October 10 2014

Welcome to the Other Side of Darkness

My name is Beth, and I am here to tell you my story. A story of my journey into a life of darkness, hopelessness and despair; into the very pits of what I call hell, and the amazing force that brought me up out of the darkness, and into the light.

outofdarkness

I have always felt alone and sad. I never felt good enough or loved. As a teen I was raped by my boyfriend and became suicidal. Later I fell into drugs and alcohol, which consumed a large part of my life. In my search for truth and meaning in life, I delved deeply into the occult and witch craft and new age for several years. I was in several abusive relationships and continued to be depressed and lost for many years.

Does any of this resonate with you? Have you ever struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts? Or maybe your struggle was with addiction to drugs or alcohol. Have you been searching, wondering, why you are here? Is there a purpose in life? Have you suffered and been so tired that you just can’t take it anymore? Was there a time in your life you used witch craft or new age practices in your search for the truth?

I am here to tell you I understand completely. I have walked in those shoes as well. I have felt unbearable pain and sought to try any means possible to numb it or take it away. You are not alone. There is hope. There is help and healing for you. I have received unbelievable healing, comfort, joy and lasting hope in life! I have known unconditional love, that surpasses my understanding. And I have found peace in knowing why I am here on this earth, and what my purpose is. You are loved beyond anything you have ever known in your life! And you too can experience this wonderful joy and hope that I have found. It is there even for you!

Please explore my blog and learn more about my life, my experiences and how I found light in a dark world. Learn more about walking in joy and victory! I pray you will be blessed beyond measure as you read this blog. Thank you so much for visiting!

 New Posts Come Out Every Monday (with the exception of holidays)!

To read my testimony of how I went from being a witch who hated God, to a Christian please go to My Testimony.

To read more about my life, and how I lived a life of pain, hopelessness and walked from away from God, please go to My Story.

To read my new posts about recovered memories, where I am beginning to speak of my childhood abuse, please go to Recovering Childhood Memories. (If you are SRA please be advised these posts are full of triggers.)

To read about how I came to a Christian church and found a relationship with Jesus, please go to Into the Light.

To read more about my life and my latest posts (with the exception of new memories), please go to Living in the Light.

To visit my Youtube Channel where I post videos weekly about Christian life, spiritual gifts, warfare and much more, go to My Channel!

 

 

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September 25 2017

From Surviving To Thriving

survivingFor most of my life I have been just trying to survive. It’s like hanging on to the back of a speedboat that is cruising through the lake at 50 mph. Surviving is something that takes place of true living. You hunker down and wait for the storm to pass, except that it never really does. So you just keep hanging on as tight as you can, and hope that you make it through to the end.

At some point in time I got tired of surviving. I didn’t want to just survive life anymore. I wanted to be more than a conqueror through Christ. I wanted my reality to be the strength that everyone else saw in me. However, that was just too far away from my understanding of life. Moments of strength are great, but they have been so fleeting, and leave hopelessness in their wake. I needed the kind of strength that was going to allow me to let go of the speedboat, and instead walk on water.

Being a survivor of ritual abuse is a unique experience that is hard to describe. In many ways it is like someone who has been engaged in combat and comes home. You have seen war, death, destruction, and all sorts of evil. You are in a foreign country and away from reality as you have always known it. When you come home, everyone is so happy to see you. They throw a party for you and give you accolades for what you have done. Yet you just want to sit alone in a dark room, because it’s overwhelming to be at a celebration which only reminds you of pain and death.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4

You are overwhelmed because you haven’t seen joy in a long time. You don’t even know what to talk about to people who haven’t been immersed in the circumstances of war like you have. They talk about the weather and politics and school and you just stare at them, trying to focus on what their saying and not on latent memories pushing through. At the end of the party they shoot off fireworks and it’s all you can do is run, because the flashing lights and sounds of explosion send you right back into the combat zone.

