Recovering Childhood Memories

Talking To God

jesus-with-childI have never been cool or popular. I have never had a lot of friends, or been the kind of girl that is the life of the party. I have always been shy and insecure. I have had body image problems: i.e. I think I am fat and ugly. I have been more afraid of people than not, and desperate to connect even in the midst of the fear. I have longed for real intimacy with another human being, not physical, but emotional. I have struggled endlessly to find myself in a world that constantly seems to tell me I’m nobody and not good enough. I have been in hiding, even when out in public, because I am terrified of being hurt, or worse, of being known. If I were to truly be known, then the depth of the pain inside me would come seeping out. And that surely would bring complete rejection upon me.

For those that know me, or follow me, these things may come as a surprise. I probably appear confident and put together. In some ways I am. I have come a long way. That girl that was hurt and scared is still here, but through the love of Christ I have come to find who I was created to be. Or at least, I am beginning to find that person. I actually think I am pretty now. Well, most of the time. Yet I still struggle with feeling fat. I am able to smile at people and look them in the eyes, whereas before that would have been impossible. But most of all, I am able to start to open up my heart a little to others. And it all started with God.

When I was very young, I could see the angels and talk to God. The angels would sing beautiful songs about the Lord to me. I talked to God on a regular basis, because I knew Him. I trusted Him. He was mine. I hadn’t been taught it was wrong; it was just normal to me. For a time anyway. When I was two I would regularly get spanked with a belt for disobedience. Once when I tried to tell my father I talked to God, he became extremely angry with me. Of course he didn’t believe me, and thought there was something wrong with me. If you have been taught that something is wrong or impossible, then you tend to believe it, and carry that belief with you. Well my father grew up in the Catholic church, and of course he believed that I could not talk to God. That was how he was raised.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.

Psalm 91:11

Yet I was just a little girl. All I knew was my experience, and that I loved my father and desperately wanted to make him happy. It’s a very small world through the eyes of a child. My father had also been raised being punished for insolence, which is what he considered this whole “talking to God” thing. So I was punished and reprimanded for it. That was the first time I began to doubt my gift and also to doubt God. Yet I did not stop. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite ways to pass the time was to sing. As a small child my song base was rather small, but I did know the songs of the angels. I would sing them to the Lord, in a soft and sweet little voice. It gave me comfort and joy, and helped me worship God, even then.

It was at a very tender young age of two that I also became indoctrinated into my first satanic ritual at the hands of those who I trusted most; my family. That was only the beginning. Once the elders at the Mormon church realized my gift to hear God, they immediately began to punish me for it. They absolutely could not have me talking to God, because this was not the one True God, as I believed. No. They would need to teach me about what was true and what was right, because I was very far away from that. Once my grandmother heard me singing one of the angel songs while I was playing at her house, and she flew into a fit of rage. She grabbed me by the arm and took me straight to the Mormon church so she could tell the elders.

If my father thought it insolent to talk to God, imagine how worshipers of Lucifer felt when one of their disciples was actually singing and worshiping God. It was beyond an outrage. I was given a chance to do the right thing. Bow down and worship the true god, Lucifer, god of light. I was filled with fear, but I had faith in God. He had always been there for me, at least so far. So I did kneel down, and bow, but to the God I knew; the Living God. The elders went mad with rage and beat me until I finally complied with their demands. It was not OK for me to sing these precious songs, because to them I was a traitor. To a little girl it made absolutely no sense. It was just a song.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:3-4

These are just some of the memories I began to receive through the revelation of the Holy Spirit when I first began my inner healing.  These are not memories I could have recovered on my own, because they were so painful they had to be buried deep in the recesses of my mind. These memories were pivotal moments in the breaking down of my relationship with God, as well as the gift of discernment He had bestowed upon me. This gift is a very hated gift in the eyes of Lucifer. Anything that can be used to get closer to God and His love is disgusting and must be banished or ruined as far as possible. The gift of discernment is far too revealing to the natural world. It reveals the spiritual world in which God resides as well as the devil without his many disguises.

Many have asked why I would want these memories to ever be retrieved. Why bring up more pain and relive the past abuse. That is a very valid question. The reason is exactly what I wrote in the first two paragraphs of this post. The painfully shy girl who was desperate for love and acceptance but scared to death to actually get it, was a byproduct of this abuse. I was taken from an innocent little girl who loved God and knew Him, to a girl who was contaminated by pure evil for the purpose of being stolen away from God. And that is how I have lived the past 37 years of my life. It is not how I was created to live; not who I was created to be.

