When I was growing up as a young girl in the 80’s, feminism had just come to a peak, changing social attitudes and laws regarding the way women are seen and treated. It was a great time for women to be whatever they wanted to be, whether that meant to have a career and a family, climb the corporate ladder, or have sex with whomever you wanted, women were enjoying of liberation from their oppression.
The Sexual Revolution meant women could have sex and be a sexual being without being objectified and used by men. More so, women could turn the tables on men and use them for their own pleasure instead, while remaining independent and free. It was an example played out on television and movies to reiterate the point, making it more real.
While it is true that women have been mistreated and seen injustice and persecution, the feminist movement is not being led by true freedom that comes from the Spirit of God. Instead, these ideas come out of the antichrist agenda to be the master of our own lives instead of relying on God in every circumstance.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
This goes back to the curse over Eve to desire to dominate and have control over man. While the feminist ideal of being an independent woman who has charge over her own life and sexuality was born out of a need to be free from domination, it has not brought liberation. Instead, we have become slaves to discontentment as we continually strive to be our own gods.
In my daily life as a child, I was sexually and physically abused, not just by men but also by women. This led me into the belief that I needed to rise up against the abuse even if that meant becoming the abuser. I had no idea what feminism was, I was just a little girl. But all the messages of being a strong, independent woman who never would need anyone fed into my strong desire to no longer be abused and controlled.
I was continually sexually abused throughout my teen years into my early twenties and I was determined that no one was ever going to dominate me again. I tried desperately to not be used and abused yet I continued to fall prey to sexual predators who knew they could take advantage of me. Every relationship was another avenue of abuse and control, that I fought against but could never escape.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
As I grew older I had no idea I was a feminist, but I held the same belief systems as the feminist movement. I believed I was in control of my body and had a right to an abortion. I believed I was equal or even above men in every way. I believed that I had a right and responsibility to be a woman of strength and power in this world. Little did I know that these beliefs were instilled into me through rigorous methods of abuse.
Growing up in a satanic cult, sexual abuse was a part of every ritual. You are violated at every level from infancy. As a female you are told you are a slave, you are owned by the occult, and you are not a person, but just a receptacle for their spirits. You are treated like a whore and even used as a prostitute. You are married in rituals to Lucifer who comes to embody a human to make it legally binding both physically and spiritually.
This abuse is only the beginning of the conditioning. You are started out by being conditioned to accept abuse and the spirits that come with it, yet as you rise in power through accepting the spirits, you begin to be treated like a goddess. At a very young age, they begin the rituals to make you believe you are a goddess, as you learn to open up and allow different spirits in. Instead of being abused you are being set upon a pedestal and worshipped, being told you are a beautiful, life-giving, powerful goddess.
For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
I had no memory of any of these rituals as I began my journey into learning about Wicca and other polytheistic religions. The goddess became one of the most important aspects of my belief system in my early adulthood as I embraced paganism and the freedom it brought me. The goddess was the mother and the creator of all life as it is birthed through her. Life began with the goddess, and without the goddess, the god-head was incomplete. The goddess was the embodiment of what all women should strive to be. Beautiful, powerful, authoritative, life-giving.
Many men came into my life who feed into this lie, telling me I was a goddess and worshipping as a sexual being. I wanted to believe I was a strong, independent woman who could not be controlled yet I never had power or control over my own life. I had rejected God as another perpetrator and violator but what I couldn’t see was this was exactly what Lucifer wanted: a God-hating woman bent on being free from abuse by becoming the perpetrator herself.
When I finally met a man who was kind, loving, and selfless, who showed me love for the first time in my life, I rejected him. I was mistrustful of his gifts and his kindness, and honestly, I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Yet for the first time, I was dating a man who did not try to have sex with me. Instead, he wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch movies and never once made a move on me. I was absolutely baffled by a man who was gentle and kind and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
As our relationship progressed I changed from my usual submissive self to a more domineering person. Here was someone who finally was not trying to control me and would allow me to become the dominant person in charge of the relationship. It felt great to have so much control for once. I relished in the power and I was cruel to him. I could verbally attack him and he would not fight back. I had finally won at life and was no longer the victim.
