my left brain are supposed to bring me out of a place of emotional trauma. There are many things in my life that are what are called trauma triggers. That is, something that reminds a person of the trauma from their past and causes an upheaval of emotional pain and torment.

Trauma triggers can happen anywhere and anytime. It can be as simple as seeing a cartoon  of Paul the Apostle chained in a dungeon. Before I know it I feel upset and unstable at a little innocent cartoon that should have nothing to do with causing me pain. But it does. Because at one time, that was me. It can also be something like almost running over a cat that ran out in the road. It should be a little upsetting at best, but for me it causes  me hyperventilate. Because for me, seeing death come to innocent life is very real.

At the playground the kids are having a blast. I am so thankful for the peace I have while coloring, even in a place filled with the noise of playing children. I am still not together though. I have been stumbling through the day and have made one mistake after another. Things like forgetting to pick up my son from his math tutor (I was only 15 minutes late thankfully!) or throwing away the cap to the creamer. It may seem like little things, but they happen all day long. A sign that my brain is not able to engage.

The microwave in the cafe frequently beeps in a surprisingly loud tone that startles me every time. I am so on edge already that the noise causes me to want to rise up and scream ‘shut up!’, but I am able to contain myself. The grace of God saves me in a lot of instances, but not always. Sometimes I am living in a place of emotional trauma, even though there is none obvious before me. And because of this I take it out of my loved ones. The part of me that is living in trauma cannot separate the past reality of abuse from my current reality, and I react to little things like my children talking back by screaming at them. It’s a survival instinct at that point.

When you spend years of your life with no control over what is being done to you, you begin to have control issues. Add in the fact that what is being done to you in heinous torture that I would not describe her, and you have the making of crazy really. I should be in a psychiatric hospital knowing what I know, but God is so good. He is helping me to live even in the midst of all this pain and helping me to find purpose in the trauma. I could be dealing with horrible flashbacks that send me into a corner crying, but God in His mercy protects me in so many ways.

After a few hours the kids are finally ready to leave. My 8 year old is very upset by some things that have happened, and I am able to calmly talk to him about it. I am not sure how much it actually helps him, but I feel the grace of God around me. I feel like it’s one small victory in a day full of failures. I feel so ashamed of the kind of mother I am, but I feel helpless to be the kind of mother I imagine I should be. It is actually a miracle that I even had children, because of the abuse that was done to me should have stripped that possibility from my life.

When we get home I know that either I talk to the person who helps me with my inner healing, or I completely loose my sanity and potentially hurt someone. I am so far emotionally gone that it scares me. Over the phone we talk and pray and I talk to the Lord about what is going on and what has caused such intense trauma in me. It turns out there has been a vicious spiritual attack reaming me since the night before. I do the work to release myself from the torment and immediately feel the pressure ease up. I take some ibuprofen for my pounding head and within an hour feel half way decent.

Spiritual attack is indeed the norm for most Christians, but when you have lived a life in the occult, you come to understand attack on a whole new level. The devil will always have his schemes, but for someone who has been inducted into darkness, the attack rarely lets up. It’s not just attack because you naturally have an enemy: it’s also attack because the devil has already had you in his camp and isn’t ready to just let you go. He wants you to believe you can never get away.

The devil is a liar, but there is also some truth to this threat. He is not going to stop coming after me just because I am gaining freedom from what he has done to me. He wants to stop me from doing exactly what I am doing: writing the simple truth about my life. Because through my life Jesus Christ has worked a miracle to bring me freedom. Where there was no hope, Jesus saw otherwise. The devil did a good job holding me captive for a long time. But I am an adult now, and can choose freely for myself.

Being an occult survivor means control. You have never had any control over your life. Others have had control over you, and have made sure to scar you to the point where you are to afraid to try to take much control for yourself. Instead you live out of what you know: and what you know is the occult and the trauma that is have bound you too. Yet Jesus sees past all that. He sees past someone fighting with witchcraft and hate and gives you the choice. Love. Love is something I have never really known until I met Jesus Christ. He is my salvation.

Every day is a struggle for me to balance who I am with who I was told I will always be. Between God’s truth and the devils lies that were planted in me. And every day I do my best to choose God, because I know He is the only one that has been there with me, through all the hard and painful times of my life. Whether I knew He was there or not, He was always there. Some days I am swallowed up in pain from the reality of my life, and some days I am able to find strength and joy in the midst of it.

Not matter what I will continue to walk down this healing path. Because with out it I have nothing. I can’t go back to what I had before: a life of pain and suffering for no apparent reason. Before I knew Jesus Christ, and before I started inner healing, my life was the same: I felt like hell, I had a hard time functioning, and I flew of the handle easily. I took it for granted that this was just normal life for so many years that it wasn’t until I met Jesus Christ that I realized this was definitely not normal.

hopeIf I stop now I can never expect to move forward in my life. I would be stuck in limbo: halfway into healing and never progressing. I want more of Jesus Christ in me and in my life. It is a constant battle, accepting the reality of my life, and trying my best to fight for my freedom daily. To believe that Jesus is near when I feel like I’m drowning, and to pursuing healing even though it opens up deep wounds.

Some people will never understand why I am doing inner healing, and some people will never understand the depths of the struggle my life is. No matter the cost I have found one thing to be true: Jesus Christ is worth it all. I am not whining or complaining about my life, but inviting you in with one simple goal; to bring you hope. If I can face my past, my fears, my pain, my trauma, and come out on the other side as the victor, than so can you.

My life is not exactly like yours, but it’s not quite so different either. The devil has a vendetta against us all. And we can continue to walk through life with our heads bowed down and make the best of what we have, or we can take the chance to look up and see the One who loves us more than we can ever dare to imagine. It is through that love that we will truly find our lives. Not the lives we think we have been handed or the lives we believe we have made; but the lives God has died and for for us to have.

Every life is worth living, no matter the struggle or the battle. It just comes down to one thing; will you love your life unto death, so that Jesus can bring you resurrection from it? It is a choice with great consequences, but even far greater rewards.