As I have been walking through my journey of inner healing I have had a lot of difficult days. When I have my inner healing session every week, the Holy Spirit always helps me to recall memories that have been blocked out of my conscious mind due to severe trauma. The purpose for this is to continue to break off rights that were given to me through these satanic rituals, which I brought me continued oppression and allowed me to live in false beliefs. These false beliefs have wreaked havoc in my soul for my entire life.
For instance, the beliefs that I am fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and a piece of you know what, were things that have been spoken over me as a child in these rituals. They have been beaten into me. I have internalized them so strongly that I didn’t even realize they were there. I mean, I realized that I constantly beat myself up, telling myself I was fat and ugly and a stupid idiot, but I didn’t think twice about saying those things to myself daily. It just was true. It was my reality.
This is not the reality anyone is born with however. When we are created in heaven by our loving Father, we are bestowed with all the love and wonder and beauty of God Himself. We are a glorious treasure in His eyes. He is so proud of us, as He sends us to this earth to be a mighty soldier for His Kingdom. Yet the devil does not want to allow this. So he works tirelessly to take every good thing from God from us. To tear us down into a million pieces, just like he had done to me.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
When a child experiences any level of hate, trauma or abandonment in their lives, no matter how great or small, it causes a ripple effect throughout their entire lives, unless the problems it creates are addressed and healed. The human brain is designed to be relational, and to thrive off other human interactions. We were designed to be in relationship with our parents and family, which is a way to teach us to grow in relationship with the Triune God, and the Body of Christ. When these relationships are abusive and traumatic, it shapes the development of the brain, which leads to change in the normal ways of emotional, behavioral and cognitive functioning.
Many people are very unaware of what abuse actually is. When you grow up in an environment, it is all you know, and that is what it is normal to you. Most people who have been abused have a hard time seeing it, as it has become accepted as a normal part of life to them. Abuse comes not in just being sexually accosted, or violently treated, but it has many levels. God did not intend for any of His children to live in anything other than love, nurture, acceptance and His goodness. Yet as humans we have taken our proclivity for sin and used it to create generation after generation of harm, violence, punishment and hate.
“How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words?”
Please read this article for more detailed information on the different types of abuse and what it looks like. As I was growing up I was absolutely miserable. I hated myself, my life, and I wanted to die. I believed death was the only solution to my hellish misery that God had allotted me, and I coveted it like a prized possession. Yet as I grew into my teen years and adult years, I began to make excuses for my life.
I continued to tell myself that my life was not that bad. That it could have been worse. That many people had it worse. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to come out of things a better person, not a weak victim.It was so easy for me to tell myself that any abuse I did remember was OK. It allowed me to believe I was healing and forgiving. The only thing it allowed me to do was live in continued denial about the depth of my pain and the effects on my shattered soul.
I truly did not believe that many of the experiences I had in my life were abuse. So once the Holy Spirit began to bring memories back for me, I began to realize that my life was nothing like the picture I had created for myself. I also realized that all the pretenses I had created to comfort myself were not only keeping in bondage, but also keeping me from freely experiencing God’s promise for me.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
We experience the love of God to degree we allow it in. Our perception of God comes through a filter of how we see ourselves, and vice versa. So when the core of us believes we are ugly, or stupid, or worthless, then we have a very hard time believing God could ever love us, or see us as good. So we reject God because we believe that He has allowed pain and terrible things in this world, and a God like that cannot possibly be good.
It has taken me over a year of healing to come to the place where I finally started getting to some deep roots of self hate. I honestly could not believe I had self hate, even though I could see it clear as day. The core of who I am believed the lies the devil had sown into me, and therefore became a part of my internal belief system. God has been reaching out to me my entire life, waiting to comfort me and bring me His peace, yet I had held out my hands to stop myself from receiving it. My core beliefs told me I did not deserve anything good.
The beautiful thing is, that God wastes nothing. Every bad thing the devil does is nothing compared to what God can do. As a matter of fact, God loves to take things of evil against us, things that were meant to harm us, and turn them around into miracles that glorify the true love and goodness of His heart. Just as Satan asked permission to sift Peter like wheat. This even caused Peter to deny Christ, not once, but three times. Yet God took that act and turned it into a display of His love.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Peter was not only readily accepted and forgiven for his rebellion, but also used to bring many, many more into God’s Kingdom. That is the awesome love of our Father. He is good. And He will use every bad thing, every pain, every act of evil, even to the smallest degree, to turn it around and bring His goodness and love into your life. All of these things that have brought you pain and frustration are going to be used to bring such a measure of love into this world, that it will bring you to your knees.
We cannot possible fathom the fullness of God’s promise until we begin to surrender all of our inner most recesses to Jesus. It took me thirsty six years to come to the point where I could even begin to surrender my broken soul to Jesus. I had so much pain and hate in my soul, that it was absolutely unbearable to uncover it, even to Jesus, who is the safest haven that there is. Yet slowly, as He brought me healing, I began to see His trustworthiness. I knew that I could keep going deeper, that I could keep revealing the secret things inside of me, and that Jesus would indeed work these things for my good.
And Jesus will work all things for your good to, if you only will allow Him. You do not have to wait to surrender your heart to Christ. If you are struggling, if you are in pain, if you have lost your identity in Christ, your way to God, your desire to live, or your joy and peace, then you know that Jesus is speaking to you. Come to Him. Trust Him. He is good. He loves you. You, Beloved, are His hearts desire. To be with you, to talk to you, to heal you. Freedom is here. Are you willing to step into it? Jesus is here.
So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God.
2 Timothy 1:8