I have come a long way in my journey of healing my self-hatred, but no matter how far I come I can’t seem to leave it behind. So I am left asking myself: what is it about self-hatred that I subconsciously believe is helping me? The answer I came up with is my self-hatred is actually rooted in hatred for God.
That might seem really horrifying to some, but if I don’t confront these deeply hidden roots inside of me, I will continue to live them out. If I don’t examine myself and find what in my heart is still raising itself against God, they will still have power over me. I am tired of giving the devil power over me because I don’t want to know the truth about myself.
As soon as I got to the root belief that I hate God I immediately wanted to check out. This isn’t even a new belief for me either. What is new is that I am finally connecting my belief that God is evil and has allowed evil things to happen to me with my belief that I can never be good, and am also shameful and evil.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Now I know a lot of people want to subscribe to the belief that we aren’t good because we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God, however, that belief actually diminishes the work of the Holy Spirit within you. Before you are saved you fall short of His glory. After you are saved you are made alive in Christ and become holy and righteous in His sight. Therefore, as a new creation in Christ, you are indeed “good”.
What really is good by human definition though? According to the dictionary, it means “to be desired or approved of” but it can also mean “that which is morally right; righteousness”. Either way as a new creation we are indeed desired by God and approved of by Him. He no longer sees our sin but has wiped it as far as the east is to the west, and we already touched on righteousness. So I believe that telling ourselves we are not good is another deceit on part of the devil, not from God.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
Psalm103:10-13
With that being said, I want to explore more my thoughts on being a good or evil person. How is it that a baby who is attached to Lucifer himself, and then used as part of the antichrist agenda truly be evil? Did that baby ask to be connected to Lucifer? Did that baby desire to do evil works and connect to the Illuminati? Or was that baby a helpless victim? We have to ask ourselves how does God see us, who have been connected to darkness against our own free will, and have carried out these agendas because it is all we have ever known?
There is so much fear when you are connected to darkness. It is overwhelming when your own parents whore you out to Satan and you believe that Satan is actually God. Not just a god; the God. You are connected at such a young age you can’t even tell the difference. And the truth is, even if you fight it there is hell to pay until you comply. God the Father doesn’t see us as immoral, evil, corrupt humans: He sees us as innocent. Truly He does.
I know that might bother a lot of people because it doesn’t line up with their theology, but sometimes we need to ask ourselves where our theology came from. Did it actually come from the Word of God partnered with His Spirit or did it come from human philosophy and teachings? Only God truly knows His own mind, and we need to be willing to bring everything we believe under question continually to make sure it lines up.
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.
1 Peter 2:9
As for me, I still have yet to face the truth that I hate God, and therefore I hate myself. I do not want to believe I’m evil, or that the things I was made to partake in make me evil, yet I do believe it. It is a strong enough belief that I have been doing witchcraft on myself almost nonstop and I am getting desperate to get to the root of it.
I know what God says about me: I am made holy, righteous, forgiven, loved, accepted, desired, His child, made innocent by the blood of the Lamb – but I refuse to believe it. It is a stubborn stronghold, and stubbornness according to the Bible is idolatry. So what is it that I am idolizing? What is it that I must hold on so tightly to believe that God “did this to me”?
If it is true that God is indeed cruel as I believe Him to be – no better than Satan because He left me here to be violated, abused, ravaged, and have my soul shred to pieces – then what is there left to hope for? That is a hopeless existence and if that is true then I would need to make up for it by becoming my own god. If I had no God, no goodness and love, just my own resources to make it through the unspeakable perpetration against me, then by being my own god I could save myself.
It reminds me of the Tower of Babel and how man was desperate to build up a place for himself among the heavens. Ever since the beginning of man we have been trying to be our own gods. But what if we truly believed being a god could save our lives? Or save someone else’s life? Isn’t that what the devil wants us to believe? Isn’t that the exact lie he used on Jesus Christ himself?
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God
2 Corinthians 5:21
So I must ask myself, how exactly does one save themselves? Can you truly offer yourself salvation? And from what? It sounds like a way to escape from the truth of a painful existence. A way to completely check out your present reality to live. How many times have I had to split off of myself to protect myself and live? Eventually, your mind fractures so many times that you are so far removed from the original event that ever created the split in the first place.
And that event being ripped out of the very arms of God to come here to earth in the first place. It is such a horrifying event to be safe, calm, loved, accepted, and then have your spirit leave the comforts of heaven to come into a human body to be born. Isn’t that exactly what Jesus did for us? He left His throne to experience the same terror we did as He too was ripped from the bosom of His Father and made into a helpless, tiny baby?
Jesus knows exactly what we are facing and experiencing on every level because He knew what humans had to endure and so He decided to endure it with them. God is not sitting on His throne remote and removed from us, nor is He cruel and evil subjecting us to this world. God Himself came here as a man to be mocked, hated, subjected to all manner of evil, and submitted to an undeserved death, all because He was willing to walk with us right where we are at.
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
John 1:12
Right here, right now, God is with you. He loves you, He has never abandoned you, you are not a lost cause. You are good in His eyes because He created you and then He redeemed you. There is no other god who can save you or give you life outside of Jesus Christ. He is the only true and living God, and all other gods will fall away. This is not a matter of good or evil; it’s a matter of rights and privilege.
We have been given the rights to be called children of God – will we reject it in favor of our own moral fiber? And through this, we are privileged to have immunity against the penalty for our sins. Do we think that we can now become judge and jury to overrule the special privilege and rights given to us by the Living God? That is what we are ultimately doing when we decide we are not good, or that we are evil. We are becoming our own god.
So for today, I leave you with this thought: if the God of the Universe can redeem and forgive you, why can you not forgive yourself?
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us
Ephesians 1:7-8a