How I Live With Dissociative Identities

dissociative identitiesI have Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID, the same thing as Multiple Personality Disorder. I have lived with it all of my life and had no idea I had it. Many people, like me, have a dissociative disorder and live normal lives and have no idea they have one. They may struggle with many problems in life, but they rationalize all their problems away and learn to cope and deal with life on a daily basis.

Dissociation is a process in where a person disconnects from themselves in order to deal with trauma. It is completely normal and anyone who has had any kind of trauma has experienced it. However, for people who have experienced extreme abuse, they form a dissociative disorder. A dissociative disorder does not mean there is something wrong with you, as some might believe, it just signals a need to dissociate in normal everyday life in order to continue to function.

God designed dissociative identities as a protective mechanism to help people continue to function after extreme trauma. It’s a psychological mechanism that allows the human mind to hide away traumatic memories from the conscious mind. It is actually a gift from God to preserve the human mind from trauma. Unfortunately, Satan has also use dissociation to his advantage. He has used dissociation as a tool to create alternate personalities that can be a program through mind control.

For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

This is how I have lived my life until I met Jesus Christ and He brought me hope and healing. I had to dissociate away from the truth that I have been terribly abused by the people who were supposed to love me and care for me. I could not handle the truth of it, because if it were true it meant that I could no longer live in this world. That is until I met Jesus Christ and my desperation and my desire to know him and be who he created me to be what’s greater and stronger than everything else in my life.

As a survivor of Satanic ritual abuse, I have been trained to never speak about what has happened to me. I have actually undergone extremely traumatic abuse and torment to ensure that I would never ever speak about the things that have happened to me. I have had multiple dissociative identities created specifically to have the job to keep me quiet or to relay back to the occult that I am speaking out. I have other dissociative identities that were specifically trained to punish me if I speak out or tell their secrets, yet here I am, telling all of it because of my love for Jesus Christ.

Lucifer wants to keep us all completely clueless and in the dark that we have dissociative identities, or that we have been abused, or that our families have been involved in Satanic worship. He goes to great lengths to keep these things hidden so that we can run the programming to further his Antichrist agenda. This does not mean we are evil or that our families are evil, it just means we are subject to the sin of this world and the gods who run it.

But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.

Philippians 3:20-21

I have come a long way in healing my dissociative identity disorder since I met Jesus Christ. Before I got saved dissociation would cause me too completely blackout while occult loyal alters would completely take over the body. When this would happen these alters would take me to places to do Satanic rituals. I have been apart of multiple covens in the area I live in and each coven would have a specific night of the week for rituals. I would also participate in the rituals for the high holy days of paganism and Satanism, as well as every national holiday.

When these occult loyal alters would take over the body I would have no idea that it ever happened. I was meeting with coven’s at Christian churches to do Satanic rituals with people who lived as Christians. I would be forced to take part in terrible things I would never consciously agree to do. Things such as human sacrifice, animal sacrifice, sexual orgies, invoking gods and goddesses, human torment, idol worship, and embodying Fallen Angels and demons.

I’m not ashamed that these things have happened in my life. Quite the contrary I am excited that I have been sent on an assignment by the Lord Jesus Christ to infiltrate the darkness and come out on the other side so that I could speak about the truth and help set the captives free. I am honored my Heavenly Father chose me and entrusted me to go into the deepest levels of the occult and be able to come out just speak the truth and to give my testimony.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
    and burst their bonds apart.
 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!
 For he shatters the doors of bronze
    and cuts in two the bars of iron.

Psalm 107:13-16

You can’t imagine what pain and torment I’ve been through just to stand up for the truth and speak out about my testimony, but I would not trade one single minute of it for my old life of ignorance. Jesus Christ has transformed me from the inside out. He’s given me hope, freedom, and the greatest levels of healing that one can imagine. Yes, I grew up and a family that whored me out to Satan. I’ve been through more abuse and trauma that the human mind could never even comprehend, but all of it’s been worth it to be in the presence of God and receive His love and righteousness in my life. I’m no longer afraid of what the devil is going to do to me.

I still struggle with dissociation. For example, three months ago I went to see a doctor to get some healing for my body. I got some supplements and vitamins to get my body back into alignment, but I had parts that were trying to destroy everything the pills were doing. They were actually trying to disrupt the chemical processes in my body. Then after a week of this torment, my problems continued. I lost the bag I kept all my supplements in, even though I had left them sitting on the kitchen counter in plain sight.

