Healing,  My Salvation

The Seeds of Self-Hatred

self-hatredSelf hatred has been as much a part of my life as breathing. From the time I was very young, the seeds of doubt and despair were planted into my being. I remember feeling hopeless, lost, confused, and most of all, unloved for the majority of my life. What I didn’t realize was that these were the very seeds of self-hatred that were planted and being watered daily.

All it takes is a little hopelessness to create self-hatred and self loathing. Starting at a young age, we can become vulnerable to those seeds as they grow into self-hatred. Our desire for love and care is so great, that when we don’t feel those needs being met, we begin to believe that it must be our fault. We believe we must be unlovable or undeserving of the approval and care we desire.

I can remember the feelings of hopeless and despair being the filter for many of my childhood memories. Loneliness wrapped around me like a thick cloak, and went with me everywhere. Even in public places I felt alone; invisible. I remember as early as the age of 10 wanting to die. The feeling of hopelessness washed over me to the point where I knew death was the only life-preserver left.

The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

As a child, I heard a story of a little boy who felt so unloved that he fell down and died from loneliness, as he waited for the morning school bus. I knew that story could be mine, and I coveted death with an intensity. For a time I turned all of my hatred towards my parents, plotting out ways I could kill them. I had no idea why I had such an intense hatred towards them, I just knew they were to blame for my pain.

At thirteen I began to take matters into my own hands by cutting myself with razors stolen from my father. I would carefully extract them so that I could make thin lines across my wrists. I knew I was not actually going to die from these cuts, but somehow the physical pain also became a release for my emotional pain. In my fantasy world, these acts were the doorway to death, but in reality, they were the doorway to demons.

Self hate wasn’t always the motivation for self harm, but it really seemed that if my life was so unbearably painful, then who else did I have to blame?  For some they would say this was a form of chemical imbalance or mental illness, but for me, it was a way out of the misery I was drowning in daily. The fact is, I was being tormented daily by occult rituals and abuse. I had no conscious memories of the abuse, yet it predominated my entire existence.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.”

Isaiah 43:2

As I look back on my life, I can clearly see why I spent so many years depressed and suicidal. That type of abuse causes so much damage to the human soul, as well as the psyche. Yet I lived through it and persevered through incredible obstacles. I am thankful that I am alive and a functioning adult who can homeschool my children. I saw what this same damage did to other family members, and they did not fare nearly as well.

The effects of self-hatred are wide and varying. For some it can look like anxiety, depression, shame and insecurity. Yet for others self-hatred can take the form of pride or anger. No matter the effects of self-hatred, they come from a root of deep rejection and embitterment. Many people experience self-hatred to some degree or another at one point in their lives. For some it is momentary and fleeting, yet for others it becomes a way of life.

How can you recognize self-hatred? Self-hatred can look like many things in our lives. The most obvious are actual feelings of hate directed towards oneself, but it can also come in the form of thoughts of worthlessness, the need to apologize for everything, feeling like a failure, self punishment, or comparing yourself to others. All of these things come from the root of self-hatred and are signs of it.

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
    but the Lord will take me in.

Psalm 27:10

Self-hatred can also be used as a weapon against self and others. When we use self-hatred to punish ourselves, it becomes relentless. We admonish and chastise ourselves regularly, allowing our words to become like self-flagellation to the soul. It is absolutely detrimental, yet it is a learned behavior, that comes from years of deep-seated beliefs of worthlessness. We often take our self-hatred out on others around us, either using it as a form of protection through pride and anger, or using it to punish and berate others.

Self-hatred does not need to be a part of our norm. We were not created to be ashamed of ourselves and full of anger and resentment towards ourselves and this world. We were created for and by love. That love is the most powerful and awesome power in existence, and that power is right inside of you. The love of God is unstoppable, but the enemy has taken hold of our minds and allowed the seeds of self-hatred to grow until we are overrun by weeds.

Only Jesus has the power to heal us and transform our minds. Step by step we must surrender our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others to Jesus, so He can be the one to transform us into who we were created to be; loved, nurtured, and whole in Christ. God has plans for our lives; plans for hope and prosperity. Unfortunately the free will of man can be detrimental to the tender psyche of a child. That does not change the plans or the heart of the Father in and over our lives.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I have lived my entire life in a web of lies dictated by the enemy, but through the power of Christ I am being healed. It has been a process and a journey for me. God has not healed me all at once, and that is OK. It took decades for the damage to be done, so I don’t expect it all to disappear overnight. On the contrary, the journey of healing my self-hatred has brought me a greater understanding of God’s love and character. It has helped me to learn to forgive others and myself, giving me a revelation of His grace.

