My senior year my life changed quit a bit. I did not have a boyfriend that year. I hadn’t given up on love, but I was just too painfully shy and introverted. I was an outcast of my own making. I was what you would call a “rocker”. You know how in high school you have all the stereo typical roles to fill – preppy, jock, rapper, nerd. Well I was a rocker. I loved rock music and worshiped all my favorite bands. Music was another sort of escape for me. I had a passion for it. I had always loved to sing, and when I was in elementary and Jr. High I played the violin. Then I took a year of piano and a year of choir. Music was just as natural to me as writing. And the rock music I listened to was so full of angst and despair it suited me perfectly.
Music was another of my great places to escape. I would memorize all the words and sing them with all the passion in my heart. I practically wallpapered my room with pictures and posters of the members of the bands. I worshiped them, idolized them, and I was not ashamed of it. I just knew if ever someday we could meet, they would understand me; they would love me. I often fantasized about meeting them and having a real relationship with them. I began to base my stories in a world of rock stars and Hollywood, temporarily forgetting about my real life.
MTV was just getting big at that time. Music videos and awards shows were the highlight of my life. What better way to drool over the band members than to be able to see them up close, in all their glory. My parents would never have let me go to a concert, so this was as good as it got. And it was so good for me. I loved the long hair, the make-up and the leather pants. They were rough and manly, but still pretty. I had no idea that most of the songs that I loved to sing along to were about drugs and sex. Or worse. I just knew they were real, and raw, and full of passion. Just like me.
As my teen years wore on, the music I listened to just became darker, and more dangerous. Death, despair and violence became a more common theme. It was what I could relate too. My favorite rock god to obsess over was Jim Morrison. He embodied it all for me – beauty, talent and tragedy. I read his books of poetry and felt a kinship with his spirit. In another life we would have been perfect together. I was living in a complete land of disillusionment. I had too. It was the only place I could survive.
It is so funny now to think about at how I worshiped these rock gods. Why was I so enamored by these men with long hair and make up? It wasn’t just because they were beautiful to me, or because of what I fantasized what they could give me. It was because we are made to worship. We are made to give all our love, all our hearts, all our souls to only one. One who is all glory and all light.
We were never made to be alone, or to live without love. We were never made to walk in the darkness, living in fear, cowering from the light. We were made to be enveloped into the light. In that light, we will be made whole and we will be healed. Lift up your eyes friend, away from the shadows that creep over you. The idols we create will never satisfy us, never give us what our heart desires. Free yourself from the slavery that has entangled you, and find the freedom that waits for you. It’s here, on the other side of darkness.