After looking everywhere I could think I might have put them, I finally checked the outside garbage can. It was the night before the garbage man came, and there it was. I was in shock because I had no idea how the bag of pills got there, as I had no memory whatsoever of putting them there. However, I did, when one of my dissociative alters came forward to run the body and tried to sabotage what I was doing to help myself.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6-7

My dissociative identities were programmed to keep me sick, because being sick means being controlled. It was very disheartening at first to realize I was still dissociating at this level, however, I did not let it bring me down. The enemy is desperate to shut me up, but no matter what he does I just keep diving deeper into Jesus, renouncing and repenting. As a matter of fact, everything the devil does drives me even further into repentance.

Having multiple personalities for most people looks like character traits or mood swings. For me, I might be depressed or suicidal, be extremely angry or mean, or lose regard for things of Christ completely. I might cuss and act like a rebellious teenager or get hurt by everything like a little girl. These are all dissociative alters running the body, but it looks like mood swings. There’s no visible shift or change to indicate you are switching parts. It’s completely seamless, and that’s why most people with DID don’t know they have it.

Some of the symptoms of dissociation are:

Forgetfulness or memory problems
Difficulty keeping a coherent train of thought without losing focus
Forgetting what you are saying or talking about
Inability to concentrate
easily distracted
Lack of focus
Zoning out or living in a fantasy world
Throwing yourself into a task as though nothing else existed
Finding yourself suddenly doing something but you don’t remember starting
Driving somewhere and not remembering the trip
The feeling of “waking up” as if you weren’t previously present
Being in another place or room but not knowing how you got there
Hearing stories about yourself that you have no memory of
Having an injury, sore or bruise and not knowing how it happened
Being in a conversation but not remembering what it’s about or what you last said
Missing objects, mail, email, important documents or items
Finding missing items in strange places

Dissociative identities are not bad or evil parts of you. They are pieces of your soul that have split off your conscious mind and fragmented by extreme trauma. These dissociative alters don’t know of any other reality outside of what they have been programmed to know and the trauma they have experienced. They were created at very young ages and are therefore emotionally immature. Often times they don’t even get an option to understand the saving grace of Jesus Christ. They need compassion and mercy, and Jesus wants nothing more than to rescue them from the hell they’ve been living in. He knows they have chosen to be loyal to the occult because the only alternative was pain or death. He has nothing but grace for these dissociative identities.

I work with my dissociative identities several times a week, with the help of Jesus. Through inner healing, I have learned how to help my parts and I am able to help them reach Jesus and hear the truth. Jesus has given me so much hope to know that I don’t have to allow these parts to control me, but instead, I can love them into the arms of Jesus. It is a long and slow process, but it is well worth it to become a whole person, the way God created me to be.

It had taken me a long time to come to terms with the abuse that caused my dissociation, and even longer to admit my dissociation has become a crutch. It has been really easy to start to dissociate when things get tough for me, but I am coming to a place where pain leads me to worship instead of dissociation. It is still a work in progress, that takes training to bring my brain around to that place, but it’s a good place to be. I can say I’m happier and stronger now than I’ve been my entire life and I owe it all to Jesus.

Your suffering is not unnoticed by God. He sees you and is with you every step of the way. He is working miracles in your life every day, whether you can see them or not. You just have to trust that His promises are true, even for you, and believe that He is working all things for your good. It took me a long time to accept that God loved me, but when I did, He showed me the myriad of miracles He had already been working on my behalf over the course of my life.

 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

 

11 Comments

  1. Thankyou
    Churches need to be equipped and know about this.
    Could be why so many people are self harming everywhere

  2. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Beth, l am sorry to read all you have been through but yet encouraged by your blogs and that you have Jesus as such an integral part of your life! Your blogs have helped me tremendously in giving me the understanding of my own struggles and experiences against witchcraft. l pray for you. Sometimes l too just want a normal life! Like you, to be like everyone else seems to be…But you know, you have an awesome testimony and knowledge of what Christians need to be aware of!! When l first encountered witchcraft that was bent on destroying my life and marriage, l didnt completely understand it much less believe in it! l went to 8 different pastors in my community for prayer and help. They thought l was mentally disturbed and wouldn’t touch it. But God Himself revealed to me the truths and taught me by the Power of Jesus to bind her and cast out the demons and powers associated with the occult. Your blogs have confirmed all God has shown me and continues to teach me. It is a daily battle but through all of this l have to say the Love and Power of Jesus is more prevelant in my life than ever…that alone makes it all worth while. The Bible tells us that in this world we will have our trials and struggles but He has overcome the world! John 16:33 You know maybe this will be our norm until we’re with Christ at home in our heavenly Kingdom❤️ But you are an amazing woman of Christ and through your struggles in life and ministry He is being glorified.

