As I reflect on this year and what I have been through, I just have to praise the Lord. I have come a long way this year in my healing journey, to a place where I feel like I am truly being renewed. I have spent so much time this year living from a place of pain because it was easier for me to live in denial than it was to open my eyes to the truth. Not to say there is something wrong with denial, because it plays such an important role in our lives sometimes.
For me, denial has been a primary defense mechanism to help me cope with the high levels of trauma I have lived through. Denial was necessary when as a child I was being horrifically abused in Satanic rituals. Denial was what helped my brain endure the trauma and dissociate from reality so I could continue to live and function normally. If it hadn’t been for denial, I would be living with so much more pain because I would be constantly reliving the horrors of my life.
God created denial for our benefit because He knew that we would come across traumatic experiences too great for our minds to endure. Denial is a gift, as long as it is something we need and are not using to keep us from growing and healing. For me, I came to a place where denial had served its purpose and it was time to move forward with my life, but I wasn’t ready to accept that.
He will rescue the poor when they cry to him; he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
The truth of my life being a survivor was hard enough to bear, but the truth that I still had dissociative alters leading me to Satanic rituals at the coven I had been indoctrinated into as a youth was more than my mind could take. When I found out I had a total breakdown. I fell into a pit of despair and rage. I felt betrayed by myself because I wasn’t able to stop these alters from taking over my body while I was asleep and taking me to rituals.
It took me months to feel strong enough to get through the initial pain and shock of this new reality. But by then I had already gone to another ritual and was still unaware that this was happening. I was walking around living in a place of pain so deep that I couldn’t see outside of it. Yet it was in this place that I started to understand the depth of my denial and how deeply it was affecting me.
Ever since the moment, I found Jesus I have wanted nothing more than to have more of Him in my life. He is my constant, my everything, my one desire, and every time I come to a crossroads I have always chosen Him. This time was no different. I deeply desire to follow Jesus and to be free of the occult completely, and so this was the next step in my walk.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
I went months without finding any other ritual activity in my life and I truly thought I was “doing better”. However, better does not mean not going to rituals, it means to what level am I going to surrender myself to Christ. There are so many layers to our souls, and we have to work through surrendering ourselves over to Him, piece by piece until every part of us is His. I have been doing this diligently, yet still holding something back.
I am afraid of pain. Yes, I have a certain amount of strength to do what I do, yet I am terrified of pain and rejection. I have spent a lifetime in pain and being abandoned by my family and every underlying motivation I have is to protect myself from further pain and rejection. I have isolated myself in every way possible and for a time I felt very safe. But safety never comes in circumstances, it comes through Christ alone, so no matter what lengths I have gone to protect myself it has never produced the feelings of safety I desired.
What I have needed but was too afraid of has been total surrender to God. Yet how can I surrender myself completely when even God Himself could possibly reject me? I am after all nothing more than a sinner, and what is a sinner but a hellbound person? That is how I have seen myself for so long that even salvation could not compete with it. The only thing that could touch my heart to bring it into the truth of healing is letting go of denial.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.
1 Peter 2:24
Denial has been such a good friend to me for much of my life. I have truly needed it to not live in daily remembrance of the abuse, but I am not longer being abused. I have moved from surviving to thriving. I am living in a place of abundance through Jesus Christ. I have a wonderful and loving husband, a stable home life, and things that bring me joy like my pets. I am not being locked up, raped, beaten, threatened or hurt daily anymore.
So why do I need to live in a place of fear as if these things could happen to me any moment now? I do not. Thanks to Jesus Christ I have been set free. He alone had the power to save me, and He brought me back from the brink of death and hell and into His glorious light. His magnificent love has healed me and given me new depths of hope. I am finding renewing and freedom every day as I learn to walk with Him and trust Him. I no longer need for denial to be my friend, but now it can move into the past, where it belongs.
I am so thankful to Jesus that He has been with me throughout my whole life, holding my hand and taking care of me even through the direst times. He has protected me, provided for me and made a way for me to be free. What the devil meant for my destruction, Jesus used to help me set others free. We are on this journey together, brothers and sisters, and we were meant to be free. We no longer need to be captive to the devil’s yoke of authority for now through Christ we can find freedom in our submission to Him.
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
We serve a good and loving Father, who will gladly wipe every tear from our eyes. He sees our sorrow and pain and walks with us through the worst of it, knowing that His strength is all we need. And it is true. I would not be where I am today if Christ had not held me up when I was laid low. So today, listen for that still small voice calling to you “stand up and lift your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.” Luke 21:28
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.