No one understands why you ran. No one comprehends the level of pain and suffering you now know so intimately. They want to encourage you, but their words roll off you like water. You feel isolated and alone in the midst of a crowd. How can you explain what you feel, what you have seen, when no one even wants to hear the truth in the first place. Everyone means well, but while you have been in your own personal hell, they have been enjoying the freedom that you fought for them to have.

When you have experienced high levels of trauma for a good portion of your life, you are living in survival mode. You know no other way of being. You are on autopilot, just trying to get through every moment of every day and still breathe. Many people are living this way and have no idea that they are doing so. It becomes normal to them, just as it did for me. Before I ever realized I was a survivor, I was living in survival mode. My whole life was spent surviving, I just had no idea. It wasn’t until I was desperate enough to know the reason why I was a huge mess that I began to learn the reasons behind daily surviving.

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Survival does not equip us to thrive in unhealthy situations, nor does it help us find the truth as to why suffering has followed us wherever we go. Surviving only helps us to get one foot in front of the other. For some, this is how they will have to make it through life, because facing the obvious pain that has been staring at them for so long, is simply more than they can bare. Yet for others, surviving will be a season, not a permanent condition. They will strive to find out the truth in the answers to why things are the way they are. It is through that truth they will find freedom and healing in Jesus Christ.

I have been hanging on for what feels like a lifetime, and Jesus has given me the strength to finally let go. That speedboat has no intention of stopping, so Jesus had to talk me through the steps to let go of it, and allow Him to catch me right where I was. It was extremely hard and painful to even get to that place. Once I was able to let go, the world around me slowed down and I could once again breathe.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

Mark 4:39:41

It’s amazing when you finally come to a place where you are no longer watching your life whiz by you, wondering how to catch up. You can stop and open your eyes without the spray from the boat blinding you. You can focus on taking one step at a time towards Jesus, even though the storm is still raging on around you. The wind and the waves threaten you, and so you learn that sometimes you have to stand perfectly still while you get your bearings, and sometimes you can take that next step, always looking for Jesus.

Here I am, two years into my inner healing therapy and I have finally reached a place where I can breathe. Where I can be at peace with my circumstances and know that Jesus is my Rock and Redeemer. As much hell as I have been through these past two years, it was all worth the fight. There is nothing like the fresh air you breathe when you climb out of the pit. You get used to the stench and the muck of it, and you completely forget who you even are.

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Matthew 25:21

Yet Jesus has never left my side, not for one minute of my life. He has told me I am His, I am beautiful, I am special. Things I couldn’t believe before now give me hope. Jesus tells me He has never left me and I now know its true. Through every situation I was forced into, and every sin of my own doing, He was there. My proud Papa, who knew the core of my heart, and tells me I am good. I never could have thought I was good before. I believed I was evil, through and through. God knows the truth, about each and every one of us.

The goodness of God cannot be stopped, and His love can never be tainted. No matter what we do, and no matter what happens in this world, the love of God is an unstoppable force that will plow over the enemy every time. The only thing that keeps us from that understanding is believing his lies. If the devil can convince us that God is not who He says He is, then he has his hooks in us for as long as we allow it.

We may have all authority over the evil of this world, but until we recognize where we have allowed it in, we cannot use that authority to expel it. We will always have struggles and suffering as consequences to our choices to deny it. Jesus sees you. He sees your heart. He knows you, and He says ‘You are good.’ Who are you going to choose to believe?

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.

1 Corinthians 9:24-26

September 11 2017

The Power of Forgiveness

forgivenessForgiveness has been something that I have struggled with all of my life. From the time I was born, I was being physically and sexually abused by my family and at the Mormon Church. I grew up feeling worthless and abandoned; constantly lied to and betrayed. I was beaten down for having gifts from God to see and talk to Him, and was taught that I was generally stupid and altogether evil. All these things shaped the core of who I was. Instead of growing into a tender young girl who loved the Lord, and wanted to help and serve others, I became devoid of love, focusing instead on hate.

