childhood abuse
Illuminati Mind Control,  My Salvation,  New Age & The Occult

Overcoming Incest And Child Abuse: The Story of A Survivor

Growing up in an occult family has had serious repercussions on my life that still affect me to this day. I had no idea how tragic the story of my life was because I had to completely dissociate from the broken reality that was my life. I have previously made a video in which I detailed the underground events of satanic rituals and torture, but now I am going to go into more detail about my daily life at home.

If it had not been for the Holy Spirit, and the grace and mercy of Christ, I would not know my family was even a part of the occult. From the outside, our family looked just like any other family. I had two parents, a sister, a home. I went to school every day, I was fed and clothed, and had friends I played with daily. Yet inside the walls of my home, hidden away from the world, I was tormented daily by abuse.

From birth, I was indoctrinated into the occult lifestyle through Satanic rituals, and taken to rituals frequently at the Mormon Church as well as the Catholic church. These are terrible events that shaped my belief systems and thought processes with mind control programming, but not even that level of abuse could compare to my home life. Daily in my home, I was berated by the words my parents spoke over me. You are fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unlovable.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 9:9

When you hear those words spoken time and time again by your own family, you believe them. When you pair those words with physical abuse, then for a fragile young mind it seems that it is only further evidence that it is the truth. For me, the abuse became a normal part of my life. I didn’t know anything outside of abuse, and it ranged from neglect and deprivation to violence and depravity. I never knew when the abuse would come. It could come at any time. I could be playing with my dolls, taking a bath, changing my clothes, doing my chores, or even sleeping, and suddenly, without warning, it would come in like a storm to consume me.

I never wanted to be abused, I only wanted to be loved. Yet love and physical affection were deprived of me so that when I did receive what I was told was love in the form of sexual perversion, I did not know what to do with it. A child needs to have the nurture and comfort of their parent’s arms around them, but what does a child do when that only comes with sexual abuse? It tears the fragile psyche in ways that I can’t explain and leads to so much confusion about what is right and wrong.

As much as I craved attention and love from my parents, I began to fear and loathe the man that would turn into a monster before my eyes. But fighting only made it worse, and violence would overtake him, even to the point of being threatened by gunpoint. This was my everyday life. This was all I knew. My mother was never a comfort through these times. She would just stand by and cry, and later when my father wasn’t around, she too would sexually violate me in unspeakable ways.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

I would go to school and stare into space, twirling my hair around my fingers until I had to pay attention again. I had a hard time concentrating or remembering what was going on in school. I didn’t understand what was being taught because of it, but I learned enough to pass each grade. No one thought anything of it, just that I was shy, and the fact was, I was not a troublemaker so I didn’t warrant any extra attention by my teachers.

As I grew into my teen years my anger escalated into a rage. Outwardly I was compliant, but inwardly I plotted my revenge on my parents for what they were doing. I was done being controlled, dominated and living a life of terror and shame. Eventually, with no real outlet for my rage, I turned it inward cutting myself with knives and razors or attempting to take my own life. I slipped into a deep depression where I stopped caring about anything except death, which I began to covet relentlessly.

I had nightmares that my parents were trying to kill me or that monsters were going to devour me nightly. Terror was a normal part of my everyday life. Yet, my poor traumatized brain had to completely dissociate from all this horror in order to continue to function. Functioning was very important, as I was in charge of keeping the house clean, getting myself to and from school and keeping up with my school work.

For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him.

Psalm 22:24

Once I moved out of my parent’s house I worked very hard to keep the denial in place. I wanted very much to believe my life really wasn’t all that bad. Sure I had problems, but many more people had it much worse. By that time I couldn’t remember most of my childhood, and why I had such deep rage towards my parents, or why I wanted so desperately to die. I associated it with general feelings of emotional neglect and worthlessness.

It was very important for me to continue to function in order to keep a job and a place to live so I wouldn’t have to live with my parents again. At the same time, I wanted to repair my relationship with them and be a good daughter, maintaining the facade of good family. Intense feelings of anger and pain bubbled up inside of me, but I dulled them the best I could with drugs and alcohol.

I moved from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, being sexually promiscuous in between, even going so far as becoming sexual with other women for a time. I was easily dominated by men and was sexually abused countless times. I dove into the world of witchcraft and the occult, not even realizing that I had been trained in the dark arts my whole life. I developed an intense hatred for God and religion, without even knowing why. All these things were just an accumulation of the abuse in my life, yet I never could connect them.

But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.

Isaiah 50:7

It took me coming into a relationship with Jesus to realize I had any real problems in my life. Every day was just a struggle to get through, and my fits of rage and depression and emotional outbursts were just a part of it. I could not stop to think why I reacted and behaved the way I did, and why I had so many other problems in my life, I just had to try to get through. Yet when Jesus came into my life and this victorious life in Christ didn’t come with Him, I realized there must be something wrong.

It took me a year of trying to renew my mind,  get connected to Jesus, pray and read the Bible before I realized that simply was not enough. Still, I continued to strive to keep the facade of a happy family with my parents, seeing them and talking to them on the phone. I never felt comfortable or right around them, but I was determined to do the right thing anyway.

Living in a home where safety wasn’t even a word in my vocabulary affected me deeply. I lived in fear that something bad would happen to me every day of my life. Trauma has been my norm, even though I didn’t realize I have been living and reacting out of trauma. I thought I just had an anger problem because even little things, such as my children not listening to me or being loud, would cause me to panic and overreact with extreme emotions.

