Christian Life,  Healing,  My Salvation

Learning To Rely On God

rely on godIt has been a long journey for me to learn to rely on God. When I first became a Christian I wanted nothing more than to have complete surrender to God in every area of my life. I prayed over every decision I made because I didn’t want to take a step in the wrong direction. I wanted to make sure that everything I did was God’s will for my life. What I didn’t realize I was doing was still a part of retaining control.

I know that sounds very odd to think that praying and seeking the Lord in everything could have anything to do with trying to have control, but for me, that is exactly what was happening. I was living from a place of fear, not of trust. I was consumed with fear of punishment if I made a wrong decision. I wanted God to be an oracle or taskmaster so that I could always stay in line.

I couldn’t understand that part of relying on God is letting go of the fear of punishment and living in a new level of trust that no matter what happens He has me. My whole life I had been trained to respond to punishment, not trust. As a matter of fact, I never had a safe place of trust. I didn’t know what it felt like to make a mistake without being tormented because I was told I needed to always be perfect.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

I think at some level we all experience this training to be perfect or never fail. The world reinforces this belief by teaching us to look perfect and be successful by having lots of money and admirers. Yet if we didn’t already have this belief system ingrained within us we would never fall for it. You can’t reinforce a belief system that isn’t already in place.

For me, I have had many levels of punishment instilled into me since I was a very young child. I have the Satanic abuse and mind control programming, and then on top of it the conscious real-world training that happened in my home. My parents taught me to obey immediately or else there would be harsh consequences. One of my first memories is of being two years old and being spanked so hard I was hyperventilating.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

I didn’t know what I did wrong, I only knew pain, rejection, and confusion. I think that is how so many of us still feel today. We are grasping for acceptance in any way we can, but often feel so rejected and unloved it drives us to make terrible decisions. It’s amazing what a powerful motivator abandonment and pain can have on us without us realizing it.

For me, my motivating factor has always been fear and the need to protect myself and others. If I could just keep myself safe, or keep others safe, everything was okay. And this belief was reinforced in my life, time and time again. I began to believe that obedience to the fear of punishment would keep me safe. But the fear of punishment only led me further and further from God.

It is so easy to allow other powers to take the place of God in our lives and not even realize it. Some call it our own personal power, and some can recognize that they are looking to a higher power or outside power. Either way, if it is not relying on the power of God then it is utilizing the power of the enemy who wants to steal your soul.

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

I have been purposefully connected to more beings and people than I can even understand, all for the purpose of using me as a conduit or channel. I was taught these entities or people were my saviors and that I must instead rely on them, and not God. I was taught that with their help, I could ultimately be a savior too. I could save myself and others, and then I could be special, loved, and protected.

What human being in this world doesn’t desire to have those things? But when you are taught as a young child to use hate, anger, manipulation, revenge, and false power sources to save yourself it literally destroys you. You become a fragment of who God created you to be as Satan molds you into his image instead. None of us would ever purposefully choose that, yet it is presented to us time and time again.

How can we avoid the trap of becoming our own gods and calling on false power sources? We can’t, and that is exactly the point. You don’t need to fear what you have done or connected to. You don’t need to be afraid of the lies that have been built up inside of you or where you have been led astray. Our God is far more powerful than all of those things, and with the breath of His Word, He can destroy them and make you new. You just have to believe.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

When you trust in Jesus and surrender your whole heart to Him, you are doing all you need to do to combat the burdens that have been placed on you. God is not asking for you to follow Him by asking His permission in everything you do or living in fear of His retribution. He’s just asking for you to love Him, because when you truly love Him He has you,r whole heart. And oh what a beautiful miracle will happen when God is the master over your heart instead of you.

Loving Jesus is not always an easy thing to do. It comes at a high price because it starts with a lot of self-evaluation. We have to be willing for Jesus to show us a lot of things we will call ugly and terrible. But guess what, God doesn’t see our wounds as we do. He sees the high price we paid to the devil to get where we are, and wants to use the high price His Son paid to take them away again. That is restoration my friends, and that is for you.

You are beautiful just as you are. Every single bleeding and festering wound that you bring to the cross will come under His blood and be washed until you are as white as snow. We may never see all of the healing and redemption this side of heaven, but we will see it all because we have eternity for God to complete the good work He started in us. I know it is hard, I know your strength has been waning – but that is because you are tapping into the wrong power source to access it. It’s time to step away from the dark and come into the light of Christ within you.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:5


  • Amber

    Amein! Praise Abba Yahuah for the truth that sets us free from Lucifer lies and bondage… The enemy comes to lie steal and destroy but he comes to give us life to the fullest in Yahushua name!