Hate is a power that has driven me for most of my life. Hate, so I was told, was going to protect me, like a weapon or a coat of armor. It was going to drive away all of the evil, because self hatred would keep me in constant self flagellation. I could drive the evil out of my self, and keep the evil of others away, if I would just use the powers of hate.

I was only a little girl as these penetrating lessons were taught to me. As hard as I tried to cling on to what I knew of Jesus, it was ripped away from me, step by step, until I could no longer bear to even hear His name. Jesus name became a swear word to me, because His name now represented hate, anger, and pain to me. Jesus not only abandoned me, but took part in my abuse, as men would dress in His likeness and tell me they were Him.

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

John 15:18-19

As I grew, my life constantly reinforced these beliefs of hate. The rejection and abandonment I felt in my own home was enough to leave me feeling utterly hopeless. I turned to attempts of suicide and later, drugs and alcohol, to try to numb the pain that swelled within me. Nothing could truly take away that pain, but at least I could continue to face another day with a crutch to help me hobble through.

It was not only my family and church that reinforced the message that people will hurt and betray you. It was also relationships outside of the home, with friends and boyfriends. Each friendship I had, I ended up being hurt and betrayed. Each boyfriend I gave my heart too, used and abused me. Again and again my heart received the message loud and clear: People are evil and are always going to hurt you. No matter what you do, you must protect and defend yourself.

My drive to hate just continued to grow throughout my life. With no outlet for healing, the pain would just get shoved further down and bottled up. As I entered early adulthood I began having problems with anger and rage. Physical abuse in my romantic relationships caused me to in turn become violent. I had to defend myself from the pain and attacks, and so physical fights became normal with men.

For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

James 1:20

I wanted desperately to be free from all of this anger and pain. I tried over and over again to forgive my parents for the abandonment I felt all those years. I wanted to start over and just love them for who they were. It worked for a time, as long as I ignored every longing I had for approval and affection. My parents were just as abused as I was, and they absolutely did the very best they could. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to fill the cries of my soul for the love I so desired.

It wasn’t until I came to a place in my life where I was able to finally meet God again. To remember that He is real and not a God of pain and torment. That led to me being able to take a closer look at Jesus. This Jesus that I had to reject in order to protect myself. As I read the Gospel message of His love, something I had been previously deprived of, I realized, this is the love I had been missing out on my entire life. This is the man I needed but could never find all these years.

I gave myself wholeheartedly to Jesus Christ. I wanted nothing more than to allow His Holy Spirit to transform my broken pieces to a beautiful vessel of His love. However, I was still so very shattered and the pain was still constant. Jesus brought me to a place where I was able to have the grace to begin to see people from His point of view. The grace to begin to love and open up to others in a way I never had before. His love was overflowing through me, and I wanted nothing more than to share it with the world.

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

Psalm 103:8

That is not the end of the story, however. As I began my season of inner healing, the grace to love others unconditionally had to make way for the grace to face my pain. My pain was like an endless ocean, raging like a storm within my soul. As I lay bear all my pain, fear and shame, I came to a place of complete and utter brokenness. All my strength was gone, and all I could do was rely on Jesus to even make it through one day. It was all I could do to keep living.

While some saw this as a sign of disaster, I knew in my heart it was what I needed. I could continue to live in the undercurrent of pain, never knowing when it would swallow me whole, or I could face it head on, with the help of the Holy One, and receive healing and hope. When you have never had hope and get a taste of it, you always want more.

