After high school is when my drug use started to really take off. By the time I graduated (not that I actually attended that even, because going to that would have been lame) I was smoking pot daily. My social life was revolved around smoking pot too. But like any good pot smoker who is looking to find the next best high, I didn’t stop with marijuana.
A friend of a friend of a friend was going to try acid for the first time. You know, LSD, that stuff that everyone was doing in the 60’s? Yeah it was still popular in the 90’s when I started doing it. So I had my first “trip” and absolutely loved it. It became my new favorite thing to do. And it broadened my social circle. Doing that led to trying lots more drugs. I mean, hey, why not? Everyone is doing it and there is nothing better than being so high you are out of this world. Next I tried mushrooms, or shrooms, then cocaine, methamphetamines or crank, and ecstasy. This was all over a course of a few years. And of course I still drank too.
I would not recommend experimenting with drugs if you haven’t already. I have had a lot of experiences with drugs, but I can’t say I have a lot of good memories from doing them. I don’t think I was really in my right mind in those days. My days revolved around my part-time job at a fast food place, drugs, obsessing over boys and music. I was always on the look out for a boy to love me. It was just something that I could not let go of. I knew somewhere out there was a boy who would love me the way I wanted and needed to love. And I would love him too, with all of my heart.
There were many times when my depression completely overwhelmed me while I was taking acid or mushrooms. When you take this stuff it lasts for like 12 hours. So when things go bad, you are in it and there is no way to make it stop. I often felt consumed by loneliness, self-pity, and self-hatred in a way that I never had before. I would often feel like I was going crazy and just cry at the devastation I felt. Yet often I would feel that somewhere in that trip I would have some amazing revelation about life or myself that would be life changing.
Did these revelations change my life and help me grow and be a better person? No. Sometimes they were false truths I became convinced of. Like that one of my ex boyfriends was my soul mate and even though he refused to talk to me we were destined to be together forever. And I just had to wait for him and we would be reunited.
I often felt like I was becoming enlightened. I started exploring other religions such as Buddism and Hinduism. It was all about letting go of self and being one with my higher self. Sometimes I felt that in these drug induced states I could do that. I could learn more about myself and begin to strive for this state of enlightenment. It just kept being about trying to reach that next level.
Sometimes I would just go hang out in the park or walk around at night, hallucinating. I realize now how completely dangerous it was, but then I didn’t have a clue. I wanted to walk on the wild side and challenge everything I knew. I wanted to open up and explore a world hidden from me that only hallucinogens could provide.
Drugs are an altered reality. An altered reality that can be very close to the truth, or very far. Either way it is still not reality and not truth. These drugs really messed with my mind, and the effects on my body weren’t much better. I was sensitive to the effects of the drugs and often times I thought about giving them up. Yet I couldn’t. I was completely addicted. At least to the marijuana and the LSD. The other drugs were all done only a handful of times or less. But smoking pot had become so much of a social thing. So many times I thought about quitting, but I couldn’t. My friends would not hang out with me. I would stop being invited to parties. These people were all I had to keep me from being completely alone. I wasn’t just dependent on the drugs, but the company the drugs gave me.
It is so easy to get caught up into a world of drug use. Now that marijuana is becoming legal in many states, it is only going to be easier to fall into. Marijuana users often cite it’s great medical benefits, and say it is not addicting. When I was younger I often heard that it is the “gateway drug”, but that used to make me so mad. I was adamant that there was no truth to that claim, even though I had tried so many other drugs. I was firmly for legalizing it and how great it was. After all, it’s just a plant right? Wrong. It is a drug and it is addicting. Now that I am drug free I am completely against it. Only when I was imprisoned in addiction did I think marijuana was good. My clean and sober mind sees the truth now.
It is so hard to get free from addiction, but it is totally possibly. There are many ways to get help, but the first step is to admitting you have a problem. You must first realize you have been enslaved and then you must want to be free. Freedom comes at a price though. Sacrifice. There will be a lot to sacrifice when you walk away from your addiction. And there will be pain. I am not going to lie to you. But once you come out on the other side, you will see the beauty of life in a way you never have before. Once the numbness fades and the haze blows over, glorious freedom will welcome you.
You were called to be free – not free to indulge, but to serve one another. Free to throw off the yoke of slavery and it’s burden. Free to approach the throne of grace and mercy and receive forgiveness. All the pain you have caused all those you loved, all the secrets you have had to hide, all the shame of your mistakes – forgiveness is waiting for you on the other side. Do not believe the lie that it is too late for you. That you have done to much to be forgiven for. That your pain can never be healed. That is a lie from hell. Reach out your hand now, and receive your free gift – the gift of forgiveness.