You would think with the life I had I would have gotten into drugs much sooner, but I was wholeheartedly against drugs. That is until there were no more options to escape my problems. One day I decided to be bold and to bring a bottle of alcohol I found in the house to school. I shared it with some friends during the day. It didn’t take much for me to be really, really tipsy. I was stumbling around school, and it is a wonder that I didn’t get into major trouble. I didn’t love being drunk, but it was something new for me. It made all the pain go away. Or at least it distorted it, changed it into something blinding to something further away and confusing.
I tried drinking a couple more times, but alcohol would never be my drug of choice. That would be pot. Weed. Mary Jane. Whatever you want to call it. I got my hands on some and rolled it into the best little joint I could. Right before school friends and I stood in the alley across the street and smoked it. I had no idea what I was doing. I had smoked cigarettes a few times before, but hated those. I wasn’t even sure I felt anything.
Off I went to my first class, Spanish. I wasn’t sure what I felt, but it was different. Better than normal. Almost numb. And a little goofy. Good compared to normal. Very good. It wasn’t long before I was smoking it every day. There was just something comforting about the act of smoking it. I can see why cigarettes are very addicting. I was not addicted though. I was real. I made new friends, and we would hang out and just smoke away the world. Parents? Who cares? School? Who cares? Boys? Who cares? All my problems went up in a could of smoke.
With my new friends came new boys to obsess over. While I may have numbed that deep longing to just be loved and accepted, I was still fully aware that it was there, nagging away at me. I loved boys with long hair, just like the ones in the rock bands I worshiped. One boy in particular caught my attention with his long black hair. He was tall and gorgeous and I wanted him bad.
Well I got him all right. After hanging out with the gang one night we went back to his house and had sex. For one whole minute. Yes literally. Then he kindly told me I could stay the night as long as I slept on the floor. Not because he was afraid we would get caught, but because he was done with me. He was an older boy and although he lived with his mom, she did not care who he brought home and what he did. I found out later they called him The Minute Man because he was known to just use girls to get off like that.
I was disgusted, hurt and angry as I lay on the floor that night. I was too far from home to walk and had no other way to get home. I was just another object again. It killed me to be just a piece of trash, used up and discarded. I wanted nothing more to do with him, but we hung out in the same group. I did not ever have sex with him again, but apparently he put the word out that I was easy.
Not long after I was at a party with a group of the cool kids from school. I don’t even know how I got involved with this party seeing as I was far from being cool myself. As I said, I could barely look anyone in the eye I was so embarrassed in my own skin. There were drugs and alcohol flowing freely at the party, because the parents of the boy who was playing host were out-of-town.
This boy was a popular boy, with a popular girlfriend, who happened to not be there. I didn’t think I could ever get the attention of someone like that, but I guess I was now marked with the scarlet letter. The boy asked me if he wanted to see the pot plants he was growing in his room and of course I said yes. I was an addict and so seeing it was actually exciting for me. Once in his room we looked at his growing set up, then sat on his bed and talked. Inside me I burned with excitement of the attention I was getting. It was wonderful and he was really cool and cute. I couldn’t believe it and thought maybe he would like me!
Alas, I was just another object in his path to be used. After talking for a while he pulled me on top of him and we started kissing. I wasn’t sure it was where I wanted it to go, but I didn’t want to push him away for fear he wouldn’t like me. I just wanted to be special. But I wasn’t special to him, I was just something to be used. And used me he did. He got excited and I was the most convenient place to aim for.
I had never had that kind of experience before. It was awful. So awful. He gave me something to wipe off with, and was clearly embarrassed. I was dumbfounded. I barely knew what had happened at that point. I didn’t even know what to do. Luckily he did – he went to go find a ride home for me. I really didn’t think my night could get any worse. But it did. The guy that was driving was so drunk and high he could barely control the car. At one point we were up on two wheels and I was certain I was going to die. I made it home alive and scared out of my mind. I never wanted to see any of those people again.
Except when I saw that boy at school, I longed for his attention. Longed for him to get rid of his girlfriend and ask me out. I didn’t want to me just some slutty girl, I wanted to be loved and accepted. I was so miserable and I didn’t want to be looked down on by him and all his friends.
I wish I could say that my tango with drugs was short-lived, but unfortunately this was just the beginning of the dance. You see when Mary Jane asked me to dance, I had no idea that even she could not satisfy me. Could not fill that bleeding hole in my heart. That hole just kept getting bigger, no matter how hard I tried to fill it. Soon it would become so big I would be drowning in it.
There is a beautiful freedom when you bring all your darkness into the light. Your fears, anxieties, your past mistakes, your sadness. You see darkness cannot exist in the light. It is simply not possible. The light casts away all fear and shame and brings you into a new life. There is healing for all you who seek it. You are not your past, and you were meant to live and be free. Just as I am now free.
Marijuana addiction is very real. I struggled with it for many, many years. Please check out this site to see if these Signs of Addiction fit you, so you can get help.