  4. THANK YOU FOR YOUR OBEDIENCE TO THE LORD YOUR GOD JESUS CHRIST FOR HE CAME TO GIVE US ALL LIFE. GOD BLESS!!!

  5. Thanks so much for sharing this Beth! I resonated with so much of what you write and am grateful you are making this information available.

    Many blessings

  6. Praise God, He is faithful to complete the works He starts in us! All glory belongs to God for He is so worthy of all praise. He is the only one worthy to open the seals.

    This channel and this family have a fiery hedge of protection around them. I agree with Gods Words that does not return to Him void, that His Angel’s encamp around this family and delivers them. The angel of the Lord takes charge over them lest their feet should hit a stone. God has given them all authority over the power of the enemy. They are cleansed and protected by the blood of Jesus Christ. Every knee MUST bow down to the name of Jesus. For He alone is worthy. In Jesus name. AMEN.

    I PRAISE GOD FOR YOU AND YOUR MINISTRY SISTER, much love

    Autumn/season of harvest

  7. Thank you Beth, for being courageous & for caring about others even though you are going through so much yourself. I was not brought up in a family of satanists but my mother was deeply involved in the occult. She herself was mentally, emotionally & sexually abused at an early age & she did the same to me. I know I grew up with different personalities that controlled me because the only thing I feared were the things that overtook my choices. I many times had no control over what I did or said & many times I did or said things & then was shocked at what had just happened. The thing that saved me was that I fell in love with Jesus when I was 3 years old and it was at that time my mother said I went into a deep depression. I have memories of some of the abuse & I had a vision of the demons that visited me as a baby. My fathers’ house still holds these demons & he passed away in January & now they are really acting out. We grew up with a house full of demons. Before we can sell the house or anything in it I have a man we call the Demon slayer that agreed to come pray through the house. I have so many questions about things you have said & I believe you know what you are talking about but I’m having a hard time understanding this in the light of God’s Word. I know we are to run everything through the Word of God but I’ve never read anything about some of the things you explain. I really want to understand better so I can also help others understand. You have helped me immensely come to terms with my past & I have never told anyone this stuff because they would never understand & would probably judge me to be crazy. God Bless You Immensely Beth. Love you

    1. Author

      Hi Linda
      I completely understand that some of the spiritual things I talk about are hard to understand, and I had to come to grips with a lot of strange and unfamiliar things myself. It is only by the revelation of the Holy Spirit that we can find the truth, but I believe He can lead you to any scripture that will answer the questions you have regarding these matters. <3

  8. Sad, moving and inspirational all at the same time Beth ….these blogs really do reach to the very soul of ex-satanist/occultist and hopefully bring them back.

    I’ve been listening to another (I still can’t believe how many there are) EX-occultist by the name of John Todd / Collins.

    What’s your thoughts on him and his experiences…..?

    1. Author

      Hi Tesh
      I have not heard of that person and I do not follow conspiracy theorists or other ex occultists. I have done so in the past, but what I found was that most people are not going to the level they need to go in personal healing and therefore they still have deep ties to the occult. Unfortunately, they do not realize this, and Satan uses it to his advantage. I am in no way against people speaking the truth or telling their testimony, but where I am at in my healing, I am too triggered by the programming and witchcraft that comes from these people. I do hope one day to gain enough freedom that those things no longer bother me though.

  9. HI Beth: May I just say to start with PRAISE GOD FOR YOU! His mercies are new and fresh everyday. I cannot imagine all that you have had to deal with, and all that you are needing to work through. My situation was much less traumatic but none the less disfunctional. I am 74, male by the way. My father left when I was about 3 1/2yo. I and my brother saw him a few times until I was probably in 1st grade, then nothing before I graduated college at 22. He lived probably less than 10 miles away from us. My mom was older, 42 1/2 when I was born. She was ill prepared to be one of the first single moms in the 40’s. Well, no one is prepared for such a task, but my mom had some mental health issues. I looked like my dad, my brother looked like her brother, somehow I was ALWAYS treated like a 2nd class child, I ‘obviously had all the bad blood’ she wanted me to do exactly what she said. I went into the Air Force after college, Viet Nam era. And never moved back to my home town, I became a Christian when in the Air Force, He saved me and kept me and still is at 74. I love you young lady and your family. Praise God for you! God continue to Bless you real good! (as they used to say!

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