So I had a choice: continue to live as a shell of who I should be, or take a dangerous step into the unknown, and into pain, to find a miraculous healing at the end of it. It is not for the faint of heart I suppose, but I honestly don’t consider myself to be a special person to take this task on. I’m not particularly strong or courageous, but then again neither was Abraham. He was willing to leave everything he knew to go only God knew where out of trust. He was also willing to take his beloved son to be a sacrificial lamb without question when asked. Yet he was completely weak and full of faults. I think that is the beauty of it. It is not about being something special in order to walk into your pain and greatest fear. It’s about believing the promises God has given us in the Bible, that there is something much more that we were created for. Then it’s about being desperate enough to want it.

God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Corinthians 1:9

guardianangelsI know that everyone has their skeleton in the closet so to speak. My skeleton may be different than yours, but it is not better or worse. Every person has their burdens they must bear over the course of their life. Some are too excruciating to ever let out, and some we are able to tame enough so that we can believe they are not quite that bad. Whatever it is, it has still been left undealt with. And the longer you leave it hidden, the longer you leave it to fester and rot away in the inner most core of who you are. Like a sore that has never healed, it becomes more like a disease, that spreads throughout the entire being, corrupting as it goes. That is how I lived my life. And now I am done. I am on a journey to find freedom and healing, as long as it takes. Because Jesus is worth it. I do this for Him. Because knowing Him, all of Him (at least as much as humanly possible) and being with Him, far outweigh all the bad that I have ever had to deal with.

If you find yourself struggling internally; knowing there is something bubbling up inside and begging to be let out, or if you even only think there is that something but you aren’t quite sure; you are not alone. God, your Father, is right here with you. He has never left you alone, and He isn’t about to start right now. He wants to walk with you through this, just as He has from day 1 of your life. He has amazing plans in store for you. The question is not what, but when. When are you going to take that leap of faith and trust Him enough to surrender your heart and life and accept the healing and freedom He has for you? Today sounds like it may be a good day for that. 🙂

For you are God, O Sovereign Lord. Your words are truth, and you have promised these good things to your servant.

Samuel 7:28


  • Carol

    Hi Beth, thank you for sharing. I have been through ritual abuse too. It is so amazing to have someone put into words some of what I’ve felt and have been so alone in. I was suicidal for years, depressed for decades and never knew why until Jesus showed up and healed me. Then, like you, started showing me where it came from. I grew up in the Mormon church too, and was taken to the Salt Lake temple when I was two, which is where my hell began. I thought I was going to go crazy during my healing process. What they do is create multiple personalities, that is what you are dealing with even if is very cleverly hidden. D.I.D. Dissociate Identity Disorder. And the fun part is, if you read too much about it, you will be triggered, as I was! What a crazy journey, but Lord helped me through it. I have had so many fights with darkness, but am still standing, triumphant, I might add. Not dead and not in an asylum…but with great peace. Praise God! Beth, I thought I was going to go crazy with all the attacks in the night, all the demons, and it would linger all day putting me in a fog, making me feel horrible. I finally begged the Lord for relief and He told me to visit a ministry at Bethel Church in Redding CA called the Transformation Center, which deals specifically with ritual abuse victims. She taught me to make peace with the ‘other parts’ of my mind and invite them to meet Jesus. I did that and they all left me, went with the Lord. It sounds crazy, but the relief was immediate and finally lasting. All those hurt parts of me were finally delivered and at peace. The crazy heaviness and night attacks stopped. There were a bunch of demons attached to all that which are gone now. What a blessed miracle. God has been so good to me, again and again and again. Please contact me if I can help at all! Carol

  • Rainchild3

    Reading this (except for the blatant satanic rituals and physical abuse) is like reading a commentary on my life. I can relate! Thank you for the paragraph of encouraging words about Abraham’s experience and God using him. All too often I think I put God in a corner and tell him he can’t handle what I’ve got going on – or just that I don’t want him to be involved (hm, pride, much? or just fear of being betrayed yet AGAIN). Beauty.

    “When are you going to take that leap of faith and trust Him enough to surrender your heart and life and accept the healing and freedom He has for you? Today sounds like it may be a good day for that.:-) ”

    *sigh* Soon, I hope. Maybe tonight.

