When I was a child, I truly believed that the Illuminati destroyed my life and stole every last shred of hope from me. Everywhere I looked, it proved to be true. My family betrayed me at the deepest levels, as I was severely abused in every way there is to abuse a child. Worse than that, I believed that God also had betrayed me. I believed down to the core of my soul that God abused me and then abandoned me to be abused by others.
I have carried these beliefs with me for my entire life never accessing them on a conscious level because the pain of the betrayal was too great. Like Jonas, I have run as far in the opposite direction I could from this pain but finally, it seems my bitterness has caught up with me and I can no longer deny it. Oh, how I long to deny the truth, that I have lashed out at everyone I love and believed that even my husband and children wanted to harm me.
I have believed the whole world is out to get me and lived as though it’s true, and in the process, I have deeply hurt myself and others I love because I have kept everyone, including God, at arm’s length. I have even managed to push away from myself because it was the only way to deny the pain I feel. It’s so easy to blame everyone else around me for being mean or hurtful, but if I am the one choosing to ignore the root of the problem and deal with it, then the blame has to rest on me.
But Jesus said to him, “Judas, would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?”
Luke 22:48
While it is absolutely not my fault that I was so severely abused and rejected by my own family that I grew a deep root of bitterness and hatred, it is my fault that as an adult I am still running away from it as though I were still a child. It’s time to put away childish things and face the truth inside of me. I would rather hurt others than face the hurt that others caused me in the past.
Yet here I have been for 7 years begging God to heal me of my anger. I have actually worked really hard to heal the pain that has been like an ocean inside of me, and God has worked a hundred miracles to free me, but only because I have been willing to surrender.
Surrender is such a long hard path, especially when you are facing a mountain inside of you, but sometimes you have to realize that the mountain you are trying to move isn’t budging because you don’t want it to.
“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.”
Job 42:2-3
Well, I am tired of sacrificing myself because I think it’s actually going to save me. It’s never saved me before, and it isn’t working now. I am actually just teaching my children to do the same as I unleash all my anger on them. To be fair, I have come a long way with my anger, but suddenly it has come back like a raging wildfire and even I am being consumed by it now.
The beginning of dealing with bitterness and betrayal is to acknowledge what God has done for you. Yes, you need to admit you have the anger and pain there, but sometimes even to do that you first have to start with who God says He is.
I could not believe that God was good for so long. I wanted desperately to believe it. I truly would worship Him with my whole heart, and my love has been genuine and real, but those times have been too few and too far between because the crushing weight of despair has crowded out everything else in my life. What I have had to realize is how absolutely and incredibly faithful God has been to me.
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.
Psalm 27:10
You see, the enemy has tried to kill me over and over again. I should never have been born by his standards. Yet when he couldn’t kill me, he sought to disarm me with fear, hate, betrayal, and pain. I have been like the walking dead, moving through my life with so little joy or hope. Every time I would find hope it would fly away as if a bird on the wind. I could not take hold of it and make it mine, no matter how hard I tried.
There are two reasons for that. One, I have believed I don’t deserve hope or joy, and two, I have given over rights to all my hope and joy to the enemy. Yes, there were rights given over satanically through rituals by my family, but I gave it over with my own free will. I gave up. I choose bitterness, hatred, and revenge.
I am not saying I am to blame. This lays strictly at the feet of the enemy – but if I continue to refuse to see the part I have willingly played in this, then I am his accomplice, and that is not okay with me. So I hereby state to you Satan, that I am done being complicit in your deceit. I am done agreeing to your lies. I am done standing in the way of my mountain and I am asking, no begging you God, to please make it move.
Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. 7 Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel, you shall become a plain. And he shall bring forward the top stone amid shouts of ‘Grace, grace to it!’”
Zechariah 4:6-7
I can’t do it without you, Jesus. I can’t do this alone. I feel rotten to the core and I know that it’s not true. You have told me you have made me righteous, that I am forgiven, and that my sins are no more, but I can’t believe it. I need you to change me and heal me so I can be set free to worship you will all of my heart and soul, forever.
I love you Lord so much. I need you so desperately. Please help me. I want to be the woman you created me to be, and I don’t want to live like I am dead anymore.
So today, I urge you to ask yourself, how has God been faithful for you? What can you be thankful for that He is doing right now? And how have you allowed the lies of the devil in that have made you complicit?
We are in this together. You are not alone. We are walking this path together, brothers and sisters, and God is with us. He is mighty to save, and He will never leave us or forsake us. On the contrary, He will use all of this for our good.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33