Suffering comes in many forms and for me, it has always come from the deep emotional pain of shame and regret. I have harbored for many years the shame and regret of most of my sin, yet instead of confronting it as I should, I continued to bury it deep in the recesses of my psyche.
Not to say I was ever without excuse because truth be told the sin of participating in the sacrificial murder of one’s own offspring through satanic rituals when you are merely a child is not a sin of one’s own making. It is a sin that is passed down, generation to generation – a burden of bondage greater than any human should ever endure. Yet endure it I did.
How many times I have grieved and lashed out at everyone around me because of this sin? Yet I had no idea why I had such depth of anger fermenting inside me and tossing me about in a rage. I only knew that somewhere underneath all that anger was pain that I didn’t know what to do with.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
It took me most of my adult life to come to terms with the truth that yes I did hurt people, and not with my words, but actually cause great physical harm to them. Yet how can I blame a small child who is coerced into making adult decisions with an immature and off-balanced brain? But I have thought to myself so many times, how could I not?
Do I want to harm anyone, ever? No! Absolutely not. Never. And that is where ungodly sorrow comes in. My pain, my lamenting was not even of my own sin, but the sin that was laid directly at my feet for me to carry. I thought I could walk away from Egypt scot-free, but instead, I walked away carrying all the sins of my ancestors and all their idols as well. The problem was, my ungodly sorrow kept me from ever noticing it.
So I have walked around in a daze or in a rage because I could not access the great depths of this pain. I wanted to be numb, I wanted to wipe it away from existence or never see the truth. I did many things to try to cover up the fact that these terrible things happened by my own hands, but no matter what I did, the truth will persist.
Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.
Psalm 25;5
Jesus says that when the Truth sets you free, you will be free indeed. Well, Jesus is that Truth, and His truth is a beacon in that dark well of pain you have been living in. At first, you may not even be able to let the light penetrate your dark secrets, and you must stop hiding behind ungodly sorrow. That is not your sin, that is not your sorrow.
Jesus has paid the price of His blood to free you from that sin, and every other sin that you are too afraid to face. He can take your sin, and the sin your ancestors forced upon you and redeem it. That means He will make it as if it never were. Redemption is a new beginning. You are a new creation. Your old self is gone and the new is brought forth through the power and the spoken Word of God.
When Jesus redeems He does not only redeem you, He redeems everyone else involved. He redeems your family line, your future generations, your past, present, and future, and anyone you ever hurt. He takes away sin. No one and nothing else can do that. This is the magnificent glory that is reserved for the God of All Creation alone.
Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.
1 Peter 1:18-19
Lucifer wants you to forget these important truths though. He wants you to believe you are unforgivable and unredeemable. He makes these acts so heinous that the human brain can’t comprehend it and he does that for a reason. If we are filled with ungodly sorrow we will never repent, but stay in a place of eternal suffering. Our own hell on earth if you will.
When we take our eyes off the cross and put them instead on ourselves we are giving ourselves a far bigger job than we were created for: being our own savior. You can not save yourself just as I could never save myself, nor anyone else for that matter. The only person that can save me and stop the darkness inside of me is Jesus Christ, who is God alone. There is no other God, and if we believe we had a choice in these matters of the past we are making our past our gods instead.
It doesn’t matter whom I have worshipped or what I have done. The only thing that matters is Jesus Christ is in me right now. I have fought and won the battle to take back my soul from the occult, but I only did it with a heaping spoonful of desperation and a healthy dose of humility. It’s not about me and it never was.
I am simply a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ during my time here on earth, and if He called me to go into the darkness and light the way out for others, then I gladly comply.
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
Mark 8:34