Healing is not easy. We must take one step at a time, understanding that we are God’s masterpiece. The greatest works of art have to be finely tuned so that they are a perfect picture of what the artist originally intended. And so it is with our lives. We must constantly work to surrender our hearts over to our Creator, believing He will be faithful to complete the good work He started in us so long ago.

So for today, let us focus on God’s love and mercy. He is seated on the Mercy Seat and He is beckoning us to come sit with Him on it, allowing an outpouring of His grace and love to flow freely through us. He is a good Father. He is slow to anger and abounding in love. God is waiting to heal the broken pieces of our hearts that were broken by the ones who we loved and trusted most. He has the power to replace every tear with His love, and bring us back to the identity of who He originally created us to be. Loved.

 

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

9 Comments

  • Ian - howmuchtimeisleft

    God bless you sister as you continue to share God’s love and power – His good news with the world. May the Lord Himself increase to you and in you all the riches of His grace in Christ Jesus.
    Everyone has a journey, and everyone needs to be pointed to the only Truth ther is in this world of lies and darkness – Jesus Christ our Lord and God.
    He will come suddenly.
    Let us take heed of our Saviour’s words through Paul –
    Rom 13:14 “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”
    God bless all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ.

  • Marie

    Your writing and videos are a true gift from God to me. I have gone to church my whole life and never heard anything as helpful as just one of your talks/writings.

  • Retha

    Hello Beth!
    Thank you for sharing with us as you journey through healing. I just recently found you on you tube,and have started reading through your blogs. They are helpful and informative,helping me understand things where i haven’t been able to find answers in the church. Especially between new age stuff and whats really God. Keep up the good work. You are a beautiful person.Grace and peace to you and your family from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. ????????

  • Louie Rodriguez

    How can I ‘Thank You’ for such pithy truth. I have battled self-loathinf for many years. Hopelessness, despair and I know the Lord as my Savior. Deep depression, sleeplessness have worn me out! I read your entry on Self-Hatred and it instills hope. I read, and reread it. Thank you, songrateful that you heeded His call on your life. God bless, Louie

  • terri jo

    Being jealous, envying others, and downright hating others is a big sign of self-hatred. I was this way until I met God, and then finally Jesus, 2 years ago. Harsh way to live, and hard on others too. This mindset through my personal nephesh, through mind control and trauma, and generational influences still rears its ugly head, but I BAT IT DOWN in the name of Jesus! Hallelujah!

    • terri jo

      I could add that sometimes I don’t see the solution to give all the crud to Jesus. It takes humility and patient with myself to share with others and take their direction to let it go (ALL OF IT) to God through Jesus Christ. I like to tell myself and others who struggle with self-condemnation, “This too shall pass, one day at a time”

  • Dione Meades

    Dear Beth
    Thank you for addressing this topic, self-hatred has been my biggest wound in my life… the Lord has worked much with me on this particular area in order to set me free from this self destructive grip! At times I have felt smothered with the slime of intense self hatted & shame that it has been debilitating…But by Gods grace and unending love I can now say that I no longer struggle like I used to, Jesus has taught me to love myself in a healthy way, to be good to my temple because in doing so I bring Him glory! Self care & nurturing is essential and it edifies the Father – He has delivered me & set me free to love myself unconditionally because I am accepted and His beloved!
    Thank you for sharing your heart so vulnerably with us, I am amazed at your journey of hope healing & freedom!
    All my love precious friend,
    Dione x

  • Jerry

    3/12/2018 Wow today’s thoughts hit me between the eyes for sure. I have all the symptoms of self hatred, but without actually hating myself. I just accepted from a very early age that I was an inferior person made clear to me by my mom regularly until she died in 2000 at the age of 98, I was 55. My father left when I was 3 1/2 and had no contact with us from my age of 7, until I met him when I was 25. A sense of worthlessness I have always had, self loathing, no self esteem. I don’t remember a time that I did not feel worthless and to ‘know’ that was my lot in life. Which was made clear by my mom that I was. Always! I have maintained for 47 years that if it were not for the Lord making himself known to me in 1970, I would have died a long time ago from something. He is faithful beyond comprehension. Merciful beyond comprehension. I love to think of His holiness, and how I look forward to being in the presence of that pure holiness and pure love for eternity. I am 73 at this time. As trite as the expression has become in our culture – God is an awesome God! It is true. I was chatting with a Christian lady on the plane the other night, how interesting it is that the world says Christians use “God” or their “religion” as a crutch. It shows how the world does not have even the slightest clue what it means to be a Christian. You have to have a lot of strength to constantly humble yourself as you let Him teach you what he wants for you. That is the opposite of a crutch. His purpose is to make us strong in Him. That is definitely NOT a crutch. It requires constant humility and repentance. He has given me much in the way of hard times, for the purpose of strengthening me.