Finally I was able to move out of my parents house when I was 20. I had managed to spend the previous couple of years hiding in my room from them, or just being gone. I was still working only part time and had moved from various food service jobs. I didn’t get far from my parents however. I moved in right next door.
The woman who owned the house next door hadn’t lived there for years. She was now renting out a room to a guy for really cheap. I had gotten to know the guy because I would go over there and we would get high together. It was all perfectly innocent between us, although I did suspect he might like me. He was quite a bit older though, and had fought to achieve “crazy” status so he could live off of SSI. I wasn’t sure if he was really crazy, but I didn’t doubt it too much.
So in I moved right next to my parents house. It was still freedom, and the price was what I could afford. I rode my bike everywhere and it felt great. I had a crew of friends who lived in the neighborhood and we lovingly called ourselves “freaks”. I say that because we enjoyed being outcasts and delighted in the strange. I often dressed in all black and I had my long hair dyed jet black. It went great with my black leather trench coat.
We were all good friends and enjoyed getting high and a few of us started a garage band together. I did let my friendship with one of the guys (because all my friends were guys) turn into an obsession on my part. After a year of friendship I fell madly in love, or maybe just madly in obsession, who knows. He was so strange and thin and pale. Maybe it was my love of vampires that caused me to be attracted to him. I was all over the place with my crushes. I even had a mad crush on one of my bosses, and he was the clean, straight laced type.
When I was home alone though I would work on my magic spells and continue to study about the occult. At one point I began to study the Kabbalah or Jewish Mysticism. The rituals I began to work became more intense and it brought me to new levels of connectedness to everything. I began to become more mindful of staying in white magic and not working any grey or dark magic. Magic is all about intent. When you have intention that your magic be for the good of all, you are working white magic. Black magic is the opposite – it is with intent to harm. Grey magic is in between the two, neither for good or for harm, so not necessarily the best. I really felt that I was creating something positive with what I was doing, because it was for the good of all. I loved the earth and animals and nature. People still frightened me though. I guess that’s why obsessions were easy for me to fall into – it was love from afar that wouldn’t cause me the pain of rejection.
My new life gave me a new boldness to do things I never would have done. As a child I was deathly afraid of the dark. I remember laying in bed, scrunched up with the blankets on me even though it was hot, because it was the only way I would be safe from the monsters under the bed. So I wanted to conquer my fear of the dark by facing it head on. I would often walk around at night alone, listening to my walk man and smoking a joint. And I would use magic to protect myself. I would pray to the gods and goddesses and ask for protection, while envisioning a protective light that would hide me from anything bad. And I was protected completely – but not because of gods and goddesses.
There was one time that I actually went looking for trouble though. I went out and purposely walked along a busier street than normal so that I would run into people. That night was a particularly bad one. I was so alone, so sad, so desperate to talk to someone and be noticed. A car pulled up along the curb with three big guys in it. They asked me to get in, so I did. We drove to a part of town that was pretty far and unfamiliar to me. They tried to rape me, and somehow (and by that I mean I can’t recall the event that well now) I got away and did not get raped. They were pretty rough with me though and I ended up getting dropped off in a neighborhood not to far from my own. I walked home and never tried that again. I was completely shaken up.
Another time a couple of friends and I sneaked into a cemetery one night. The plan was to read poetry amongst the dead. It was all very romantic in a gothic sort of way. At least in my mind it was. There was a freshly dug grave open that night, awaiting a casket to fill it. We took turns each laying in it. I had to conquer any fear of death I had too. What better way than hanging out at a cemetery for fun in the middle of the night?
Of course I know now how very naive and foolish I was to live my life like this. It is very clear to me that it wasn’t luck or prayer to gods and goddesses, or a magic spell of protection that saved me. There is only one who could have the power to protect me. One who had hope and a plan for a future for me. One who is able to take all this and work it for good, not harm. One who preserved me from my enemies and stretched out his hand against their wrath. One who did not hate me even though I did evil, but forgave me and gave me strength to persevere.
Magic and witch craft are very real. And very dangerous. Paganism is entering into a dark spiritual realm, a world that is unseen by the human eyes. I know from experience. They perform magic arts with the intent to create change with the spiritual world. Witches do not realize it, but they are engaging in evil practices when they enter into this spiritual world. They have no intent to harm, but unfortunately intention isn’t enough to turn evil into good. Pagans have very good intentions and love in their hearts, but they are very misguided and believe many lies. Once you begin to dabble into the occult, your mind becomes confused and your heart to darken. That means any part of it – tarot cards, Ouija boards or contacting the dead, astrology, divination or fortune telling. Do not be fooled by these things, because they are all tools of evil.