Through my inner healing, the real work of forgiving began. I knew about a lot of pain and rejection in my life, but I had no memories of the worse of the abuse. Once those began to be uncovered I had to dig very deeply to learn to forgive. Forgiving felt like saying everything bad that ever happened to me was OK. What Jesus taught me is that forgiving never means evil become good. What it means is I am allowing Him to be Lord over the circumstances that brought the pain, and then give all the pain to Him.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22

I was never meant to carry such a heavy burden on my own. I was never meant to spend a life grieving what should have been. I was meant for freedom and for love. Things that had been stolen away from me in my innocence. All the hate and vengeance and anger I had been using as a weapon did not make me evil. In my heart I only wanted to protect myself from more torment. Jesus had already forgiven me, and so to forgive all the people who had hurt me was only going to set me free.

I no longer had to carry around the weapons of hate. Weapons I had fashioned out of fear and pain, but nonetheless weapons. What I hadn’t realized is that the weapons I was carrying were all actually aimed at me, and being used by the devil to hurt me even more. Once I began to hand over all of my weapons of hate, pain, shame, anger, rage, etc to Jesus, I saw the truth about who God made me to be. I am a light in this world, and a light on a hill cannot be hidden. I was no longer in need of hiding, because Jesus was setting me free.

All of us are carrying around some degree of pain and anger towards others, and self, that we are using as weapons. And just like me, you never meant those weapons for harm, but for protection. Jesus knows your heart and knows who He created you to be. So today, it is time to lay them down at His feet, cast every one of your burdens down before Him, and let the Truth set you free. There you will see what it looks like from a heavenly perception. A place where love, grace and mercy rule, and shame is put to the grave, forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:10-14

June 6 2016

Surrendering To Pain

painToday I feel like a outpatient that has just gone through major surgery. On the outside I may appear normal (although I am doubtful of that), but on the inside I have just gone under the microscope and had tumors removed from my soul by the hand of Jesus Christ. That may sound like a strange phenomena, but that is exactly what I go through, every week. Some weeks the surgery is fairly easy and I get out with a short recovery time. and little pain. Other weeks I need to be quiet and rest, letting the procedure take hold in the depths of who I am. Recovery takes longer because the pain was more intense.

What is this surgery you ask, and how can it possibly be good for me? Well these weekly procedures are what I like to call “inner healing“. I started my journey into inner healing last spring. It actually started with just a wonderful Biblical prayer counselor, but then that abruptly ended because God had bigger plans for my healing. The Biblical prayer counseling helped me to get an understanding of the anger I had been dealing with for my whole life. What I learned is that anger, as well as anxiety, fear, bitterness, depression, and other related feelings, are a secondary emotion to pain. Pain is the root of all feelings outside of the love and joy God has created us to have.

Pain is a sneaky little thing really. It always seems to hit you out of nowhere, blindsiding you and then leaving a mess in the wake of it. You are left looking around you wondering what happened and how did you end up on the floor? Most of the time when pain comes we are so unprepared we have no idea how to deal with it. It is a very messy and ugly feeling, and makes us feel powerless and ashamed of our weakness. Yet instead of reaching out to Jesus, the conqueror of death and hell, we usually shove that pain right back in where it came from, so we can just try to get back up and move on with life. What we don’t realize is that pain comes for a reason, and no matter how bad it feels, Jesus will still work it for our good, if we just allow Him to do so.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

What really is the point of pain, you might ask. Pain is a place to meet the grace and love of God. It is a place where the enemy works very hard to get you, because he believes it is in that place he can destroy you. That is not the point of view God takes, however. God sees us in the midst of this pain, and He sees a sweet and beloved child who needs Him desperately. Yet when He begins to reach down to lend a hand out of the pit, we ignore it in favor of climbing out on our own. We need to feel self-sufficient and capable because the world tells us that we are worthless otherwise. Only the weak and pathetic sit in pain, the devil tells us. Wrong. It takes immense strength and resilience to sit in the pain and call on the name of Jesus to bring healing to it.

When I first started my inner healing sessions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was surrendering to God’s will, but I had no idea He was about to uncover a mass of memories that had been suppressed for my entire life. He started off small, letting me learn more about who I am in Christ. He also started to reveal places of pain that I was already aware of, yet had tried to suppress. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t that difficult either. Really, I was just dipping my toes into tepid water at that point.

