After I attended the healing service that a nearby church held once a month, I was addicted. The worship was out of this world and I couldn’t get enough of that place where I could meet the Holy Spirit face to face. My brain fog and exhaustion would not go away permanently and so I would go back to the healing service every month to be prayed for. I would ask others here and there, who I could trust to talk to, to pray over me as well. I was so frustrated by feeling so bogged down, confused and out of it so often. Once I realized it was spiritual attack it was easier to start to ask people to pray for me.
Unfortunately with all the prayers and no change I began to lose some of my hope and faith. I would lay in my bed and cry and want to pray for myself and cry out to Jesus, but I was to overcome to even do that. At one point it got so bad I became suicidal again. One time I was at home and my husband was at work and I was laying in my room in the dark, crying and ready to embrace death. I did not feel hope or even think God was near, nor did I care. This was so unusual and out of the norm for me, because since embracing Jesus as my savior, my previous problem with depression had all but disappeared. Before Jesus my life was hopeless and I was full of despair and misery always. Death was a warm, comforting thought most days in which I would have release from my pain. But once I had Jesus in my life, that went away, slowly but surely. Jesus became my hope, my strength, my comfort and joy.
In the midst of this moment when despair rocked my soul like a sinking ship, I did not see it for what it was – spiritual attack. I only saw that I wanted it to end and that no one cared how much pain I was in. No friend of mine and not God. If God cared for me, if He loved me, He would save me from this! It went on like this for hours. My husband came home and asked to pray for me. I yelled at him to go away and locked myself in our bathroom. Then I continued to yell at him to go away, and so he did. In the bathroom my husband had been putting in a new shower, and there were still some tools in there. One was a box cutter, which is a large razor blade with a handle. I found it sitting there in the window sill and picked it up. I wanted in that moment more than anything to die. In my mind I pictured myself using this tool to end it all right then and there. The pain would be gone. If Jesus loved me He would save me…
I felt like there was an epic battle raging within me. Some sane part of me was fighting this force within me that wanted me to hurt myself. Before long my husband came back in the room and was knocking on the door asking me if I was OK. Again I was yelling at him to go away. Finally he started to pray against demonic attack and healing in Jesus name. It was like something switched inside of me. In a moment I was opening the door and walking out, feeling lighter and happier. Not 100% better, but it was the difference between night and day. I was telling my husband I was hungry and we needed to get dinner. I apologized and hugged him. Just like that it was over.
It was until later that I could see I was under spiritual attack. It scared me how far my enemy was willing to take it to separate me from God. It scared me that I could fall so easily into that place where my past came alive and my faith was buried. The next healing session that came up I again went. I did not ask anyone to pray for me this time. As I sat there in that church I felt this oppression over me, and that same darkness as if someone was behind me. Someone who had ill intentions to me. Yet I knew no one was there. I told my husband I wanted to leave. I felt over come with sadness and hopelessness. My husband could clearly see something was wrong, yet I kept insisting we go home. He asked one of the healers to come and pray over me.
I just sat there crying as two people prayed with the power and authority of Jesus over me. And it was as thought I could hear Satan himself tell me “I will never let you go. You are mine”. I was afraid and confused. Why would he want me? Why would he want to hurt me? I have done nothing! Nothing wrong to him at all. Oh how untrue that was. Because once I was a child of his realm. I lived a life that was full of selfish pleasure and gain. A life where I was ever pushing the envelope of darkness and seeking into a world that he created. Witch craft. Drugs. Sex. And now I had left that all behind and given my life over to Jesus. Of course he was mad! And he was not willing to just let go and leave me alone when he so firmly had me in his grips for so long. Satan wants more than anything to destroy our faith and our relationship with God. It is his only desire and his main goal for as long as he is permitted. Yes, that’s right – God allows him to do his works.
Why? Why would God allow our enemy to attack us like that? That sounds horrible? What kind of God would do that?? A loving God would. God knew exactly what he was doing when he sent Satan down to earth. He knew that his precious children were here and that Satan would want nothing more than to hurt them. God also knew that his children had the power and authority by the name of Jesus to stomp all over Satan and all his evil desires. He has given us the tools of prayer and partnership with Jesus, He has given us His Word in the Bible, and He has given us spiritual gifts of healing and discernment and faith to fight and defeat this enemy that hates us with everything he is.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
God never promised life would be easy. That we would be problem free and live in a perfect world. He did promise us that He would never leave us or forsake us. That he would protect us and enable us in times of need. That He would be our rock and our fortress in which to rest. That He would fight for us and show us hope and love and truth. We need an enemy to challenge us and strengthen our faith. Otherwise, why would we need God? If we could do it all on our own, we would never look to God, never see our need for Him. Does that mean He purposely sends Satan after us? Maybe. Sometimes we need to be sifted in order to weed out the bad and leave behind what is good.
he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13b.
Even Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan. But by the power of the Word, He defeated the enemy and then the angels came to care for Him. Fight the enemy! Do not be deceived into thinking he is not real or that the troubles you have are just a coincidence. Fight with the knowledge that God has given you. Adam and Eve let him tempt them away from truth, and their relationship with God was forever changed because of it. And you have been given the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God; stay alert and be persistent in your prayers, so you will be able to resist the enemy. God is with you.
Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future, for the vision concerns a time yet to come.” Daniel 10:12-14