Living In Darkness

Disillusioned and Desperate

This is how desperate I was to be loved – and how disillusioned I was about what love actually was. I was at a party and met a cute boy. He liked me, I liked him, so we had sex. Yep, right there at the party. He asked me to be his girlfriend, so it turned out great for me. And as we were sitting there on the couch I asked him how old he was. I mean, I didn’t know much about him other than his first name and that he liked to smoke pot as much as I did. What more do two people need to have in comm, right? This boy tells me he is 15. 15! I was 17, just out of high school. I was in shock to say the least. What was I to do, considering I just slept with him and told him I would be his girlfriend? So I apprehensively went along with the relationship. As I said, this is a sign of how desperate and disillusioned I was. disillusioned

This boy didn’t live very close to me and I didn’t have a car. I took the bus everywhere as I had no real desire to drive at that point in time. Most of my life happened relatively close to my house and I had no need to drive. The bus transportation in my city was great. I  needed to figure out what the heck I was going to do with my life and find a way to see the boy more often. So I decided to try the Regional Occupation Program and go for something that sounded like I could make a career at it. Besides, the class I wanted to take just happened to be at the boys high school. I hadn’t taken school seriously before, but to be fair, I really couldn’t. In school the days just floated by me in a daze because I was so depressed. I hated life, hated myself, my parents, school, people, everything. So thinking ahead to what I would do once I got out just wasn’t happening.

On the days I had class I would take a long bus ride out to the part of town where the boy lived. I would take my class and then we would go back to his apartment after school. It worked out perfectly. I was a happy girl in love and in a great relationship. Yes, desperate and disillusioned. His parents liked me, I met other family members, it was great. It was the most normal I had felt in a long time. That is until he dumped me for another girl.

I had gotten clingy and couldn’t live without him, and I guess it was too much for him. One night I took the last bus over to his house to surprise him. I missed him so much and I just wanted to be with him. I often spent the night, so it wasn’t that unusual. However when I got there he told me it was over and I needed to leave. I was beside myself in pain. Another relationship down the hole with nothing to show for it. I was too far to get home on my own and the bus stopped running for the night. Somehow I was able to remember my sister’s phone number and call her from a pay phone for a ride.

I just didn’t think I could take any more heart-break. Life was already so awful, and now I was alone all over again. My life felt like a series of failures and misery and I just wanted it to be good. Just once. At least I had my pot to escape into. I would smoke it and feel a sort of relief as the numbness washed over me. I could just zone out on music or a mindless tv show and make it go away, just for a little bit.

Love is the most important thing we as humans need. We are lost without it. Broken. Desperate. Disillusioned. There is no power greater in this world. It brings us hope, trust, faith. It covers fear, shame, hate, anger. It heals and cleanses. No wonder my life was in such utter disarray. No wonder I was willing to give my heart to a boy when I was about to become a woman. No wonder I thought I might just fall down dead for lack of it. It is the key to our existence. But I want you to know right now, you are desperately loved. Whether you believe it is true or not. There is one who loves you more than anything in this world. One who loves you so much he would humble himself to the lowliest position there is just to reach you. One who loves you so much he would do anything to get your attention. One who loves you so very much, that he is willing to die for you. Are you ready to meet him?