When I first began writing this blog I did so at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I was still a very new Christian at the time, but I was inspired to share my story of how I came out of the occult and New Age into a relationship with Jesus Christ. I had told my testimony to several people that I met through church and they always walked away praising God for His glory, so I knew sharing my testimony was important.
My blog started off very slowly with very little growth or views. I then made my first YouTube video and from there I continued to share my faith and what I was learning from the Holy Spirit through both mediums. Jesus has revealed to me on many occasions that my story was going to change the world and that my ministry was going to take off. I expected it to happen right away, but while I was waiting I tried to have the patience for God’s timing.
Before I knew it I was being invited to speak on internet radio shows etc, to share my story. I had people contacting me about publishing my story on their website or even in an online newspaper. I even had one popular Christian website share my Youtube videos and they started to go viral. I was so excited that my ministry was starting to take off, but I carefully prayed about every opportunity so that I could be sure to follow God’s will.
Do not be conformed to this world, but continuously be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God’s will is—what is proper, pleasing, and perfect.
Romans 12:2
About this same time I was deep into inner healing. I had begun to find out the devastating truth that I am a survivor of Satanic ritual abuse at the hands of the Mormon church as well as my family. I had no idea how deep my ties to the occult ran, but it seemed that I was disconnecting from things constantly. Then my big break finally came. A famous Christian television show contacted me and asked to interview on TV.
I was over the moon with the thought of my story being on TV. An opportunity like that would have led to so many other great opportunities. I did the initial interview over the phone before I was to have the camera crew over to my house. However, after the interview, I felt terrible. I felt like I had been shamed and bogged down with negative emotion and I didn’t know why. I was sure this must be God’s plan for me because He had shown me He was going to elevate my testimony, but something wasn’t right.
I prayed earnestly to make sure it was indeed God’s will to do this interview, and what I heard shocked me. God was clearly telling me ‘no’. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I could not understand why He would say no. Isn’t this what He wanted for me? Hadn’t I been faithful in being open and vulnerable in front of all of the internet? So why was God punishing me?
The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.
Matthew 23:11-12
I asked a friend to pray with me so I could try to get a better understanding of why it was a ‘no’ in hopes that maybe I was just hearing wrong. Once again God was clearly saying ‘no’, but this time He showed me the why. God does not always give us a why, but in some circumstances, He does bless us with that information.
I have taught a lot about mind control programming, and how it affects our everyday lives. I have also given a lot of information about my life, and how my dissociative alters work. The devil has used my life to try to tether me to his control, so he could use me for His plans and purposes. This interview was to be no different. The plans of the enemy over my life were to use this interview to have someone on the staff reprogram me.
When you are already a highly programmed individual like I have been, it doesn’t take much to trigger programming. It could be as simple as a word, a hand signal, or a sound, and an occult loyal dissociative alter is running the body. Once that happens, that alter can be accessed for any number of things, such as rituals, or a complete take over of the body. I had already been working to be de-programmed on a weekly basis, but I still had so much connection to the occult left.
But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.
1 Timothy 6:9
That meant that if this camera crew came over and someone was used to trigger me back into a dissociative alter, it would have been used to keep me aligned with Lucifer’s agenda for my life. He could have used my testimony for his glory, by having my occult loyal alters doing witchcraft, reprogramming others, and calling out other peoples parts through my ministry. I have even been accused of doing things related to that.
Thankfully, Jesus has protected me the whole way. I have seen many people following the lure of fame or notoriety who have succumbed to the devil’s plan unwittingly. So many Christians who are coming out of the occult or New Age but are not doing in-depth inner healing to get to the many hidden layers of connections they have with the occult. It takes years of deprogramming to undo what the occult does.
I was devastated that God would take this interview from me, but I understood why. I was willing to wait in hopes that someday I might be in a place where I could not be unknowingly reprogrammed. And I still had many other opportunities coming. That is until last year when Jesus told me to take a six-month break from ministry, as well as leave all social media. I knew I needed time to work on healing, but it felt like a punishment to me.
I had massive amounts of work to do on some deep family wounds, and I am still working through some of them. Yet when I took so much time off of ministry I lost the momentum I was building with the traffic to my blog and Youtube channel. Losing traffic meant losing Adsense income that I was relying on to help my family. I came back into ministry this year slowly, and I still do not have a regular schedule for posting videos anymore.
What I had to realize was no amount of being known or Adsense money would ever be worth allowing the devil to use me for the occult. I have worked too hard and come too far to go back to where I was. As a matter of fact, I had to hear from Jesus that even as of last year, I was still dissociating enough to go to Satanic rituals. I can’t tell you how hard that was for me to hear. I mourned and wailed at the news.
I have given my life as far and wide as I could and yet still I had so much dissociation that I could go to a ritual. Being a Christian does not guarantee you are set free from the bondage of the occult or free from Lucifer. It only means you are now connected to the One who can actually free you. That freedom comes at a high price though, and it takes so much courage and humility to walk through it.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Psalm51:17
As I look back at where my ministry was a year ago, I could lament how much I have lost, but instead, I chose to rejoice over how much I’ve gained. I have finally come to enough healing for my dissociative alters that they are no longer taking over my body and leading me to rituals without my knowledge. That is a huge deal. I have lived for the past 42 years dissociating and being a part of rituals so for the first time in my entire life I can finally say, I am free.
I am not completely free of the occult yet, but from where I have come from this kind of freedom is like none I have ever seen before. It is incredible to just learn how to be me, and not have alternate personalities control my life. I get to chose how to live my life, and I chose to keep giving it to Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ is worth the highest price I have had to pay, which is the cost of giving up my own life. I could have been like the rich man who wasn’t willing to give it all up for Jesus, but instead, I walked away from so much opportunity because He asked me to.
For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
Hosea 6:6
God always has a plan and a purpose for everything He does, even when we can’t understand it. There is always a reason behind a door of opportunity shutting, and we must be careful to truly discern what is His will over what is our desire. I desired to become known, to travel and speak and write books and be on television, but that would have never satisfied me. I would have been miserable because I would have still been Lucifer’s slave.
I still believe in God’s promises to me, that He will elevate my testimony and use it to change the world, I just had to readjust my understanding of what that will look like. I have to be willing to accept that His way may never be what I thought it should be, and that’s OK. Whatever it is that God has planned for me, I am at peace with it. Whether I struggle financially or reach a place of prosperity, the only thing that matters to me is that Jesus owns me.
I am not going to whore myself out for the devil for some viral videos or a spot on TV. I am going to be faithful to what God places in front of me, and right now that means taking care of myself, continuing to heal from a lifetime of abuse, learn how to be a submissive wife, and take care of my home and family. I love to write, and so I do that gladly, and I am thankful to have an outlet for that, but I don’t need to do it for recognition or acceptance.
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
1 John 2:15-17