Living In Darkness

Pagan Pantheon

When I met the boy I thought was my soul mate, it sparked a passion inside of me. Passion for love, for music, and I dare say for life. I wanted to live because I wanted to experience love and meet that one special someone who was made just for me. I was convinced it was true, and it gave me something to live for. I began writing poetry that I would turn into songs and went to open mike nights one or two times a week to sing or read my poetry. I was beginning to be accepted in this community of artists and writers and it was great. All I wanted was to just open up my soul for the world to see. I wanted to burning passion within me to inspire others.pagan

My burning passion was often about love; love lost, and hope for love. And pain. There was still a lot of pain within me. Death was no longer some escape to look forward to, because as a witch death was something sacred and revered. In the wheel of life, death was a passage into another realm of existence. I had pondered over death and what would happen. I began to believe that I was a part of something bigger. Connected to a higher power – the universe – and that all life was connected to each other through this higher power. In paganism there are a couple of common beliefs to what happens when you die. One is that your body will die but your spirit will be reincarnated into another body. Of what type I was unsure. Another common belief is that when you die you pass into another world. A Netherworld or Summerland. A place where there is no physical realm, but it is all spirit. I also contemplated the thought that when I died my spirit would just be released into the atmosphere and I would be one with all life as I was before I was born. I had not made a decision on what exactly would happen, but all of the above were logical and reasonable to me.

This new connection I had consciousness of was absolutely amazing to me. I read and researched more and more about Wicca and my pagan roots. In studying I learned that all of our modern holidays were really just stolen by Christians from our ancestors of ancient times. The evil Christians had hijacked ancient pagan ceremonies and holy days for themselves, so they could try to change pagans into Christians. That really got me upset! I knew I didn’t like Christians, but now I really disliked them! Hate really isn’t too strong of a word here. Christmas was really Winter Solstice or Yule. The longest night of the year when we celebrated rebirth, which was just after Samhain on Oct. 31 where we celebrated death in our wheel of life. Not Halloween. Then in spring there was Ostara, not Easter. Christians were just counterfeiting real holy days to make them their own and nothing made me as angry as watching Christians steal our holy days.

I began to celebrate the pagan holy days – there are eight on the wheel of the year – more than I did the other traditional holidays. They had this deep and spiritual meaning for me, and were so rooted in the earth and the goddess. Yes, the goddess. As I learned more about being a witch I learned that the center of this lay the goddess. How can you have a god without a goddess? It made no sense! The god was important, but it was the goddess that was first and foremost to every ritual and celebration. What goddess you ask? Well there are many deities in paganism, each one of them important. I had several books to teach me about the different deities, how to call upon them, what they represented, and how to incorporate them in rituals.

For instance, the earth was a goddess, and I worshiped and adored her. Gaia, the earth goddess was the most sacred of them all to me. Giver of life, our home. She was to be feared and respected. Just look at the acts of nature that occurred. Never anger her, lest she unless her wrath upon you. And then there was the moon. There are many different names for this goddess, but that was not as important to me. It was just being in her presence that was enthralling. I would literally just sit in the back yard at night and take in her beauty and bask in the light. It was as if she could communicate with me. I never felt so alive!

This was only the beginning of my journey into the occult and the realm of witch craft. I practiced spells and performed rituals regularly. But that is another story. I had no idea that there is no such thing as gods and goddesses. It was amazing to me to be connected to a higher power, yet I refused to call that power God. I refused to believe there was only one God, and that there was no need for any other. I could never have accepted one God who created everything – the heavens, earth and people. That idea was ridiculous. I continued to worship creation, and not the creator. Because in my mind there was no room for a creator. I believed in the Big Bang. It was just so cosmic and spiritual when I thought about it.

If only I had known the truth then. But I was living in a lie. Previously I wanted to escape into another world to get away from how horrible I felt inside, and now I had achieved it. I went from idolizing boys to idolizing nature. And my world was complete. Or was it?