The real difficulty came just a couple of months in. The sessions always start of with prayer, and giving everything over to the will of the Holy Spirit to do what He knows needs to be done. Every person can handle what they can, and God knows what those things are. God had been building me up in strength for a very long time, I just had no idea. I had finally come to this place in time where the healing could begin. The funny thing is, healing never feels like healing. It feels like when you break a bone and it heals incorrectly, then it has to be broken again to heal correctly. Pain upon pain. Then you have the time it takes to wait for the complete healing and restoration of the bone. It takes time, patience and effort on your part to take care of yourself through the healing process. Sounds like a blast right? Of course not. But joy will still abound, when you rest in the faith of Jesus Christ.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

When the memories come, they often come in slowly, one thing at a time. I am in a darkened room. It is a small room, with no windows. It is cold and lifeless and scary, lit by candles. There are three men in black robes, and my grandmother. I am chained to the wall. I am only about 2 years old. I am scared out of my mind. Why would my grandmother bring me to this awful place? At this point, I did not even know where I actually was, which was at the Mormon church. Over time I would be very familiar with this room.

The men are chanting. They are calling upon evil spirits, and channeling them. I am being molested by my own grandmother. It is terrifying to me. Yet it is not the first time she has molested me, I just don’t remember it at that time. The men are calling upon spirits of evil because they want to channel them into me. The sexual stimulation is for the purpose of filling me with fear and pain, so that I will be open to receive what they have to offer. I can see what is happening around me, yet I can hardly comprehend.

It was very hard to see this memory, as I had no idea, and I mean no idea, that I had ever experienced anything of this nature in my life. I am in shock as the Holy Spirit recalls it to my memory, piece by piece. Yet it is real. How can it be. How? Yet there is some hope in the memory. Before the man who has channeled the demon can summon it upon me, a strong gust of wind blows through the room. It is an impossible wind, in a room with no windows. Yet it blows so fiercely that the candles go out and the man is knocked to the ground. The demon spirit is chased away by the power of it. It was the Holy Spirit. The men are filled with fear, and my grandmother is enraged. The spirit is gone and will not come back this time, so the ritual must end. For now.

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:6-7

The man scrambles off the floor as another relights the candles. I don’t understand what is happening, but I do know the presence of God when I feel it. I had already been in communication with God; already had talked with Him personally even at this tender young age. For some all this sounds impossible, and improbable. I wish it was. Yet in this world the devil has a foothold so deep that he has convinced us that he does not even exist. I am not alone in these experiences. There are many just like me. Yet they do not remember. They cannot remember. To remember without the Holy Spirit is virtually impossible, and to attempt to do so could send someone to insanity.

It is extremely dangerous to attempt to recover any memories of abuse without the help of God. He has to be the one to reveal them when He knows you are ready. Once He reveals them He shows you how they affected your beliefs and the way you see God and the world. He then removes the impact of what has been done to your soul through the moments He shows you. He brings you healing and begins to redeem what was bad, trading it for something good. This could never be done without God. The part He plays in this is vital and essential.

This was the first ritual I that I become aware of. It is like a horror movie has come true, and I am the star. Yet the fact that I feel it is unreal and a horror movie speaks volumes about what this experience has taught me. It has taught me that the world is evil, nowhere is safe, the devil has control, and more things of that nature. Yet I still hung on to the hope of God in that moment. I still clung to Him desperately. That would change eventually though, as they realized the power of God that was already inside of me.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

child-running-1082102_1920I do not think I am special. I do not think my experiences or abuse is worse than anyone else. Abuse in itself is traumatic and rips apart the fabric of your soul, no matter what the abuse is. It is evil in its nature, and it’s intent is to tear you down, so the devil can build you back up, just as he wants you to be. Weak, afraid, and susceptible to his viewpoints of life. That is why it is imperative to follow Jesus into the pain. The pain wants to control us and hold us down, but God wants to use it to teach us, to empower us, to strengthen us, and to build us in our identity in Christ. I have not wanted to know these bad things that have happened to me. Not once. They only get worse from here, every single time.

