I have always thought of myself as a “good person”, meaning, the kind of person who never intentionally sets out to harm others or do anything wrong. The kind of person that strives to be a better person and make the world a better place. So when I found out that my whole world has been precariously balanced on a web of witchcraft and lies, it threw me completely off balance. I mean, dizzy and unable to function, off balance.
At first, I didn’t realize why I was so dizzy all the time. I thought perhaps it was a spiritual attack coming at me, which does happen. Then I began to be convinced that it was something inside of me, a part of my fragmented identity crying out for help. However, every time I would help a part on the inside, I would feel better only temporarily. Then the dizziness would come back again within a day or two and I would have to start the whole cycle over again.
I have gotten used to my inside parts trying to get my attention through my body. I have dealt with numerous physical problems such as styes on my eyes, oozing sores, mysterious pains, and more, so the dizziness wasn’t shocking. The problem was that the dizziness came more often than not, and it began to build this platform of hopelessness and despair within me. It seemed as though for every step forward I took two steps back.
I felt as though I was in a never-ending cycle of feeling terrible and there was no escape from it. There was not enough help in the world, and not enough miracles to really bring me into the next level of healing and freedom. How could someone work so hard to get rid of the occult and still wake up feeling crushed by them every day? Hopelessness was becoming my new best friend because as I entertained it with every waking thought and desire.
You see, I have been running my entire life from pain. So anything I could do that would keep me from pain was where I was going to be. No matter what that decision was, it just had to be the one that meant less pain. Even if that meant being in total denial about the truth staring me right in the eyes. That is why I could never see I was doing witchcraft on myself. It wasn’t just the physical problems or the dizziness, but so much more. It was the entire web of lies built right inside of me that I kept hanging on to because I truly believed it was the best option to the least amount of pain.
Yet it gets worse. It’s not just that I have been doing witchcraft on myself, causing a lot of pain and misery, but I have also been doing witchcraft on those I love. Even if it causes them pain, I have been willing to agree to it, because at the end of the day, I need to be safe and in control, because being out of control for me means pain. I was trained to do witchcraft on those I love to save myself in Satanic ritual abuse, and it is something I have carried with me even to this day.
Some say that as long as you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour, you are free. You need only believe and you will be a whole new person, inside and out. That is what I believed too until I went through deliverance after deliverance after deliverance and my life was still hell. Salvation is only the first step into freedom. Freedom is living out your relationship with Jesus Christ every day, but for me, it has only come in spurts.
Some days I can’t think about Him, because I don’t want to feel convicted of the wrong I’ve done. I get tired of feeling like an out of control and evil person every day. I want to be normal and pretend I am not a survivor of Satanic ritual abuse, and that my own family didn’t disown me for telling the truth, or that I had to leave my church because I was in a secret coven there. I want it to all just fade away so I can be rid of all this pain.
The problem with that is wanting to be rid of pain is exactly how I got to where I am right now. Saved by the grace of God but rejecting freedom at every turn because I am so terrified of who I really am on the inside. I am so terrified that the truth is that maybe I really am a witch still, because what kind of saved person does these terrible things? What kind of good person can do everything in their power to turn away from evil and run far away from the occult and still do witchcraft on herself and others?
So I have to let the truth sink in. I am not evil, but incredible evil has been done to me. I was betrayed by my family and everyone I have ever trusted so I could be handled a mantle of pain. The weight of that pain has led me to be in a vicious cycle of witchcraft and denial so that I could stay connected to a greater power. That greater power once meant life for me, but now it only leads to death and so much more pain.
I am forgiven because God’s eyes of mercy see directly into my soul, and He knows that a very scared and traumatized little girl believed she must hold on tight to control through the power of Lucifer to survive this world. Jesus knows, it was the only option I had, but now He offers me hope. Jesus offers redemption by His blood through His living sacrifice of death on the cross and resurrection from the grave, and there is no power in hell foul enough to stop His mercy from saving me.
I never thought I was a bad person. I only ever wanted to be good; to be loved. It is because of Jesus’ love I can be free; free to see me for who I truly am. Wounded. Despised. Rejected. He knows exactly how that feels. So for today, I am going to hand Jesus over that mantle of pain and wait patiently for His divine freedom to come, in His perfect timing, trusting that whatever is happening is completely covered by His grace.
I am not too far gone for God’s love to reach me. I am in just the right place; humility. I am trusting in you Jesus to help me through this next step in my healing. I am trusting in you to carry me through and be my strength and redeem even this for my life. I am trusting you, Jesus, that your love is greater than all my sin and pain, and your power is all I need. I don’t need power or control. I just need Jesus.