  • Ron Kovacich

    Bless you Beth,
    The gospel truth is for all of creation.
    I pray for the repentance of all creation, even all fallen angels, demons, and whatever else is in rebellion against Y’shua the resurrected Messiah our only back way to God.

    I have an uncion from God to highly recommend that you read these two books written by the repentant mind control programmer who is now safe in Jesus as her Lord and King:

    It’s Not Impossible: Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control Paperback – April 25, 2018
    by svali Speaks (Author)

    Svali speaks – Breaking free of cult programming Paperback – May 21, 2016
    by Svali (Author)

    God Bless you Beth

  • Lenette Petri

    Thank you sóóó very Much for this Awesome post.. it helped me a lot.. because I have been punished often in my childhood.. and that’s why I always think.. that I’m not perfect enough for our Awesome God.. and that I’m going to be punished by Him..😔😔😔
    But deep in my heart.. I know He loves me.. but somehow.. I can not fully recive His unconditional Love.. and somethimes thats frustrating me..
    I really admire you.. because you have been going trough sóóó Much more pain.. than I did.. and your still só Strong.. Positive.. Beautifull and Kind.. and I wish you All the Love.. Happiness & All the most Wonderfull Beautifull Blessings of our Father God in Jesus Almighty NAME AMEN.. 🙏🙏🙏

    Kind regards 💖💖💖
    Lenette from the Netherlands

  • Saved by Grace

    Yes you are right with that scripture. Praise God for his word that brings comfort and wisdom!!

    I remember when I read about Jeffery Epstein it so upset me how he could do that to innocent young girls and to take their virginity like the devil himself.
    Unfortunately that goes on all over the world but we don’t know half the things thank God.

    It all goes back to the beginning when there was Adam and the upright beast and how he came to Eve and said surely you won’t die if you partake of the fruit ( which was sex in the garden) that’s why Eve had twins, Cain from the upright beast ( the missing link to man) before he got cursed to the dust as a serpent then a son from Adam who was righteous Abel all within 24 hours. That’s why Cain slew Abel because he was from the wicked one that hated his brother but God have Adam and Eve another godly son which was Seth.

  • star child

    my mind beats me up for past mistakes. it keeps telling me things. it’s painful. i have flashbacks body memories for years. i couldn’t even go to a dentist. i feel abandoned and alone.

    i fear if i pray god will punish me no matter what. i fear the devil sometimes too. i fear if i step out god will punish me or it will.

    many cruel things go into making a person this fearful. reading about you spanked as a 2 year old makes me extremely angry. when will god punish these evil people. im tired of abuse on this earth .

    • The Other Side of Darkness

      Psalm 37

      1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
      or be envious of those who do wrong;
      2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
      like green plants they will soon die away.

      3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
      dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
      4 Take delight in the Lord,
      and he will give you the desires of your heart.

      5 Commit your way to the Lord;
      trust in him and he will do this:
      6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
      your vindication like the noonday sun.

      7 Be still before the Lord
      and wait patiently for him;
      do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
      when they carry out their wicked schemes.

      8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
      do not fret—it leads only to evil.
      9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
      but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

      10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
      though you look for them, they will not be found.
      11 But the meek will inherit the land
      and enjoy peace and prosperity.

      12 The wicked plot against the righteous
      and gnash their teeth at them;
      13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
      for he knows their day is coming.

      14 The wicked draw the sword
      and bend the bow
      to bring down the poor and needy,
      to slay those whose ways are upright.
      15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
      and their bows will be broken.

      16 Better the little that the righteous have
      than the wealth of many wicked;
      17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
      but the Lord upholds the righteous.

  • Inge

    Thank you, dear sister. Your words make me relax and give me peace. I am doing a personal retreat to seek the Lord and to become silent, to prepare for some things that God put on my path, that are wonderful and good. But i did nothing but stressing out about results that are not coming right now. A lot of things are going back to my childhood and i really thought i already dealt with them and all was fine. But He is taking me to another level and i need to let go of all i expect of myself. Your message calms me. Thank you for writing and blessing others with your words. Greetings from The Netherlands.