Yet I have continued for 9 months, and I have no idea when I’ll be done. Do I consider myself strong? Not by a long shot. But because I have trusted in God, even just a tiny bit, I have been willing to walk through this with Him. His mighty right hand has uplifted me, and strengthened me, just enough to get through each day. I have wanted to die. I have begged God to take me home, because I am done with this life. It has been harsh, cruel, and a living hell. But God says He wants me here, if I can just keep hanging on. He has promised to redeem it all, and give me something beautiful in return. I honestly have no idea how that is possible, but I have heard that nothing is impossible with God. So I chose to remind myself of that promise, even if it is hard to believe. So far He has been faithful and True to His word to me. So I keep fighting the good fight.

And you can too. I know you are not me, but you are here because you know you have pain and you know you are hiding from it. So I just want to give you encouraging words. If I can do this, I am most certain you can, because Jesus can. And if Jesus can, anyone who trusts in Him can. Do you trust Him, even just a tiny bit? Ok. Then my beautiful sweet friend, you can.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

May 2 2016

Talking To God

jesus-with-childI have never been cool or popular. I have never had a lot of friends, or been the kind of girl that is the life of the party. I have always been shy and insecure. I have had body image problems: i.e. I think I am fat and ugly. I have been more afraid of people than not, and desperate to connect even in the midst of the fear. I have longed for real intimacy with another human being, not physical, but emotional. I have struggled endlessly to find myself in a world that constantly seems to tell me I’m nobody and not good enough. I have been in hiding, even when out in public, because I am terrified of being hurt, or worse, of being known. If I were to truly be known, then the depth of the pain inside me would come seeping out. And that surely would bring complete rejection upon me.

For those that know me, or follow me, these things may come as a surprise. I probably appear confident and put together. In some ways I am. I have come a long way. That girl that was hurt and scared is still here, but through the love of Christ I have come to find who I was created to be. Or at least, I am beginning to find that person. I actually think I am pretty now. Well, most of the time. Yet I still struggle with feeling fat. I am able to smile at people and look them in the eyes, whereas before that would have been impossible. But most of all, I am able to start to open up my heart a little to others. And it all started with God.

When I was very young, I could see the angels and talk to God. The angels would sing beautiful songs about the Lord to me. I talked to God on a regular basis, because I knew Him. I trusted Him. He was mine. I hadn’t been taught it was wrong; it was just normal to me. For a time anyway. When I was two I would regularly get spanked with a belt for disobedience. Once when I tried to tell my father I talked to God, he became extremely angry with me. Of course he didn’t believe me, and thought there was something wrong with me. If you have been taught that something is wrong or impossible, then you tend to believe it, and carry that belief with you. Well my father grew up in the Catholic church, and of course he believed that I could not talk to God. That was how he was raised.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

Yet I was just a little girl. All I knew was my experience, and that I loved my father and desperately wanted to make him happy. It’s a very small world through the eyes of a child. My father had also been raised being punished for insolence, which is what he considered this whole “talking to God” thing. So I was punished and reprimanded for it. That was the first time I began to doubt my gift and also to doubt God. Yet I did not stop. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite ways to pass the time was to sing. As a small child my song base was rather small, but I did know the songs of the angels. I would sing them to the Lord, in a soft and sweet little voice. It gave me comfort and joy, and helped me worship God, even then.

It was at a very tender young age of two that I also became indoctrinated into my first satanic ritual at the hands of those who I trusted most; my family. That was only the beginning. Once the elders at the Mormon church realized my gift to hear God, they immediately began to punish me for it. They absolutely could not have me talking to God, because this was not the one True God, as I believed. No. They would need to teach me about what was true and what was right, because I was very far away from that. Once my grandmother heard me singing one of the angel songs while I was playing at her house, and she flew into a fit of rage. She grabbed me by the arm and took me straight to the Mormon church so she could tell the elders.