What I didn’t understand is that being victimized isn’t just about being abused. My role in this relationship was a complete set up that started from the time I was a young girl. Every time I was sexually violated through rituals and abused in relationships I was being trained to become the dominator. While I thought I had power and control over my life, I was really just being used by Lucifer to become just like him.
How far away from God’s design for my life I had come, yet I had no idea. I hated myself, men, and the entire world, and I used that hate to fuel my desire for revenge as I lashed out at everyone around me. God created me to be a sweet, nurturing, loving woman who shows the love of Christ to others, and instead, I was modeling the antichrist agenda I was indoctrinated into.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
If I could have seen the bigger picture of God’s love, maybe I could have recognized that Jesus sent me someone to love me just the way He does; selfless and unconditionally. Maybe I would have recognized that by trying to be free of abuse I had become the abuser, just like the people who hurt me all my life. And maybe I would have recognized that I was allowing all the pain and anger to control me so that I was never truly free.
It wasn’t until I came into a relationship with Jesus Christ that I began to realize that I was full of incredible depths of pain and rage. Once I experienced the love of Christ He transformed my life, but I could not stop being verbally abusive to my husband and children. I could not contain the rage masquerading all the pain.
I begged and pleaded with God to change me, to take away my anger, and to help me to be the kind and sweet woman I knew I should be. But it never stopped. I was like a raging storm that could break out at any given moment and I had no control.
I became desperate to see the change in me that I knew should come, but it never did. It wasn’t until recently that I have actually had huge breakthroughs in my inner healing to free me from Lucifer’s bondage of anger and hatred. I have had to work through intense pain stemming from years of abuse and neglect.
I learned that I have worshipped hatred and pain because it has helped me to survive through the torment. Satan has hidden these roots so deep in my psyche it has taken me 3 years of weekly inner healing to begin to uncover it all.
Lucifer would have me believe I am mean, cruel, evil and bent towards destroying life, but that is not the truth. The truth is that I was born into a world that is full of sin and because my family desired power I was whored out to Satan to further his antiChrist agenda.
I am not evil, nor am I a powerful goddess who needs to be feared and revered; I am just a broken woman doing the best she can after a lifetime of abuse at the hands of those that were meant to nurture her.
In God’s Kingdom, being submissive means receiving the power of Christ, who strengthens you to persevere through adversity. In Satans kingdom, being submissive means receiving the power of the spirits you accept, so you can rise to the highest levels of the occult and become greater than god. You believe you are untouchable, but you are nothing more than his slave.
I am so thankful that I could see firsthand the abuse the enemy has used in this world to try to control us because now I am wise to his ways. It is so easy to believe we need to have power and control, always having our way and believing we are right. As people, we get sucked into these beliefs that we can be our own gods and we can’t even see it. We feel justified in believing in our own power and strength to make it through the obstacles of this world, not understanding that is exactly what brought sin into the world in the first place.
We were never meant to rise to higher levels of power or to be masters of our own worlds. We were created for relationship, first with God, then with others. It is through these relationships we learn about the truly important things of this world. Love, honor, submission, humility, gratitude. We were created to love and be loved, and to learn that the power of God’s love can destroy every obstacle in our way.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Yet just like Jesus, love came to change the world not through power and control, but by changing the hearts of man. If we want to see a change in ourselves, or even in this world, we must start in our own lives. We must be willing to see where we have tried to be our own gods, and instead of condemning ourselves for it, we must surrender it to Jesus Christ so He can heal it. Just because we have tried to be like God, doesn’t mean we can’t still turn our lives over to Jesus and ask Him to take the wheel.
Jesus knows our hearts and why we have made the choices we have, and just like me, He knows you are not evil; just a broken soul trying to do the very best you can with what you have been handed. Surrendering my life to Christ has brought me incredible levels of healing and freedom, and so much joy. Where once I was a slave to Lucifer, I am now gladly a servant to Christ.
As I have worked with Jesus to heal from the abuse and domination in my life, I have come to find joy in being a servant of Christ in my home. I desire to honor and respect my husband, as the sweet and gentle soul God created me to be.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.