Pain has been the theme and even motto of my life – a theme that I have embraced fully and without question as it was so deeply ingrained in the root of my psyche. I began writing poetry reflecting pain and the spirit of death when I was thirteen – a time when my life was in the most turmoil I had ever known. My mother had just sacrificed me to Baal and my father ritually produced a child within me. I was pregnant with a Nephilim hybrid and I thought I was dying.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:11
A thirteen-year-old should never have to experience this level of abuse or terror, yet this was my daily waking life. I felt helpless, abandoned, alone, and I was hostile to the world because the world as I knew it was hostile to me.
Yet somewhere, hidden within the depths of my soul was the Spirit of God within me that held fast to the hope of restoration and renewal. While outwardly I began cursing God, inwardly He was renewing my spirit so I could continue to breathe. It was only because of the breath of God within me that I could wake up every morning and live. Everything inside of me screamed “die!”, yet the Spirit of God said, “Breathe!”
And so I did.
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
1 Corinthians 15:55
Looking back on these events it is so tempting to succumb to the terror of them. My parents were trained to keep me in denial and pain, and even after physical separation, they were able to continue to run that assignment against me through their human spirits astral projecting into me. I thought cutting them out of my life would be enough, yet still, they wielded a power over me greater than I ever could know without the help of the Holy Spirit.
So I have diligently cut my way through a wild tangled forest of ley lines, ancestral ties, demonic programming, and human spirit connections until I can finally see the forest for the trees. All these years I thought I was holding on to my own pain, my own mess of a life, but it was never mine in the first place. It was the spirit of death coming from my generational lines, carving out a new place within me so I could pass it down to my generations.
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.
Psalm 82:3-4
If I hadn’t have been so completely swallowed up by the spirit of death I would have never had known the will to fight because it was the contrast between the Word of God and my life circumstances that made me see the truth. The Word of God says “Live! Be set free in Jesus’ name!”, so when I saw that I was surrounded by the spirit of death I realized something was completely wrong.
The Word of God does not ever return void, but instead, it produces fruit beyond measure. Fruit that stores up until it starts spilling over into every aspect of your life and you can’t help but notice. Sometimes it takes years to notice the overflow, but it’s there. The abundance of God flows beyond measure within us, we just have to learn how to catch our minds up to the truth.
I could easily sit here and bemoan my past circumstances and cry out to the Lord to make it all go away. Believe me, I have over a million times. But just as many times as I have cried out for release, I have also cried out for the Truth, because it is only through the truth that we shall be set free. So I face the truth daily, and I accept the fact that this world is not what it seems. It is covered by an illusion, a veil if you will, hidden from the mind of unbelievers.
Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.
2 Corinthians 3:12-16
It is not until you get your whole self caught up with the truth that you will see and believe that God is One, and He is God alone. There is no other God outside of Yehovah Yireh. He is the only Way. All other ways will fall flat in their untruths until they are exposed for what they are: false idols in our midst.
It has taken me a long time to come to that realization, but I will tell you it was worth the fight. It was not that I consciously did not believe, it was that my whole self, united together under God, was under a strong delusion by the spirit of death. Until that was released I could not find peace.
Today, I renounce the words spoken over me to release me into a life of pain, fear and worship of the spirit of death. I now proclaim over my life and soul ” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And “In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
Hebrews 10:19-22