Living With Dissociative Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder is something I have lived with my entire life, I just didn’t know it. I remember being a child and seeing Sybil on Oprah one day. The thought of having a bunch of different people living inside one body scared me immensely. She would just switch from one personality to another, each personality very distinct from another. To me, that was what crazy looked like.

I have never had any reason to believe I have Dissociative Disorder. I have never seen anything even remotely resembling Sybil in myself, and I never even really knew anything else about Multiple Personality Disorder outside of that. To my knowledge, I was just a regular, whole person. Sure, I had my issues, but who didn’t? I was always quite convinced that my life wasn’t as bad as some people must surely have it. That is exactly what the devil would have me believe, so I would not search for the truth behind what I knew was wrong in my life.

Dissociation is a psychological mechanism that allows the mind to hide away traumatic memories from the conscious mind. It is God’s gift to the human mind that allow us to continue to live and function in the midst of trauma. However, Satan has also used it to his advantage. He has turned dissociation into a tool to create alternate personalities that can be programmed through mind control.

I have been in inner healing therapy for about 2.5 years now. When I first began, I was in a really desperate place. I had been recently saved and experienced a complete turn around in my life. Jesus Christ had awakened my soul to His amazing love, and it had radically transformed me. However, after a year into my relationship with Jesus, I realized something was very wrong still. Depression and rage still consumed me from the insight out, and I knew that it was time to find out why.

It took me a year of desperate searching and begging God for help before I came to inner healing. I had no idea why my life was in shambles, my health was a wreck, and my emotional life was bleak. It wasn’t util a few months in to inner healing I found out the reason for the deep seated pain that had haunted me all my life. I was a victim of satanic ritual abuse.

Still I did not know I had DID, or what that even was. It took almost a year of inner healing to begin to understand that I was made up of a complex inner system of dissociative alters. Learning you are a ritual abuse survivor is not something that comes easily. It is a painful process that takes time to process and understand. Just finding out you were in a satanic ritual as a child is enough to try to cope with on it’s own. With Jesus you take the journey one painful step at a time into a gentle healing.

In most of my inner healing sessions, I have to uncover horrific memories of extreme pain and suffering. This is how dissociative identities are created. These identities are created so that they can run a type of mind control programming. Each type of programming functions independently from the rest of the conscious mind, so that the dissociative person has no idea it is running.

I would say I have a very strong personality type. I am outspoken, passionate, and fiercely loyal. These are all character traits that were given to me as a gift from God. However, these are also traits that the devil has used against me. In order to keep me from being outspoken about sharing the truth, he has had to devise layers upon layers of programming to keep me quiet.

Some of this “don’t talk, don’t tell” programming comes with the imminent threat of death. If you tell what happened you die, or someone you love dies. They make sure to reinforce these threats in a very real way before a very young child. As a vulnerable and helpless child, you learn early on that you comply or suffer the consequences.

Once they break down the psyche into thousands and thousands of parts, it is very easy to access the inner most brain where they hide these traumatic events. However, these dissociative identities carry around the memory of these traumatic events, and this eventually can lead to a total breakdown of the mind.

I have had many such breakdowns over the course of my life. I have lived with extreme depression, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, extreme rage to the point of violence, and more. I have tried to tame and manage it with drugs and alcohol, which served it’s purpose for a time. I have had times where I probably should have been checked in to a mental institute, because I was bent on my own destruction.

My hatred for my self and for life was a constant theme starting at age 13. I never knew why I wanted to die so badly, I only knew it seemed like the only answer to relieve my constant misery. Yet I still could not pinpoint why I was so miserable. This is an example of having dissociative disorder. Having extreme mood swings, or intense emotional outbreaks that you cannot easily explain is normal when you have dissociative disorder.

The alternate parts are taking turns coming into the forebrain to run the body. These alters can run the body for minutes, hours, or even days. It all depends on what has triggered them to come forward. There are many types of trauma triggers in this world, and thanks to the devil, he will continue to make sure that they are hidden everywhere. I have had many classic movies, Disney movies, popular songs, etc. used in my mind control programming. So certain words, phrases, songs or images can be a trigger for that alter to run it’s programming.

My mood swings went from elated, to depressed, to angry, to vengeful and spiteful, to raging, and back to sad again, but that could be over a period of days or even longer. Having dissociative disorder does not look obvious to the outside world. You may even seem to have reasons for your emotions, even if they seem to be out of control. Yet for a dissociative person, having your emotions out of control may seem perfectly normal. You have experienced life this way for so long you have come to accept it.

For some, they believe they have a chemical imbalance or metal illness. When your mind has been bent and manipulated at will the way mine has, then it is absolutely possible those things are true. The problem is, that when the Dr.’s tell us these are normal things that can be managed through counseling and medication, they are bypassing the deeper reasons why a person is living a life out of control. There are many, many other people, who like me, have experienced a high level of in depth trauma and have no recollection of it whatsoever.

It is only through Jesus Christ that I know that I am a Survivor today. It is only because I was desperate enough to search relentlessly for the answers, and humble enough to put myself in the vulnerable state of hearing the truth. For me, the truth is more important than living a lie that covered up the reasons for my pain. My pain has been like an ocean flooding my soul and I was so tired of living in a constant state of drowning.

Today, with the help of Jesus Christ, I am healing my alternate identities weekly. It is a long process, and I fully expect it to take as many more years as needed. I am fully committed to completing the process Jesus has helped me begin. It is very difficult to know that I have been a victim of extreme terror and abuse, but it is also so freeing to know the truth. Denial got me through life for a season, but when I met Jesus Christ I knew that finally there was so much more to life than the pain I had always known.

I still have to live with the dissociative disorder and parts that can come forward to run my brain. However, I am more capable of recognizing when that is happening and grounding myself in who Christ has created me to be. Outspoken, passionate, and fiercely loyal. I am no longer a victim, I am an over comer.