 

I did not understand why I had an anger problem. I tried so hard to pray and give it to Jesus, over and over again, but I could not make it go away. I tried deliverance over and over again, but depression and anger hounded me daily, and without drugs and alcohol as a crutch, it seemed to get worse. It has taken me three years of inner healing to come to terms with the truth of my life. I was abused, by my parents, in my own home daily.

I never felt safe, and I was tormented by demons and spirits that were coming through the family line from generational ritual abuse. The attachments of demonic spirits and cosmic beings to my soul, coupled with the extreme abuse left me a fragmented human being. Yet with the grace and love of Jesus Christ, I have to know what wholeness and freedom from fear look like. I have spent this past year diving deeply into intense memories of abuse in order to confront the strongholds this abuse has had over my life. I could never have done it without Jesus, but I am so thankful I did.

It is extremely difficult for me to tell my story. It brings up so much pain for me, but also so much hope to know that if God can heal me, He can absolutely heal anyone. It is very hard to face the truth of abuse in your life, especially when it comes from your own family, but it is only the truth that can set us free. I still have work to do to heal, and there is still more to process through, but I am OK facing these things because Jesus comes with me.

Our Redeemer—the Lord of hosts is his name— is the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 47:4

childhood abuseAll my life I felt alone, yet I never was. Jesus has been with me through it all, never once leaving me. Some may ask if Jesus is a loving God, how could He allow an innocent child to be abused? I too asked myself that questions many times. I wrestled with the thought if why I had to be the one to be so tormented when I was just a little girl. The answer is simple, we are living in a broken world, with broken people, doing broken things to each other.

I don’t believe my parents ever really wanted to hurt me, they were just passing down generational abuse they were handed themselves. I don’t believe anyone truly wants to hurt another human being, but Lucifer orchestrates events in our lives to foster these things. He hides the abuse so deep we can’t find it, and if we did it’s too terrible to face anyway. So we walk around so fragmented and broken, unwilling and unknowing of the schemes the enemy laid down in our lives.

God does not allow abuse, humans do, but even though there is abuse, God does not stand quietly by watching. He leaves His throne to be with us in our pain and sorrow, and fights on our behalf, we just can not see what He is doing because He is a spirit. He works on behalf of what is best according to eternity because our bodies are temporary. It is our soul and spirit that need protecting the most because we need to understand that we are looking towards an eternal reward for the persecution we have endured. Every act of abuse is truly persecution by Lucifer because He is our mortal enemy.

As I sit and look at my life today and I can God’s miraculous hand protecting me in so many ways, as well as the incredible fruit that has come from healing. I may still be a broken human being, but now that I understand my life I can understand when I am triggered by past traumatic events and learn how to cope with its effects. I no longer feel I have an anger problem or struggle with depression, but I can see when these things come up and what it means. Knowing is half the battle, and the other half is prayer.

I see the positive effects of healing in my life daily, and I would never go back to denial or ignorance. Those things had their place in my life at one point in time, but now all I need is Jesus. Jesus is my hope and my strength, and knowing that I will no longer pass generational spirits of terror and abuse down into my family line, is such a huge blessing.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:1-2

10 Comments

  • Angel

    Thankyou Beth for your suggestion to contact Fourcornersfree.

    I had looked them up, due to your Advice on your site.

    You had no idea i had asked for a Sign, if i should contact Fourcornersfree.
    And you have confirmed it. I got my answer, by your suggestion.
    I thought wow !

    And that wasnt even why i wanted to speak to you privately.

    Love Angel X

  • Elizabeth Rink

    Please know that so many Christ-followers pray for survivors and victims of SRA and demonic attacks. God is our Rock and Foundation, we won’t be removed from His steadfast love and salvation!

  • Diane Schaffner

    Thank you so much for sharing Beth! Your transparent testimony helps us to be better able to understand why children sometimes act out. There just might be something happening to them in their homes that is not of God. They need loved and valued and encouraged!

  • Claire

    Beth,

    Thank you for sharing your story. You have described my own childhood. I am 52 and I struggle with the same feelings as you describe. I know through my own experiences that telling your story is basically reliving it and brings out much pain and sorrow. But I also believe your testimony is a blessing to someone else and they can start their own healing journey and more importantly receive Jesus Christ as their savior. Your videos and blogs have certainly helped me on my journey. God has blessed you with the gift of communication among other things, to help other people as well as yourself. Thank you so much and may God continue to bless you and your family in all things!

  • Catherine Juarez

    Thank you so much for sharing your blog and your videos, Beth! I was very fortunate to come upon your YouTube videos this year. It’s nice to see that you are still writing blog posts. I am on a quest to find deliverance and become the woman that God has always created me to be. God bless you and your family!

    • The Other Side of Darkness

      I hope that you have seen the information I have shared on Four Corners Free deliverance ministry. They are breaking new ground in the areas of deliverance and personal freedom, unlike any other ministry I have seen.

  • Angel H

    Hello Beth

    I came across one of your Videos, when i was doing some Research concerning my own personal life, in February this year.
    I did try and email you around February 15th but im aware you dont often read them

    Would it be possible to contact you privately some how, would you talk with me ?
    I really need to speak to you

    All my Love Angel x

    • The Other Side of Darkness

      Hi Angel
      I am sorry but I am unable to receive emails at this time. I would recommend contacting Four Corners Free Deliverance ministry for further assistance, especially in the areas of freedom and healing. Deliverance is an important first step in healing and this ministry is breaking new ground in these areas.

  • Tiffany M Wetenhall

    Thank you for sharing. I know it is difficult. Each time you post is a reminder to lift you up in prayer. God bless!