If my father thought it insolent to talk to God, imagine how worshipers of Lucifer felt when one of their disciples was actually singing and worshiping God. It was beyond an outrage. I was given a chance to do the right thing. Bow down and worship the true god, Lucifer, god of light. I was filled with fear, but I had faith in God. He had always been there for me, at least so far. So I did kneel down, and bow, but to the God I knew; the Living God. The elders went mad with rage and beat me until I finally complied with their demands. It was not OK for me to sing these precious songs, because to them I was a traitor. To a little girl it made absolutely no sense. It was just a song.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3-4

These are just some of the memories I began to receive through the revelation of the Holy Spirit when I first began my inner healing.  These are not memories I could have recovered on my own, because they were so painful they had to be buried deep in the recesses of my mind. These memories were pivotal moments in the breaking down of my relationship with God, as well as the gift of discernment He had bestowed upon me. This gift is a very hated gift in the eyes of Lucifer. Anything that can be used to get closer to God and His love is disgusting and must be banished or ruined as far as possible. The gift of discernment is far too revealing to the natural world. It reveals the spiritual world in which God resides as well as the devil without his many disguises.

Many have asked why I would want these memories to ever be retrieved. Why bring up more pain and relive the past abuse. That is a very valid question. The reason is exactly what I wrote in the first two paragraphs of this post. The painfully shy girl who was desperate for love and acceptance but scared to death to actually get it, was a byproduct of this abuse. I was taken from an innocent little girl who loved God and knew Him, to a girl who was contaminated by pure evil for the purpose of being stolen away from God. And that is how I have lived the past 37 years of my life. It is not how I was created to live; not who I was created to be.

So I had a choice: continue to live as a shell of who I should be, or take a dangerous step into the unknown, and into pain, to find a miraculous healing at the end of it. It is not for the faint of heart I suppose, but I honestly don’t consider myself to be a special person to take this task on. I’m not particularly strong or courageous, but then again neither was Abraham. He was willing to leave everything he knew to go only God knew where out of trust. He was also willing to take his beloved son to be a sacrificial lamb without question when asked. Yet he was completely weak and full of faults. I think that is the beauty of it. It is not about being something special in order to walk into your pain and greatest fear. It’s about believing the promises God has given us in the Bible, that there is something much more that we were created for. Then it’s about being desperate enough to want it.

God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:9

guardianangelsI know that everyone has their skeleton in the closet so to speak. My skeleton may be different than yours, but it is not better or worse. Every person has their burdens they must bear over the course of their life. Some are too excruciating to ever let out, and some we are able to tame enough so that we can believe they are not quite that bad. Whatever it is, it has still been left undealt with. And the longer you leave it hidden, the longer you leave it to fester and rot away in the inner most core of who you are. Like a sore that has never healed, it becomes more like a disease, that spreads throughout the entire being, corrupting as it goes. That is how I lived my life. And now I am done. I am on a journey to find freedom and healing, as long as it takes. Because Jesus is worth it. I do this for Him. Because knowing Him, all of Him (at least as much as humanly possible) and being with Him, far outweigh all the bad that I have ever had to deal with.

If you find yourself struggling internally; knowing there is something bubbling up inside and begging to be let out, or if you even only think there is that something but you aren’t quite sure; you are not alone. God, your Father, is right here with you. He has never left you alone, and He isn’t about to start right now. He wants to walk with you through this, just as He has from day 1 of your life. He has amazing plans in store for you. The question is not what, but when. When are you going to take that leap of faith and trust Him enough to surrender your heart and life and accept the healing and freedom He has for you? Today sounds like it may be a good day for that. 🙂

For you are God, O Sovereign Lord. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.

Samuel 7:28