  • Tiffany Haskell

    I am a follower of Jesus and I am struggling with a girl I work with I believe is practicing witchcraft on me. I have loved her, trying to be her friend, listen to her heart aches,share Jesus with her. In return she has food poisoned me, tried to get me fired and talks behind my back while acting like a friend to my face. God has opened my eyes to her true motives previously mentioned. I have had a very hard time believing that someone could do these hateful things. She is involved in reiki, and was involved in a Masonic club as a young child. She is a mess. I need help on how to deal with her. I would very much like to talk with you. I want to lead her to the light yet be wise being protected from her schemes. I pray for Gods wisdom, learning to put on the armor in Ephiesians 6. I have been seeking Gods wisdom and I have done all I can to break any soul tie with this girl. It is as if we have every intrest and life things in common. She knew just a few scriptures to deceive me of who she is in the beginning. Anyway. I have never encountered a person like this, but I know God put her in my life because he has called me to deliver people from spiritual bondage.
    You can contact me if you have time. Thank you for obeying Jesus and sharing your story. To God be all the glory and may we as the body of Crist do the work he would have us do. Love Tiff

    • The Other Side of Darkness

      Hi 🙂
      Please get confirmation it is Gods will that leads you to a relationship with this person. Witchcraft is dangerous for those who don’t know how to protect themselves. I don’t want you to be deceived because false prophets can disguise themselves so that we believe it is God leading us. That is why the Bible tells us to test the spirits. God alone leads us out if the wilderness if the occult. No human can do it. Outside of loving her and praying, you need to seek Gods will for this relationship. You must fall into complete surrender to Him, if He is asking you to help this person. It is going to be a long, hard road for you, and you will need immense intimacy with Jesus to do it.

      • Tiffany Haskell

        yes, that pretty much confirms What the Holy Spirit has been telling me.
        She is so very lost, but so very difficult. I need Gods wisdom in each step I take. I need to be as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove I believe Gods word says. It has already been a hard road. I am really looking forward to the day I can lay this armor down. Thank you for the response. I will continue to stay close to Jesus and pray for her. I know Jesus say to love and pray for our enemies. with all my love, your sister.

    • Lin

      Hi Tiffany; I too wonder if God is telling you to
      befriend this woman in your workplace. I’m sure he
      is telling you to pray for her, but to do that,
      you don’t necessarily need her in your inner circle.
      You can pray for her behind closed doors at home,
      and yet never say anything more than hello to her
      at work. This woman shows that she can be deceitful
      so she will never likely be a true friend to you.
      Do your work, and avoid her as much as possible.
      Be kind to her, don’t take vengeance, but don’t
      think you have to be her friend. Any one you can’t
      trust cannot possibly be your true friend. Lift her
      up in prayer often. Other than that, I would say
      stay away from her and concentrate only on the
      job you’ve been called to do. (I think that when
      we are called to befriend someone we just KNOW
      it in our hearts and we won’t be constantly
      questioning our decision)

  • Kristy

    “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” Choosing to confront our past, ready to face truths that may shake the foundation upon which your life is built, willing to experience pain all over again–in order to transform into a vessel that can be filled to the brim, overflowing with a testimony of that transformation, as well as a freedom to operate in gifts that were meant to turn the world around you upside down and to save that which was lost–it’s what Jesus did. He knew the mission before Him, and despite a plea to let the cup of suffering and pain pass, He soldiered on. His love was unfailing. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” At some point, we are all faced with the same choice. We can carry the yoke of bondage, or we can do the heavy lifting of removing it in its entirety and laying it down at the foot of the cross. The choices we make have a ripple effect, whether we want them to or not, and Jesus set the bar high. When Satan attacks with vigor, and so early on in life, you can bet he knows there is a great calling placed on your life. He may have managed to make that yoke heavier than most, but he underestimated the power of the Holy Spirit, a brother in battle, ready and willing to fight to the end. Soldier on, Beth. You are such an inspiration.

  • newheavenonearth

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! Was your father Catholic and your mother Mormon? Have they found Jesus so you can share healing and restoration as a family? I am so thankful for all the healing and restoring and regeneration Jesus has and is continuing to do in me! May God bless you richly, more than you could ever think or ask! ~Yvonne